gekko Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 My ex gave me the silent treatment for two or three weeks, shifted all the blame onto me – and I bloody believed him, 'reconciled' with me whilst calling me by my full name as if he had been scolding a child and then pulled the same awful stunt a second time. NC had been working for about a month but then he contacted me again, I coldly answered that I didn't have time to see him and went back to thinking about him way more than I'd like to. The big difference from when I broke up with him though is that I'm no longer dwelling on how we were perfect for each other and if only I had acted differently we'd still be together, I'm seething with rage. I was completely unable to spot the red flags when they were staring me in the face because he didn't fit what I thought was the typical profile of a psychopath; he seemed geeky and awkward, always asked me what I wanted to do on dates and during sex, never acted excessively charming, had close friends, treated children and animals well, was never rude to waiters and downplayed his massive ego enough to appear genuinely kind and humble until he began exploding at me. He would frequently get angry at me for 'not standing up against my parents' when they enforced a rule in order to protect me, which in hindsight is controlling, isolating behaviour, and yet at the time I believed him. It started to cause friction between me and my mother whom I've always got on well with; he convinced me that she was a paranoid control freak and got furious when I told him that I was open with her about going to his house when nobody else was around. One time I tried explaining to him that the reason my parents were often concerned about my safety was that I've always had a hard time with social skills and getting around town so I said that when I was younger I was a bit like the kid in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time but that made him even more cross and he said that I had done something messed up and horrible for comparing myself to a character with what he called 'a severe mental illness', that my difficulties were my mother's fault and that I'm not autistic. I was actually diagnosed with mild autism/Asperger's ten years ago but I never told him because I don't like having people's view of me skewed by something that I just consider a deviation from the norm rather than a disability and because I frankly didn't want to argue with him about yet another minor thing. I did, however, swallow his story about my parents being responsible for my slightly below average social skills. I kept telling myself that 'all couples have rough patches', 'he would never hurt me physically so everything's fine' 'this is just my low self esteem making me worry too much' and 'he just doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend because it's the first relationship for both of us' every time he'd act distant or aggressive or leave me going home alone in a taxi instead of getting in it with me, yet now it seems so obvious that he didn't give a rat's arse about my well being. I know I've made a big improvement in not missing him anymore, being able to see that he was abusive, not blaming myself for what happened and no longer feeling like he was the only guy I'd ever love on the whole planet, but I feel completely horrible about having fallen for him and I wish I'd never even met him. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust someone again after this.
bigtrouble Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) See where it goes if he can change, go NC, if he apologize and see his mistake, and loves you, he will change, otherwise you will be in a lot of stress if you get together again. 5yr relationship, at the start I was insecure jealous, said some hurtful words to my GF only once, apologized never did it again, for 5 long years never did I hurt her, never even raised my voice, not even when she cheated and left me. I just begged and cried, she owned me. People can change if they love you deeply enough... Edited January 16, 2015 by bigtrouble
towardthefuture Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Having read this story, it doesn't sound so much like abuse as immaturity and insecurity. The thing about the mental illness sounds like he's trying to boost your confidence and probably doesn't realize it's making him come across the opposite way. The isolating is probably because he feels like he's not accepted by your family and wants to get you on his side -- terrible strategy, but it's understandable. If you like him but want these behaviors to stop, try to communicate your issues directly with him. Tell him "I'm not happy in this relationship. This, this and this need to change. I am seriously thinking about leaving you. Not joking." It won't just get better on its own. Men don't understand women's passive aggressive hinting or their "I want him to want to change" logic, they need direct communication. 1
Author gekko Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I politely and directly addressed the issue several times, he snapped and guilt tripped me all of them. I was NEVER passive aggressive. Oh, and I don't want to get back with someone who didn't speak to me for three weeks for no apparent reason and didn't take any responsibility for it.
towardthefuture Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I politely and directly addressed the issue several times, he snapped and guilt tripped me all of them. I was NEVER passive aggressive. Oh, and I don't want to get back with someone who didn't speak to me for three weeks for no apparent reason and didn't take any responsibility for it. Sounds like you're done, but anger also sounds like you want to hash it out with him and want him to apologize or something. Either you'll continue moving on and slowly grow indifferent instead of angry, or you'll find some friends to dump on him to and they'll agree with you and you'll disperse the anger and feel better.
Author gekko Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I know I'll feel indifferent after a while and I know he won't apologise because I kept hoping he would do it after he treated me like I was disposable and blamed me for it, but in the meantime I'm feeling so much pain and anger over this that it gets unbearable sometimes.
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