Ex-Girlfriend Just Came Back - Need Assistance

[Mythodea]

Long story short, she broke up with me on May 2014 after a 4-years relationship. Two weeks later she started seeing a FRIEND of my SISTER and two months later she got into a relationship with him (around August 2014).

 

For about three months since the break up I had been chasing her and trying to get her back, my life was a complete mess as you can imagine and I was trying to change the things she told me she wanted me to change. Despite all my efforts, she didn't even looked at me. She seemed very happy with her decision and so she carried on with it. Eventualy, around late-August, I finally decided to stop chasing her and trying to get her back. So I started full NO CONTACT. I sent her a closure e-mail letting her know many things I wanted to get off my chest and asking her to please not contact me again, ever.

 

I blocked her from Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter, Skype, e-mail... everything, she had no way of getting in touch with me and I had deleted all her contact information so I wouldn't try to reach to her.

 

It worked MARVELS. After a few weeks of NC I started doing so much better, I forgot about all the worries of seeing pictures of her and her new bf on FB, I no longer had to see her on my phone or on Skype. It was so relieving that I could finally go on with my life. So I did. I started improving myself at an amazing rate. Started doing things like taking dance lessons and creating new social circles. I was having a blast. I started dating many girls. I kept moving forward with my career, I signed a new contract (I'm a professional baseball player), I got accepted for my Master's Degree, and so and so on. Life was good once again and she was nothing but a good memory. NC worked.

 

But now, everything I have built over this half-year seems to be threatened. On January 2, 13 days ago, I hear from a friend that she just broke up with her boyfriend. The next day she goes to a friend of mine house and tells him that she misses me, that she loves me, that I'm the love of her life and that she wants to get back with me. The next morning, she shows up at my house in the middle of the night (like 5 am), crying and absolutely distraught. My parents and my sister tell me to go talk to her (know that I haven't seen her, nor even talked to her for close to 6 months).

 

So there I go to her, the second she sees me she breaks into tears so I don't even say a word and just hug her. Then I asked her what happened and apparently she was at a party with the friend she lives with and who suddenly left with some dude and left her alone in there. She had nowhere else to go, she didn't know where her friend was so she decided to come to my house. Just out of education and even compassion, I let her in and let her stay there. She had breakfast with me and my family and after that her friend finally showed up and came to pick her up, before leaving she said to me: "thanks for having me, sorry for showing up like this, I hope I didn't disturb you. But I believe things happen for a reason and I'm just glad to know that I can always come back to this place". Then she left.

 

Four days later, on January 8th, she texts me in the morning:

- "I need your help"

- I said, "what is it?"

- She said, "well, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even recognize myself. I doing things and behaving in ways I don't like and that the person who I thought I was would not do. I feel lost. It's only been 8 days of the year and I've been out partying and drinking 7 of them. I feel bad. I don't know what to do with myself and I can't think of anyone better than you to help me. You know me better than anyone else on this Earth".

- Then I said: "ok well, yeah I know how that feels. I can help you, just not via texts, lets see each other and I'll see what I can do for you."

 

We couldn't meet up that day and the next day (January 9th) was her birthday. It was also the birthday of one of my best friends so they both decided to celebrate it together at a bar. After seeing her once and talking to her a couple of times during the week, I honestly felt like I could now tolerate her presence. I still felt a little bit uncomfortable, but I could bear being with her in the same place and not let it be a big deal. So I decided to go to the party. I get there with my friends, I greet her, say Happy Brithday and just spend the rest of the night minding my own business with my friends and what not.

 

Then the fun part begins. Like I told you, I started taking dancing lesson, so when a particular song came up, I grabbed a friend of mine and started dacing with her. For once I actually knew what I was doing and it looked good. My ex obviously saw this and got extremely jealous. Mix that with some drinks and you get stupid decision. Her reaction? Revenge. She started hitting on my BEST FRIEND'S COUSIN, whom I've know for almost 10 years and with whom I'm decent friends with.

 

So now they're both flirting with each other back and forth. At around 3 am we decide to leave to go to another party and my ex doesn't wants us to leave, she's about to be left alone at the venue so her solution? She goes to my friend's cousin and asks him if she can come with him to the party. He obviously says yes and next thing you know, she's got him by the arm walking to his car to drive to the party.

 

We all drive in our separarte cars and get to the other party. From the moment we arrive, they're both flirting out of their minds so I decided to go to the living room and just talk to people there so I don't have to see those things I don't want to see.

 

At this point, one of my best friends (the one whom she told she loved me a week before) is constantly approaching her and telling her to stop ****ing around, that she's walking through very thin ice and that she could make things blow out of proportion if she continues doing what she's doing. She doesn't listen and continues to flirt with my friend's cousin, my "friend".

 

At around 5 am, we decide to leave the party. We say goodbye to everyone and walk outside. But we didn't leave. Me and my friend (the one that talked to her) are just talking outside. I'm really angry and dissappoointed at this point so I just talk to him to get things out of my chest. Fifteen minutes after we left the party and have been talking outside, the door of the house opens and here they come, my friend's cousin and my ex, walking out together, they see us but they don't give a ****, they still get into the dude's car and leave together. I know for a fact they went to his house and made out... and probably had sex, but that one I can't confirm, just the first one.

 

I leave and then she calls me the next morning and says: "I just wanted to call you to say I am very sorry for what happened yesterday. I was an idiot. I saw you dancing with that girl and felt very jealous and didn't know what to do. And so I made a very stupid decision. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm really sorry, but this is exactly why I asked for your help, I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm doing". I am yet to make a decision.

 

So to break it down. She breaks up with the guy she left me for (apparently the Grass in NOT Greener on the Other Side). She tells a mutual friend of us she loves me, misses me and wants me back. Four days later she asks for my help to help her get her life and identity straight. The next day she flirts, leaves and makes out with my best friend's cousin. The next morning she calls be to say she's sorry and that she really needs my help.

 

A part of me is just saying, **** IT! I was honestly better without you. You are the most special person I've know so far but right now you're not that person. All you've been doing since you broke up with me is make stupid decisions and hurt me, my friends and familiy in the process.

 

But then, I'm not going to lie to you guys, I was very happy to see her again. And very happy to spend some time with her. And for a second there I felt that connection with her again, like the one we had when we were in a relationship.

 

The truth is she's not ready to be with me or anyone else right now. She has to get her life straight before I even consider getting back with her. She's a mess right now and I've worked way too hard to get myself out of that hole to let her all of a sudden draw me back into it.

 

So in a way I know I'm best just getting away from her again and letting her figure things out on her own and fix her mess and take responsibility for her actions. But the stupid romantic inside me would love to see is together in the end. I will not give into my emotions, I can assure you that. But I would like to hear some advice as to how to handle this to where she understands that she can't be with me or anyone else right now and that she has to fix her life just like I fixed mine after she left me. Then, maybe, MAYBE, we'll sort things out between us. That's honestly the only thing I can think of. I would appreciate any other advice because honestly I love this girl (and always will), but I love myself more and I will not allow anything or anyone to mess up all the effort I've put into getting back on track with my life.

 

Thank you if you read this far, I'm listening...

[Hija77]

It sounds like you need to start NC again. She seems like she's confused and acting out in hurtful ways. You were doing well for yourself. Go back to that and let her find someone else to bother with all of that drama. Good luck!

[towardthefuture]

Sounds like she came to you looking for a rebound. She did it because she was distraught not because she really wanted to. Imo you should have said something like 'if you love me you'll still love me in 3 months when you're not as emotional' she would have dumped you as soon as her new ex came back or she found someone better. Also her jealousy trap showed 0 respect for you. Respect yourself , tell her you're not on the hook and your time is over and go nc. Or just go nc. Even if you still want her back you've got to show self respect or she'll never respect you

[bigtrouble]

She is lost and in an emotional turmoil, so confused, she is carrying so much emotions its clouding her judgement, living for the moment.

 

She also said, she only wanted to know if she can come back after going to your place, its like her beating heart lost its place in the world and she needs to park it somewhere.

 

If She really loves you and truly cared, she would not have done the things she did, She says, she loves you but also she's hurting and willing to hurt you.

 

You are right she is a mess, I guess she's asking help from you, she wants to be emotionally stable again.

 

A shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to be felt loved and see her worth.

Its so classic, her present world is destroyed, she is scared of what the future may hold, so reaches back to her past, leans back expecting you to catch her.

 

I know you care for her, and you can bring her back, but you also have to think of yourself, you have a good thing going.

 

If you help her you will be emotionally entangled again and its not good for you.

[me85]

Kids play games. Adults sit back and watch them.

 

You've matured and grown emotionally. She hasn't. Keep a safe distance and let it be known that you're not her crutch. You're happy and want her to be happy too but cannot let yourself be hurt by her again.

[EgoJoe]

I read your post and I just kept hearing the song lyric. "Psycho groupie cocaine crazy..."

 

 

Back to NC tell her if she wants help she can get therapy you're going back to doing well and don't want to talk to, see or know anything about her. Bye!

[EuTuBrute]

Dancing lessons, ex girlfriend, sports... Sounds like Silver Lining Playbook to me

 

Well if you have never seen it, go see it. Great move about moving on and relationships. All i can say is are on the right track, when you get your life back together (by the sound of it you are), everything else will fall into place.

 

PS, go full core NC. She blew it.

[Ieris]

Move forward not backwards.

 

She is going downhill, please don't let her drag you down with her. You held out your hand and let her into your home when she was in need. Yet she repays your kindness by going off with some guy doing who knows what just to hurt you.

 

You wrote "Despite all my efforts, she didn't even look at me"

 

Well, I suggest you treat her the same way. She wasn't there for you when you was in a deep dark hole, now that she's in the hole she wants you to help her out. Pssst. Don't be surprised if she kicks you back into the hole once you get her out. If you love yourself more... I suggest you carry on walking and leave her there.

 

Those who dig their own graves need to dig themselves out or they'll never change and expect you to save them every time.

[Satu]

She's not girlfriend material, but she's got the makings of a great ex.

[lauri]

How old is this girl? She sounds immature.

 

This is my breakdown of your situation.

 

1) She has started to lose interest, no longer loves you and thinks she found an upgrade. So, she drops you and wants nothing to do with you. You beg, plead and chase her...she thinks this is pathetic and it pushes her further into the new guys arms.

 

2) You finally pull yourself together and go NC. Her curiosity doesn't start to peak just yet...but after things don't appear as Green on the other side, she starts to panic as she lost her safety net / ego boost. How could you just disappear? Why aren't you crying and destroyed?

 

3) She breaks up with her boyfriend and now she's hearing you have been doing good and moving on just fine without. This kills her.

 

She goes to a few avenues to try to get word to you that she's single and "you're the one for her". This doesn't initially work. So now, she needs to manipulate you into talking to her with a problem...so she shows up all messed up and pretty much forces you to take her into your house. Now she feels in control and has more opportunities to manipulate you. She tries to offload problems to you and its not fair. You know this, I know this, but sometimes we ignore that someone we loved would do that to us.

 

So now what? Now that you're in the picture again she can finally get you back or get back at you. Shes happy to have you back as a safety net...but not everything went to plan for her. The fact you weren't swooning over her (and you shouldnt be, she should be trying to fix things) and you danced with another girl, she sleeps with someone close to you to get you back.

 

4) She has little respect for you and your family. This is not someone you want to be with. Trust me bro, you dogged a huge bullet. She would never even respect you if you took her back as that shows you aren't able to respect yourself. You have all the power in this, but don't give her the time of day. Girls like her are no good.

 

I can almost guarantee if another option came along she would drop you again to be with them if she percieves them as an upgrade. You need someone loyal and real.

 

On the positive side, you have a good life ahead of you and hopefully you'll come play some professional baseball in Toronto one day.

[Marco Valerio]

She's not girlfriend material, but she's got the makings of a great ex.

 

Completely agree, do not think it twice. She's not what you want in your life, she will be messing with you for as long as she can !!!

[EgoJoe]

She's not girlfriend material, but she's got the makings of a great ex.

 

 

 

Hall of fame quote here.

[leoc1973]

Wait a minute here. You asked her to come out to celebrate her birthday and then left her there and grabbed another girl to dance? Umm what was that and how the hell did you think she was going to react? If she had asked you to come out to celebrate your birthday when you guys first broke up and when you were a wreck but left you sitting there and grabbed some guy and started dancing with him wouldn't you grab the first girl you saw and try to hook up with her? I know I would.

[SoThatHappened]

Long story short,

You lied!

 

The truth is she's not ready to be with me or anyone else right now. She has to get her life straight before I even consider getting back with her. She's a mess right now and I've worked way too hard to get myself out of that hole to let her all of a sudden draw me back into it.

You already logically know what to do in your head. You just gave yourself the correct answer and advice here.

 

Take your own advice. She sounds toxic anyway.

[mammasita]

Read my avatar. That is all.

[dumbass2]

Read my avatar. That is all.

 

LMFAO! One of the best avatars on here.

[Ebelskiver]

She's got alcohol or substance abuse issues by the sound of it. Only she can fix that. You can point her in the right direction.....therapy.

 

If you go back you will forever regret it. Mark my words.

[fromheart]

What I can relate to, is that I want my ex back the way she was when I first met her when things were going great. I want the sweet woman who I fell in love with, who I considered marrying.

 

She is my ex of 3 weeks. I met her recently to pick up some stuff. That sweet girl, she wasn't there. Instead there was this vicious, cruel stranger who didn't want to talk to me and regarded me as a bad smell.

 

That's who the woman I love can be sometimes. And if I were to get back with her, I'd be getting back with that side of her too. It takes a while to get to know someone, but when you do you have to decide whether you can be with both sides of them. Because they might not change.

 

I know why you love your ex, same reason I love mine. You remember that beautiful sweet girl and you love her and believe in her. In fact, what ever she says or does you'll keep loving her because that's the way you love.

 

But you got to love yourself first man. I feel a relationship can be defined by the coping method of both people, with the inevitable challenges that love will bring. The coping method of my ex, was to dump me. During the relationship, she dumped me 8 times. 1 of those times I deserved it. The rest I didn't. That was her coping method, her way of dealing with things. And it never got better. Inevitably she dumped me for good.

 

You ex's coping method is to end it with you and go with another man. In fact as soon as she has come back to you, she did exactly the same thing within days! She hasn't made any progress whatsoever. Your loving arms were right there, and she went off with a stranger.

 

What would it be like 10 years from now, with home and kids? 'Sorry honey, I got p#ssed off with you again, and banged the guy up the road.' You need to think about it. Take off the love goggles and think about it. I'm saying this as much to myself as to you.

[JonjMie]

The coping method of my ex, was to dump me. During the relationship, she dumped me 8 times. 1 of those times I deserved it. The rest I didn't. That was her coping method, her way of dealing with things. And it never got better. Inevitably she dumped me for good.

 

Ditto, 4 times in 10 months for me, trouble is now I have gone NC I dont know wether she is being stubborn because I said if she did it again I would never go back or if she truly wanted to move on, thats the issue with NC, she wont contact me, I know that, even if her heart is screaming she wanted me back.

[fromheart]

Ditto, 4 times in 10 months for me, trouble is now I have gone NC I dont know wether she is being stubborn because I said if she did it again I would never go back or if she truly wanted to move on, thats the issue with NC, she wont contact me, I know that, even if her heart is screaming she wanted me back.

 

Presuming you didn't do anything that was that out of order;

 

If some ones coping method is to give out abuse, and dumping someone and then taking them back 4 times is abuse, you have to make it very clear that you cannot have that in your life. And how can you?

 

The ONLY way you can train her to not do this, is to walk on. If she comes back, you have to make it clear that its got to stop. Both of you can communicate and see how you are both contributing to the situation.

 

But letting a woman turn into a spoiled child who's going to dump all over her partner when life and partner sometimes get challenging, is no way to live life. Life and relationship gets challenging, there's better way to cope than to dump someone and take them back repeatedly, or in OP's case have sex with other men.

 

It's just not on.

[Mythodea]

UPDATE:

 

First of all, thank you all who took the time to read my story and offered some advice. This is what happened:

 

After doing NC when she first dumped me eight months ago and seeing how effective it was (plus taking all of your advices), I decided to go again for it. I texted her on Friday and asked her to meet up with me on Sunday because I needed to talk to her asap.

 

So I met with her yesterday at a nice, quiet park where we could talk. We talked for about four hours, and she cried for at least half of that time. I told her many things, but the most important ones were that clearly timing was off. It is just not the right time for her to be anywhere near me, all she did was hurt me, my family, friends, damaged my social circle and damaged our relationship (as friends, exes, lovers, whatever it is we are...) I told her I had worked too hard to get out of that dark hole after she dumped me and that my life was now great and I was not going to let her or anyone drag me down that hole again. I also told her that we both know how wrong it was what she did and I told her that I also needed to respect myself enough to walk away from people who do that to me. She obviously kept saying she regretted it so much and that it was such a stupid thing to do... but the damage is done, and now it's time to deal with the consequences.

 

I asked her if she trusted me and she said "Yes!"... so I said: "Ok well, then this is what's going to happen. You will not contact me, I will not contact you. You will not see me, I will not see you. I will keep going my way, you'll go your way. I believe in you and I know you will make it out of this, just like I did. When that day comes, you'll be ready and life will put the right person for you in your way. We don't know if that'll be me or someone else. Just know that whoever it is, it will be the right person for you. But you will not be able to take that opportunity unless you are ready. So get to work girl, you have a lot to do."

 

She bursted out crying and hugged me tighter that I can ever remember. She pretty much begged me not to leave her alone, that she needed me and so on. At that point I just reminded her that if she really trusts me, she will then trust my judgement that this is the best decision for both of us.

 

To be honest with you guys, doing this for the second time was not nearly as hard as the first time I had to do it. Yes I'm a little bit down right now, but I feel it'll be gone in a couple of days. I honestly feel it's the best decision as well as the best way I can help her (because after all, I do care about her). Only by digging herself out of the hole she got herself into will she really, honestly and deeply change and grow. It's a well known thing in relationship psychology that when these situations arise, you can either be part of her transition from where she is now to where she wants to be, or you can be a part of her future. But NOT both.

 

So even though I don't need or expect to get back with her in the future, if she is truly the best girl for me, I need to let her go right now, allow her to change, mature and grow. But I cannot be around for that transition. She has to do it all by herself and then maybe, if we meet again, it will be a much better reunion that might work.

 

In short, by going full NC again and having pointed her in the right direction for her situation, I honestly feel I'm helping her and also saving any future relationship we may or may not have. I did my best to make sure that whenever we left that park, she would at least have some fire burning inside her that would make her really want to fix her life and grow. And I think I did achieve it, even though she is completely down and feels hopeless and her self-steem is 0, she did tell me something like: "I'm going to fight, and I'm going to become the best woman there is". I felt very happy to hear that because after all, when she becomes that, she'll be giving herself the opportunity to be genuinely happy, even if it's not with me; and that's the most one can wish for someone you love and care so much for.

 

As for me, I will keep going with my life. I will unfortunately have to keep dealing with this "friend" of mine who she got involved with. I will obviously talk to him and let him know that I have to draw a new line in my relationship with him, but that's about it. I will keep getting better and better, growing, adapting. I will keep meeting and dating girls and not close myself to anyone I feel is right for me. I will continue to be around this forum and help people as much as you guys have helped me since my break up.

 

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all of you.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Mythodea