Lovezen_30 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) I'm 23 and have been friends with a girl since my schooldays. I have always considered her to be one of the most wonderful people I know and we have seen each other through a lot. For example, when her younger brother died two years ago from cancer I was there for her and held her hand at the funeral. When her boyfriend dumped her shortly after her brother's death, I listened while she grieved that loss for almost a year. Likewise, she has been there consistently for me. About a year ago she started seeing this guy. Any time we would go out for dinner/drinks after this he would constantly be phoning/texting and the night was not the same. She told me all the emotionally abusive things he would say to her & how he wanted her to come off meds for anxiety. We eventually had a fight and fell out for a few hours before we both came back apologising. About four months ago I moved abroad (for at least a year, maybe more). Around 2 months ago, we had a skype session where she said the bf had asked her to move in & she wasn't ready. She also told me how grateful she was to have the chat with me and said it gave her the courage to make a decision in her life that wasn't easy (related to work). My friend always said that she would come and visit when I moved. We spent quite a bit of time planning this trip (originally she was to come out for a few days, but then she asked me if we could make it a week). She told she was going to book in the next couple of days, then I heard nothing for weeks. When I contacted her she explained she had moved in with the boyfriend and no longer afford to visit. In honesty, I told her I was disappointed as I hoped she might come to see me even for a few days at some point. No response. Well, at xmas I came home for a week. I contacted her, asking to meet up, and she ignored me completely. Now I'm really hurt. I've been there for this girl through some awfully tough times and I don't understand what's going on. I feel like I deserve an explanation as I'm now at the point where I feel like cutting her off before she crawls back. Should I send her a message? Edited January 15, 2015 by Lovezen_30
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sounds like she's agreed to remain in a controlling relationship and probably is not allowed friends while with him. I have had this happen to me and it was always because they chose to stay with a controlling guy or abusive guy or alcoholic guy. Not much you can do until she dumps him and you might hear from her in a crisis, like if he goes too far or something, but if she continues to return, at some point you will not agree to watch her do it to herself anymore. Be there if she genuinely comes to you for help, but don't always expect it to end the way you think it should. Sorry. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Sounds like she's agreed to remain in a controlling relationship and probably is not allowed friends while with him. Yeah, perhaps, although I know that she was out with girlfriends from work the other night. I feel very hurt about this and actually, some things have been happening in my life recently that haven't been easy. Sure, I have friends to talk to. But she has been my confidant for years and not having that anymore is very painful. I definitely saw us as old lady confidantes years from now in our rocking chairs...ha ha If she does come crawling back when things go wrong I think I will struggle because my question would be: where were you when I needed you? I feel like this silence on her part will cause irreparable damage and I'm not sure she realises that.
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sometimes you are obligated to go do things with "friends from work" and that provides an excuse if her man is controlling. She can tell him it's a work thing. But if you feel she's just no longer your best friend and moving on, there really isn't a lot you can do about it. Sometimes people do move on. But if she's giving in to this bad bf situation, she probably just doesn't want to be around people who know the truth about it. This is how they always do. They don't want to face it, so they avoid people who know about it.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 preraph covered good points about your friend and her controlling boyfriend. There isn't anything you can do to force her to talk with you or hang out with you. I understand you are hurt, especially since you were there supporting her during her time of need, but she decided not to be there for your time of need. I actually had a similar issue with some "friends" from a long time ago. For sanity's sake, I just cut all contact. I recommend the same with your friend, because she is allowing herself to be influenced by her boyfriend. If what she did to you is really upsetting you, send her an email stating your concern without any expectation of her responding or even apologizing. 1
Author Lovezen_30 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 Sounds like she's agreed to remain in a controlling relationship and probably is not allowed friends while with him. I have had this happen to me and it was always because they chose to stay with a controlling guy or abusive guy or alcoholic guy. Not much you can do until she dumps him and you might hear from her in a crisis, like if he goes too far or something, but if she continues to return, at some point you will not agree to watch her do it to herself anymore. Be there if she genuinely comes to you for help, but don't always expect it to end the way you think it should. Sorry. Thanks preraph. I gave it some time then decided to contact her - sent a note saying I hoped she was well and that I was hurt/confused by her radio silence. I said I would always be there for her but said I would be making no further attempts at contact otherwise. That was a week ago. I'm really astounded. I held this girl's hand at her brother's funeral, would go to meet her late nights after work frequently last year because she needed even though I shattered in every possible way myself. I found a card she sent me about 6 months ago saying she hoped I wouldn't forget about her when I went travelling - the other way round it seems. What an awful feeling.
preraph Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I'm so sorry. I really think she's just agreed to him controlling her and she's too embarrassed to come clean about it. That's nearly always what it is. And they SHOULD be embarrassed to let some man isolate them. It's stupid, and if she ever so much as watches tv, she'd know that. 2
Author Lovezen_30 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 (edited) I'm so sorry. I really think she's just agreed to him controlling her and she's too embarrassed to come clean about it. That's nearly always what it is. And they SHOULD be embarrassed to let some man isolate them. It's stupid, and if she ever so much as watches tv, she'd know that. She told me the awful things he would say and then continue with: "But I know he loves me..." and I said "You're starting to sound like one of those women..."; Her: "Oh god...I know!". She explicitly asked what I would do and I said if it were me, I would leave the guy. She said she admired my ability to do that!? It's difficult to envision him going as far as actually telling her to stop speaking to me once I had left the country. He would do subtly controlling things before I left, like constant calling when he knew she was with me. Why tell her to stop speaking to me once I've left?[/i[. It defies logic. Edited March 6, 2015 by Lovezen_30
redglass Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I agree with the above posters - she's in a relationship with somebody who controls her. She's possibly banned from seeing or talking to you. And even if she could sneak a chat or a meet, deep down she's aware you will only criticise her choices and make her feel bad/hopeless. She's in the denial stage. It's easier for her to cut you off than face you. It's highly likely this relationship will come crashing down. Try to be there for her when it does. I'm sorry - it must be really crappy in the meantime.
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