I'm at the end of my rope here.

[StringsAndSticks]

I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t even know where to begin here, so I’ll do my best. My girlfriend, well, now EX-girlfriend said something to me that I just can’t get out of my head. She said that I was “unfair” to her. I was absolutely blown away. I did everything I could possibly think of to try to make her happy. I always did what she said. I don’t even know how much debt I’ve racked up to try and make her happy, but I know there’s 3 loans worth and a sold drum set. Even when she “had relations” with some other guy (who she always COMPLAINED about), I put my foolish pride aside and tried to put it behind me and work things out with her. I don’t recall ever once asking her for anything…. And she told me that I was unfair to her. I tried to ask her how I was unfair to her, but she never answered me. She just glossed over it and went on about all this stuff about how I always hid myself because I was too busy trying to make her happy, as if I had never even asked her the question! Now she despises me and doesn’t want to talk to me…. And, I don’t even know what I did wrong! Just the thought of her hating me, for what reason, I don’t know, is really destroying me.

 

Then, the other night I was talking to my ex-ex-girlfriend, and she asked me why I was so nice to her. Which kinda shocked me, because I’m sitting there thinking “well, what am I SUPPOSED to be to you… a dick?” So, I asked her “What do you mean?” And she says, “Because I am so mean to you. I left you, and you are still nice to me.” So, I tell her, “Well, I still want you to be happy, regardless of what happened.” Then she goes on to tell me that “that’s not OK” and that I’M the one who needs to be happy and “not to make her happy.” So, I tell her that that’s all well and good and I understand that, but what is the big problem with me wanting her to be happy?!?!

 

I guess I have many unanswered questions, but the main one I think is this…. WHY is it such a PROBLEM with women (maybe not ALL, but certainly the ones that I’VE known) if someone wants them to be happy and wishes their happiness??? Nobody has ever been able to give me a straight answer to that, and it’s driving me absolutely INSANE!

 

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to get that off my chest, and for reading. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[Light Breeze]

. WHY is it such a PROBLEM with women (maybe not ALL, but certainly the ones that I’VE known) if someone wants them to be happy and wishes their happiness??? !

 

 

IMO

 

Your ex is either really guilty for treating you like **** but still you're nice to her hence she thinks she doesn't deserve your well wishes.

 

Or

 

You're a "nice guy". If you're a "nice guy" your ex probably felt smothered by your overwhelming gestures of devotion to make her happy. You don't see anything wrong with that but you're ex might have felt pressured to reciprocate and that would be very exhausting to her.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[preraph]

It's hard to say whether your ex-gf is only grasping at straws to try to make you share the blame for her screwing up the relationship OR if you tried so hard it only came off as desperate and you didn't require her good behavior before rewarding her with all the niceties. As I said, I really can't tell from what you've said, but since your ex-ex basically told you the latter of my either/or's above, I'm going with the latter.

 

In general and with everyone and everything, don't reward bad behavior. Withdraw from bad behavior and reward consistent good behavior because that's what you want. If you are making yourself act nice even when you're getting crapped on, it would eventually cause a lot of resentment, plus it's hard to respect someone who will do that because of the "needy" factor. You do not have to be nice when someone else is not being nice. You can talk it out or walk away, but you don't just pretend it never happened and keep rewarding them. You can't control another person but you can give and take back your approval of them.

[StringsAndSticks]

IMO

 

Your ex is either really guilty for treating you like **** but still you're nice to her hence she thinks she doesn't deserve your well wishes.

 

Or

 

You're a "nice guy". If you're a "nice guy" your ex probably felt smothered by your overwhelming gestures of devotion to make her happy. You don't see anything wrong with that but you're ex might have felt pressured to reciprocate and that would be very exhausting to her.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Hmmmm, interesting. There's that word, "deserve." Both of them have told be that they don't think they "deserve" this and that, etc. It's almost as if they thought they had to do something in order to deserve something.... strange.

 

Well, I definitely wish I were a nice guy. I'm still working on that, to be honest. But, neither one of them should have felt pressured by anything or thought that they had to reciprocate in some way. That would be kinda dickish of me to expect some kind of reciprocation, wouldn't it?

[StringsAndSticks]

It's hard to say whether your ex-gf is only grasping at straws to try to make you share the blame for her screwing up the relationship OR if you tried so hard it only came off as desperate and you didn't require her good behavior before rewarding her with all the niceties. As I said, I really can't tell from what you've said, but since your ex-ex basically told you the latter of my either/or's above, I'm going with the latter.

 

In general and with everyone and everything, don't reward bad behavior. Withdraw from bad behavior and reward consistent good behavior because that's what you want. If you are making yourself act nice even when you're getting crapped on, it would eventually cause a lot of resentment, plus it's hard to respect someone who will do that because of the "needy" factor. You do not have to be nice when someone else is not being nice. You can talk it out or walk away, but you don't just pretend it never happened and keep rewarding them. You can't control another person but you can give and take back your approval of them.

 

I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by "needy factor." Can you explain a little?

[Satu]

Its time to stop caring about what she thinks.

 

Go total No Contact.

 

Block, delete, ignore.

 

Then give some thought to why you borrowed the money, and why you sold those drums...

 

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

[StringsAndSticks]

Its time to stop caring about what she thinks.

 

Go total No Contact.

 

Block, delete, ignore.

 

Then give some thought to why you borrowed the money, and why you sold those drums...

 

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

 

Well, I'm not gonna stop caring what she thinks.... That would be kinda awful of me.

 

The no contact thing isn't really a problem, because she doesn't want to talk to me anyway. Although, one of my biggest problems is, I don't even know why.

 

Well, I KNOW why I sold my drum kit and borrowed money.... Because I needed money. I wouldn't have been able to show her a good time or make her happy otherwise.

[preraph]

I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by "needy factor." Can you explain a little?

 

Being nice to people when they're not being nice to you back would generally be considered needy and trying to hard to please. Of course, I do not know to what extent that would apply in your situation, but only know what you've said.

[Quiet Storm]

Being nice and continuing to outwardly care about someone that is repeatedly disrespectful to you sends the message that you have no standards for yourself.

 

I see many guys make this mistake. They think that if they continue to care, make sacrifices (drum set), accept bad behavior, accommodate her every wish... that eventually the woman will appreciate that and realize what a great guy they are.

 

The problem is that doing all that for a woman that knows she doesn't deserve that from you, only makes her respect you less.

 

Some guys think that "nice & accommodating" is what a woman wants. And while many women do like those qualities, they don't matter one bit if a necessary feeling is missing: RESPECT.

 

Most women do not feel attraction for men they do not respect. And one of the biggest things that kill respect for women is men that show "niceness" where it is not deserved. Women are attracted to emotionally strong men, men who stand up for their beliefs, men who have standards, men who do not accept mistreatment. So you being all accommodating to women who mistreated you or cheated on you is just a big turnoff. Because why would any self respecting guy want a woman that would do those things to him? Why would he value someone that obviously does not appreciate him?

 

Your issue is not these women, but the fact that you do not value yourself. You still care about her opinion of you, even though she has shown herself to be a cheater and not a good person.

 

You are assigning value and worth to women that don't deserve it, and devaluing yourself in the process. You want your woman to admire you, to respect you, to feel proud to be with you. You don't want her thinking "Man, this guy wants me so bad he'll put up with ANYTHING!", and that's the message you are sending. She wants to see you as a great catch, not someone who will tolerate anything just so they are not alone.

[Satu]

Well, I'm not gonna stop caring what she thinks.... *That would be kinda awful of me.

 

The no contact thing isn't really a problem, because she doesn't want to talk to me anyway. Although, one of my biggest problems is, I don't even know why.

 

Well, I KNOW why I sold my drum kit and borrowed money.... Because I needed money. I wouldn't have been able to show her a good time or make her happy otherwise.

 

*No it wouldn't.

 

It would just help you to be emotionally independent.

 

Sitting there, wondering what she thinks of you, indicates emotional dependence.

 

If just being with you, without lavish spending, isn't a good enough time for them, throwing money at them is futile.

 

If someone is really into you, sitting in the rain in the park is enough.

 

I suspect you have low self-esteem, and think that you need to do all kinds of special things to win and keep a woman's interest.

 

Trying too hard is as bad as not trying enough.

[spiderowl]

I don't think it's a problem at all that a guy wants to see his partner happy and make her happy. It's nice to know that the guy is his own man too, so to speak. I like to know what his interests are and what makes him happy (or sad). It's also good to see him happy and having fun. If he's fairly serious and focused on me all the time, it can be a bit oppressive and can even seem controlling. It feels more like he's becoming dependent on me then and that I may cause him serious harm if it doesn't work out. He may also seem a bit of a hollow character, like I don't really know who he is? I like to know what matters to him apart from me. That makes him seem stronger to me somehow and more definite? It's hard to explain.

 

I was like you. I thought that being interested in a guy and loving him was what mattered. It was genuine. Yet I found guys didn't appreciate that. Now I'm older, I can see that it's more fun for a guy if he knows where my boundaries are, what I will put up with or not, what I like to do (and will do without his permission or involvement if I choose). I don't know when I started to change and feel more defined somehow; I think it happened as a result of experiences of life and having to cope on my own with difficult situations, sometimes for a long time. After that has happened to you, you realise no-one else is an expert on you, your needs, your circumstances, and that you have an inner strength.

 

I came from a biggish family where we had to fit in and there was no understanding in those days of encouraging self-development or building confidence, so I guess I just expected to fit around other people. Guys do not respect this and I don't think women do. You need to decide on your values, how people should treat you with respect, and then if they cross those lines and push you, gently show them that's as far as it goes and if necessary withdraw from spending time with them. Your presence is important to a girlfriend. Be prepared not to spend time with her if she's trying to treat you disrespectfully. You don't need to be uncaring and harsh to be respected.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine. You sound a really decent guy.

[StringsAndSticks]

Being nice and continuing to outwardly care about someone that is repeatedly disrespectful to you sends the message that you have no standards for yourself.

 

I see many guys make this mistake. They think that if they continue to care, make sacrifices (drum set), accept bad behavior, accommodate her every wish... that eventually the woman will appreciate that and realize what a great guy they are.

 

The problem is that doing all that for a woman that knows she doesn't deserve that from you, only makes her respect you less.

 

Some guys think that "nice & accommodating" is what a woman wants. And while many women do like those qualities, they don't matter one bit if a necessary feeling is missing: RESPECT.

 

Most women do not feel attraction for men they do not respect. And one of the biggest things that kill respect for women is men that show "niceness" where it is not deserved. Women are attracted to emotionally strong men, men who stand up for their beliefs, men who have standards, men who do not accept mistreatment. So you being all accommodating to women who mistreated you or cheated on you is just a big turnoff. Because why would any self respecting guy want a woman that would do those things to him? Why would he value someone that obviously does not appreciate him?

 

Your issue is not these women, but the fact that you do not value yourself. You still care about her opinion of you, even though she has shown herself to be a cheater and not a good person.

 

You are assigning value and worth to women that don't deserve it, and devaluing yourself in the process. You want your woman to admire you, to respect you, to feel proud to be with you. You don't want her thinking "Man, this guy wants me so bad he'll put up with ANYTHING!", and that's the message you are sending. She wants to see you as a great catch, not someone who will tolerate anything just so they are not alone.

 

This whole thing with "value yourself" is just a real big sticking point with me though. It just seems kinda arrogant in a way.

 

Well, yeah if a guy loves a girl, he will put up with anything, won't he? Because, if he doesn't, the girl thinks, "O.K. *******, you're done.... Bye."

 

*No it wouldn't.

 

It would just help you to be emotionally independent.

 

Sitting there, wondering what she thinks of you, indicates emotional dependence.

 

If just being with you, without lavish spending, isn't a good enough time for them, throwing money at them is futile.

 

If someone is really into you, sitting in the rain in the park is enough.

 

I suspect you have low self-esteem, and think that you need to do all kinds of special things to win and keep a woman's interest.

 

Trying too hard is as bad as not trying enough.

 

That term "self-esteem...." I just get the creeps every time I hear it. It's just so sinister. Well, yes, OF COURSE I need to do all kinds of special things to win and keep a woman's interest. I wouldn't have had a chance, otherwise.

 

I don't think it's a problem at all that a guy wants to see his partner happy and make her happy. It's nice to know that the guy is his own man too, so to speak. I like to know what his interests are and what makes him happy (or sad). It's also good to see him happy and having fun. If he's fairly serious and focused on me all the time, it can be a bit oppressive and can even seem controlling. It feels more like he's becoming dependent on me then and that I may cause him serious harm if it doesn't work out. He may also seem a bit of a hollow character, like I don't really know who he is? I like to know what matters to him apart from me. That makes him seem stronger to me somehow and more definite? It's hard to explain.

 

I was like you. I thought that being interested in a guy and loving him was what mattered. It was genuine. Yet I found guys didn't appreciate that. Now I'm older, I can see that it's more fun for a guy if he knows where my boundaries are, what I will put up with or not, what I like to do (and will do without his permission or involvement if I choose). I don't know when I started to change and feel more defined somehow; I think it happened as a result of experiences of life and having to cope on my own with difficult situations, sometimes for a long time. After that has happened to you, you realise no-one else is an expert on you, your needs, your circumstances, and that you have an inner strength.

 

I came from a biggish family where we had to fit in and there was no understanding in those days of encouraging self-development or building confidence, so I guess I just expected to fit around other people. Guys do not respect this and I don't think women do. You need to decide on your values, how people should treat you with respect, and then if they cross those lines and push you, gently show them that's as far as it goes and if necessary withdraw from spending time with them. Your presence is important to a girlfriend. Be prepared not to spend time with her if she's trying to treat you disrespectfully. You don't need to be uncaring and harsh to be respected.

 

I'm sure you'll be fine. You sound a really decent guy.

 

Why do I keep hearing this? My ex-gf was ALWAYS complaining about "I just want to know you..... I just want to know you.... I just want to know you...." Which drove me CRAZY, because she knew everything about me! Sometimes I just felt like saying, "if there's something you wanna know, JUST ASK ME, and I will answer you!" Is that so hard?

[eye of the storm]

Years ago, more than Ill admit to here. I dated a super "nice" guy. Even when I was not the nicest person, he took it and never stood up for himself or had any boundaries with me. We broke up. For me the final straw was, I KNEW i was being ridiculous (pms) and I shouted at him to tell me to shut up because I was acting stupid. I told him I knew I was being stupid, I told him he could defend himself...his response was "but I love you and I just want you to be happy". I couldn't be with someone that would allow another to walk all over them. (In my defense, I didn't allow him to spend alot of money on me.)

 

You need to stop dating and start figuring out why the word "self esteem" gives you the creeps. Self esteem is healthy. People in healthy relationship have good strong self esteem.

 

Doormats have no self esteem. Doormats are dated, used for all they can be bleed out of, then dumped.

 

Get some self esteem, then you wont have to go into debt buying a girlfriend. You will have one that wants to be with you because you are a whole person and not a doormat

[Toodaloo]

Strings

 

If I were dating a man and he took out loans to buy me things to make me happy I would be really upset. It would freak me out.

 

I don't want to be in debt nor for my partner to be in debt.

 

I think that perhaps she wanted more "time" from you but didn't know how to communicate this? In any case you seem like a nice guy and unfortunately I have learnt that nice people do get trampled on along the way by people who abuse it. Try to look for some one that will treat you well too... Learn how to say no and mean no.

 

Suggest that next time instead of splashing out and going all in you take a bit of time to learn what you can do to make your other half feel loved. For some bringing them a cup of tea in the mornings means far more than a string of diamonds...

[StringsAndSticks]

Years ago, more than Ill admit to here. I dated a super "nice" guy. Even when I was not the nicest person, he took it and never stood up for himself or had any boundaries with me. We broke up. For me the final straw was, I KNEW i was being ridiculous (pms) and I shouted at him to tell me to shut up because I was acting stupid. I told him I knew I was being stupid, I told him he could defend himself...his response was "but I love you and I just want you to be happy". I couldn't be with someone that would allow another to walk all over them. (In my defense, I didn't allow him to spend alot of money on me.)

 

You need to stop dating and start figuring out why the word "self esteem" gives you the creeps. Self esteem is healthy. People in healthy relationship have good strong self esteem.

 

Doormats have no self esteem. Doormats are dated, used for all they can be bleed out of, then dumped.

 

Get some self esteem, then you wont have to go into debt buying a girlfriend. You will have one that wants to be with you because you are a whole person and not a doormat

 

O.K. I just HAVE to ask this.... If you KNEW you were being ridiculous and acting stupid, then WHY DID YOU DO IT?? I remember my 2nd girlfriend that I had told me a couple times that she had actually tried to get me angry.... ON PURPOSE! I could not believe what I was hearing! Why on Earth would someone PURPOSEFULLY try to get someone angry?? Also, what do you mean by "boundaries?"

 

Strings

 

If I were dating a man and he took out loans to buy me things to make me happy I would be really upset. It would freak me out.

 

I don't want to be in debt nor for my partner to be in debt.

 

I think that perhaps she wanted more "time" from you but didn't know how to communicate this? In any case you seem like a nice guy and unfortunately I have learnt that nice people do get trampled on along the way by people who abuse it. Try to look for some one that will treat you well too... Learn how to say no and mean no.

 

Suggest that next time instead of splashing out and going all in you take a bit of time to learn what you can do to make your other half feel loved. For some bringing them a cup of tea in the mornings means far more than a string of diamonds...

 

Thank you very much for your advice Toodaloo, but there isn't going to be a next time. So, I don't have to worry about that. I'm just trying to figure out what on Earth I did wrong to cause such despisement (is that a word?).

[Quiet Storm]

This whole thing with "value yourself" is just a real big sticking point with me though. It just seems kinda arrogant in a way.

 

Well, yeah if a guy loves a girl, he will put up with anything, won't he? Because, if he doesn't, the girl thinks, "O.K. *******, you're done.... Bye."

 

It's not arrogant to value yourself. It just means that you care for yourself. People take care of what they value. If you buy a new car, you will likely wash it, get it serviced and keep the interior clean- because you have something nice and take pride in it. If someone walked by and kicked a dent in the door, busted the window and poured paint on it, how would you feel? You would be so mad and think "what is wrong with that person?" In the future, you may decide to avoid that parking lot or take other steps to protect your car, like an alarm system. Because you protect what you value.

 

Well, you need to take pride in yourself and value yourself in the same way. And protect yourself from people that hurt you. When someone disrespects you, you should be offended by it. When someone is mean to you or cheats on you, get angry! Don't kiss their butt and hope that they come back and hurt you again. That just shows the girl "This guy is weak and desperate." You are person of worth and value. Why subject yourself to women that obviously don't care for you or respect you?

 

You say, when a guy loves a girl, he should put up with anything so the girl won't leave? That's crazy. So in your mind, a girl can cheat all she wants and you still think she's great? She can treat you like crap and you will still love her? I think you need to really think about what "love" means. When you genuinely love someone, you respect them, you admire them, you enjoy their personality, you trust them. You are assigning "love" to women who cheat, lie and disrespect you. What is there to respect or admire about them? Why do you love them? What is so great about a cheater and liar that you would say in your head "I love this girl who cheats on me and lies to me?" Aren't their certain qualities you want in the woman you love- such as honesty, integrity, respect?

 

Sure, you may still feel love, but it's not really love for that individual person. You are loving what you hoped she'd be- not the person with poor character that she actually is.

 

You come off as being desperate to have a woman. It's like in your mind, it doesn't matter if she's a crappy person, as long as she doesn't leave you. Women are not attracted to this mindset and it just sends the message that you are cool with being used and have no standards for yourself.

Edited January 16, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Satu]

Thank you very much for your advice Toodaloo, but there isn't going to be a next time. So, I don't have to worry about that. I'm just trying to figure out what on Earth I did wrong to cause such despisement (is that a word?).

 

You present yourself as being weak and needy.

 

That's the answer to your question.

[eye of the storm]

Strings, I was young and stupid. Young people push boundaries. He had none. I was allowed to walk all over him and he took it. I couldn't respect someone that allowed that. Even if I had never pushed him, I knew he had no boundaries and I wanted him to stand up for himself.

 

Boundaries. A healthy boundary is, I will not go into debt for you. I will not allow you to take advantage of me. I will not allow you to make fun of me or blame me for your actions. I will not accept lies.

 

Each person has to decide what their boundaries are. But a healthy relationship should make each person feel good about themselves and about being in the relationship. And unless you are buying a house, you should never have to take a loan or sell possessions to "make someone happy". You being you should make them happy. Time with a person you love makes someone happy. Not watching them go into debt fullfilling their every whim. If that is what it takes to make them happy, then you should look at your boundaries and say, this is not acceptable. And walk away.

[Giggle]

You tried too hard, didn't stand up for yourself, put her on a pedestal and was basically somebody she could not respect.

[spiderowl]

This whole thing with "value yourself" is just a real big sticking point with me though. It just seems kinda arrogant in a way.

 

Well, yeah if a guy loves a girl, he will put up with anything, won't he? Because, if he doesn't, the girl thinks, "O.K. *******, you're done.... Bye."

 

 

 

That term "self-esteem...." I just get the creeps every time I hear it. It's just so sinister. Well, yes, OF COURSE I need to do all kinds of special things to win and keep a woman's interest. I wouldn't have had a chance, otherwise.

 

 

 

Why do I keep hearing this? My ex-gf was ALWAYS complaining about "I just want to know you..... I just want to know you.... I just want to know you...." Which drove me CRAZY, because she knew everything about me! Sometimes I just felt like saying, "if there's something you wanna know, JUST ASK ME, and I will answer you!" Is that so hard?

 

I can understand you struggling with this as I was some time ago. I felt that pleasing the guy and being interested in him should have been all that's necessary. What a guy (and presumably a girl) needs is someone to spark off, as in striking a match, a bit of challenge back on ideas and thoughts, the feeling that you know what he likes to do, his hobbies, his limits. I don't know why it matters, it just does.

 

It is really hard to understand if you are a naturally giving person I know. Some ideas that might help you to think about this:

 

You ask where she'd like to go this evening. She says the cinema. You say OK let's go there. Nothing wrong with that, but if you said, 'yes let's go to the cinema, I'm fancy seeing xx and then going to x's to eat afterwards'. You are expressing what you'd like so she knows what you'd prefer. You are suggesting something else as well that she hadn't suggested. She might say she doesn't like that film, in which case you can negotiate which film with her. If you ask her for suggestions and agree with everything she chooses, she is not getting a sense of who you are and how you differ from her. That boundary is important. Children, for example are constantly pushing that boundary, wanting their own way. If parents give in to to them all the time and don't 'manage' the child, they get ever more demanding and actually feel insecure as if they don't have a strong parent. As a woman I'd like to feel my partner was strong, at least as strong as me, but not dominating or over-possessive.

 

Proposing outings is a good way to put yourSELF across, suggesting things you like doing that she might like to do. It tells her what interests you, that you have the drive to propose it, and then of course to carry it through. It might also give her some ideas that she wouldn't have thought of.

 

Hints of strength in sexual boundaries, for example, defining your 'territory' without being possessive or insecure, saying something like 'I don't mind who you chat to or what friends you have but I want you to be mine only in bed if you are my girlfriend'. It hints at strength because you dare to say it and to have boundaries, and yet it means she knows her social life is her choice (which of course it should be).

Edited January 18, 2015 by spiderowl

[WonderKid]

Whoa dude. You gotta revamp yourself. First of all you need to delete them chicks. I'm a nice guy but not a doormat. Girls tested that out so much and failed. I just saw my ex-ex-ex-whatever GF like 3 days ago at the transit and I acted like she didn't even exist and I know she was looking stupid. She wanted to say something so bad.

You need to just be your own guy and go your own way.

 

It won't kill you to move on it'll make you stronger.

[Toodaloo]

Thank you very much for your advice Toodaloo, but there isn't going to be a next time. So, I don't have to worry about that. I'm just trying to figure out what on Earth I did wrong to cause such despisement (is that a word?).

 

You were far too nice and kind to her. You didn't say no even when you didn't feel comfortable or couldn't afford it or didn't want to hence you became her door mat and she used you to wipe her feet until someone more assertive and better able to look after themselves.

 

A tip if someone can't look after themselves they sure as heck can't look after anyone else. So if you can't defend yourself and say no to her how are you going to stick up for her and defend her???

 

KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH!

 

A person who thinks they are worthless will be treated as such. A person who knows they are worthy will be treated as such...! Trust me. I changed my behaviour and wow. I want a drink brought for me not a problem... I want someone to stop being bitchy towards me not a problem. Because I treat myself as high value and expect others to treat me as such.

 

Those who love me love my new attitude and are encouraging me because they have ALWAYS seen me as high value. Those who had no love nor respect for me and were just using me have fallen by the wayside. I am not nasty with it. I just know what I want and go out and get it.

 

I even had a bunch of guys clamouring to open the car door for me despite the fact I was the one driving them home at the weekend!!

 

Don't close yourself off. There are wonderful women out there who will spoil you rotten and adore the ground you walk on. But until you find that woman stand your ground and learn to look after yourself.

[preraph]

*No it wouldn't.

 

It would just help you to be emotionally independent.

 

Sitting there, wondering what she thinks of you, indicates emotional dependence.

 

If just being with you, without lavish spending, isn't a good enough time for them, throwing money at them is futile.

 

If someone is really into you, sitting in the rain in the park is enough.

 

I suspect you have low self-esteem, and think that you need to do all kinds of special things to win and keep a woman's interest.

 

Trying too hard is as bad as not trying enough.

 

Wonderful post, Satu!

[StringsAndSticks]

I want to thank you all for all the posts and advice that you've given me! I never knew that there was so much wrong with me. The hard part is.... how do I make the transition? How do I become this new person, or adopt these new attitudes without having that feeling like "this isn't me?"

[Satu]

I want to thank you all for all the posts and advice that you've given me! I never knew that there was so much wrong with me. The hard part is.... how do I make the transition? How do I become this new person, or adopt these new attitudes without having that feeling like "this isn't me?"

You should start with mindfulness. Just notice how you feel in different situations and with different people. Do you feel at ease, or not? Notice how you feel when you are alone, as opposed to when you're in company. Notice how you feel when you are having a conversation with someone.

 

Sit down and close your eyes, let your attention scan your body, and just notice the sensations. Are you hot/cold/hungry/tired/relaxed?

 

Just notice yourself, and be with yourself.