Sadpuppy99 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 He is 32, i'm 26 and we've been dating for 9 months. In the very beginning i told him I'm looking for a serious relationship and he said him too. I assumed we were dating seriously. We live 1 hour away so we only see each other on weekends. We text everyday and say good morning, good night. But on Saturday i got mad we did not go out and i ignored him for 3 days. He didn't talk to me either. Finally Tuesday he tells me "i don't want a serious relationship. i like where things are right now". We facetimed and i just cried for 2 hours. He says he's going through a phase because he is getting laid off work, he's trying to move out, he's not where he wants to be in life. He should be mature enough to handle that. I feel like he is just BSing me with lame excuses. Should i casually date him in hopes it will turn into a serious relationship? Will this lead to anything in the future or am i just wasting my time? Should i disregard my heart and feelings and just do it because i like him so much. I asked what i did wrong. Of course he will say nothing as all jerks would. He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? What should i do?!?!?!?
Andy_K Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? What should i do?!?!?!? Sounds very much like he's lost interest, that he's not into you enough. There are certain actions and behaviours - like those you list above - which a guy will love if he's crazy about you and be turned off by if he's not. It's also entirely possible that you spending money on him when he's getting laid off is a massive blow to his ego as the 'provider', and he's running away because on some level he doesn't feel he 'deserves' your love & a serious relationship. Either way he's not as mature as he should be by 32.
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 He doesn't like the tickets and gifts because they make it clear to him that you are more invested than him and as he's now saying, he doesn't want anything serious. He at first said he was looking for serious, in the beginning, but that could have been true or false. Plenty of men will lie in answer to this question because they want to get laid. What we can unfortunately deduce, is he knows you're not the one. I do make allowances for guys going through layoffs and being out of work because a lot of good men will not lead a girl on while they are unsure of their future capabilities to provide for a future. However, these guys will generally beg you to understand and say how much they care but say they have to concentrate on this until they get re-established. Some men are very compartmentalized where they cannot deal with relationship insecurities at the same time as another crisis, so that is not uncommon. But unfortunately, it sounds like he just knows you aren't the one and things are coming to a head for him now because he's under crisis, or it might have gone on like it has been another few months. He couldn't be clearer: He likes things the way they are right now, one time a week, sex, and doesn't want to commit. The smart thing to do is tell him you're moving on because he doesn't seem to envision committing to you at any point. See if he contradicts that. Probably he'll get mad and play the "out of work" card as if you're bailing as soon as he's out of a job. Ask him if he really feels that way and tell him that is not why you're bailing and that if he hadn't just told you he doesn't envision committing to you going forward, you'd still be by his side through this. He's probably overly emotional right now, but he got up the muster to lay it out for you, so laying it out back is fair enough. If you get the sense he just can't handle it right now, back off and wait a month or two if you want, but things are not likely to be anything but tense. 3
Toodaloo Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 What should i do?!?!?!? Stop wasting time and don't bother to contact him again. Move on and find someone else. If he calls don't pick up, if he texts don't bother to respond. If you use your block option you will not even know he has tried to contact you and he will think you are on the phone
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 And no, you shouldn't gift anyone and especially guys more than they are you. With guys, a gift may be a milestone to them, something they'll give when they're ready to follow through with a step toward commitment. So when you gift more than they do, it just feels like pressure. And if you do it for friends without reciprocity, eventually they will sense you're a bit needy, or at least more than they are. Buying love. It's all fine as long as it's mutual and equal.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) He is just stringing you along like many guys do, and the girl sticks around because of her "feelings". At this point you should know he doesn't see you as relationship material, otherwise you're just a straight fool. You spending money on him makes him uncomfortable and that's something a woman might do to gain a relationship...kind of like proving how "awesome" you are to him...but for him he realizes you're trying to make things serious and he doesn't want all this attention and investment from you...he's not asking you for it, you're just giving it out your own free will. But sure he likes it, just doesn't like the meaning and intent behind it. ...he likes you sweetheart, but not like THAT. Edited January 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator questionable language
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 He is 32, i'm 26 and we've been dating for 9 months. In the very beginning i told him I'm looking for a serious relationship and he said him too. I assumed we were dating seriously. We live 1 hour away so we only see each other on weekends. We text everyday and say good morning, good night. But on Saturday i got mad we did not go out and i ignored him for 3 days. He didn't talk to me either. Finally Tuesday he tells me "i don't want a serious relationship. i like where things are right now". We facetimed and i just cried for 2 hours. He says he's going through a phase because he is getting laid off work, he's trying to move out, he's not where he wants to be in life. He should be mature enough to handle that. I feel like he is just BSing me with lame excuses. Should i casually date him in hopes it will turn into a serious relationship? Will this lead to anything in the future or am i just wasting my time? Should i disregard my heart and feelings and just do it because i like him so much. I asked what i did wrong. Of course he will say nothing as all jerks would. He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? What should i do?!?!?!? He's told you he doesn't want a serious relationship now. Maybe he felt that way in the beginning but he's changed his mind. Plain and simple. It could have happened to you as well. Maybe he's just re-evaluated his situation due to the job issues, etc. You didn't do anything wrong except maybe ignore or push aside some suspicions or behaviors of his that were telling you he was comfortable with things the way there "are" and that the way things "were" was all about a casual relationship after some point. This didn't happen overnight. And, even after 9 months or 9 years, a woman should always keep herself centered. I'm referencing you getting mad about not going out. If things don't happen the way YOU want them to happen, expressing anger and using passive-aggressive behavior by not talking to each other for 3 days serves nothing except to create animosity and a break down in communication, which I suspect is the crux of this entire situation/relationship confusion. You should respect his position, honor your own wishes to have a serious relationship with someone and find that someone. Make sure you periodically re-evaluate the relationship with your partner so that you don't get 9 months down the road and be surprised. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Women seem to make this more complicated than it really is. He changed his mind. Aren't we allowed to do that? Something in the relationship or just his personal decision that he doesn't want any more than what it is. If you're not ok with that, you need to go your seperate ways. No harm,no foul. 2
Adele0908 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It generally makes men happy to DO for a woman. It makes a good man happy to PROVIDE for a woman, to GIVE to a woman, to OPEN a woman's heart. It makes a good man happy to UNLOCK a woman's love and devotion. Your man did not get a chance to do these things for you, because you beat him to the punch. You DID things for him to UNLOCK his heart, his love, his devotion. So you stepped into HIS role. If you step into the receiver role, and let him do things for you, he will feel more like a man and be more into you, because of how you make him feel. 2
stillafool Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I think after dating you for 9 months he would know by now whether he wanted something serious with you. He doesn't and it time for you to move it along.
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Women seem to make this more complicated than it really is. He changed his mind. Aren't we allowed to do that? Something in the relationship or just his personal decision that he doesn't want any more than what it is. If you're not ok with that, you need to go your seperate ways. No harm,no foul. I agree with you. And characterizing men as a whole as jerks or evil people who "string" women along and projecting that thinking into a situation is unfair and a cop out as to their responsibility to themselves and their partner in a relationship. As soon as things don't go the way they want them to because they've ignored or pushed suspicions and behaviors away without communicating effectively, they fault the man and say they are all bad as a gender. Men do this too, of course. It's very unfair not to look at the current relationship on it's own and think about the characteristics that individual brings to the relationship. If a man or a woman has been otherwise honest, caring, confident, trustworthy throughout a relationship, there's no reason to think they aren't being that way later. This man simply changed his mind, he's not being a jerk. He told her he didn't want it now. He didn't tell her what he thought she wanted to hear to keep her "strung along". A jerk would have said, sure, honey, we're serious and kept to the same schedule, etc. ad infinitum possibly, especially if he was comfortable with her and not bored, etc. It appears in this situation she was doing all the "work" for a relationship too and not allowing him to show her his level of investment. When a woman does that, she's always wondering if he cares enough for her. It should be balanced. We don't really know what's going on behind the scenes with him. Maybe during the week he's seeing other women, who knows? But since, we don't KNOW, we shouldn't assume he's a bad guy. 2
BluEyeL Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It's irrelevant whether this is a good or a bad guy. It kinda ticks me off that people always focus on who's good and who's bad. It doesn't matter. Obviously, he doesn't want anything serious, we don't care why, we just believe him and move on, stop wasting our time! So the answer is no, you don't date him casually. You make a clean break, thank him for his time, and then you recover for however much time you need, and you are available to find love again with someone who will want a serious relationship with you. 3
Yookie Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Answers in bold... He is 32, i'm 26 and we've been dating for 9 months. In the very beginning i told him I'm looking for a serious relationship and he said him too. I assumed we were dating seriously. We live 1 hour away so we only see each other on weekends. We text everyday and say good morning, good night. But on Saturday i got mad we did not go out and i ignored him for 3 days. He didn't talk to me either. Finally Tuesday he tells me "i don't want a serious relationship. i like where things are right now". We facetimed and i just cried for 2 hours. He says he's going through a phase because he is getting laid off work, he's trying to move out, he's not where he wants to be in life. He should be mature enough to handle that. I feel like he is just BSing me with lame excuses. Should i casually date him in hopes it will turn into a serious relationship? No. You will just be torturing yourself. Will this lead to anything in the future or am i just wasting my time? You are wasting your time. Should i disregard my heart and feelings and just do it because i like him so much. Do not disregard your heart and feelings. Your self esteem will take a major hit if you stay in a one-sided relationship I asked what i did wrong. Of course he will say nothing as all jerks would. He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? Casual dating is he gets to **** you whenever he feels like it with no strings attached. What should i do?!?!?!? Tell him that a casual situation is not what you're looking for. Goodbye!
kendahke Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 He is 32, i'm 26 and we've been dating for 9 months. In the very beginning i told him I'm looking for a serious relationship and he said him too. I assumed we were dating seriously. We live 1 hour away so we only see each other on weekends. We text everyday and say good morning, good night. But on Saturday i got mad we did not go out and i ignored him for 3 days. He didn't talk to me either. Finally Tuesday he tells me "i don't want a serious relationship. i like where things are right now". We facetimed and i just cried for 2 hours. He says he's going through a phase because he is getting laid off work, he's trying to move out, he's not where he wants to be in life. He should be mature enough to handle that. I feel like he is just BSing me with lame excuses. Should i casually date him in hopes it will turn into a serious relationship? Will this lead to anything in the future or am i just wasting my time? Should i disregard my heart and feelings and just do it because i like him so much. I asked what i did wrong. Of course he will say nothing as all jerks would. He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? What should i do?!?!?!? Having a LDR for 9 months with only seeing one another on the weekends would get really old, really fast, especially if there was no talk about moving to be closer together. Not everyone is cut out to do protracted LDR's. *IS* he getting laid off? *IS* he trying to move out? Why do you believe he's lying about this by feeding you lame BS excuses? Do you want to support a man with no job for the foreseeable future? What is his economic situation? If a guy wants to assume the feminine role in a relationship, they won't have a problem with their woman courting them with presents, etc., but if he's uncomfortable in that role, then he's not going to want to be in that dynamic. It may look like you're trying to buy his affection; he may be one of those kinds of people who are uncomfortable with people buying him things. He may not have felt he earned all of these treasures. To tell you the truth, I think that the tantrum you threw Saturday through Tuesday may have amplified any issues he may have been having about your relationship and you gave him an out.
Ebelskiver Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Do not, do not, do not, continue with this man!!!!! He is happy to have you as a little somethin on the side. He is likely dating other women. It nice to have someone you like available to be intimate with and do things with. But he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He just told you that SO BELIEVE HIM!!! Tell him you want something real, and commited so this is no longer working for you and then go and Stay no contact. I do feel guys are a bit different than women in that they will stay with a girl they don't want something serious with even though they know it is hurting her because they enjoy the sex and attention. More women would just end things outright than drag things on. He is taking a bit of advantage of your feelings for him in that they allow him to be so casual with seeing you and commiting to you. A true man would realize you are more invested than he and end it for that reason. Since he's not going to do that it's up to you.
hoping2heal Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sadpuppy, How much of the buying gifts and taking him to sports games was reciprocated by him? Did he do the same types of things for you? 1
MissBee Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) He is 32, i'm 26 and we've been dating for 9 months. In the very beginning i told him I'm looking for a serious relationship and he said him too. I assumed we were dating seriously. We live 1 hour away so we only see each other on weekends. We text everyday and say good morning, good night. But on Saturday i got mad we did not go out and i ignored him for 3 days. He didn't talk to me either. Finally Tuesday he tells me "i don't want a serious relationship. i like where things are right now". We facetimed and i just cried for 2 hours. He says he's going through a phase because he is getting laid off work, he's trying to move out, he's not where he wants to be in life. He should be mature enough to handle that. I feel like he is just BSing me with lame excuses. Should i casually date him in hopes it will turn into a serious relationship? Will this lead to anything in the future or am i just wasting my time? Should i disregard my heart and feelings and just do it because i like him so much. I asked what i did wrong. Of course he will say nothing as all jerks would. He did say i spent too much money on him such as buying him presents and taking him to sports games. But isn't dating supposed to be like that? Don't guys like it when girls are nice to them? WTF right? So what is casual dating? What should i do?!?!?!? If he doesn't want a serious relationship, believe him and move on. Don't sit around hoping he changes his mind then get upset when he doesn't. The truth is, if you've been seeing a man for nearly a year and have never discussed exclusivity and seriousness then it's likely casual. Exclusivity tends to be discussed and agreed on long before 9 months in most relationships. Certainly for me, I'm clear that's what I want and if the guy is on the same page usually within the first month we become exclusive. I've never had a boyfriend where I didn't know I was his gf until almost a year in. We always became a couple within about a month of seeing each other and within 9 months I had met their family, friends, was introduced as their gf, we discussed the future, made certain decisions together, talked about marriage, went on vacations and the rest. It seems you guys did nothing like that except hang out on weekends. Why did you think you were serious? Just because you saw him for 9 months? Did he do any of those other things bfs do? Like call you his gf, exchange I love yous (which also for me has never taken almost a year to say in a relationship), discuss a future with you, meet his friends and family? Next time, don't simply assume you're exclusive or in a serious relationship unless you guys have explicitly had that talk. Many men Are perfectly fine seeing you casually for months and even years, especially if it is a long distance relationship, so DON'T ASSUME. If a man is your boyfriend then sure spend all the money you want on him, but dating without knowing where you stand (which you didn't think to find out until now) and simply acting like he's your boyfriend is a mistake lots of women make. Edited January 15, 2015 by MissBee 1
lovexocoach Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Sounds like he's in a bad place in his life right now - especially with losing his job. He might also be in "mid-life" crisis that guys go through. Respect what he tells you - that he doesn't want a serious relationship. If you do want a serious relationship, then it's not going to work with him. Dating him casually to see if he changes his mind isn't a good strategy. You will only get hurt more and you will be wasting your time. You did everything you could to make it work. Time to move on and look for a guy who wants what you want.
writergal Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 If he doesn't want a relationship with you after 9 months (for whatever reason), then you need to believe him. You want a serious relationship, he doesn't. You already know on a gut level that he's not right for you. It's unfortunate that you had to invest 9 months to find out he's not the right one, but there's no way anyone can predict how long each relationship will last. Basically, both people have to be on the same page and want the same things for a relationship to last. Any dissension from mutual goals and an unwillingness to compromise means that the relationship has run its course. 1
Recommended Posts