billy baru Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Most of you know my story, WW left for AP 9-10 months ago, living with him, PA still going strong, etc. etc. I have been NC with her all that time, she texts our two kids every 2-3 weeks, S19 has not responded, D16 will text back briefly. WW has also not been in contact with her folks during that same time. They are elderly, and not in great health, my MIL has advanced Parkinson disease and has really deteriorated in the last few weeks. ( I generally talk to my in-laws 3-5 times a week, they have no other relatives in state, & I am the closest in distance to them) Here's the issue... My FIL called me last night to tell me that Mom was sent to emergency room at the hospital because she had fallen 3 times earlier in the day. Nothing broken, but she has some really ugly bruises. They decided to keep her overnight for observation, and I'll find out today if she gets released or not. I asked Pop if he wanted me to have D16 inform her mother ( I do not have, and do not want her number). He emphatically said "no,she knows her Mom's sick, if she cared, she'd call. We've had the same number for 35 years". I have no interest in talking to WW myself, but I would want to know if one of my folks was in the emergency room. Not sure whether to ask D16 to inform her, or respect Pop's wishes. Advice?
Clay Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I am loyal to a fault. It sounds like they have been decent to you and stuck by you. I would respect there wishes. I hope she gets better. Clay 4
Mr. Lucky Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Respect Pop's wishes. And one way to look at it is, based on her actions, you're also respecting those of your WW. She has chosen NC with them... Mr. Lucky 2
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I would want to know if one of my folks was in the emergency room. She obviously doesn't much care. Even her own parents know and accept this. It's between them. If her own parents don't even have her phone number, what does THAT tell you? 1
Josmatjes Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Wow! What a tough situation you are in. You sound like a nice guy with a level head. Your ww knows her parents are elderly yet she doesn't contact them and you do. That's sad. IMO I would let her know, only because if anything happens I wouldn't want it hanging over my head. I would have your daughter call her, tell her and leave it at that. The ball is then in her court so she can do as she pleases and you can sleep at night. I wish you all the best and hope you can rely on each others strength to get through this. 4
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 For all you know, having her butt into their business might make the situation worse and get them even more riled up. This is probably a father-knows-best situation. Respect his wishes. If he changes his mind and asked you to have her contacted, he has that option. 3
aliveagain Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Yes I would respect their wishes but at the same time have my daughter slip it to her. Don't loose your dignity by stooping to her depth, you have the information, you passed it on to her through your daughter(you still have to live with yourself), you did your part as a human being, go on with your life(sorry Billy but I haven't read your story before replying, hope you have filed for divorce) and continue your no contact with her. 3
Rainbowlove Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It's on her to know how her parents are doing. Shame on her. 7
aStranger Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Think about it - do you really want to have your daughter be the one who violates her grandpa's wishes? 2
Mal78 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Most of you know my story, WW left for AP 9-10 months ago, living with him, PA still going strong, etc. etc. I have been NC with her all that time, she texts our two kids every 2-3 weeks, S19 has not responded, D16 will text back briefly. WW has also not been in contact with her folks during that same time. They are elderly, and not in great health, my MIL has advanced Parkinson disease and has really deteriorated in the last few weeks. ( I generally talk to my in-laws 3-5 times a week, they have no other relatives in state, & I am the closest in distance to them) Here's the issue... My FIL called me last night to tell me that Mom was sent to emergency room at the hospital because she had fallen 3 times earlier in the day. Nothing broken, but she has some really ugly bruises. They decided to keep her overnight for observation, and I'll find out today if she gets released or not. I asked Pop if he wanted me to have D16 inform her mother ( I do not have, and do not want her number). He emphatically said "no,she knows her Mom's sick, if she cared, she'd call. We've had the same number for 35 years". I have no interest in talking to WW myself, but I would want to know if one of my folks was in the emergency room. Not sure whether to ask D16 to inform her, or respect Pop's wishes. Advice? Good for you for making some healthy choices for you including not having her number. Calling her (regardless of how you go about it including via your Daughter)is breaking the boundaries you have in place for healing. I'm not sure if this has been how she has been (NC with her parents and LC with her children) however these are her choices and nothing you are going to do/say will change that. I think *you* want to see that she is capable of caring at this point. You might hold out a wee bit of hope (not for your M) that she isn't this heartless person. I'm sorry. I think you might have to give up that ideal that it is in there. She has somehow decided/justified being completely selfish at this point in her life. I bet she feels she is owed for all the years she felt miserable and is taking that back full force without realizing consequences and reprocussions. She simply, at this point... doesn't care :/
Davey L Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I think if you ask daughter to give the phone number to father in law you have done what you need to do. The rest is between them to sort out as they wish. 1
bigman1 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 DO NOT TELL HER OR CAUSE YOUR KIDS TO TELL HER. Your FIL knows what he is doing. This is NOT about your wife at all. It is about your in laws. They have made it known what they want. To tell your wife might bring more drama into this situation than is needed. It will betray them. Do not let your Wife infect your relationship with the in laws. She is toxic. This is not about punishing her, its not about revenge, it has nothing to do with her. It is all about respecting your FI'Ls wishes. Lastly, it is hoovering on your part.
No Limit Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sorry but I really think your in-laws were not only hurt a long time ago by their own daughters' rejection, they're probably also ashamed of her. I also believe that she has deep, deep issues if she's not only a cheater but just cuts off everything, even her own family. 2
spanz1 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sorry but I really think your in-laws were not only hurt a long time ago by their own daughters' rejection, they're probably also ashamed of her. I also believe that she has deep, deep issues if she's not only a cheater but just cuts off everything, even her own family. I am going to second that opinion. it is an interesting vote of confidence for the OP's character that the FIL and MIL still treat him as a loving son in law...more so than their own flesh and blood. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Think about it - do you really want to have your daughter be the one who violates her grandpa's wishes? This ^^^^. Leave your daughter out of it. If it's that important, do it yourself. 2
No Limit Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 it is an interesting vote of confidence for the OP's character that the FIL and MIL still treat him as a loving son in law...more so than their own flesh and blood. Not really. OP cares for them, communicates with them. Their own flesh and blood could care less if they rotted in their house until someone finds them dead and she can collect the heritage. Blood-relations in honor, but at some point even that runs its course.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 You have a good relationship with you in laws and you FIL called you to let you know whats going on. That tells me that your more of a son to them then she is a daughter and that is quite sad. He asked you not to inform her and if I were you, I would abide by his wishes and let her find out on her own. The other thing is don't let your kids be the pawn in this. It's tough enough that they know their own mother doesn't give a tinkers damn about them so leave them out of it and respect his wishes. 1
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 If the Mom was in critical condition I would get that info to your ex.'otherwise I agree with not saying. There is a good chance fil doesn't want you to inform your ex by what he said because he doesn't want more rejection. So even if you decide to inform her don't tell him you did in case she doesn't show up or even call (ouch). 3
Author billy baru Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Wow, folks. I really appreciate all the feedback. I did a ton of thinking about this today, got home, read everyone's responses here, and decided that Pop's wishes came first. If WW wants to gripe about it at a later date, so be it. Good for you for making some healthy choices for you including not having her number. Calling her (regardless of how you go about it including via your Daughter)is breaking the boundaries you have in place for healing. I'm not sure if this has been how she has been (NC with her parents and LC with her children) however these are her choices and nothing you are going to do/say will change that. I think *you* want to see that she is capable of caring at this point. You might hold out a wee bit of hope (not for your M) that she isn't this heartless person. I'm sorry. I think you might have to give up that ideal that it is in there. She has somehow decided/justified being completely selfish at this point in her life. I bet she feels she is owed for all the years she felt miserable and is taking that back full force without realizing consequences and reprocussions. She simply, at this point... doesn't care :/ Yes, she's been LC with the kids, NC with me, her folks and our mutual friends. She has a new group of friends now, mostly 20-somethings that her and AP go to the bar with. I am well aware that this is her decision, and am moving forward accordingly. Honestly, I don't know or care to know what "caring" she is capable of. Anyone that abandons their kids and their elderly folks doesn't "care" very much at all... DO NOT TELL HER OR CAUSE YOUR KIDS TO TELL HER. Your FIL knows what he is doing. This is NOT about your wife at all. It is about your in laws. They have made it known what they want. To tell your wife might bring more drama into this situation than is needed. It will betray them. Do not let your Wife infect your relationship with the in laws. She is toxic. This is not about punishing her, its not about revenge, it has nothing to do with her. It is all about respecting your FI'Ls wishes. Lastly, it is hoovering on your part. Hoovering? I thought Hoovering was trying to suck someone back into a toxic relationship. Furthest thing from my mind, bigman. I want nothing to do with her anymore. Not really. OP cares for them, communicates with them. Their own flesh and blood could care less if they rotted in their house until someone finds them dead and she can collect the heritage. Blood-relations in honor, but at some point even that runs its course. The "heritage" is no longer hers to collect. Mom and Pop took care of that via attorney a few months back. My kids are sole inheritors. You have a good relationship with you in laws and you FIL called you to let you know whats going on. That tells me that your more of a son to them then she is a daughter and that is quite sad. He asked you not to inform her and if I were you, I would abide by his wishes and let her find out on her own. The other thing is don't let your kids be the pawn in this. It's tough enough that they know their own mother doesn't give a tinkers damn about them so leave them out of it and respect his wishes. I totally agree with this after thinking about it most of the day. D16 did say that she'd be willing to contact her mom, but not if Grandpa didn't want her to. Smart girl!! Someone on here also asked if I've filed yet. The answer is not yet, not because of any R in the future, but because of Mom.( When she goes, I file) With everything else she's got going right now, she doesn't need more pain. I've got plenty of time.. 3
Author billy baru Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Of course, the only constant thing in life is change... Mom's condition took a pretty serious turn today. Without getting into too many specifics, she has to have major surgery in the next couple days. Pop reversed himself, saying that WW should be told. So, I got the number from D16 and sent the text. No response, but I don't expect one. I fulfilled Pop's wishes. 4
Author billy baru Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Surgery was successful, gonna be a long road to recovery though. Not a peep from WW to her or Pop. How selfish can a person be? Edited January 22, 2015 by billy baru grammar
No Limit Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Surgery was successful, gonna be a long road to recovery though. Not a peep from WW to her or Pop. How selfish can a person be? Left unchecked, it has no boundaries. 2
dichotomy Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Surgery was successful, gonna be a long road to recovery though. Not a peep from WW to her or Pop. How selfish can a person be? In the last 4 years I lost both my parents, my mom to complications from a long battle with Parkinsons. That your wife, would not be there for her elderly mothers surgery is just so heart breaking. You are a good son in law. I wish the best for you going forward in your life. 3
harrybrown Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Hope she gets better. So glad that you are taking care of the kids and not her and the OM. 4
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