me2me2 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 In light of my most recent relationship drama, I need to ask... What is normal for divorces. I have a 9 year old son. My ex is very amicable with me. I work a night schedule. So I will stop by his house and have dinner quick with my son in my ex's house. And sometimes I sleep at my ex's/son's house if my ex is out of town for work. My son likes staying in his own room. Is that all Tabu if you are in a relationship? I am no longer in that toxic relationship, but I wanted to ask if that sounds unreasonable in the future.
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 If I were seeing someone who slept over at her ex's house, I would not be OK with that. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Why don't you just do what you need to do to have a good relationship with your son and hold off on even THINKING about dating for now? Between your latest thread and the ones under your earlier user names I am getting the idea that you really need to not be in any relationships for a while and I hope you will get some kind of professional help so you can figure out for yourself what is "normal" and what would be appropriate boundaries, behavior, etc. Good luck to you!! 3
Author me2me2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 how about having dinner with the child and my ex? Is that unreasonable? If I were seeing someone who slept over at her ex's house, I would not be OK with that.
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 No, I would not be happy if my gf were invited to her ex's house for dinner without me.
Toodaloo Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 how about having dinner with the child and my ex? Is that unreasonable? I can understand why you have contact with your ex but why exactly are you playing happy families with him and expecting another man to be happy with that?
Author me2me2 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Well, it's not really like that. By the time I get a dinner break... I only have about 20 minutes. So, it's easier for me to run into my son's house and spend 15-20 minutes with him while he's eating dinner. Otherwise, I wouldn't see him. And on the holiday, he asked me to open presents at hi house (after opening presents at mine) and I did... Then he asked me to stay for dessert. He cried when I told him I had to leave. It's a tough balance. I'm just asking what everyone thinks? For the future.
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 In light of my most recent relationship drama, I need to ask... What is normal for divorces. I have a 9 year old son. My ex is very amicable with me. I work a night schedule. So I will stop by his house and have dinner quick with my son in my ex's house. And sometimes I sleep at my ex's/son's house if my ex is out of town for work. My son likes staying in his own room. Is that all Tabu if you are in a relationship? I am no longer in that toxic relationship, but I wanted to ask if that sounds unreasonable in the future. Yes, it's tabu. Stop doing it. You're divorced! Move on and let him move on. You have your own space now. You both need separate lives and having an ex hanging around will end any relationship either of you try to start. You can't move on while still using your son as an excuse to do this. 2
Got it Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I think it is a case by case situation. Some people are going to be fine, others are going to have concerns. I don't care if my husband spends time with his ex and kids, it doesn't threaten me. I think keep building your relationship with your son. He needs to adjust to the two of you being divorced and the new relationship you two have now as just him and you. I would suggest spending alone time together with him but some dinners, really not a big deal in my eyes. So cross that bridge when you get to it but really focus right now on your son, you and your new life as a Me2. Date you for awhile and discover what makes her tick and what she has to offer.
FitChick Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Obviously your ex-husband isn't dating. Neither should you be. Why do you think you are nothing if you don't always have a man? Learn to live alone.
Pinkdisney Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I can understand why you have contact with your ex but why exactly are you playing happy families with him and expecting another man to be happy with that? This - and honestly it's definitely crossing a line. Would you be happy with a boyfriend sleeping over at his ex wife's' house, cooking each other dinner 2-3x a week and playing happy family? I think not. While I admire you being civil with your ex and making things comfortable for your son, you shouldn't expect 99% of the men you date to be ok with this long term.
eye of the storm Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Me2me2, don't worry about what some future BF or H might think about what you are doing. You have already spent way too much time worrying about men and not enough about your son and you. As to eating dinner at your ExH's house so you can see your son. As long as you are fine with it and your ExH is fine with it, who cares what others think. You are spending time with your son. I would, when your ExH is not home, bring your son to your house. He does need to start adjusting to the fact that mom and dad don't live together. But I cannot stress enough that YOU need therapy about why you felt leaving your son for someone you barely knew, actually leaving your son for anyone, was ok. And maybe some family therapy for your son because if you don't think he knows what was going on, you have lost your grip on reality. I personally would have trouble trusting my mother if I knew she had done what you did. Get therapy, reconnect with your son, and work on better choices. You need a partner that wants what is best for you, not one who wants to lock you away so you are his personal toy. 1
PegNosePete Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Well, it's not really like that. By the time I get a dinner break... I only have about 20 minutes. So, it's easier for me to run into my son's house and spend 15-20 minutes with him while he's eating dinner. Otherwise, I wouldn't see him. What do you mean, your son's house? A 9 year old owns a house? It's NOT your son's house, it's your EX's house. These circumstances make no difference to me. I would not be comfortable with my gf having dinner at her ex's house. Same for the Christmas presents thing. You do your presents at your house. Your ex does his presents at his house. You created the upset situation by accepting the invite to go to your EX's house.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 how about having dinner with the child and my ex? Is that unreasonable? No, you should do it. Whatever it takes to be in your child's life as much as possible. No more dating though, until your son is over 18, that's my advice!
Quiet Storm Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I can see why a person would be upset if they were spending a lot of time with their ex or in their ex's home. However, you have a unique situation. You are a mother that doesn't live with her son, and it also seems like the time with your son is restricted. So in your case, I think that your son must come first. If you don't make time for him, he is likely to suffer abandonment issues. My sister has a lot of problems and lost custody of her son. Years later, he is having issues because he feels like his mother didn't care. I think since this is the only way you can see your son, you should accept that right now, you should not have a significant other in your life. It's true that the set up may cause problems with your BF, so you should recognize that you aren't ready to be a GF yet. Just focus on being a mom and get yourself worked out.
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I wouldn't be comfortable with the routine sleep-overs. I could probably get past it if it was an emergency . . .you dropped the child off in a snow storm but it was too dangerous to go back out. Once in a while for a meal like on a special occasion, again maybe. However what you are describing sounds more like dating then a divorce.
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