jonny214 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I feel so confused I dont know what to do. I have been with my girl for 3 years. For most of it I have been so crazy in love with her, I loved her more than anything. I still love her but it doesn't feel right anymore, I don't feel IN love with her. It has been this way for a few months however we have been long distance over this time too and she says we haven't given ourselves enough chance as I have hardly seen her. The times I have though and on the phone I feel more like she is a friend and only sometimes do I feel the spark. It is up and down. I can't bear the idea of hurting her though or not being friends with her. It is getting to the point where it doesn't feel right to be intimate with her though most of the time, both emotionally and physically. I wonder if we got into a rut but it feels like a bigger change in me. That said though I love her personality and there is nothing specific about her that I do not like. She said we can go back to being good again but it doesn't feel like we have over the last couple of months, although we have hardly seen one another. also i have recently started a new job and started to have feelings for a girl there. the connection is not as strong as when i met my gf. but it still makes me feel thing are wrong between me and my gf. :/
central Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It's difficult to say for sure. However, when you first fall in love, the brain generates hormones that create this feeling, and they typically wear off after 18 months to 2 (sometimes 3) years. (#) The same thing may happen with every other relationship you get into, but sometimes you've built such a strong connection before then that you remain IN love - but perhaps not as obsessively. It sounds like you two have not built this strong connection, or haven't had the opportunity (enough time together, or just not sufficiently compatible in all ways) for it to form. However, if you don't feel like you want to be with her, and sex is not strongly appealing (it doesn't and probably won't be as intense a desire as before, though), then you are probably better off ending this and looking for someone who is more compatible in many ways beyond sexual. # - Note: this is why it is often a mistake to become engaged sooner than 2 years into a relationship, and/or marry before 3 years together.
Author jonny214 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 We are both 21. sex is appealing physically but because i feel emotionally distanced i feel more reluctant. I just feel so confused as a few month ago I wanted to move in with her in time and start a life together. But now I dont want that as much. I can't imagine her absence from my life though. I think we had built the connection you speak of as I noticed a slight difference around the 2.5 year mark but things were still good. It was only once we became long distance that I really noticed myself changing. edit- is there any way to get the spark back?
central Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 edit- is there any way to get the spark back? Perhaps, if you spend enough time together again. However, do not rush into making any commitments unless a very strong connection is created. IMO, you are young and should spend a few more years dating and playing the field before making a lasting commitment. I married too young, before truly knowing myself and what I wanted from a relationship and in a partner, and I regretted that for many, many unhappy years with my ex. I hope you can avoid that kind of mistake. 1
Author jonny214 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 thank you, i will bear all this in mind!
STM206 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Do all you can to work through issues, because once it's broken off - there's no turning back.
bigtrouble Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Just my opinion (from a different angle) Sometimes there are certain phases we go through (true for some, but not for all) There is a time in a relationship that the feelings, desire, go down and you see them as a friend, not as a lover, you even get to the point you are bothered by their calls or text, you look at them you see their flaws (honestly) someone is always better, they stop to look desirable (not much emotional attachment). Those who bail out, find new love elsewhere, very happy, enjoying their lives again, meeting someone new who is way better (some find love, others regret, few comeback). Those who hang on, falls in love deeply, he/she is the one mindset, (accepting all the flaws of their partner), and become so emotionally invested, then are left behind, going through so much pain for being left (some move on, others hope their Ex comeback). Just a different perspective... Edited January 16, 2015 by bigtrouble 1
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 are you saying it is worth pushing through the phase?
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Did you feel this way about your girlfriend before you had feelings for this new girl?
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 and if you can move on and be happier, is it likely to just happen again with the next person? 1
newlyborn Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 how often do you see each other? how much distance is there now between you? it is awfully hard to simply "push through" these feelings that you are having. there may be a way to work through them, but you can't simply push them aside. they will fester and grow. and by the time you leave it will be much more difficult for both you and your gf. perhaps, you can plan some dedicated time for working on the relationship. spend time in person, try to be emotionally engaged by sharing what is going on with you and how you feel, distance yourself from your crush. and, if the spark doesn't return after a period of dedicated relationship repair, then you know it is time to leave.
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I felt things were a bit different. I was getting annnoyed with her more easily and felt less excited/ of a spark when i saw her. But getting feelings for another girl i think has made me feel even more like i see her as a friend. I am trying not to let it impact me though as my gf is the most important thing to me after so long. but it does make me think the relationship is wrong.
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) over the past 5/6 months i have seen her maybe once a month - every 6 weeks. which is a big change from seeing her nearly ever day previously. we live about 3 hours away from one another. I could try to see her more, its just that feeling like this makes me even more reluctant to put in effort. its just really confusing. the connection with this new girl reminds me of the start of me and my gf. although it isnt as strong. Edited January 16, 2015 by jonny214
newlyborn Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 over the past 5/6 months i have seen her maybe once a month - every 6 weeks. which is a big change from seeing her nearly ever day previously. we live about 3 hours away from one another. I could try to see her more, its just that feeling like this makes me even more reluctant to put in effort. its just really confusing. i think that it is important, out of respect for your gf and yourself as a good guy, to avoid your crush. if there is anything there, it will still be there once you have figured out the future or lack thereof of your current relationship. it may turn out that your relationship has run its course. if that is the case, handle this stage of your relationship with respect and care. you and your gf have spent a significant part of your lives together. don't leave her because you were emotionally cheating. for the sake of due diligence, try to see her a few more times if possible over the next month or two and see what happens. if the feelings are truly gone, you will know what has to be done.
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I felt things were a bit different. I was getting annnoyed with her more easily and felt less excited/ of a spark when i saw her. But getting feelings for another girl i think has made me feel even more like i see her as a friend. I am trying not to let it impact me though as my gf is the most important thing to me after so long. but it does make me think the relationship is wrong. It is difficult to split feelings between two people, one always suffers. That is why I asked if you had these feelings before meeting this new woman. It sounds like this co-worker is making you doubt your relationship with your girlfriend and it is impacting it. Your feelings are being transferred to somebody else. That is not fair to your girlfriend. So what are your intentions?
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I think I will end it with my girlfriend. She says i haven't tried but I think i have. I just dont want to regret it.
JonjMie Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 As above, do it as respectfuly as you can, give her honest reasons, try and do it face to face or by phone call at least. Then stay NC forever, job done, she may hurt she may be relieved too ? 1
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) I dont want to stay nc. I couldnt imagine not having her as a friend. she is my best friend. i need her as a friend. i think she will be very hurt. which i hate. i do love her and her being unhappy will make me unhappy. Edited January 16, 2015 by jonny214
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I dont want to stay nc. I couldnt imagine not having her as a friend. she is my best friend. i need her as a friend. That is very unfair to her. If you break it off as her boyfriend because you no longer love her, you should not expect her to remain in your life. Do not drag her along with contact after you break up with her.
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 if she doesnt want to be friends i will respect that. the idea of never talking again makes me panic a lot though. i love her and probably always will.
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 if she doesnt want to be friends i will respect that. the idea of never talking again makes me panic a lot though. i love her and probably always will. You should go in to this presuming she will not remain friends with you. Remember, she will be hurting and need to be away from you to heal. Even in the best of circumstances, exes being friends is not very common.
Author jonny214 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 she tells me i will regret it and over the last few weeks i put this crush above our relationship, which i have tried not to do. i think what we have is gone but i am scared to regret it. i doubt she would ever take me back again.
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 she tells me i will regret it and over the last few weeks i put this crush above our relationship, which i have tried not to do. i think what we have is gone but i am scared to regret it. i doubt she would ever take me back again. I doubt she would either. You are leaving her for someone else or the potential with this co-worker at least. It sounds like your heart is not in the relationship with your girlfriend though and it sounds like she knows this. Perhaps it is best to pull the plug.
Light Breeze Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 if she doesnt want to be friends i will respect that. the idea of never talking again makes me panic a lot though. i love her and probably always will. You're thinking of yourself here. What if you were in her shoes and was still in love, then she breaks up with you because of a new guy. How would you feel being friendzoned by her while she goes on her merry with her new BF? Read around here and you'll find plenty of people not being able to move on because of breadcrumbs being dangled to them by their exs. Don't let this be her decision, she probably would agree being your friend, because that's what many dumpees do, hold on to hope. Be kind and give her closure that she wants and let her heal in peace. 2
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