BooksAndTea Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 So when me and my bf first started dating we agreed upon a ‘no-discussing past’ rule – unless it was relevant to our present. A close female friend of his was also aware of this rule we decided upon. This female friend (Melissa) then became very close to me because we coincidentally ended up attending a class together. Within my friendship with her, I never asked her about his past as we had our interests to discuss, and she and I were both respectful of our ‘don’t discuss past’ rule. Nevertheless, overtime I noticed my boyfriend becoming distant, less responsive, not as interested in me and my lifestyle. This behavior was 4 months into our relationship – and I kept asking him what was wrong, but he would keep giving me lame excuses like work or the weather. Finally, I came to find out that he was hanging out one on one with a female friend – movies, shopping, trips downtown. Before asking him about her, I asked Melissa if she knew anything about this girl he was suddenly hanging out with a lot. She didn’t explicitly tell me anything, but urged me to question my bf about this girl and tell him to stop seeing this girl. I finally asked my boyfriend and he told me that this girl was an ex but he didn’t think their relationship was serious enough in the past for him to tell me about her – and he only viewed her as a friend. I would then go to Melissa and vent about how my bf was shady about his relationship with his ex etc etc. As a result of which Melissa ended up telling me details about my bf’s past with his ex. Now, my bf feels Melissa violated their friendship because she didn’t live up to the ‘no-discussing past’ rule – and I should have gone to my bf and asked him instead of asking Melissa. I, however, feel Melissa did me a favor – otherwise I would have never known about this ex-gf (who wasn’t really a gf according to HIM). Now my bf keeps getting mad/upset that I am defending Melissa over defending him. But I feel that if my bf would have been open and honest to begin with, there would be no need for me to go to Melissa. Was I wrong for going to Melissa and inquiring about my bf?
Gaeta Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Was I wrong for going to Melissa and inquiring about my bf? No, you had reasons to ask questions, you were looking out for yourself. What I don't like though is the fact you did not take actions when you found out the truth. Your bf of 4 months lied to you but you're still with him? If you can't apply proper punishment then why seek the truth?
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 No you weren't wrong to ask, but you were wrong to agree to such a stupid "rule". Why on earth would you agree to never discuss someone's past? So if he visited prostitutes regularly until last month and injected heroin last week, you would be perfectly OK with that? It's a CRAZY thing to agree to. 3
Toodaloo Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Why on earth would you not discuss the past? How on earth do you get to find out who someone is unless they tell you about themselves? Really stupid rule that one. No you were not wrong but it does seem really weird that he is seeing an ex and not telling you about it. For clarification read word "weird" to mean really dodgy and suspicious behaviour. For future reference people who are not ashamed of themselves and have nothing to hide do not make such silly rules...
Author BooksAndTea Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 No, you had reasons to ask questions, you were looking out for yourself. What I don't like though is the fact you did not take actions when you found out the truth. Your bf of 4 months lied to you but you're still with him? If you can't apply proper punishment then why seek the truth? He said his 'ex-gf' wasn't really a serious thing - and therefore he saw her more as a friend and therefore referred to her as friend in front of me as well. Would you still consider that a lie?
Author BooksAndTea Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 No you weren't wrong to ask, but you were wrong to agree to such a stupid "rule". Why on earth would you agree to never discuss someone's past? So if he visited prostitutes regularly until last month and injected heroin last week, you would be perfectly OK with that? It's a CRAZY thing to agree to. We just thought it would cause us to appreciate the person for who they are now, and not judge them based on their pasts - because we both had the tendency to do that. However, I thought it was clear that we would discuss our pasts if it was relevant to our present. But for some reason, his 'ex' didn't seem to cut that description according to him, therefore causing problems between us. It was a stupid rule now that I think of it though.
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Yes precisely. He gets to pick and choose which past events he thinks are relevant to your relationship, and then gets to blame you for violating the agreement. Whereas your perception of what's relevant is wildly different to his.
Winterina Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 We just thought it would cause us to appreciate the person for who they are now, and not judge them based on their pasts - because we both had the tendency to do that. However, I thought it was clear that we would discuss our pasts if it was relevant to our present. But for some reason, his 'ex' didn't seem to cut that description according to him, therefore causing problems between us. It was a stupid rule now that I think of it though. People SHOULD be judged on the basis of their past. What else are you going to judge their character upon when we don't really know whom we are with until quite late in the relationship? If someone lied to everyone in their past or cheated on everyone in their past, that is a big red flag. If someone was in jail, red flag. Used heavy drugs, went to rehab but used them again, went to rehab again - do you really want to be with them? Etc. One million things that were started in the past and ended in the past, DO tell a lot about a person. It is a very wide concept of what has present effect as opposed to what doesn't. In my mind, everything about person's past tells something about them. Even their mistakes. Making a no talk about past rule is suspicious as hell in itself. The fact that he stonewalled you after seeing this girl, call her what you want, is even more suspicious. Be careful there.
Author BooksAndTea Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 People SHOULD be judged on the basis of their past. What else are you going to judge their character upon when we don't really know whom we are with until quite late in the relationship? If someone lied to everyone in their past or cheated on everyone in their past, that is a big red flag. If someone was in jail, red flag. Used heavy drugs, went to rehab but used them again, went to rehab again - do you really want to be with them? Etc. One million things that were started in the past and ended in the past, DO tell a lot about a person. It is a very wide concept of what has present effect as opposed to what doesn't. In my mind, everything about person's past tells something about them. Even their mistakes. Making a no talk about past rule is suspicious as hell in itself. The fact that he stonewalled you after seeing this girl, call her what you want, is even more suspicious. Be careful there. I know. It was a big mistake on our part. I just felt that if I found out things about his past right off the bat that I didn't like, I wouldn't even give him a chance. That didn't work in our favor though, because we found out bits of each other's past later into the relationship anyway - but at that point our emotions were clouding our judgment, and we felt like we sort of had to accept our pasts and focus on our present instead. So basically, regardless of his relationship or lack thereof with that girl (according to him) is HE at fault for not disclosing it or are WE at fault for creating that rule, that he can now use to his advantage?
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I just felt that if I found out things about his past right off the bat that I didn't like, I wouldn't even give him a chance. Yes, and that's a good thing!! Filtering out people you're not compatible with. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour. regardless of his relationship or lack thereof with that girl (according to him) is HE at fault for not disclosing it or are WE at fault for creating that rule, that he can now use to his advantage? Regardless of who is at fault, do you want to carry on a relationship with this guy? I certainly wouldn't. 1
EgoJoe Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Dump your boyfriend. He lies to you and manipulates your decision making by withholding information. You can do bad on your own but you'll probably do better than this. 1
Dontfindme Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 So when me and my bf first started dating we agreed upon a ‘no-discussing past’ rule – unless it was relevant to our present. A close female friend of his was also aware of this rule we decided upon. This female friend (Melissa) then became very close to me because we coincidentally ended up attending a class together. Within my friendship with her, I never asked her about his past as we had our interests to discuss, and she and I were both respectful of our ‘don’t discuss past’ rule. Nevertheless, overtime I noticed my boyfriend becoming distant, less responsive, not as interested in me and my lifestyle. This behavior was 4 months into our relationship – and I kept asking him what was wrong, but he would keep giving me lame excuses like work or the weather. Finally, I came to find out that he was hanging out one on one with a female friend – movies, shopping, trips downtown. Before asking him about her, I asked Melissa if she knew anything about this girl he was suddenly hanging out with a lot. She didn’t explicitly tell me anything, but urged me to question my bf about this girl and tell him to stop seeing this girl. I finally asked my boyfriend and he told me that this girl was an ex but he didn’t think their relationship was serious enough in the past for him to tell me about her – and he only viewed her as a friend. I would then go to Melissa and vent about how my bf was shady about his relationship with his ex etc etc. As a result of which Melissa ended up telling me details about my bf’s past with his ex. Now, my bf feels Melissa violated their friendship because she didn’t live up to the ‘no-discussing past’ rule – and I should have gone to my bf and asked him instead of asking Melissa. I, however, feel Melissa did me a favor – otherwise I would have never known about this ex-gf (who wasn’t really a gf according to HIM). Now my bf keeps getting mad/upset that I am defending Melissa over defending him. But I feel that if my bf would have been open and honest to begin with, there would be no need for me to go to Melissa. Was I wrong for going to Melissa and inquiring about my bf? Your boyfriend lied - he's hanging out with his ex - regardless of how he wants to paint their relationship now. I wonder how excited he would be about you hanging out - going shopping and to the movies with your ex. My guess is that he wouldn't like it. If he was honest, he would have been up front about the whole thing - this ex, and his activities. Melissa is not bound by the rules of your relationship. She can say what she wants, to whom she wants to. He's only mad at her because he got caught. No, you were not wrong to inquire, if you handn't you would have been blind to it all this entire time. Your boyfriend sounds like an untrustworthy douche. 4 months in and already all of this nonsense? 2
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I agree about the no discussions about past rule where numbers are concerned, but you have a right to know why someone's relationships aren't lasting and it's good to ask gently about why relationships ended, but it's rude to talk about numbers. All that aside, if he's seeing a girl, especially an ex, this is NOT asking him about his past; it's asking about his present, so tell him that right away. You haven't agreed not to ask about girls he's still seeing.
Toodaloo Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 OP you are absolutely not in the wrong. Next he will be saying that he didn't really mean to have sex with that girl its just that his penis slipped while his flies were undone and if you don't believe him its your fault for asking in the first place... I know you like him but this guy is a douchbag, skuzbucket, a-hole... Give me ten minutes and I can come up with a whole load more nasty names but the end result is still the same. He lies because he has something to be ashamed of. He tries to shift the blame to you because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he is being a pooh bag... Get rid before his penis "slips by accident" Good luck. I know it sucks but you are better off with out. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 So when me and my bf first started dating we agreed upon a ‘no-discussing past’ rule – unless it was relevant to our present. A close female friend of his was also aware of this rule we decided upon. This female friend (Melissa) then became very close to me because we coincidentally ended up attending a class together. Within my friendship with her, I never asked her about his past as we had our interests to discuss, and she and I were both respectful of our ‘don’t discuss past’ rule. Nevertheless, overtime I noticed my boyfriend becoming distant, less responsive, not as interested in me and my lifestyle. This behavior was 4 months into our relationship – and I kept asking him what was wrong, but he would keep giving me lame excuses like work or the weather. Finally, I came to find out that he was hanging out one on one with a female friend – movies, shopping, trips downtown. Before asking him about her, I asked Melissa if she knew anything about this girl he was suddenly hanging out with a lot. She didn’t explicitly tell me anything, but urged me to question my bf about this girl and tell him to stop seeing this girl. I finally asked my boyfriend and he told me that this girl was an ex but he didn’t think their relationship was serious enough in the past for him to tell me about her – and he only viewed her as a friend. I would then go to Melissa and vent about how my bf was shady about his relationship with his ex etc etc. As a result of which Melissa ended up telling me details about my bf’s past with his ex. Now, my bf feels Melissa violated their friendship because she didn’t live up to the ‘no-discussing past’ rule – and I should have gone to my bf and asked him instead of asking Melissa. I, however, feel Melissa did me a favor – otherwise I would have never known about this ex-gf (who wasn’t really a gf according to HIM). Now my bf keeps getting mad/upset that I am defending Melissa over defending him. But I feel that if my bf would have been open and honest to begin with, there would be no need for me to go to Melissa. Was I wrong for going to Melissa and inquiring about my bf? Yes, you were wrong and she was wrong also the second time by giving you more information. She should have told you to do what she said the first time you inquired, which was to talk to your boyfriend. It never wise to confide or go to a mutual friend about relationship issues. You can talk to one of your own friends, but not mutual friends. Your boyfriend told you about her and said he regarded her as "just a friend". Unless he's been dishonest with you in the past about other things, you should take him at his word. Furthermore, you cannot tell your boyfriend to do anything. What you can and should do, is calmly and maturely express your concerns and have specific reasons for your concerns. If he does truly care enough for you, he will decide on his own to assuage or otherwise do something about it. It is not about what we have to say. It's about how we say it AND whether or not the person cares about you enough to change or stop behaviors. If you TELL him to do it, he will likely dig his heels in deeper. You said you noticed him becoming distant. When you notice or it becomes a problem to YOU, it's time for you to pull back a little yourself. I'm betting that you noticed him pulling away and started pushing him harder. If the truth is he's reconnecting with her and thinking about leaving you, you best bet is to give space and let things take their natural course. If he's on the fence about leaving you and he notices that you've created space too, he may begin to miss you and wonder what's happening himself and cause him to re-evaluate his situation and his investment in you. If you do this and things do not change fairly soon, I'd say, you should move on.
Recommended Posts