Date Threatens Suicide!

[writergal]

All the posters who are advising you to be empathetic and be an open door to her are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You two are complete strangers. You owe her nothing. Just block her. If you maintain any contact with her via email she will take advantage of you. Remember that phrase, "If you give someone an inch, they'll take a mile." Leave her alone. For your own sanity sake.

[Eighty_nine]

But saying "I've lost someone to suicide" implies that they were someone close to you. I went on 3 dates with this woman. Part of the reason I called things off was because she was pressuring me into being a boyfriend and having sex. There is no intensity knob on her---it's either going at 1 or 10. One day I was "sweet, handsome man", next day "RED FLAG" manipulator.

 

 

I wasn't implying that you are close to her or want her in your life at all. I'm just saying the experience of losing someone you love to suicide equals a different outlook on the subject.

[writergal]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Don't keep emailing her or she will assume you still like her.

[sweetjasmine]

I have no problem sending her a kind message. But I'm afraid she'll just send another one back.

 

So what if she sends another message back? Then it'd be obvious she was actually attempting to keep a conversation going. It's not like you'd be compelled to respond to her forever and ever just because you had the decency to respond to this one particular message with "I hope you get the help you need. Goodbye."

[writergal]

I wasn't implying that you are close to her or want her in your life at all. I'm just saying the experience of losing someone you love to suicide equals a different outlook on the subject.

 

Sycamore isn't responsible for this woman, who clearly wrote that she already felt suicidal. He owes her nothing. She is trying to manipulate him. That's obvious.

[acrosstheuniverse]

All the posters who are advising you to be empathetic and be an open door to her are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You two are complete strangers. You owe her nothing. Just block her. If you maintain any contact with her via email she will take advantage of you. Remember that phrase, "If you give someone an inch, they'll take a mile." Leave her alone. For your own sanity sake.

 

I'm pretty sure most of the posters who suggest an empathetic message back have also said 'AND THEN BLOCK FOREVER'. That's kinda the opposite of an open door.

 

I don't 'owe' anything to complete strangers, yet I volunteer because it's the right thing to do and I'd want someone to treat me in that manner if I ever needed it. Just because you don't 'owe something' to someone, doesn't mean you can't choose of your own volition to do the kind thing sometimes.

[writergal]

I'm pretty sure most of the posters who suggest an empathetic message back have also said 'AND THEN BLOCK FOREVER'. That's kinda the opposite of an open door.

 

I don't 'owe' anything to complete strangers, yet I volunteer because it's the right thing to do and I'd want someone to treat me in that manner if I ever needed it. Just because you don't 'owe something' to someone, doesn't mean you can't choose of your own volition to do the kind thing sometimes.

 

It's still horrible advice because he should just block her. He doesn't need to show her any empathy, that's just opening the door to making him miserable. Even if he does block her, she has his phone number she knows where he lives. It's about making the right choice. Each person is different. You have no idea how someone will respond to your rejection. If she's really really unstable, then him opening the door with any kind of empathetic email, is probably something that he'll regret.

[Art_Critic]

Nobody is saying to be mean to her, not contacting her given the circumstances isn't being mean, it is exercising your own boundaries.

 

If she contacts him further then he might need to get a little more firm and get her to understand that she isn't the right fit for him.

 

The last thing he needs is to take the bait.. which is what the whole suicide deal is, just bait.. I'll bet she has even used it before..

[SycamoreCircle]

She has family that she's close to. I don't think I'm her last link to life and happiness.

 

Last night she was berating me because I wanted to take things slowly. Then she told me her guard was back up and wished me well, sorry it didn't work out. I wrote her goodbye.

 

She's a 30-year-old woman, born and raised in New York. She just weathered a 3-year-relationship that ended in her live-in boyfriend cheating on her. I'm pretty sure a man she had 3 dates with through an online dating service is absolved from deep interpersonal obligation.

[Zahara]

I have no problem sending her a kind message. But I'm afraid she'll just send another one back. She's just trying to generate a dialogue and as someone said, reel me into her drama.

 

You have control over that. If she sends you a response back, then you choose not to entertain it because you've already made the decision to end it and move on.

 

I'm not sure why you're stressing over this so much.

 

There is no wrong or right. If you choose to ignore, then ignore. If you want to send a kind message, then send it in an effort to at least acknowledge her plight and then block. Then it's done and over.

[SycamoreCircle]

You have control over that. If she sends you a response back, then you choose not to entertain it because you've already made the decision to end it and move on.

 

I'm not sure why you're stressing over this so much.

 

There is no wrong or right. If you choose to ignore, then ignore. If you want to send a kind message, then send it in an effort to at least acknowledge her plight and then block. Then it's done and over.

Some people are telling me to send a kind message. And I always strive to treat people the best I can given the circumstances. I'm not stressed. I just want to do the best possible thing I can do.

[Yookie]

Long story short:

 

Met a girl on OKC. I knew she had some baggage. She and I shared similar stories(live-in exes cheated). I found her attractive. I courted her for about two weeks. We never had sex. She did come over to my place one night and we made out.

 

By the third date I knew it was too much for me. Her insecurities were through the roof. Yesterday evening she was supposed to come over for dinner and stay the night. She sensed my distancing via text and provoked an argument. I told her that her insecurities were more than I could handle. She was angry, accused me of manipulating her. She said she "wished me well." I told her goodbye.

 

This morning she e-mailed me this:

 

I just want to formally apologize. I haven't been well. I'm sorry that I dragged you into the mess that I am. It's bad. I'm suicidal and probably need to be hospitalized. I'm very scared and very sorry, Sycamore. I wish you a beautiful life.

 

How should I deal with this? Again, we knew each other about 2 weeks. We did nothing sexual besides some fondling. We went on 3 dates, with a lot of texting between.

 

In my state, this statement can get you involuntarily committed to the nearest mental institution for a 3-day evaluation. I don't think you should respond to her directly but I would forward her message to the suicide hotline agents and let them take it from there. They will send someone to see her and if they deem it necessary they will take her in for a psych eval. Most states take suicidal declarations very seriously.

 

If she was just bluffing then she will think twice about using that tactic again. If she is serious, then you may just save her life. Even if they don't take her to the hospital, they most likely will get her in touch with professionals that can help her.

 

I know most people won't take this route but I personally have had a family member commit suicide. She made threats before and no one did anything about it.

[sweetjasmine]

I'm pretty sure a man she had 3 dates with through an online dating service is absolved from deep interpersonal obligation.

 

A "hope you get well, goodbye" message is deep interpersonal obligation?

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's still horrible advice because he should just block her. He doesn't need to show her any empathy, that's just opening the door to making him miserable. Even if he does block her, she has his phone number she knows where he lives. It's about making the right choice. Each person is different. You have no idea how someone will respond to your rejection. If she's really really unstable, then him opening the door with any kind of empathetic email, is probably something that he'll regret.

 

Again, he doesn't NEED to show her empathy... but he can choose to. I'm assuming she already has his number, sending her a 'hope you get better soon' text isn't going to open the door any more further than it already is. She's already rejected by him, hence her lashing out and making threats, seeking attention.

 

I'm not saying that I believe he definitely ought to send her a text, just putting it out there as an option. If he chooses not to, he has done nothing wrong, he has no obligation to her. But I'm not sure why you're so against the prospect of him sending a message to her, when it would be a precursor to blocking her number and refusing to engage in any further correspondence?

[applej4]

Nobody is saying to be mean to her, not contacting her given the circumstances isn't being mean, it is exercising your own boundaries.

 

If she contacts him further then he might need to get a little more firm and get her to understand that she isn't the right fit for him.

 

The last thing he needs is to take the bait.. which is what the whole suicide deal is, just bait.. I'll bet she has even used it before..

 

It's not his responsibility to "get her to understand" anything. That's the job of mental health professionals.

[GemmaUK]

She's not threatening suicide.

 

 

She says she is feeling suicidal - which is a symptom of depression.

 

 

It's not any kind of threat, nor is it related to you in anyway.

 

 

She has said her goodbye so you have no need to respond to that.

[SycamoreCircle]

Again, he doesn't NEED to show her empathy... but he can choose to. I'm assuming she already has his number, sending her a 'hope you get better soon' text isn't going to open the door any more further than it already is. She's already rejected by him, hence her lashing out and making threats, seeking attention.

 

I'm not saying that I believe he definitely ought to send her a text, just putting it out there as an option. If he chooses not to, he has done nothing wrong, he has no obligation to her. But I'm not sure why you're so against the prospect of him sending a message to her, when it would be a precursor to blocking her number and refusing to engage in any further correspondence?

 

Actually, the other way around. Last night she was furious that I wanted to take things slow. I told her we could still have dinner together. She wished me well and said sorry it didn't work out. I told her goodbye.

 

Then this morning the mention of suicide and hospitalization.

[Zahara]

Some people are telling me to send a kind message. And I always strive to treat people the best I can given the circumstances. I'm not stressed. I just want to do the best possible thing I can do.

 

Then trust your judgment. Do what helps you move forward. You keep going on about what she said, what she did, etc. All that is irrelevant.

 

Whether you send it or not, the end result is you close the door and move on.

[TigerLilly78]

I remember the other thread and she did sound emotionally unstable from the get go.

 

Letting her go and not responding to any further contact is best. Or, the the most (if you want to be kinder), send her a last clear "closure message" (it was good to know you, I'm sorry this didn't work out, I hope we both find our matches), and then block/never respond anymore.

 

I vote for this... Something along the lines of it was nice knowing you but unfortunately I just can't be there for you in the way you seam to need some one right now best of luck then block her and then move on its sad but one can't save the world least give her proper closure tho I hate it when people just up and go silent with out that..

[SycamoreCircle]

Yeah, I'm closing the door. Thank you to everyone helping me weigh this matter. Suicide is such a delicate word.

[Ebelskiver]

I agree that you should have no further contact, but I also feel you can't just "let this go" without following up.

 

If this message had been sent to me, as a nurse practitioner I would legally have to act. I think you should print out the e-mail, give it to the police and stress that you want no further contact with her.

 

They will go and talk with her, assess her true risk of suicide and place her under a psychiatric hold if necessary. I feel this is the best option. You are hearing her cry for help, doing something about it, but remaining distant and uninvolved.

 

If you send her another message she will glom onto it and communication will continue. For someone to mention suicide to a casual acquaintance is a big warning sign of mental instability (duh). It wouldn't be your fault, but if she did go through with it you would feel guilt that you should have done more. Contacting the police is your way of doing more.

 

Additionally the police are trained to deal with this, they will likely at least take her to a hospital for evaluation by a psychiatrist. This is the best option. She NEEDS mental health help and this is the way for her to get it.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm sorry that sounds off. Call the police? Then I would have her contacting me telling me "WTF?!" and "Why would you do such a thing? You caused me embarrassment, etc!"

 

Too much drama.

[preraph]

By what you said she said, I am not getting she's blaming you for it but just telling you it's her issue and leaving so as not to exacerbate it.

 

BUT, if she keeps contacting you and she ever does make a suicide threat to you, yes, you must call the police. #1 in case it's serious and #2 in case it's just to get attention, that puts a stop to it. So don't do it yet but keep it in mind in case she begins making actual threats about suicide to you trying for attention. I don't think she will going by what she said to you.

[xxoo]

Human kindness warrants a "I wish you well, too. Take care." response, or similar.

 

Self preservation warrants blocking her thereafter.

[applej4]

One should be careful when the person you’re breaking up with wants to continue to communicate (talks, email, texts) to make them feel better. They just using it as a way to keep you in their life. It’s not kind because it gives them false hope and keeps them from moving on. No one is saying you need to be cruel, but it’s better to end it and let them know it’s final. Then walk away. If they need help sorting things out they should see a therapist.OP you should stop taking her calls and block her from emailing you. You don't owe her anything and you are not responsible for her. Cut off contact OR keep allowing her to involve you in her continuous drama - the choice is YOURS.