ralfgarnett Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 6 months and one week on from our separation, just sitting here typing on the laptop and thinking about the past months, I still feel shocked about it all and almost none-functioning sometimes, there have been periods of almost mental paralysis and total lethargy, even now after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I still don't feel as though im functioning even nearly normally, my motivation to earn is very very low and that's not good as im self employed so need to earn, I am in therapy and yesterday I was refered in for CBT to help me move on, its the lethargy that gets to me I feel bad about it but struggle to do anything about it, I feel almost shrouded in fog is this normal ?, we were together nearly 20 years married for nearly 18 and had a great time, but my wife is lost and gone probably for ever, will I get through ?, is it normal to feel this way after 6 months ?, am I just normal or is this unusual ?.
StalwartMind Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 As much as one would like to be in a better state by now, 6 months is still a fairly brief period considering the length of your relationship. It is probably not unheard of that someone is feeling better already, but if you've had a very intensive (good) connection with someone else, and then suddenly that is cut for whatever reason, then the healing process can be long. I don't think there is anything unusual about how you feel especially the lethargy. On the upside of things, it seems like it was good you were referred for some CBT treatment, as it might help you move on better. All the best to you and despite a struggling time, I hope you can find some new goals that will aid you well in your recovery.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Dear SWM, thanks for your reply and kind thoughts, I just feel so damn lethargic and almost sedated within myself, I am self employed and luckily I had a good year last year as I wouldn't know where I would be now had that not been the case as my productivity is at an all time low and I need to buck my ideas up very soon, I am hoping that brighter spring days will help give me a boost as I can also get more excercise done which should help give me a lift, but just as an example of my lethargy even though I have a few clients to call I am concentrating more on what to watch on TV tonight instead, I suppose I am looking for comfort by doing this but at the end of the day its still not good enough, I know there is no formula for this kind of feeling but I just wish I was feeling more like my old self as I feel angry that hr actions have left me feeling like this, I know she and I are not in a battle situation (yet) but I cant let her win she wont beat me I will prevail, get through and conquer my demons.
seminoles84 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sorry for your pain, OP. I won't pretend to know what it is like to separate after 20 years. 6 months is nothing though, I suspect it will take a few years to get over this. My parent got divorce after 20 years also when I was 8. They both remained single for awhile to find themselves and now both have been remarried and are happier than ever (Father married for 15 years now, and mother 13). There is hope, it just takes time. Best of luck! Keep posting as I find it helps processing the situation.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Sorry for your pain, OP. I won't pretend to know what it is like to separate after 20 years. 6 months is nothing though, I suspect it will take a few years to get over this. My parent got divorce after 20 years also when I was 8. They both remained single for awhile to find themselves and now both have been remarried and are happier than ever (Father married for 15 years now, and mother 13). There is hope, it just takes time. Best of luck! Keep posting as I find it helps processing the situation. Thanks for posting, after 20 years I feel numb lost and lonely, I turned 50 in December so not feeling too good at the moment, I feel like my world has fallen in around me as everything I do, see, think, feel involves her and our times together, I know this sounds like self pity but sometimes I feel as though luck is against me in this as I just don't seem to make any progress either with her or with myself, good luck to you I hope you heal quickly from whatever pains you, let me know if you need any advice as im good at giving it but not so good at taking it myself.
STM206 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Even after 1 year I am still working through things (and this was after a 4 year relationship) so give yourself a break. I understand how at times it feels like a "fog" because you spent 20 years with someone, 20 years with this idea about life and now everything has changed. You are doing fantastic, give yourself as much time as you need. Don't overthink but just allow the feelings to come and go - pushing it down won't benifit you in the slightest. Warm wishes.
FancyFace Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Ralf: 20 years is an incredibly long time and you just have to accept the fact that it will take a long time for you to heal and recover from the trauma of a broken union that you nutured for the greater part of your adult life. I think we don't have enough compassion for ourselves. Be gentle with yourself and take it day by day. Some days, you will only have the strength to take it moment by moment, but do so with the knowledge that everything will eventually be ok. Sending you love and light Ralf.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) Thank you both, yes its very difficult and most of the time I feel lost and scared, not much more I can say about it sometimes, I just don't think that my wife fully understands the implications of what she has done to me, it has impacted on almost everything I do in my daily life, I am self employed and even the business has suffered because of it due to my productivity being so low, even my doctor told me that I am in no fit state to be working and I should be taking better care of myself. Edited January 15, 2015 by ralfgarnett
erklat Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Thank you both, yes its very difficult and most of the time I feel lost and scared, not much more I can say about it sometimes, I just don't think that my wife fully understands the implications of what she has done to me, it has impacted on almost everything I do in my daily life, I am self employed and even the business has suffered because of it due to my productivity being so low, even my doctor told me that I am in no fit state to be working and I should be taking better care of myself. You are wallowimg in self pity now. You had a great business year 2014? You were broken up half of that year. I had 80 times shorter rs than you and it took me a year to heal. It is a process, but feel the pain and use it for self growth and introspection.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 You are wallowimg in self pity now. You had a great business year 2014? You were broken up half of that year. I had 80 times shorter rs than you and it took me a year to heal. It is a process, but feel the pain and use it for self growth and introspection. Yes I do feel sorry for myself, I cant help the way I feel erlkat, she meant everything to me for 20 years and I miss her and I miss our life together, I feel empty and half dead without her, my entire life has been turned upside down at 50 y/o, I didn't ask for this and I don't deserve this but I am trying my best, for example today is the first day of volunteering some of my time to a local organisation and I will be going in the next hour or so.
towardthefuture Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I don't think there's much anyone can do to ease your emotional pain. My relationship was only half as long as yours, but some things that have helped me incredibly are regular exercise, therapy, trying new hobbies (go take a class!), anti-depressants, and watching breakup movies. Here's one thing you should definitely not do: Sit alone doing nothing. You'll go nuts.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 I don't think there's much anyone can do to ease your emotional pain. My relationship was only half as long as yours, but some things that have helped me incredibly are regular exercise, therapy, trying new hobbies (go take a class!), anti-depressants, and watching breakup movies. Here's one thing you should definitely not do: Sit alone doing nothing. You'll go nuts. Loneliness is my worst enemy, I work from home so am basically here 24/7 and I think its part of why I am suffering from depression so deeply, for example its Saturday afternoon I am back from volunteering and I have had my lunch and I am already drinking a few glasses of cider, not crazy amounts and its not that strong but im drinking for company and to help take my mind off things, we used to spend the weekends together and I loved that but now I don't even notice the weekends as most days just seem to run in to each other, I just want things to change and for me to start feeling a bit better but I too have the knotted gut feeling under my heart and above my stomach right in the centre, I feel shaky too almost trembly as if I could drop something and break it if you get what I mean.
Avante91 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Ralf Your posts give me strength and comfort. I hope we both heal soon Regards Avante 1
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Ralf Your posts give me strength and comfort. I hope we both heal soon Regards Avante That's very kind of you but I don't see why, there are far wiser more experienced posters on here than me, all I write is how I feel and what I'm thinking but im glad you get something worthwhile out of my waffling, good luck to you Avante I hope you heal quickly from whatever affects you.
Avante91 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 That's very kind of you but I don't see why, there are far wiser more experienced posters on here than me, all I write is how I feel and what I'm thinking but im glad you get something worthwhile out of my waffling, good luck to you Avante I hope you heal quickly from whatever affects you. It's the sincerity in how you write and we are both UK based so I feel some form of familiarity, I follow all your posts and your story. I know you don't feel it but I think you are doing fantastic. In time we all heal I just wish I had a time machine!
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Once again that's very kind of you mate, where in the UK are you ?, I have just read your story and you certainly deserve better than you have had, but at 23 y/o you have the world at your feet, I didn't even contemplate going steady with anyone until I was around 24 so you have so much time on your side, I didn't get married until I was 30 instead I used to go out with my mates and play the field with girls, my advice to you would be to spend time with your friends, have fun, play the field, go on lads holidays in fact just enjoy yourself, one day you will meet that special girl but you have no need to rush or worry about it, I wish I was 23 again I would do quite a few things very differently, I don't regret meeting my wife and getting married we had a great time and were I thought very happy, the pain of her not being here is terrible though and I regret the fact my wife almost broke down and ran away other than trying to save our marriage and I find it hard to forgive that, but I have been to church today and always ask god to show me how to forgive her, I am struggling with this though and haven't quite figured out how to do it but I will, keep posting mate it s good communicating with you. 1
JonjMie Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Me too I'm UK based and I always find a bit more of a connection with UK posters. Perhaps we should all meet up and have a good old drink and moan, I'm on my own too, quite lonely, not many friends, my ex has girlfriends everywhere so won't be alone one single night.
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Me too I'm UK based and I always find a bit more of a connection with UK posters. Perhaps we should all meet up and have a good old drink and moan, I'm on my own too, quite lonely, not many friends, my ex has girlfriends everywhere so won't be alone one single night. I have often thought it would be nice to meet up with other posters and to talk in person about our experiences and have a damn good drink too, I think it could be very therapeutic, I too am on my own and very lonely in fact almost socially isolated due to wrok and the area I live in which is deathly quiet, got a few friedns but nothing as many 20 years ago, where in the uk are you ?
Avante91 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Once again that's very kind of you mate, where in the UK are you ?, I have just read your story and you certainly deserve better than you have had, but at 23 y/o you have the world at your feet, I didn't even contemplate going steady with anyone until I was around 24 so you have so much time on your side, I didn't get married until I was 30 instead I used to go out with my mates and play the field with girls, my advice to you would be to spend time with your friends, have fun, play the field, go on lads holidays in fact just enjoy yourself, one day you will meet that special girl but you have no need to rush or worry about it, I wish I was 23 again I would do quite a few things very differently, I don't regret meeting my wife and getting married we had a great time and were I thought very happy, the pain of her not being here is terrible though and I regret the fact my wife almost broke down and ran away other than trying to save our marriage and I find it hard to forgive that, but I have been to church today and always ask god to show me how to forgive her, I am struggling with this though and haven't quite figured out how to do it but I will, keep posting mate it s good communicating with you. I'm based in West Yorkshire mate! Thank you I know at 23 I am essentially a baby however this is the first "heartbreak" I've felt and infact the first time I've been blindsided and left. For me it's not the breakup which hurts, it's her behaviour (or lack of) after the breakup...the coldness, the blocking, the turning up wherever I am, the mind games... I would have much preferred a mature conversation and both parting our ways (I know people say closure doesn't help but in my case it always has helped me move on). I've been invited to a house party tonight - it's far away and it's new people so I will probably go and I hear there are 3 Irish sisters and we can stay over (wow I wish I had my mojo back haha) Although my situation can be likened to an ice cube compared to your iceberg, I do feel I can relate to you in some small ways. I have a history of depression and anxiety, but I think I used our relationship as a mask for it. I tried to make her happy constantly even at the expense of getting in debt, losing friends and hurting other people. I depended on her for my happiness, she completed me and now she's left I'm exposed, weak and lost. I will fix myself because this pain will not be for nothing. Our relationship was only 3 years (she did the exact same thing last year and came back) so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. Please keep posting mate it really gives me hope and I'm not sure why!
JonjMie Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I'm near Northampton so middle of the country really.
Avante91 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Me too I'm UK based and I always find a bit more of a connection with UK posters. Perhaps we should all meet up and have a good old drink and moan, I'm on my own too, quite lonely, not many friends, my ex has girlfriends everywhere so won't be alone one single night. I have a pretty impressive whiskey and brandy collection for a 23 year old..and my local is 2 doors away from my house haha. I would be up for that definitely as long as we meet somewhere public first so I don't get killed
Author ralfgarnett Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Wouldn't it be good if we could meet up, before I met her I used to spen every other weekend in Leeds, Batley, Dewsbury and Wakefield we had a great time driking Tetley and going clubbing, I would love to feel that level of joy again sometime but we all got wed and now just meet for a pint now and then, I will happily meet you for a pint sometime mate Stalybridge is pretty good for beer and I promise not to murder you 1
Recommended Posts