shet Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I'm in an unprecedented situation. First of all, while I'm pursuing the chances of a relationship with a woman I know for 2 months now that I'm still uncertain whether she's interested, I have other women interested in me and vying for attention. I don't know how to handle this mentally, all I do know is it seems unfair on me, who is still single, to have to turn women down when the first woman and I are not an item and haven't even kissed. I could use some help with my conscience here. All the advice says don't get oneitis so I didn't, and now look. Second, and maybe more important, both of these other women are in fragile states and I really don't want to hurt them. I can't relate their details but suffice to say they're isolated in different ways, vulnerable, and are lavishing uncomfortable levels of praise and devotion on me. Both of these women have not seen me in some time, are extremely keen to do so now, and this is all taking place via phones. It's clear that their isolation has/is causing them to focus emotional lasers on me and lose perspective. What the **** do I do? I didn't sign up to be fallen in love with, just to meet. They're fun interesting affectionate women, why would I not want to do that. Now it's grown all out of hand and the creeping sensation that I'm going to cause tears is upon me despite that I surely haven't done anything wrong. The things these women are saying make me sound like Sir Galahad and them sound like rescued princesses, and I grant you I'm a nice guy, but I am just a guy, looking for a relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Stop responding to their praise and attention.
Emilia Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Second, and maybe more important, both of these other women are in fragile states and I really don't want to hurt them. I can't relate their details but suffice to say they're isolated in different ways, vulnerable, and are lavishing uncomfortable levels of praise and devotion on me. Both of these women have not seen me in some time, are extremely keen to do so now, and this is all taking place via phones. It's clear that their isolation has/is causing them to focus emotional lasers on me and lose perspective. What the **** do I do? I didn't sign up to be fallen in love with, just to meet. They're fun interesting affectionate women, why would I not want to do that. Now it's grown all out of hand and the creeping sensation that I'm going to cause tears is upon me despite that I surely haven't done anything wrong. The things these women are saying make me sound like Sir Galahad and them sound like rescued princesses, and I grant you I'm a nice guy, but I am just a guy, looking for a relationship. It's your gut telling you that these women aren't suitable for a relationship. As a woman I experience this many times with men. You know that sex could work but nothing else beyond that. That doesn't guarantee that the woman you like will respond to you well, it's just that these women are too broken and desperate to be considered long term partners. Unfortunately this is the only known part in the equation.
Toodaloo Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Just be honest with them. Its all you can do. I tend to praise people around me but then thats just who I am, stranger or friend I can normally find something nice to say and if I know someone is feeling down I compliment them as it will lift their day... If you don't want to get into a relationship with them - just say so!
Assada Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Lock them in a dungeon and have your way with both of them. hahahahaha Thats a quality problem to have
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I'm in an unprecedented situation. First of all, while I'm pursuing the chances of a relationship with a woman I know for 2 months now that I'm still uncertain whether she's interested, I have other women interested in me and vying for attention. I don't know how to handle this mentally, all I do know is it seems unfair on me, who is still single, to have to turn women down when the first woman and I are not an item and haven't even kissed. I could use some help with my conscience here. All the advice says don't get oneitis so I didn't, and now look. Second, and maybe more important, both of these other women are in fragile states and I really don't want to hurt them. I can't relate their details but suffice to say they're isolated in different ways, vulnerable, and are lavishing uncomfortable levels of praise and devotion on me. Both of these women have not seen me in some time, are extremely keen to do so now, and this is all taking place via phones. It's clear that their isolation has/is causing them to focus emotional lasers on me and lose perspective. What the **** do I do? I didn't sign up to be fallen in love with, just to meet. They're fun interesting affectionate women, why would I not want to do that. Now it's grown all out of hand and the creeping sensation that I'm going to cause tears is upon me despite that I surely haven't done anything wrong. The things these women are saying make me sound like Sir Galahad and them sound like rescued princesses, and I grant you I'm a nice guy, but I am just a guy, looking for a relationship. These women are immature emotionally and not saavy about how to allow relationships to develop. They are looking for an instant relationship. You need to be honest with them and just tell them you've enjoyed time with them but that you don't think you and whomever it is are a good match to move forward in dating. If you are honest and direct, your conscience should rest easily. They may cry, the may get angry, etc. Don't feed it. Just wish them the best and say goodbye. Over time, hopefully, they will learn from their dating history and grow to be more mature at dating and become strong, independent, secure women. It's not your job to teach them by telling them what they are doing or did wrong. Cut if off simply and directly. If they harrass you with calls and texts, block them. 2
SoleMate Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You asked, "Am I a[n uncaring person who uses others]?" I'd say no, because you're thinking about other people and making an effort not to hurt them. Honesty matters. Have you considered being upfront and just saying, "I'm very interested in someone else and she's taking up most of my thoughts right now, but if you want to spend time together casually, I'd be happy to." (Assuming that's the case.) You can even add, "As charming as you are, I don't see us together long term." After that, you may find each of the ladies even more eager to change your mind. I wouldn't fault you for that. OTOH, your chances with target lady may be damaged by any dalliances with the two "emotionally fragile" women.
rocketman122 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 A dick and a shet! Dude youre on a roll! Just add douche and youll be legendary!
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I can't tell if you're talking about online or dating in person, but either way, do NOT commit to anyone you aren't sure is really interested OR anyone using their vulnerability to blackmail you into being with them or committing to them. Obviously you don't even know where you stand here and are nowhere ready for commitment. You say you're "pursuing the chance of a relationship." That's just standing in line for something that likely will never materialize. Under no circumstances should you commit to this woman to wait on the chance she decides she's interested enough to do something about it!! Come on. She has no right to ask that.
Author shet Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Well an update, as recommended I just had to explain to the other two what the situation was. One pitched a fit that I "liked someone else" and made me quite unhappy over the weekend but is at least talking civilly again. The other is OK but also says since I "like someone else" that she'll back off for now because she isn't looking for something casual. She says she'll wait to find out what happens even though I've insisted she meet someone else. I feel much better now. I won't ever make that mistake again - one at a time, thank you very much, and the internet can stuff its bull**** up its arse. preraph - The first woman hasn't asked anything of me. This basically WAS my attempt not to "commit" to her, explore other options, and hey, turns out at least the women I meet don't want to be casual and date guys who are dating others - as I always thought. And I'm not sure I do either but was willing to experiment. The first woman is a friend who even without being all coupley, I will see weekly, so she isn't just avoidable. I think on the whole, I don't need to be getting laid, so I can handle mixed messages for a while longer while my weekends are taken up by her (if you want examples, we attended a wedding together last week, I introduced her to my friends at the weekend, this weekend I'm meeting her sister and the weekend after it's movie night round hers... she wants me to go abroad alone with her later this year... you wouldn't believe we aren't an item but there it is). This has happened before, I know how it goes, about 6 months in I'll get annoyed and push the issue with finality, find she isn't interested, spend a couple months depressed and then try again. Aint life grand.
Toodaloo Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Bless your socks Shet - you sound miserable. Goes to show that dating isn't always all its cracked up to be is it? Good luck hope it all works out.
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