Ahni Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 My ex and I were together for a year. We were enamored with each other, and just so excited about our future together. But over the year things crumbled, and just got too toxic, so he said he wanted to be friends, and slowly pushed himself away. The difficult thing is that we work together, so its impossible to get space. I'm looking for a new job, however its not coming fast enough. We had a passionate, loving, affectionate relationship, we share hobbies and similar world views, want the same things life, and have similar career goals, but it was very toxic. He tried so much to please me, and did everything for me, and I had so many walls up that I just didnt see it. He was jealous, and I was unavailable, and we fought. I was convinced he didnt love me (my issues), and he was convinced that I didnt love him (rightfully so). So, he told me he loved me so much, but things were just too toxic, and just wanted to be friends. He said this a number of times to me in tears, but it just didn't get through to me. He said this was ruining him, and that he needed to heal and get himself back together. I cried and hoped that he would change his mind, but he just kept saying the same thing "I need to heal, I need space". He said that maybe we can try again, but didn't want to give you hope. But after saying this we spent Thanksgiving alone together, I cooked him dinner and we had a great time, but as he was leaving he began to cry and just said it was so sad how we ended up. The past few months have been so tough, especially at work. I got really needy and wanted to talk, and he wanted nothing to do with that, especially there. I didnt get much from him, so I backed off. A few weeks passed and things were going pretty good at work, but over the next month or so we hung out only once. We had coffee and got along so well, and then the next day he freaked out and his emotions went crazy. He said he needed space. A few weeks passed and it was back on track to getting along at work, then one day he saw me chatting with a coworker (who happens to be a good looking guy) and got incredibly jealous and demanded that we cut ties immediately. He blocked me, and my phones been blocked since, and for the next week wouln't even make eye contact at work. I emailed a him and told him there was nothing to worry about, and that I had no interest in him, and I never got a response back, then didnt hear from him on Christmas. The next week I asked if he wanted to join me and some friends for New Years. He politely declined, and so I prepared myself for not having him there. I was so sad, but decided to try and have a good time. When I got to the venue, he and his parents (who are visiting from out of the country) were there, and we had a wonderful time. Then, the next day he acted like nothing happened. Since then I've let things go a lot. I don't try to engage him, and just let things be. Well, now he's giving mixed signals. Calling me by my pet name, which he never does anymore, ever. He's giving me hugs, sometimes a few per day. He kisses me on the cheek, and asks me if I'm doing okay when I leave work. Now he's engaging me, telling me about his week, asking me about mine. Making a lot of eye contact. He even questioned me about a burn I had on my neck from a curling iron, thinking it was a hicky. He came in to work a half hour early this week, and sat at the bar doing homework (we are bartenders). Which he never does. But still no contact outside of work.. I wouldnt have seen what kind of girlfriend i was unless he had left, but wish that I didnt have to lose him in the process. I cant tell if he feels guilty that he left the relationship (especially since I fell apart) Or now feelings rejected because I am pulling away, or if he's starting to warm up and trust me again, or even just over it and wanting to be friends.. Any thoughts?
Satu Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You seem to just make each other unhappy. It would be best to avoid each other as much as possible.
Deidre Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) Just looking in objectively at this…his ‘needing space’ meant he was testing the waters with someone else, thus pushing you away. That didn’t work out, now he’s back into being nice to you,not asking for space.I wouldn’t even remain friends with the guy, I’d shut the door. Be nice and professional at work and work on healing yourself. When people go from ‘I need space,’ to ‘Heyyy…what’s upppp…how are you??’ …usually they were testing the waters with someone else, and it didn’t pan out so they’re circling back to their ex. Of course, I could be wrong, but it sounds that way. My advice…move on, and tell him to, as well. Edited January 15, 2015 by Deidre 2
Author Ahni Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I guess that is a possibility.. I did talk to him about dating, and he said that he didn't believe it was healthy to date, or go out and meet girls when you just come out of a relationship, and that it was disrespectful to me, and himself. I asked him directly and he said he didnt want to be with anyone..So I believe him, but perhaps I shouldn't? He just kept saying, "just give me time, give me space". And at that time, he needed it. He was easily frustrated with me, and just needed time away from things. That was hard to give him though because we work together. I hope that he'll come back after some thought, but who knows. I know its hopeful, and I know people tell me to move on. I'm doing my best to stay busy, and positive, but the heart wants what it wants. He seems to be showing signs of warming up, but then again, it could be a number of things. He parents are visiting from his home country, which is a big deal for him. I'd like to think that is taking up most of his time. Its just hard to let go when I see him three times a week. Im really excited to get in to another job.
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