kacper Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 So I am pretty much dead in the water after being dumped two months ago. Reasons she gave were "emotionally unavailable", "workaholic", and "trust issues". I tried to reach out to her to show I was making changes, but she cited that change takes time. The changes were all things she suggested at one point or another, that were very obviously good life habits. Yoga. Work less. Maybe a little therapy, etc. So I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Meanwhile, I started a private blog, detailing the lessons and revelations I was making about communication, relationships, yoga, etc. Some pretty good stuff in there. Since I very much doubt she would want to hang out with me right now, and she wouldn't take a call from me, there is no way I can change her skewed perception of the guy she left. I'm considering sending her the link of the blog. She actually has a blog very similar that she made public. So this way I can show that i'm learning and changing, I trust her enough to read my personal stuff, and I'm making myself emotionally available. All without bugging her with phone calls and emails. She can read it at her own time, or pass on it. Either way I'll keep up the writing. I need to hear how some of this might backfire, or cause the wrong impression. I've never done something like this before, but I feel like it meets her on her own playing field, and isn't too intrusive.
sober and dry Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It's pretty simple and hard sorry but, if you do that (by the things you describe just in here) she will just think about it as one more try from you to impress her, but not in a good way you know? I think that blog idea is good for you and your healing process, but it's for YOU not her, not at this time. Maybe, just maybe, later if she show something substantial for you two in the sense of getting back, maybe you could show that to her as your journal of self improvement. Not wile you are making it, not in the position you are ok? 1
bigtrouble Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Breakups are difficult we see our faults and want to improve ourselves and make it right, but the main reason is that it must be Self Improvement, we do it for ourselves, not to win our Ex back... Keep working on yourself GO NC, maybe in time she will get curious and take a peek and see how changed you are... Don't make it obvious... Women are smart... 1
Halcyon Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 You don't there is another thread where a guy is in uproar with everyone because he wants to give a sappy video to his ex. Everyone is telling him it's a terrible idea because it is. Your gut reaction when someone you care about is leaving is to do everything you can to hold onto them. This is wrong it will just push them away because you are not respecting their wishes. Sure write a blog but write it for yourself, not to win her back. You sending her the link is the same as going "Hey I'm still here, please pay attention to me!" and I can almost guarantee she will see through it for what it is, a sounding board for you to trying and show her how much you have changed and it will more than likely be received negatively. So no I don't think it's a good idea to send her that and honestly if she wants to get in contact she will. Trust me she will if she wants to, she hasn't forgotten how if she doesn't then you need to just move on sadly. 1
Chin Up Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Don't send it. She will probably read it and assume that everything you are writing is well worded ploys to get her back...and if deep down she has no intentions of getting back with you, her sitting around reading your blog about all the wonderful changes you made for her is going to give her great big fat juicy ego boosts and you will feel humiliated in the end. It's indirect contact. If she's curious as to how you're doing and the changes you've made, she will contact you to find out. If she doesn't, well... Drop off the face of her earth. She's never going to miss you or wonder about you if she can pop onto a blog and find out. What incentive does she have to contact you if your life is out in the open? 5
NopeNah Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) AND AWAY WE GO! Don't do that unless you want to look very,very weak! All you've probably wrote is the "going through the motion" stuff that you think she wants..words mean nothing! Action! Show her through indirect action, how you're changing. Talk is cheap and she's probably not buying. If she does and you really haven't truly change it's over again. Breath for a couple weeks and work on yourself. Edited January 15, 2015 by Praying4Daylight 2
Author kacper Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Good points all around. I'll likely show it to her, but further down the line. -If and when we get back on speaking terms.
Halcyon Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Even if you get back on speaking terms I wouldn't show her. This isn't a 'strange' tactic it's extremely common and it backfires a lot. People are smarter than you give them credit for. She will see it as you just saying what she wants to hear to try and get back with her. If you are going to do this do it for you, not for her. 1
towardthefuture Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 AND AWAY WE GO! Don't do that unless you want to look very,very weak! All you've probably wrote is the "going through the motion" stuff that you think she wants..words mean nothing! Action! Show her through indirect action, how you're changing. Talk is cheap and she's probably not buying. If she does and you really haven't truly change it's over again. Breath for a couple weeks and work on yourself. What do you mean 'indirect action'?
David87 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Good points all around. I'll likely show it to her, but further down the line. -If and when we get back on speaking terms. Put it away for a year, then read it and I guarantee you wont show it to her. Being dumped sucks, it's like getting fired from your job. Dont put all the blame on you, make changes in your life improve it but only for you not to get her back, If she left you once what makes you think she wont do it again? NC dude all the way.. 2
FancyFace Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 The mistake you are making is that you are improving on yourself for her and not for you. For whatever reason, the relationship is over, she made the choice not to be with you. In order to make any progress in your healing and getting over this, you need to accept that fact. It's over. So now everything that you do should be geared towards yourself completely. If you do yoga, it should be because you want to and you genuinely enjoy it. If you write, it should be for yourself and not as a thinly veiled attempt to communicate in a roundabout manner to your ex. Accept the end of the relationship, go NC and focus on you. 5
David87 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 OP is confused now because his BU is still fresh but after the dust settles he will understand what we're trying to say:) 1
Author kacper Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) Hold on here. A couple of people keep insisting that I'm doing stuff to improve myself only to get back together. Let me be clear... Yoga) 10 years ago my girlfriend was a yoga instructor. It helped her get out of a clinical depression. Around the same time, by best friend got in a car accident and he said yoga helped that a lot too. Yoga is also a great way to deal with a stressful job. I actually started yoga not because of the ex, but because of the pain of the breakup. It helped me stop thinking about her, for at least an hour at a time. Therapy) The last 4 girls I dated said I am emotionally unavailable. I can't tell when I am being that way. I started therapy because maybe all 4 of these girls are on to something. I needed to quit ignoring it, and do something about it. Who wants to keep repeating their mistakes? Work Addition) My base hours in my job hover around 60-70 hrs a week. That's insane. Who works that much?! Most of it I don't even get paid for! I have RSI in my whole right arm. That needed to change this year despite my ex. So she was certainly the inspiration for the change but she's not the reason I keep going back. There is a distinct possibility that the relationship is over. I'd like to think we can reconnect, but both yoga and therapy insist you need to accept what IS, not what MIGHT BE. Do people really think I am going to stop the stuff I started just because one day I see my ex with another guy? That's absurd. It's throwing away hundreds of dollars and hours of hard work. Edited January 15, 2015 by kacper 1
waiting4u Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 So I am pretty much dead in the water after being dumped two months ago. Reasons she gave were "emotionally unavailable", "workaholic", and "trust issues". I tried to reach out to her to show I was making changes, but she cited that change takes time. The changes were all things she suggested at one point or another, that were very obviously good life habits. Yoga. Work less. Maybe a little therapy, etc. So I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Meanwhile, I started a private blog, detailing the lessons and revelations I was making about communication, relationships, yoga, etc. Some pretty good stuff in there. Funny, these were some of the reasons why I broke up with my ex. At the time I thought I was trying really hard to help him, but in retrospect I was basically trying to change him so he would fit into my world and my lifestyle. Granted, he was a mess. But it was his deal to get himself together if he saw problems in his life, not mine. My point is that you shouldn't have to change for someone else. It sounds like you've done all these things to get her back. Your blog says "look, I've transformed myself into the exact person you wanted me to be!" I doubt that's going to win her back. You might make it a public blog and link it to your social media sites. If she's still at all interested, she's totally stalking you on Facebook and twitter. I wouldn't send it to her personally though. The B**ch. Left. You. She doesn't deserve a personality overhaul. Screw her. Make changes for yourself, so you can be a happier person.
waiting4u Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 oops I should have read these other posts that are basically saying the same thing. Sorry.
EgoJoe Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 All of her reasons if she is not willing to hear you out translate into, "I don't want to be with you but can not own that decision." Stop believing everything Women say. They don't!
Halcyon Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) So she was certainly the inspiration for the change but she's not the reason I keep going back. There is a distinct possibility that the relationship is over. I'd like to think we can reconnect, but both yoga and therapy insist you need to accept what IS, not what MIGHT BE. Do people really think I am going to stop the stuff I started just because one day I see my ex with another guy? That's absurd. It's throwing away hundreds of dollars and hours of hard work. No one is saying improving yourself is bad a thing. Not at all that is a good thing and keep it up. However it's transparent as day that you are motivated at the moment with the mentality of 'winning' her back and not for yourself. You have basically laid out a blueprint of what she wants and are doing that and are now thinking of ways that you can show this in a subtle manner. Except it's not subtle and never will be, the only way you can make her wonder is by just living your life and moving on without her with no alternate agenda of trying to win her back. Even the language you are using is showing of this for example "There is a distinct possibility that the relationship is over." Sorry to break it to you but your relationship is over no if's or but's. Anything you may have in the future would not be the same relationship it will something else entirely. She may come knocking one day, she may not ultimately that is her choice not yours. Respect her wishes don't try to sway her with this kind of thing. I've had it done to me in the past; It didn't move in the way they wanted it just basically showed they were willing to bend who they are as a person to try and please me which is not what I wanted at all. This is extremely common 'tactic' for people who haven't let go yet and accepted it's over. Edited January 15, 2015 by Halcyon
NopeNah Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 By 'indirect', I meant not telling her: "Hey look at what I'm doing now"..Just do,don't say.
Author kacper Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Yeah, I think there were a few flaws that in this wacky idea that I overlooked. I've been pretty good about NC for the last 2 months, and I don't want to break that unless it for a well thought out reason. Why would she ever reach out to me if she can find out what's up with me via the blog? And yeah, the blog can easily be interpreted as a thinly veiled attempt to impress or kiss ass. If I do ever share it with her it will only be after we are on talking terms, and on the subject of self-growth. Finally, it really is vital to DO the practices I talk about in the blog and not just TALK about them. So yeah, it was a bad idea. Good to keep the blog, but bad to share it with her. Need to keep drilling into my head that this chapter of my life is over, and I can't hold on with some half-baked idea.
flitzanu Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 So I am pretty much dead in the water after being dumped two months ago. Reasons she gave were "emotionally unavailable", "workaholic", and "trust issues". I tried to reach out to her to show I was making changes, but she cited that change takes time. this is your answer. you telling her that you changed doesn't mean that you changed. if and when you "change", then she is the one that will have to decide if you did indeed change, and if that pleases her. going on a quest to show her how different you are is futile and manipulative, and she is going to see right through it. 1
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