reconcile Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Ok, a love interest has revealed a DEEP fear of intimacy. She doesn't kiss, let her breasts be touched, can't touch stomach, wont receive oral - but penetration is more than fine. I have read that this can be form a sex abuse survivor and have known the woman for a long time and she says if it happened, that she has no memory of it. She had an otherwise traumatic childhood just the same. It makes me feel like a failure in bed because of this no touch policy, but it's not just me, it has been this way for anyone getting to close to her. I read that this is a social anxiety thing and possibly and abuse or abandonment thing. Can any women here speak to this. I am a generous lover and it pains me to have these no-touch zones...especially when it is basically most of her. Her body image is negative, but it is not that. it is fear of closeness. Her father abandoned her to her abusive mother at age 7 and this seems to be where her trauma lies. But can it cause this? I only aim to being her sensual joy if possible as one facet of our romance.
Gloria25 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Well, IMO, we have a responsibility to bring our "best selves" to a RL...That means you handle your debts/bills, addictions, issues, etc. I mean, yes, we do couple up to for a "team" - where we get emotional support from our SO, but IMO, you don't turn your partner into your "therapist" or your "punching bag". So, if your partner's limitations are a problem for you and she doesn't wanna seek counseling to deal with/over come it - I guess you got a decision to make. You know, some people like to hold on to being the "victim"...it takes a lot of hard work to deal with your demons. I mean, you gotta find a therapist and develop a rapport where you can speak candidly about embarrassing things (i.e. the abuse). Also, therapy is "work". Sometimes it's just easier to give into the issues instead of work on them. Then, some people like the attention they get from being the victim. People bow to them, walk on egg shells and cater to them. That's one good way to "trap" a partner too. Then, some people wanna punish the people who hurt them and cuz they never did, they spend the rest of their lives holding onto the anger and punishing innocent people (i.e. an SO). Then, it's all they know. We seem to form certain things about us from our childhood and we're sorta "comfortable" there - even if it was an abusive situation. So, some people get healthy and get away, some seek out abusive RLs - to continue to reenact their childhood.. Just some food for thought...
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It's so sweet that you want to try, but you can't fix this. Is she in therapy? I'd make it a condition of staying with her, that she has to start because there is something really wrong here & you are going to continue to be miserable & unfulfilled if she doesn't change. 1
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I only aim to being her sensual joy if possible as one facet of our romance. You can't. Unless you are 100% completely accepting of her stated limitations and SHE expresses a desire to be different or change, there is nothing you can do. You can't be her therapist or counselor. 1
salparadise Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) I am a generous lover and it pains me to have these no-touch zones...especially when it is basically most of her. Her body image is negative, but it is not that. it is fear of closeness. Her father abandoned her to her abusive mother at age 7 and this seems to be where her trauma lies. But can it cause this? Body image, abandonment, abusive parent... any or all of the above, perhaps. These were likely combined with a failure of maternal bonding at an early age. John Bowlby's attachment theory is based around the premise that “the initial relationship between self and others serves as blueprints for all future relationships.” (Bowlby 1975) My personal opinion is that the first relationship (maternal bonding) has even more influence than can be empirically proven. If the father left at age 7 and the mother was abusive, then it's probable that the mother had her own issues and the relationship had been unsatisfactory up until that time as well. That is probably many times more determinant than the father leaving. Bottom line: you almost certainly cannot fix it. You might make some incremental progress, but the core characteristics are not going to reverse either by identifying the etiology, relearning attachment or developing trust in the current relationship. Edited January 15, 2015 by salparadise
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Oh, that's tough. I'm so sorry. It's her traumatic childhood. She definitely must get into therapy and begin to work on these things. If I were you my deepest fear wouldn't be can she ever be touched but was her childhood so bad and her parents so bad that she doesn't even have empathy and could be unable to have love emotions, so be sure she can before you invest too much there. If you know she can love people and can feel their pain and likes animals and can sympathize at appropriate times, then at least she's not entirely broken.
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I wouldn't waste my time in this if I were you, you're too soft, sensitive and take everything personal...a guy like you will never understand her, and there's no good reason you should be capable of. This is not about you, your ego, or pride...a lot of women are scarred and damaged, but this woman has got it bad, you will undoubtedly fail...I promise you that, the sooner you realize you can't fix thus, the better and then just move on. Don't try and fix her, it's a fools bet.
me85 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Every woman is different. I experienced sexual trauma early on and was very modest about my body for a long time growing up. But once I started dating seriously in my 20's I opened up and the uncomfortable feelings I had about sex/showing my body went away completely. I grew to have a very healthy appetite for sex. I fully embraced passionate/wild sexual experiences.
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