Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I started dating this girl about a week ago (met her once, a month before at a club) and I feel this like this relationship is in fast forward mode. On the first date I ended up back at hers and slept with her. The second date she came to my house (I live at home) to spend the night with my family and next door neighbors, like a mini party. (Parents and neighbors really liked her). She stayed the night at mine and we had sex twice. The next day we spent it together going to the beach, etc and just hanging out. But during the night whilst intoxicated (I know the truth comes out) when we were lying in bed she asked me "What are we? Dating or exclusive?" and I said dating pretty quick, she then said things like "you know I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you so what do you think of me?" and I kept it simple and said "im enjoying the time im spending with you" We text everyday (not obsessive texting) like sending photos and things, also saying goodnight to each other. I'm never experienced all these things to happen so quickly within a week. I'm used to it been a little bit harder with communication and things. she's a really cool girl but due to a past relationship of mine it can take a bit longer for me to develop trust. I don't know if I need advice or for someone to tell me "it's alright", I thought I would just share. Thanks.
katlover Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 it's alright Sounds like a relationship that is flowing nicely to me. I mean you found a girl who you are comfortable with and can easily connect with, and it seems to be going very well. Keep it up
Assada Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Let the relationship happen on your terms. If youdont feel like you can fully trust her yet, dont. People need time to trust someone, so dont force it
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 it's alright Sounds like a relationship that is flowing nicely to me. I mean you found a girl who you are comfortable with and can easily connect with, and it seems to be going very well. Keep it up Ok thanks, I guess you're right.
mammasita Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I would hope you are exclusively dating if you are sleeping together. You can do that whilst still getting to know each other at this point you know.....make that known so there's no question about seeing other people. Otherwise, just go with the flow.
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I started dating this girl about a week ago (met her once, a month before at a club) and I feel this like this relationship is in fast forward mode. On the first date I ended up back at hers and slept with her. The second date she came to my house (I live at home) to spend the night with my family and next door neighbors, like a mini party. (Parents and neighbors really liked her). She stayed the night at mine and we had sex twice. The next day we spent it together going to the beach, etc and just hanging out. But during the night whilst intoxicated (I know the truth comes out) when we were lying in bed she asked me "What are we? Dating or exclusive?" and I said dating pretty quick, she then said things like "you know I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you so what do you think of me?" and I kept it simple and said "im enjoying the time im spending with you" We text everyday (not obsessive texting) like sending photos and things, also saying goodnight to each other. I'm never experienced all these things to happen so quickly within a week. I'm used to it been a little bit harder with communication and things. she's a really cool girl but due to a past relationship of mine it can take a bit longer for me to develop trust. I don't know if I need advice or for someone to tell me "it's alright", I thought I would just share. Thanks. First of all, I would never tell anyone that it's OK to sleep with a new dating partner on the first date, nor would I recommend seeing them the very next day for a party with friends and family and sex following. I'm guessing that this woman is young or very immature about dating. It was wise of her to ask about exclusivity after sleeping with you, but it was entirely too fast to be going down that road at all. I'd say she is looking for or gets into "instant relationships". You allowing her to meet family and friends likely gave her the impression you were already thinking about having her as your girlfriend. This is something that shouldn't happen until you are close or already have asked her to be your girlfriend. If you like her enough, I would put the brakes on a little. Spread your dates out and tone down the texting and calling. If she is texting and calling you, keep the conversations shorter. Maybe once a week you call her and schedule a date for the following week and be specific about date, time and location to help her manage any anxiety she may be feeling if she realizes that things are slowing down. If she starts coming at you more aggressively because she realizes things are slowing down, you should be honest with her. Tell her you enjoy your company but that you feel the need to take it more slowly. She may get upset by this because women are told that women a man says he wants to take it slowly, it's a sign that they are fading out. That is not always the case, it is usually a result of a woman pushing to hard and early for a relationship. An honest man, who really likes a woman, will tell them this because they really do like them and want the opportunity for a relationship with them but for it to develop in a healthy way. NOT ALL MEN ARE JERKS. If you like her enough, you should allow a relationship to develop naturally and a bit more slowly for reasons I am sure you understand. 4
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 I would hope you are exclusively dating if you are sleeping together. You can do that whilst still getting to know each other at this point you know.....make that known so there's no question about seeing other people. Otherwise, just go with the flow. Honestly I wasn't really familiar with the terms and thought exclusive meant boyfriend and girlfriend but now I know it means not to be seeing other people while your dating. She's probably coming over tomorrow night so I'll try and talk about it without freaking her out or anything. I'm pretty sure it would already be exclusive but I guess I should at least talk about it. 1
HVW_Mark Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I have no issue with sex on the first date, though sadly some men do disrespect it. If a women just wants to enjoy some good sex, why should she not be able to in the way a man can? The most sexually free, confident women I know have no need for a man but absolutely love sex.. Thus they protect their exclusivity much moreso than sex. Personally, I find it much more attractive when A girl will sleep with me early but takes months of dating to win over.. Rather than a girl who thinks sleeping with a guy and being exclusive are the same thing. But hell, each to their own. Sounds like it's going well, I personally think this is way, way to quick for exclusivity and a good, balanced relationship, but it works for some. It was probably unwise to have her meet your family day #2. 1
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 First of all, I would never tell anyone that it's OK to sleep with a new dating partner on the first date, nor would I recommend seeing them the very next day for a party with friends and family and sex following. I'm guessing that this woman is young or very immature about dating. It was wise of her to ask about exclusivity after sleeping with you, but it was entirely too fast to be going down that road at all. I'd say she is looking for or gets into "instant relationships". You allowing her to meet family and friends likely gave her the impression you were already thinking about having her as your girlfriend. This is something that shouldn't happen until you are close or already have asked her to be your girlfriend. If you like her enough, I would put the brakes on a little. Spread your dates out and tone down the texting and calling. If she is texting and calling you, keep the conversations shorter. Maybe once a week you call her and schedule a date for the following week and be specific about date, time and location to help her manage any anxiety she may be feeling if she realizes that things are slowing down. If she starts coming at you more aggressively because she realizes things are slowing down, you should be honest with her. Tell her you enjoy your company but that you feel the need to take it more slowly. She may get upset by this because women are told that women a man says he wants to take it slowly, it's a sign that they are fading out. That is not always the case, it is usually a result of a woman pushing to hard and early for a relationship. An honest man, who really likes a woman, will tell them this because they really do like them and want the opportunity for a relationship with them but for it to develop in a healthy way. NOT ALL MEN ARE JERKS. If you like her enough, you should allow a relationship to develop naturally and a bit more slowly for reasons I am sure you understand. I'm not trying to be an arse but it seems as if you have some set rules when it comes to dating but in this generation having sex on the first date isn't very unusual. And the reason I introduced her to my family so soon is because I'm more of a family man in general and consider them as friends. I've also clicked extremely quick this girl compared to any previous women and am already thinking of her as a girlfriend after only one week. I guess compared to the norm this is quite unusual in such a short period of time but you also hear stories of people falling in love at first sight so I guess this isn't too unlikely. I'm enjoying the speed of this 'relationship' but was more interested to hear if anyone else had experienced situations like this, she doesn't annoy me with text and they're spread out over hours with no double texting if one of us doesn't reply for a while.
Satu Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Lets hope that she doesn't go to bed so quickly with anyone/everyone... 2
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 I have no issue with sex on the first date, though sadly some men do disrespect it. If a women just wants to enjoy some good sex, why should she not be able to in the way a man can? The most sexually free, confident women I know have no need for a man but absolutely love sex.. Thus they protect their exclusivity much moreso than sex. Personally, I find it much more attractive when A girl will sleep with me early but takes months of dating to win over.. Rather than a girl who thinks sleeping with a guy and being exclusive are the same thing. But hell, each to their own. Sounds like it's going well, I personally think this is way, way to quick for exclusivity and a good, balanced relationship, but it works for some. It was probably unwise to have her meet your family day #2. I agree with the start but whats the big deal with meeting the family. My family are more like my friends and I pretty much talk to them the same as anyone else. We had heaps of fun messing around in the pool, telling jokes, etc so if it's going to be fun and exciting then what does it matter?
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Lets hope that she doesn't go to bed so quickly with anyone/everyone... Honestly it wouldn't bother me as long as she doesn't cheat after a relationship is established. I can't stand girls that haven't had much sex experience personally. But I can tell she isn't slutty from experience with other woman, trust me. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Honestly I wasn't really familiar with the terms and thought exclusive meant boyfriend and girlfriend but now I know it means not to be seeing other people while your dating. She's probably coming over tomorrow night so I'll try and talk about it without freaking her out or anything. I'm pretty sure it would already be exclusive but I guess I should at least talk about it. There are people here who won't like this, but, exclusivity is about not being sexual with anyone else while dating a particular person. They may date others up to the point where they decide to be sexual with the next one. Of course, people will abuse this. But this is the reason for not getting sexual with someone too quickly anyway. So bottomline, if you wait a little while before becoming sexual, it should mean that you are pretty sure you don't want to date anyone else either. That being said, if you do become sexual quickly and declare exclusivity, you can date another person or people but not be sexual with them. Boyfriend/girlfriend "commitment" comes after exclusivity. You need to be honest and upfront about what exclusivity means to you. If you adopt this model, be clear. If you decide for yourself that exclusivity means boyfriend and girlfriend, then don't become sexual with them quickly. Talk to her about what exclusivity means to her and what it means to you. There should be no assumptions. 1
HVW_Mark Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Honestly it wouldn't bother me as long as she doesn't cheat after a relationship is established. I can't stand girls that haven't had much sex experience personally. 100% agree. There's no huge deal with meeting the family.. I just think no matter how cool she seems, meeting the fam that early makes it difficult for you guys to have a good non-exclusive non-needy early period before you commit a bit more. Most high-value women need time to decide if you're worth them (and them you) and even though it's worked fine here, some will find it weird/over boyfriendy to meet them so early. You'll push them to an exclusive/girlfriend mindset much sooner is all. But like I say she didn't seem to mind, and it doesn't sound like you're competing with many FWBs in this case so it worked out fine. If there are FWB's around, you're putting a wierd pressure on non-needy girls to give them up, which in my experience is not good because the women who are really open about enjoying/loving sex but who aren't constantly in LTR's generally have FWB's around
HVW_Mark Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 There are people here who won't like this, but, exclusivity is about not being sexual with anyone else while dating a particular person. They may date others up to the point where they decide to be sexual with the next one. Of course, people will abuse this. But this is the reason for not getting sexual with someone too quickly anyway. So bottomline, if you wait a little while before becoming sexual, it should mean that you are pretty sure you don't want to date anyone else either. The problem with this line of thought is you can end up exclusive with someone whom you have ZERO sexual connection with, which is pretty close to the most important thing in attraction/dating/relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend "commitment" comes after exclusivity. You need to be honest and upfront about what exclusivity means to you. If you adopt this model, be clear. If you decide for yourself that exclusivity means boyfriend and girlfriend, then don't become sexual with them quickly. Agree with this 100%
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 100% agree. There's no huge deal with meeting the family.. I just think no matter how cool she seems, meeting the fam that early makes it difficult for you guys to have a good non-exclusive non-needy early period before you commit a bit more. Most high-value women need time to decide if you're worth them (and them you) and even though it's worked fine here, some will find it weird/over boyfriendy to meet them so early. You'll push them to an exclusive/girlfriend mindset much sooner is all. But like I say she didn't seem to mind, and it doesn't sound like you're competing with many FWBs in this case so it worked out fine. If there are FWB's around, you're putting a wierd pressure on non-needy girls to give them up, which in my experience is not good because the women who are really open about enjoying/loving sex but who aren't constantly in LTR's generally have FWB's around Ok now I see where you're coming from. I didn't realize meeting the family was such a big deal to some people and can see what you mean about 'weird/overly boyfriendly'. That didn't even cross my mind since I live at home and hang out with my family quite a lot so I guess I got lucky that it worked out and she didn't seem to mind. On the positive side she'll now feel comfortable coming over to mine because she's been introduced, my family likes her, and we won't have to venture out to meet up since we live an hour apart. I'm pretty certain their are no FWB's by the way she's be acting so I'm not concerned about that at all. Thanks man.
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I'm not trying to be an arse but it seems as if you have some set rules when it comes to dating but in this generation having sex on the first date isn't very unusual. And the reason I introduced her to my family so soon is because I'm more of a family man in general and consider them as friends. I've also clicked extremely quick this girl compared to any previous women and am already thinking of her as a girlfriend after only one week. I guess compared to the norm this is quite unusual in such a short period of time but you also hear stories of people falling in love at first sight so I guess this isn't too unlikely. I'm enjoying the speed of this 'relationship' but was more interested to hear if anyone else had experienced situations like this, she doesn't annoy me with text and they're spread out over hours with no double texting if one of us doesn't reply for a while. These are not about rules, it's about establishing a foundation/basic guidelines for yourself to prevent and minimize being hurt while dating. And, it's more about human nature and managing expectations. Just because it's not unusual for people to have sex on a first date these days, doesn't mean it's healthy or good for developing a relationship, if that's what you want. The truth is, when you get invested in someone so soon without knowing really anything about them and things start coming to light about them that may put you off about them or they get put off, the two parties get hurt more than they need to over something that really never had a chance. There are people who fall in love at first sight, but it's few and far between and oftentimes it's about an "instant relationship" that lacks quality. I have experienced dating men and things have started to move quickly. The initial endorphin high that people experience very early clouds the ability to see the person for who they really are, they overlook things that are or could/be signs that the two of them are not compatible for the long run and when that cloud passes, reality hits them and they break up. A couple may break up anyway, but if they are mature and managing their expectations, the break up will be civil and mutual and not cause significant hurt that will carry over into a new relationship. As for her texting style, it appears on the surface that she is at least a secure, non-clingy woman. However, you've only known her for a short time, you don't know anything about her yet. Don't invest yourself too much. 2
Author Rexxy Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 These are not about rules, it's about establishing a foundation/basic guidelines for yourself to prevent and minimize being hurt while dating. And, it's more about human nature and managing expectations. Just because it's not unusual for people to have sex on a first date these days, doesn't mean it's healthy or good for developing a relationship, if that's what you want. The truth is, when you get invested in someone so soon without knowing really anything about them and things start coming to light about them that may put you off about them or they get put off, the two parties get hurt more than they need to over something that really never had a chance. There are people who fall in love at first sight, but it's few and far between and oftentimes it's about an "instant relationship" that lacks quality. I have experienced dating men and things have started to move quickly. The initial endorphin high that people experience very early clouds the ability to see the person for who they really are, they overlook things that are or could/be signs that the two of them are not compatible for the long run and when that cloud passes, reality hits them and they break up. A couple may break up anyway, but if they are mature and managing their expectations, the break up will be civil and mutual and not cause significant hurt that will carry over into a new relationship. As for her texting style, it appears on the surface that she is at least a secure, non-clingy woman. However, you've only known her for a short time, you don't know anything about her yet. Don't invest yourself too much. Now this makes a lot more sense to me. I can see where your view is coming from. But I can't change the fact that we got physical early on so their is no point in going over that but I see what your trying to say. I suppose in this case only time will tell and I can only hope that it's only a thin layer of fog instead of a heavy cloud that reveals our true compatibility 1
Redhead14 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 The problem with this line of thought is you can end up exclusive with someone whom you have ZERO sexual connection with, which is pretty close to the most important thing in attraction/dating/relationships. Agree with this 100% No, that's not so. Exclusivity is not a binding contract that says you've slept together and must continue to do so even if you're not compatible in bed. It just means that if you've enjoyed that time and will continue that, you won't do it with anyone else unless you find someone else you want to sleep with. This is intended to prevent multiple sexual partners, not to bind a couple together. There will be people who abuse it to get what they want and say they're exclusive when in fact they just want sex. But then again, if you've known them long enough and developed a level of trust, that's shouldn't be a problem. If the sex was so bad that you don't want to see them again, you have to be mature and honest and say it's not going to work for you. Again, this is the reason for not sleeping with someone too early anyway. And, you have to be clear about what it means to you and the other person. If you're sleeping with someone very early, do you want to declare exclusivity as a "committed" relationship and say at that point there's no one else you'd be interested in? You don't know them yet. Furthermore, if you're mature enough and willing to sleep with someone, you should be able to talk about the sexual experience and talk to one another about sexual likes and dislikes. Sex isn't the foundation for a relationship but is an important part of that and should be dealt with on a mutual, mature level like any other aspect. My point is, that if there's something about the sex with a person you don't like or want to have, this is something you can work out and not use that to say that you don't want that whole person. I don't think people should weed out another person based on their sexual experience/prowess, what have you. 1
BluEyeL Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sometimes it works out even if it's moving that fast, but it's more like a lottery, i.e. you're lucky you were compatible. But in my experience, after about 3 months of pure bliss, you start noticing differences between you and your partner and that they don't always do things the way you'd do them, or they have certain ideas/habits/styles you don't quite like etc. Since nobody is perfect, it's about how your imperfections gel together and it's generally at around 6 months that things are either good or it's clear there are issues. Sex early doesn't mean anything either way, but sometimes one of the two gets more attached because of sex (most often the woman) and either has a lower capacity to fully evaluate the said incompatibilities, or is expecting the other person to go forward no matter what (because sex happened). Anyway, sex early induces more potential hurt if things don't work out. If they work out, all great! 1
Ieris Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Some people take it slow, sometimes too slow that the other person loses interest. Some people just get on like a house on fire, if that's how it is then just let it be. Some people feel pressure from this and start to dampen things down or ask to slow down then other person starts to distance themselves. Hmm.. I can't imagine asking "What are we?" all the time, often things just fall into place. Usually before we get intimate and before they meet my friends/family, I ask "What do you want me to introduce you as? My boyfriend or my bitch?" they usually say boyfriend then that's that
HVW_Mark Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 It just means that if you've enjoyed that time and will continue that, you won't do it with anyone else unless you find someone else you want to sleep with. This is intended to prevent multiple sexual partners, not to bind a couple together I just think you're looking at this too one sided. You can't make a blanket statement that "sleeping with someone early doesn't work", When I can show a ton of examples of couples who slept together on the first date or before and worked out just fine. Even in my own life I've had some LTR's who took months of dating, others who slept with me after meeting them at the club. There are no rules, only guidelines, and the highest-value women I know have lives that are kicking ass and aren't concerned with how men judge their sexuality, thus they have FWB's for when they need them, they see if they like a guy in bed, and date him exclusivily eventually if he ticks all the boxes. That's probably the key. Giving up sexual exclusivity is massive for a woman who has every option in the world. The guy has to tick ALL the boxes. This includes sexually, dating wise, personality, Everything.
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I just think you're looking at this too one sided. You can't make a blanket statement that "sleeping with someone early doesn't work", When I can show a ton of examples of couples who slept together on the first date or before and worked out just fine. Even in my own life I've had some LTR's who took months of dating, others who slept with me after meeting them at the club. There are no rules, only guidelines, and the highest-value women I know have lives that are kicking ass and aren't concerned with how men judge their sexuality, thus they have FWB's for when they need them, they see if they like a guy in bed, and date him exclusivily eventually if he ticks all the boxes. That's probably the key. Giving up sexual exclusivity is massive for a woman who has every option in the world. The guy has to tick ALL the boxes. This includes sexually, dating wise, personality, Everything. You're right, it's about guidelines for yourself. No one is really saying that sleeping with some on the first date can't work. All I'm saying is that even if you do, you need to be upfront about your dating goals and objectives right then and there and make sure the other person is on the same page. It is likely that the people who do form relationships even after sleeping with one another on the first date, we mature adults who were able to communicate and be on the same page from the get go. Establishing guidelines for yourself, eliminates the second guessing, the anxieties and gives you a basis for consistency in handling your dating experiences. When people don't communicate effectively or have guidelines, they flip flop between approaches, get confused, anxious, etc. Having a set of guidelines for yourself is all about consistency. Choose a set of ground "rules" for yourself and stick to them. 1
Author Rexxy Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 I'm broken and confused. Previous post for background. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I started dating this girl about a week ago (met her once, a month before at a club) and I feel this like this relationship is in fast forward mode. On the first date I ended up back at hers and slept with her. The second date she came to my house (I live at home) to spend the night with my family and next door neighbors, like a mini party. (Parents and neighbors really liked her). She stayed the night at mine and we had sex twice. The next day we spent it together going to the beach, etc and just hanging out. But during the night whilst intoxicated (I know the truth comes out) when we were lying in bed she asked me "What are we? Dating or exclusive?" and I said dating pretty quick, she then said things like "you know I wouldn't be here if I didn't like you so what do you think of me?" and I kept it simple and said "im enjoying the time im spending with you" We text everyday (not obsessive texting) like sending photos and things, also saying goodnight to each other. I'm never experienced all these things to happen so quickly within a week. I'm used to it been a little bit harder with communication and things. she's a really cool girl but due to a past relationship of mine it can take a bit longer for me to develop trust. So after all this happened she invited me to a BBQ at her place, had heaps of fun and stayed the night then she asked is she could come stay at mine the next day. We both decided that night we would be exclusive with each other (No sex that night because of situation) The next day she came to mine and once again we had heaps of fun, and had sex that night (completely sober). She said I needed to text her in the future and she kept bringing up things about us. The next day everything was normal as usual, cuddling up to each other, holding hands, touching each other, enjoying ourselves. Then it got a bit heated so we started kissing each other in bed and was about to have sex (her top was off etc) and as soon as i started feeling down her legs she said "im too nervous, not really comfortable" I said "ok, thats fine im not going to pressure you into anything". We had a conversation during that and she said that everything is happening to quick since she got out of a relationship 4 months ago and she needs to focus on her self, that we had sex too soon, and having too many deep conversations with each other. Then she said she doesn't wan't to end been exclusive but thinks she should. Basically she ended been exclusive after one night but she really wasn't clear on what she wanted at all. Straight after that conversation she packed her stuff and left, both confused and awkward. I really need some advice
Recommended Posts