dwarf Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) I need some advice for my situation as well. MY boyfriend and i have been dating for 3.5 years. Initially at the beginning of the relationship he broke up with me after 3 months because he was terrified about commitment and whether i was the right person to date. Then i didnt talk to him ( as per protocol) and he contacted me and apologized and realized he had made a mistake. Fastforward through 3.5 years of an amazing normal relationship he tells me one night that he was freaking out because he thought he was falling out of love with me. I remained calm ( i went through this same situation last summer where i thought i was falling out of love when it turned out i was just moving on to the next stage of my relationship to the comfort stage.) and i said "does that mean we're breaking up?" he was hysterical and bawling so hard and said he didnt know what he wanted but he just wanted some tme to think but not break up. A week passes and we dont talk, finally he talks to me on the weekend and tells me that he wants to make it work and try at least. He said when he saw me in the door he felt this relief that he knew it was the right decision. Then a couple days pass and hes freaking out again and doubting things but reassures me he wants to try and that the bad days may come but with time they'll be less and less. I support him in this for 3 months...of not that much affection from him and us living together and trying to be normal. He kept reassuring me along the way that he was making progress...but only when i would ask him about it. I asked him one day a couple weeks ago if he was in love with me...or recognized that he was. He said he was. Here i was jumping for joy that we had overcome what i had to overcome myself last summer....nope i was wrong. Last night i was talking to him about what he wants and why he wasnt being affectionate ( it was on my list of things i wanted him to do to fix the relationship) and he said that he had to be honest he was in the same place he was 3 months ago...still confused on whether hes in love with me. When i asked him what did being in love with someone mean to him? he said that feeling you get ( i assume he means that over the top non comfort feeling because that was why i panicked last summer...we had lost that butterfly feeling). So i know hes being...a little silly with this. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no he wasnt sure and he hadnt made a decision yet. I pry more and he admits that he was leaning towards breaking up because he just thinks trying isnt working ( he barely tried and didnt see anyone for his potential life crisis issue...see hes 28 and about this time is when you figure your life out). And so he goes on about how he doesnt know what he wants and that he'll go see someone...but when i ask if he wants to try still he says hes leaning towards no...but wants to see someone still to make sure hes making the right decision? Anyway his points were that the relationship felt more comfortable and like best friends than a relationship and sometimes he felt affectionate and other times not...but rather he felt indifferent. So it was 3 am at this point and he asks me if we can go to sleep because he didnt want to talk anymore and he felt like we were getting no where. So he says i can sleep on the couch...and you can have the bed. And i said what do YOU want? and he said i wants us to sleep like we normally do...together. And so we went to bed ( i made a point to change in the bathroom in my pjs) and he started cuddling me and crying. And after that he started kissing me and slept with me ( i know it was a bad decision) and then he didnt say i love you ( we always say i love you after) and i called him on it and he said "you know i do love you" and that was it. i dont want to break up with him because he needs to face his choice and consequences and break up with me because he doesnt know what he wants. At the same time i really want us to fix it and i know thats only possible if we break up and he takes time to himself of me not talking to him to reflect on what he wants. Do you think theres a chance hes freaking out because hes approaching the age that he should have his things figured out and get married and he feels he hasnt accomplished everything Edited January 14, 2015 by dwarf
ed-in-the-clouds Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I would essentially agree with your final statement. Maybe he cant love himself at the moment so he is finding it hard to love you, he wants better for himself and hasn't achieved it, you in turn are being brought down with him. However, i believe he is just messing you around until something "better" comes along. Ive seen alot of friends do this to their then girlfriends and it always ended with them cheating continuously and traying to "have their cake and eat it". Ultimately, their relationships all ended terribly with alot of hurt and despair. Talk to him as an adult that he should be now, and childish games will not make anything better so try to avoid silly arguments and awkward silences. If he truly loves you he will work his ass off to make sure you know that!
Author dwarf Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 i understand that, and it is a possibility that that might be the case. From knowing him i believe it is more of him not knowing what he wants life wise and wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Hes a musician ( as a hobby) and i think he holds a lot of resentment that he never gets to travel on a whim ( one of the points he made when we talked) etc. But i never stopped him from any of that, i believe he is scapegoating his issues with himself on us thinking it will fix it if he ends it and then he is free to do all these life adventures he wanted...well unfortunately it isnt me thats stopping him nor have i ever... he just lacks motivation to do so. So in the end...i am wondering do you think after NC for a month he will realize it isnt us its more his own thing? or will it take longer?
Author dwarf Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 As well, the fact that this is eating him up so much is confusing me. If you know you are leaning towards breaking up then just do it? I dont understand why you would want to torment yourself further?
CripplingMe Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 your boyfriend sounds exactly like mine, going through a quarter life crisis and doesn't know what he wants out of life or where it's going (identity issues etc). Seems to me he can't make final decisions and that perhaps he is wanting for you to make them for him. I do agree with the idea that he probably doesn't love himself or have good self esteem, so, how can he make you happy if he isnt happy himself? My ex is wanting space at the moment, well, I it is a break up but under the guise of him 'sorting himself out' as he is incredibly unhappy with his life. Needless to say i'm broken, but what can i do? Have you got the strength to walk away and give him space? Have a break? If you are strong enough in yourself to do that, and make that choice, I believe it will do him good and likely chance will benefit the relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years so it's same duration as you.
Author dwarf Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) your boyfriend sounds exactly like mine, going through a quarter life crisis and doesn't know what he wants out of life or where it's going (identity issues etc). Seems to me he can't make final decisions and that perhaps he is wanting for you to make them for him. I do agree with the idea that he probably doesn't love himself or have good self esteem, so, how can he make you happy if he isnt happy himself? My ex is wanting space at the moment, well, I it is a break up but under the guise of him 'sorting himself out' as he is incredibly unhappy with his life. Needless to say i'm broken, but what can i do? Have you got the strength to walk away and give him space? Have a break? If you are strong enough in yourself to do that, and make that choice, I believe it will do him good and likely chance will benefit the relationship. I was with my ex for 4 years so it's same duration as you. Precisely this, he is most certaintly going through a quarter life crisis that i think may be jolted into reality when i cut off contact. currently he thinks i will wait for him and do anything to be with him. I will never let him think that when we break up and so he will be forced to figure himself out and accept what he is losing. Also my bf wanted that break too but we werent broken up..he just wanted space but clarified we were NOT broken up ( he has this idea the second im on the market someone will snatch me up so selfishly he is protecting his chances by stringing me along) and i gave him the space and time, i didnt contact him at all...and when he did talk to me he told me he HAD decided to try and was committed to trying...well the trying involved him fixing his happiness too and putting effort in the relationship not just thinking romance happens on its own... so in the end here we are...he barely tried and we're back at square one. Now i have to move all my things out (i have never had to do this before and it sounds like the most terrible and so i am not looking forward to the emotional backlash this has on me) when we break up. Edited January 14, 2015 by dwarf
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I went through something similar with my now-ex. He started to have doubts after several years together, including a few years of living together. I too chalked it up to a life crisis, as he was precisely the same age as your boyfriend is now. He wanted to split up, then changed his mind. Then three months later we were back to square one: it was over. He had fallen out of love but didn't want to hurt me. He felt like a jerk for hurting me and breaking up a long relationship in which we'd had high hopes. But eventually I realized I couldn't force him to feel something he simply wasn't. Truth be told, I'd probably fallen out of love by that point too but wasn't ready to pull the plug and still wanted to try. He didn't. I hate to be the wet rag, and it doesn't always end the way mine did, but I would start mentally preparing for a split. It sounds like he's checked out but doesn't want to hurt you.
Author dwarf Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I went through something similar with my now-ex. He started to have doubts after several years together, including a few years of living together. I too chalked it up to a life crisis, as he was precisely the same age as your boyfriend is now. He wanted to split up, then changed his mind. Then three months later we were back to square one: it was over. He had fallen out of love but didn't want to hurt me. He felt like a jerk for hurting me and breaking up a long relationship in which we'd had high hopes. But eventually I realized I couldn't force him to feel something he simply wasn't. Truth be told, I'd probably fallen out of love by that point too but wasn't ready to pull the plug and still wanted to try. He didn't. I hate to be the wet rag, and it doesn't always end the way mine did, but I would start mentally preparing for a split. It sounds like he's checked out but doesn't want to hurt you. The thing is i am prepared for it, in fact last night when this talk happened i was the one that said " so we are breaking up" several times and was calm and rational because i dont like to be strung along. I dont know if it is the same or not, i just know how i am and am willing to allow 2 months ( without him knowing it of course) for him to realize and work through it. If it is the case that it doesnt work out, i gave myself 2 months to slowly start getting over him already so im in a win win. I just know i wont be contacting him, and im pretty stern about that. Last time i did this no contact it was hard but i did it and he was extremely confused then too on what he wanted. The time apart and realizing i wasnt waiting for him made him figure out his stuff pretty quick. I have also decided i am not going to take him back right away at all, rather im going to tell him to take a couple more weeks or a week to know if thats what he wants and that i need time to think as well about it. Then i will decide based on the situation. I want him to actually take time to think this through and figure his stuff out without jumping back to me based on impulse...as hard as that will be for me. If im truly worth it to him, telling him to take more weeks to think will only solidify his decision...and if it pushes me away from him and he decides otherwise well then i avoided a bad breakup repeat.
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