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I'm scared for myself right now, I really am...


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Posted

I suppose I just want to 'get it out there' really. I've spent a number of days reading posts on this forum for hours - just for comfort or reassurance purposes. I am literally crippled inside. There is a 24/7 feeling of sickness and I am constantly doing things, reading, listening to ANYTHING, just so I can avoid my worst enemy (silence). How I feel now is like im standing on the edge of a cliff and 'nearly' falling - that, adrenaline/fear/sickness all in one.

 

The pain is just making me feel physically sick and i'm so so scared of having a break down. Here is a summary of me, followed by my circumstances:

 

  • I'm 34 and female
  • Lived in houseshares most of my life aside from 3 year stint with an ex
  • 3 serious relationships in my life (aged 16 for 2 years, aged 22 for 9 years and most recently, aged 30 for 4 years)
  • Graduated as mature uni student in 2013, secured a job i loved but then was 'let go' after 10 months last June 2014 - this ripped my self-esteem & confidence apart
  • During the same week i was let go from my last job, i was also evicted from the houseshare i was living in
  • Been unemployed since June 2014 aside from a 3 week job stint
  • Have two close friends - one who is 22 and the other is 39 and married
  • Don't speak to family (parents divorced when i was 8)
     
     
    Break-up situation:
     
  • He - 27
  • Having a quarter life crisis (started uni sept 2014 and realised he chose wrong degree and is quitting)
  • Tumultous recent 4 year's (in and out of retail jobs)
  • He trained as a professional dancer throughout his childhood/teens and was pushed into it by his family
  • Always struggled with not knowing what he wants to do in life
  • Currently starting anti-depressants
  • Living in student halls and spends all day and night on his own playing computer games
  • His father passed away suddenly 1 year before i met him
  • Mostly long distance relationship - frequently visited him. Worked well and both independant
  • 4 weeks before christmas he starts being fickle with communication
  • Says he's deeply unhappy, doesn't know what he wants out of life, and feels guilty/miserable for having chose wrong degree
  • Spent christmas with him and his family (as I always have done - very close to them).
  • 3 days after christmas, we were in a cafe and i just had nothing to say (think i was so unhappy that since i arrived in his home town to see him, he'd done nothing but play computer games and i felt neglected).
  • He wasn't impressed i had nothing to say - I ended up getting upset and said 'maybe we should split up then'
  • For weeks he'd been emotionally distant and he said he was just really unhappy with his life/no sense of direction because he chose wrong degree.
  • Somehow ended up 'broke up' - then there was some understanding it was a 'break'.
  • Spent another week with him after 'splitting up/agreeing break'

 

He dropped me off in my home town last wednesday and said he felt sick leaving me. Said he just needed time to sort his head out because he is desperately unhappy with the lack of direction in his life. There was talk him going travelling for 3 months to clear his head/re-evaluate (paid for by what he hopes will be the last bursary from the uni even though he hasn't been attending lectures/exams for nearly 3 months).

 

He said I could text/call him anytime and wanted to stay friends (NO CAN DO from my side). Couldnt handle the 'keeping in contact via text' business because the pain of waiting for his text was horrendous and torturous (i'm sure some can resonate). Breadcrumbs I believe people call it. Well, breadcrumbs were making me feel physically ill.

 

I was feeling miserable at home and being unemployed anyway so this just made me feel worthless, physically ill, depressed, suicidle (just ideation). My room is a single room - barely fits a single bed and wardrobe. I felt ill at the thought of being there (knowing he had been in my bed). I had no where else to go so i made the embarrassing and most irrational mistake of getting a train to where he lived to see him/ask if i could stay for two nights just until my friend could put me up (my married friend). I felt so so embarrassed, helpless, desperate, physically ill.

 

He wasn't happy i turned up because he said he was kind of making progress with starting his anti-depressants, sorting out uni situation etc. Such a massive mistake on my part i know - i was just desperate. He was my best friend who i had spoken/text every day for 4 years, lived with every summer for 3 years (whilst i was at uni, i spent every summer with him living at his mum's and him also). He was honestly not just a boyfriend, but a significant part of my life in terms of a friendship.

 

I wanted to stay with him in his room for a couple of nights but he couldn't do it - you could see he felt stressed. He ended up phoning his mum in the end and she said i was more than welcome to stay there insteading heading back home in the middle of the night. I felt so embarrassed at the thought of staying with his mum but he was adamant I should do it and said she doesn't honestly mind. He drove me to his mums and I am not kidding - i was like a zombie in the car. I didn't want to go into his mums house - i felt and looked like a wreck. The shock, sickness and embarrassment was over whelming. We sat in the car for 10 mins before I went into his mums. He said he just needed to sort his head out as he's such a mess and he can't be the boyfriend I want him to be because he has no confidence nor self-esteem within himself.

 

I apologised to his mum profusely whilst crying. Boyfriend left looking guilty and deeply sorry for me.

 

For the two nights I stayed at his mum's, I was constantly either watching something (repeat epsides of something ive already seen a million times because it's comforting to me: weird i know), surfing the net for hours and hours, smoking a ridiculous amount of cigarettes (keeps me busy/occupied), walking for miles, sitting in a cafe for hours, surfing the net on my phone for hours. Seriously - I am so scared of silence or standing still for fear of having a break down. Sleep - what's that? If I do, it's probably for 30 mins (because my body is so desperate) but then I wake up again. This happens every nights. Food? I've lost 1 stone in the last week through not eating and stress. I also hugged the family dog all weekend (I adored their dog - what with having lost my own dog after 20 year's). I felt great comfort when holding her because my ex/boyfriend also adores her (he's had her since he was 10).

 

Leaving his mum's/home town to head back home was just crippling. I had spent SO much time with so many memories with his family/him over the last 4 year's that it was painful to leave. I was like a zombie. I couldn't even say goodbye to his mum so left before she returned from the shops. I couldn't even say goodbye to the dog for fear of just breaking down. I did text her to explain and she was fine about it.

 

I feel so embarrassed for doing that - it made me look desperate but i was. With no where else to stay, a pityful single room which made me feel ill to be in and, a longing for my best friend/boyfriend, I made a desperate call by getting a train upto his home town. Desperate times call for desperate measures and it was a very very desperate time for me.

 

My friend (who is married), said I could stay with her for as long as i want because she knows what i have been through the last year (losing my job through no fault of my own, getting evicted and now this). I have lived with them briefly before and they are incredibly supportive,caring and don't mind me living with them because I respect their privacy. So, it's been 5 days (jeez, feels like 5 weeks) since I last saw/heard from him (when he dropped me off at his mums).

 

I have been a nervous reck. Constantly using public transport to get me to places (my friend lives 20 miles away from my actual house), sitting in cafe's for hours, walking around on my own. I have met up with my 22 year old friend (they're a teacher) for coffee pretty much every day. But that is for like an hour at a time. I coudn't even eat half of the pub lunch they bought me because i felt physically sick.

 

I really am in a dark, desperately lonely, sick, deeply depressive state.

 

Last night at 2:30am I received a text from him after 5 days no contact. It was hard for me not to contact him - this was a man who i was in contact with every day for year's as my best friend/boyfriend/closest friend.

 

What did the text say? I don't know. I saw the first line of it when it flashed on my iphone. Something along the lines of 'Was going to send you an email but thought i'd send it in a text instead. Felt compelled to...'. I had already deleted his numbers off my phone (I don't know them off by heart), but knew it would be no-one else at that time.

 

It is sitting there in my inbox unread. I just can't read it as much as i am desperate to. Why? I just know i will be physically sick if he says something I don't want to read. I am teetering on the edge of a break-down and im so scared that text will just knock me over the edge.

 

As an unemployed, 34 year old woman, who has a single room in a houseshare, who lost a job she adored last year, and, resides in a city where the job market is dire, I feel so desperately unhappy.

 

A friend suggested I go abroad to Thailand and teach. I have a little bit of savings but I would have to find a job for at least a month to top up the money to make it viable. Having graduated recently, it appears that it should be no problem to teach abroad being a UK national with a recent degree (in Business). I don't know. I know part of me thinks it is running away, but I don't see what other option i have??? No family I speak to, 2 friends (who have their own lives to get on with), no job, dire city job market. I don't know.... I was thinking of maybe moving city, but again, it's just so over whelming................

 

I'm sorry for the lengthy post, I just feel so desperately unhappy and ill...

Posted

Well, you have to look at it this way. You're at the bottom. Can't go any lower. So, guess what? There's only one way to go and that's up!

 

 

You have to find the motivation to pick yourself up! No one else can do that except you! Do whatever it takes, get angry! Prove to the world that you are down, but you are definitely not out! You need to sit and make long term and short term goals. Then set out to achieve them!

 

 

Your first priority is to find a job. That should be your full time job. To land a job. ANY job. Talk to an employment agency, see what they can do for you. And sometimes you may have to take A job before you get THE job that you want. First thing you need to do is get the money coming in.

 

 

I would do the teaching abroad as a last resort. I know an English girl that is teaching in Hong Kong. Even though she enjoys the experience, they don't pay well at all. Her flat is literally the size of a closet and after she pays the bills, she really doesn't have any money to put away or to enjoy herself with. So, you'll pretty much come back with nothing saved.

 

 

You need to start exercising. That is going to burn off a lot of stress and frustrations you're having. It will help clear your head. Trust me on this one.

 

 

Write down those goals and achieve them one at a time. If your Ex doesn't want to be with you, well then screw him! You need to be looking out for number one (yourself!). Promise me you'll achieve one goal and I promise you, you'll feel good about it.

 

 

Then, you'll be a strong and independent woman with a good job, in a flat that's in a great neighborhood and saving money to go on holidays and having adventures for yourself. You need to find that girl inside you! She's there, you just have to agree to let her out!

 

 

It does get better and we can give you the tools to achieve your goals, but you have to do them and then we can celebrate your achievements.

  • Like 7
  • Author
Posted
Well, you have to look at it this way. You're at the bottom. Can't go any lower. So, guess what? There's only one way to go and that's up!

 

 

You have to find the motivation to pick yourself up! No one else can do that except you! Do whatever it takes, get angry! Prove to the world that you are down, but you are definitely not out! You need to sit and make long term and short term goals. Then set out to achieve them!

 

 

Your first priority is to find a job. That should be your full time job. To land a job. ANY job. Talk to an employment agency, see what they can do for you. And sometimes you may have to take A job before you get THE job that you want. First thing you need to do is get the money coming in.

 

 

I would do the teaching abroad as a last resort. I know an English girl that is teaching in Hong Kong. Even though she enjoys the experience, they don't pay well at all. Her flat is literally the size of a closet and after she pays the bills, she really doesn't have any money to put away or to enjoy herself with. So, you'll pretty much come back with nothing saved.

 

 

You need to start exercising. That is going to burn off a lot of stress and frustrations you're having. It will help clear your head. Trust me on this one.

 

 

Write down those goals and achieve them one at a time. If your Ex doesn't want to be with you, well then screw him! You need to be looking out for number one (yourself!). Promise me you'll achieve one goal and I promise you, you'll feel good about it.

 

 

Then, you'll be a strong and independent woman with a good job, in a flat that's in a great neighborhood and saving money to go on holidays and having adventures for yourself. You need to find that girl inside you! She's there, you just have to agree to let her out!

 

 

It does get better and we can give you the tools to achieve your goals, but you have to do them and then we can celebrate your achievements.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate it enormously

 

The job issues, yes, I am trying with all my will to make sure this is a priority. I am registered with several agencies already but there is nothing for me. I am registering with another agency tomorrow I am hoping to god will prove positive.

 

As for goals. I genuinely can only make short term ones because I find it so overwhelming even thinking that far into the future. I am trying to concentrate on finding work for at least two months to give me additional funds. From there, it's either Thailand or move city because I just can't stay where I am. It's unhealthy for me to be here and too many memories.

 

People say you should cry to get it out of your system, but for me that is emotionally dangerous for me (not meaning to sound melodramatic). That will break me and I won't be able to do anything.

 

I've already give notice on my room where I live as I can't bare to stay there anymore. I am also selling stuff online to create additional funds and just get rid of heavy stuff I am tired of moving.

 

I've heard exercising is good for you psychologically, but I'm not in a position to be signing upto any contracts, and as for running, maybe...although id have to listen to music I suppose to distract me from thinking.

 

I'd rather I wasn't alive to be frank with you. What sort of life is it if 'happiness' is just a fleeting state of mind and life is just constant striving for achievement (relationship satisfaction, career, home life, friendships, health, etc).

 

Im so sorry..... I really am sorry for feeling the way I am, im just really unwell.

Posted

Hey, we all hit a rut. This is just yours. And you need to stop this talk about not being alive. NO GUY IS WORTH ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER! If you really feel that bad, you need to get to a hospital and talk to someone. You sound like you need to be on some anti-depressants. And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with taking some medicine to get you through the hard times.

 

 

Talk to the agencies. These agencies are probably looking for something that matches your degree, tell them you'll take anything.

 

 

You got to start fighting, girl. This isn't the end of the world. You hit a road bump. Envision what you want and go get it. If you want it bad enough, you'll get it.

 

 

And don't worry about your Ex or dating other guys or whatever. That will come in time. You need to start loving YOU right now. Because if you can't love yourself, how do you expect other people to love you?

 

 

There's a guy out there for you. And he's going to be perfect for you in every way. And here's the kicker. He's looking for you right now. He just hasn't found you yet. And you're never going to find him unless you pick yourself up and start living in the world again!

 

 

You can do this.

  • Like 2
Posted

I am very sorry to read about the pain you are experiencing. My heart really does go out to you! I can understand that you are feeling heavy with all that has gone on in your life.

 

My first advice is that you seek help. From what I am reading you are very fragile right now. You feel alone and isolated but there is help out there. Contact your GP tomorrow and talk to him/her about your situation. Get a referral to see a therapist. You write that crying will break you but perhaps that is what you need to truly move on in your life. Bottling it all up will only delay a reaction that will most probably come at some point? That´s why I´m suggesting that you get professional help so that someone is there with you during the process.

 

You have a lot going for you you know. I know that you might not see that because things are dark and heavy. You have a degree in business and although you are unemployed right now, you won´t be forever. Despite the tough situation you are in, you seem like a resourceful person.

 

As far as the situation with your boyfriend goes, perhaps you both need a break to truly find yourselves. Your boyfriend seems confused about a lot of things and if I may be honest, so do you. I´m a strong believer that the only way you can be truly happy in a relationship is that you feel safe and secure in your own skin. If life has taught me one thing it is that you can never be happy in a relationship if you aren´t happy with yourself. I think you need to look within. Truly appreciate yourself and all that you have accomplished (which is a lot)

 

What is it you are most scared of? Is it losing your boyfriend because he is your true love and soulmate, or might it be that you are scared of being alone?

 

A lot of questions on my part but reading your post takes me back a few years in my own life. At a time in when I felt so vulnerable and dependent on my then boyfriend. I realised that I was more scared of being alone. No matter how many friends or boyfriends you have, you can still feel alone. No one else can fill that void. It´s a void you need to work on that´s in your soul and heart. Keeping it all locked up might make you feel even more lonely? My troubles were at a time in my life when I had experienced some losses (deaths) in my family, my father was very ill etc etc.

 

Things are probably very overwhelming for you right now but you can overcome all of this. You have so much going for you and maybe Thailand is the answer? See it as a spiritual journey where you can meet new people and a new culture. Thai food is lovely and so are the people. Buddhism is very interesting and there are a lot of them in Thailand :-)

 

It might sound like a cliche but this could be the first day of the rest of your life!!

 

I wish you all the best and lots of happiness!!

Posted

You need to focus on yourself, get a Job, eat well, I know its difficult, but you need find a motivation to get up again, reclaim your life. You need to cut this guy from your life, less stress.

 

Work on yourself, you can't expect other people to love you unless you love yourself.

 

Think of your friends who are very supportive of you, they want you to get better, Life is a bit of a struggle, Long walks only makes you think, but if you do, don't dwindle in the past, think of your goals of moving ahead.

 

Plan, I know it takes time and you want changes right now, but things just won't fall into place overnight, patience, and above all, Love yourself.

 

Things are going to get better, its a self journey to find yourself, the joys of being you, find your strength.

 

The worst times brings out the Best in Us.....

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I am very sorry to read about the pain you are experiencing. My heart really does go out to you! I can understand that you are feeling heavy with all that has gone on in your life.

 

My first advice is that you seek help. From what I am reading you are very fragile right now. You feel alone and isolated but there is help out there. Contact your GP tomorrow and talk to him/her about your situation. Get a referral to see a therapist. You write that crying will break you but perhaps that is what you need to truly move on in your life. Bottling it all up will only delay a reaction that will most probably come at some point? That´s why I´m suggesting that you get professional help so that someone is there with you during the process.

 

You have a lot going for you you know. I know that you might not see that because things are dark and heavy. You have a degree in business and although you are unemployed right now, you won´t be forever. Despite the tough situation you are in, you seem like a resourceful person.

 

As far as the situation with your boyfriend goes, perhaps you both need a break to truly find yourselves. Your boyfriend seems confused about a lot of things and if I may be honest, so do you. I´m a strong believer that the only way you can be truly happy in a relationship is that you feel safe and secure in your own skin. If life has taught me one thing it is that you can never be happy in a relationship if you aren´t happy with yourself. I think you need to look within. Truly appreciate yourself and all that you have accomplished (which is a lot)

 

What is it you are most scared of? Is it losing your boyfriend because he is your true love and soulmate, or might it be that you are scared of being alone?

 

A lot of questions on my part but reading your post takes me back a few years in my own life. At a time in when I felt so vulnerable and dependent on my then boyfriend. I realised that I was more scared of being alone. No matter how many friends or boyfriends you have, you can still feel alone. No one else can fill that void. It´s a void you need to work on that´s in your soul and heart. Keeping it all locked up might make you feel even more lonely? My troubles were at a time in my life when I had experienced some losses (deaths) in my family, my father was very ill etc etc.

 

Things are probably very overwhelming for you right now but you can overcome all of this. You have so much going for you and maybe Thailand is the answer? See it as a spiritual journey where you can meet new people and a new culture. Thai food is lovely and so are the people. Buddhism is very interesting and there are a lot of them in Thailand :-)

 

It might sound like a cliche but this could be the first day of the rest of your life!!

 

I wish you all the best and lots of happiness!!

 

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Concerning the therapist, Im not a huge advocate of therapy, only because I know it's just their job and being paid to do it. Moreover, I know all about my childhood and subsequent impact on my emotional disposition. I read an awful lot of literature on stuff like that, so feel in a sense its fruitless. The only reason i would want to contact the GP would be for medication, but ive been advised not to seek SSRI because of the side effects. Yet, i desperately need something to regulate my emotions..... Surely not all SSRI's are the same??

 

What am i most scared of? Not having him in my life at all. Over the years I have emotionally invested heavily into friendships and relationships and perhaps maybe overtly so, to the point that when the said relationships break down or retreat, i feel massively rejected and betrayed because i assumed i was a genuinely loving, supportive and fun person to have in their lives. This is hitting me very badly because i've been rejected so many times in the last 12 months (lost job, they didn't want me in the role anymore despite me working overtime for free - voluntarily - going above and beyond what the role required), then, i lost a best friend (I got her a job in the place where I lost my own job, and a couple of weeks after losing said job, she just dissapeared and didnt bother with me anymore). Then during the same week i lost my job, my landlady evicted me (i was a lodger), even though i was like a mouse and respected her privacy all the time.

 

I feel physically sick.

  • Author
Posted

Just to add on the being alone issue, possibly this maybe the case. I feel i need people in my life whom i care about so much to validate my existance. Feeling alone is not an option for me because life is about being social, being with others, we are social creatures. Relationships are the foundation of people's lives.

Posted
Just to add on the being alone issue, possibly this maybe the case. I feel i need people in my life whom i care about so much to validate my existance. Feeling alone is not an option for me because life is about being social, being with others, we are social creatures. Relationships are the foundation of people's lives.

 

IMO you need validation from yourself. Yes, we are social creatures but at the end of the day the one who would stay no matter what.. is... Ourselves..

 

I know it's really hard right now to hear or process the advice given by people. But, you have tobe completely happy with yourself before you can be ready to share your life with a partner. The saying, love yourself before you can love others is true.

 

Don't lose hope, just keep on going and when you stumble, dust yourself and stand up. The key is don't give up, never ever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

In this critical time, look after yourself. Love yourself first and foremost.

 

Stay strong we're pulling for you.

Posted
Just to add on the being alone issue, possibly this maybe the case. I feel i need people in my life whom i care about so much to validate my existance. Feeling alone is not an option for me because life is about being social, being with others, we are social creatures. Relationships are the foundation of people's lives.

 

I sure know how you feel, I am an introvert yet I seek company and love, things happen for a reason, I know its a struggle for you, but being here posting is already a positive attitude, we share our experience and heartbreaks and help carry each other to a long road of recovery, one day we will look back on all of this and see how far we have gone and smile.

 

Don't feel alone as there are others like you, like me, struggling, here at LS we can find comforting words and inspiring stories, proof that it does get better in the end.

Posted

Wow. I've never heard someone say that crying is dangerous. It is a God given bodily function that serves an awesome purpose. I find it comforting and healing.

 

Hope all goes well for you.

Posted

Please dont despair, Ive been recently in house share, i changed jobs and have very little money now, on top of that I met a girl and everything was looking great, but like you its all gone downhill, I hit the bottom and the only way is up now.

 

Hang on in, very soon you will get a break and things will turn for you.

Posted
Just to add on the being alone issue, possibly this maybe the case. I feel i need people in my life whom i care about so much to validate my existance. Feeling alone is not an option for me because life is about being social, being with others, we are social creatures. Relationships are the foundation of people's lives.

 

I want to start by saying how sorry I am for your pain and heartache. I understand and can relate to how you are feeling because I went through it myself five years ago. My pain was the result, however, of the loss of my 17 year marriage. Breaking up is hard - I understand that - and I completely agree with some of the premise of your quote, "relationships are the foundation of people's lives." The issue with relationships, however, is the fact that they require at least two willing participants. There are a lot of layers to what you have written and the pain and agony that you are feeling has multiple sources. I am not a professional counselor but using your money to get some help in that regard would do more to bring healing then to fly off to Thailand. I just want you to know that life will get better - there is great hope for happiness. Finding it in the right source is essential. You will never find it by being with a man who isn't sure that he wants to be with you. You deserve better - you really do.

 

My ultimate healing came from a renewed relationship with God. I know that this isn't a religious post and I am not trying to convert anyone but finding a solid foundation to build your life on makes all the difference. According to His promise, He will never leave or forsake you. If you want more information send me a private message, otherwise, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings!

Posted
Hello, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

Concerning the therapist, Im not a huge advocate of therapy, only because I know it's just their job and being paid to do it. Moreover, I know all about my childhood and subsequent impact on my emotional disposition. I read an awful lot of literature on stuff like that, so feel in a sense its fruitless. The only reason i would want to contact the GP would be for medication, but ive been advised not to seek SSRI because of the side effects. Yet, i desperately need something to regulate my emotions..... Surely not all SSRI's are the same??

 

What am i most scared of? Not having him in my life at all. Over the years I have emotionally invested heavily into friendships and relationships and perhaps maybe overtly so, to the point that when the said relationships break down or retreat, i feel massively rejected and betrayed because i assumed i was a genuinely loving, supportive and fun person to have in their lives. This is hitting me very badly because i've been rejected so many times in the last 12 months (lost job, they didn't want me in the role anymore despite me working overtime for free - voluntarily - going above and beyond what the role required), then, i lost a best friend (I got her a job in the place where I lost my own job, and a couple of weeks after losing said job, she just dissapeared and didnt bother with me anymore). Then during the same week i lost my job, my landlady evicted me (i was a lodger), even though i was like a mouse and respected her privacy all the time.

 

I feel physically sick.

 

I understand where you are coming from in regards to therapy. There are always other options. Gestalt therapy is a form of counselling where you aren´t delving into the past but developing the present. Then there´s mindfulness! I probably sound like a huge fan of therapy but I´m a social worker and I´ve seen how people can benefit from it.

 

You have really been put through the grinder and all I can say is that you know yourself best. If there´s any consolation in this, you are not alone. We all go through the same kind of issues. Relationship problems, end of friendships, losing jobs and homes. You seem to have been given the challenge of dealing with these issues in a very short time and I can understand how this is wearing you out.

 

Really wish I could give you the answers and take the pain away. There´s always the option to come here on LS and communicate with others. Haven´t posted much here but I have been reading and lurking for a long time. Some very nice people here.

 

Hang in there. You will make it through this but the journey might be a bit bumpy.

Posted

Oh, and about the SSRI. I am slightly weary of it. IF you were to take them, then I would insist on being monitored properly. Blood tests, regular check ups and consultations with a GP / psychologist. SSRI can make you very "flat" and indifferent. Have to stress that I am not a doctor so this is something that you need to think about, if your doctor was to suggest that type of medication.

 

As I wrote before. You are unfortunately going through a lot of things at the same time so you are most probably physically and mentally drained. Focus your energy on being healthy, getting sleep, exercise etc etc etc. Easy for others to say but you need to look out for number one.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

After complete no contact from me for two weeks, I had several missed calls earlier, plus two from his mum. Two text messages read 'please call me asap its really important'. Seeing as his mum called too, I thought someone had died.

 

I rang him.

 

He was sitting outside of my house (I have been staying at my friends the last 2 weeks, 20 miles away).

 

'I made a massive mistake, im so sorry, I want you back'.

 

He had driven 200 miles to tell me that.

 

His mum eventually text me and said she was glad he went to see me and will support us both.

 

S**t, what do i do?

Posted

Do you want him back?

 

The answer to that question will really help answer the question of what to do.

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Posted

Yes I do, but obvously.....I'm scared sh**tless of taking that risk.

 

I've read hundreds of threads on this forum the last two weeks about no contact, power balances, healing, time, hope - you name, ive read it. The general consensus was 'unless he says outright to your face - i want you back - then don't even contemplate it'.

 

Conversely, im angry.

 

He wants me to move in with him.

Posted

To be honest, if I were in your shoes I don't think I'd be so quick to take him back.

 

There's a usual cycle that happens with dumpers. They are ultimately unhappy, in general, in their relationship, and it causes them to end a relationship.

 

It's usually at the 2 week point, where the dumper will start to question whether or not they made the right decision. Going NC is like cutting off smoking cold turkey. Not many people can do it, and it is painful, even IF the person doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

 

The relationship was a source of comfort and familiarity, and it's very easy for someone to crawl right back in a matter of days (14) and think they made the wrong decision. A lot of times when people run back at this point, it's not because they've had some life altering awakening. It's because they miss what was comfortable and familiar and all of sudden the relationship doesn't look so bad to them anymore.

 

I wouldn't want someone running back to me in such a short period of time. I would want them to confront their issues, work out why they were so unhappy, get their life back on track, figure out the career situation, and anything else that was contributing to the failing relationship. None of this has happened in 14 days. The same problems, issues, conflicts, arguments... they are right where they were left.

 

On top of all THOSE issues, now you have the issue of trying to rebuild a relationship that has crumbled and is now on shaky ground. You guys can't just fall back into what you had. You are not going to feel entirely comfortable and secure with him and it's going to take a bit of adjustment.

 

His lack of direction in life, the antidepressants, the general unhappiness with everything is worrisome. He really needs to fix himself before he tries to be in an emotionally healthy, stable, and successful relationship. Unless he does that, the relationship will just crumble again.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
To be honest, if I were in your shoes I don't think I'd be so quick to take him back.

 

There's a usual cycle that happens with dumpers. They are ultimately unhappy, in general, in their relationship, and it causes them to end a relationship.

 

It's usually at the 2 week point, where the dumper will start to question whether or not they made the right decision. Going NC is like cutting off smoking cold turkey. Not many people can do it, and it is painful, even IF the person doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

 

The relationship was a source of comfort and familiarity, and it's very easy for someone to crawl right back in a matter of days (14) and think they made the wrong decision. A lot of times when people run back at this point, it's not because they've had some life altering awakening. It's because they miss what was comfortable and familiar and all of sudden the relationship doesn't look so bad to them anymore.

 

I wouldn't want someone running back to me in such a short period of time. I would want them to confront their issues, work out why they were so unhappy, get their life back on track, figure out the career situation, and anything else that was contributing to the failing relationship. None of this has happened in 14 days. The same problems, issues, conflicts, arguments... they are right where they were left.

 

On top of all THOSE issues, now you have the issue of trying to rebuild a relationship that has crumbled and is now on shaky ground. You guys can't just fall back into what you had. You are not going to feel entirely comfortable and secure with him and it's going to take a bit of adjustment.

 

His lack of direction in life, the antidepressants, the general unhappiness with everything is worrisome. He really needs to fix himself before he tries to be in an emotionally healthy, stable, and successful relationship. Unless he does that, the relationship will just crumble again.

 

Completely agree with you 100%, exactly my sentiments. That is my biggest worry, the fact it's only been two weeks. This I mentioned to him, and strongly highlighted the reason why he dumped me. He said life just wasn't the same without me.

 

I think he is clutching at straws because I actually dissapeared off the face of the planet for two weeks and never made contact. It was him who contacted me. I don't think he was used to that, as I was always there, all the time and then BAM, I was gone like a magicians rabbit.

 

The fact he brought his mum into all this makes the argument against him slip ever so slightly on the scales towards a 'maybe'. If I was being honest with myself, I know it's way too early, and I worry also if this is a missed opportunity I wont get again. Seeing as, I've been wanting reconciliation, but wasn't expecting it THIS soon. 6 months time maybe, when he has sorted himself out, but I was banking on both of us having gone through some personal growth in that time.

 

I love him to death, that's why I am so conflicted.

 

He did something irrational and out of the ordinary for him, to come and tell me to my face he was sorry and wanted me back. In most of the threads I have read, I've never come across a similar story. It usually only happens after a number of months have passed by.

 

Sigh.

Posted

If he's not adding beauty to your life then don't go backwards.

 

What has HE changed that should make you consider it? Does he have a secure income and future suddenly? Can he make you feel safe and secure?

 

If not, then no, he's offered nothing new.

Posted

I still wouldn't take him back, even if I was so in love with someone.

 

Yes, you can take him back now, and enjoy the short term happiness. But what about long term? Issues WILL crop back up again.

 

Or, you can tell him that no, you will not be getting back into a relationship with him at this point, but you are willing to revisit the situation in 6 months after you've both done some work.

 

You can see how much effort he puts in, to himself, to showing YOU that he's willing to change. If he's being honest and true in his feelings, you will notice changes and if this is done, then a long term relationship working out is far more likely.

 

Getting you back right now is no incentive for him to really fix himself.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

After reading you initial posts, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said that he wants you back.

Do listen to how these good people are advising you to handle it, but also do notice that this IS HUGE! It will help your confidence and give you strength if nothing else.

 

My heart goes for you. Emotionally I'm in exactly the same situation as you are. The difference is (amongst others) I'm the villain in my story. I refused to get therapy for years and I completely wrecked my life by dumping and kicking out the love of my life.

 

Please, for your life's sake, please get therapy (and medication if necessary).

I didn't, and I ruined my life.

Now I'm getting therapy and medication, but it's too little too late for getting her back. My one and only seems to be gone for good.

 

It will take years for me to recover from this but therapy and medication is keeping me from crumbling, the thing you fear the most at the moment.

 

In the end, all the emotions you are going through are the result of chemical reactions in your brain. Believe me it's not going to make you blind to real problems in your life. You'll still see them and go after them.

The only difference will be that you won't be fighting the lack of dopamine in your brain on top of everything you are going through.

Edited by Farid
Posted

For what it's worth I go with the post above, you now have control, it will make you feel stronger, tell him you are willing to look at things again in a few months but it can't be like it was, arrange to meet for a monthly coffee, nothing else and see how you progress, I'm willing to bet in 6 months you won't be together and you will have met someone else.

 

When this happened to me it was a type of closure, I split with my wife from the May 2004 to December 2005 and we got back together, it lasted another 5 years but I showed the same issues, I tried but didn't fix myself, I now have BTW

  • Like 1
Posted

I haven´t really posted much on here but when you started this thread something just stuck with me. Have been checking to see any updates from you and was happy to see your recent development.

 

Look out for number one is all I can say. I wish you all the best in regards to making the decision that is right for you in this relationship and for the future.

Hope your living and work situation gets sorted as soon as possible :D

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