Maxie Max Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I've been reflecting on a texting session that my boyfriend and I had the other day. Basically, I would text him and then I could complete another task. I wouldn't reply to his texts until I was done washing dishes, getting off the phone with other friends and so forth. It reached a point in which he asked me "Why is it taking you such a long time to reply to my texts?" I simply told him that I had been working on things. He wanted to know what those things were. I told him. He then said that I should have told him what I was doing from the start. I didn't think too much of it but when my mom heard about it, her reaction was . She is saying that this is a slight sign of my boyfriend being controlling or even abusive down the road. She said there is no reason why he should need me to list what I am doing.
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This is yet another reason why texting is a bad way to communicate. Once you get past 2 exchanges pick up the phone. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think your mom over reacted but she does have a point. If you see other instances where your BF seems controlling, take a long hard look at him. This could simply have been him making sure he wasn't annoying you.
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I've been reflecting on a texting session that my boyfriend and I had the other day. Basically, I would text him and then I could complete another task. I wouldn't reply to his texts until I was done washing dishes, getting off the phone with other friends and so forth. It reached a point in which he asked me "Why is it taking you such a long time to reply to my texts?" I simply told him that I had been working on things. He wanted to know what those things were. I told him. He then said that I should have told him what I was doing from the start. I didn't think too much of it but when my mom heard about it, her reaction was . She is saying that this is a slight sign of my boyfriend being controlling or even abusive down the road. She said there is no reason why he should need me to list what I am doing. Yes, there is an issue of some kind here. Has he expressed in the past that he doesn't trust you? Have there been trust breaches by you in the past? How long have you been dating?
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Unless there are other reasons to think 'red flag, abuse!' I think your Mother is overreacting here. It sounds like simply he thought you were having a 'nonstop' conversation, and you thought you were just casually texting in between chores. Neither are wrong, and unless he was nasty or cruel to you about it, just enquiring what you were up to isn't wrong. If he likes a constant stream of messages then when you start texting in future, let him know you may be a little while replying because you're washing the dishes, or whatever. If he still gets weird with you because he wants your undivided attention, then you have a problem. But I think your Mother is making a mountain out of a molehill here. Your Mom may not understand the dynamics of texting in the younger generation... some people are happy with a text every few days, some people can send back and forth texts every two minutes like a real-time conversation, personally I will reply when I'm free and with someone I love and can't wait to hear from I'll more than likely make more time to respond, but even with friends I can go several days between replies as long as it isn't urgent. To her it probably sounds very controlling, that he wanted you to 'list what you were doing', but for all we know he just asked what you were up to or why you were busy. Nothing to see here! 2
Author Maxie Max Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Yes, there is an issue of some kind here. Has he expressed in the past that he doesn't trust you? Have there been trust breaches by you in the past? How long have you been dating? Kind of. There was an incident when one of his friends was my texting buddy. Once my boyfriend "found out", he reacted as if he caught me with my hands dirty. He said it explained why I didn't text him a lot.
preraph Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 You can get a whole lot more said in a much shorter time on the phone. If after you try using the phone instead, you find you can't get him off it to resume doing things you need to do, at that point you need to evaluate whether he's right for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Kind of. There was an incident when one of his friends was my texting buddy. Once my boyfriend "found out", he reacted as if he caught me with my hands dirty. He said it explained why I didn't text him a lot. What do you mean he was your texting buddy?
jezzika Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 If the two of you were in the middle of a conversation that was going back and forth, it would have been courteous to let him know that you were doing dishes, housework or whatever it was, so that he wouldn't sit there waiting on another reply text. However, this is yet another reason why texts and emails shouldn't replace a real live conversation. Sometimes a text and even an email can be misinterpreted because you don't hear the tone of someone's voice, the giggle behind the sarcasm, the seriousness in a comment, the tears behind the hurt...it's really just best to dial that number and talk.
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Kind of. There was an incident when one of his friends was my texting buddy. Once my boyfriend "found out", he reacted as if he caught me with my hands dirty. He said it explained why I didn't text him a lot. Ok, that's the issue here. However, that does not mean it's ok for him to question your every move or not responding to him in a timely enough way for him. For now, though, if you feel you can and want to continue with him, I'd do some things to help assuage his fears. It will show that you understand his concern. For instance, when he does text you and if you are busy, go ahead and say, "I'm doing such and such, can I get back to you in X minutes". Better yet, would be to call him rather than text if you can. You should only have to do things this way a few times for it to become clear to him that you are trying to get past all this. If after a few times he doesn't accept that or stop that behavior, then you may have a bigger issue on your hands.
GemmaUK Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I've been there - got the t-shirt and the bag and the dvd and the.... When I finished with him I deleted mail after mail and text after text of me explaining I was doing this, that and whatever. He was long distance but demanded to know my every move. I think the argument over me cutting my toenails was one of the worst ones. I didn't have an argument about it - he did. I was in BIG trouble over that as I was 5 mins late to a Skype call that night - the reason being that he was insisting upon texting and wanting a response so I was not finished cutting my nails on time. What matters os how you feel and whether this has set off alarm bells in you. If it has - don't ignore them.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I get your mother's vibe... But there is just no way in h*ll to envision you being able to fully assess your boyfriend's potential for future controlling tendencies. Instead you will be introduced slowly and methodically to his potential controlling ways and then once you're in way too deep, something will snap, hard (if you're lucky) and that will, once and for all, drive you home to mom's loving arms. Or perhaps nothing will snap, and instead you'll just be drawn hook, line, and sinker into the life of an abused partner/spouse/victim. If your mom is the type to accept no B.S., then there is a better chance that you'll leave at the first hint of a snap, but if your mom just has you on a cycle of repeated behaviors of her own, during a similar life pattern, then you're likely in for it... Tiz also quite possible that your mother doesn't have a full/true/strong sense of just how unique new technologies like texting interface with the young relationships of today. So this remains a puzzle...
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I get your mother's vibe... But there is just no way in h*ll to envision you being able to fully assess your boyfriend's potential for future controlling tendencies. Instead you will be introduced slowly and methodically to his potential controlling ways and then once you're in way too deep, something will snap, hard (if you're lucky) and that will, once and for all, drive you home to mom's loving arms. Or perhaps nothing will snap, and instead you'll just be drawn hook, line, and sinker into the life of an abused partner/spouse/victim. If your mom is the type to accept no B.S., then there is a better chance that you'll leave at the first hint of a snap, but if your mom just has you on a cycle of repeated behaviors of her own, during a similar life pattern, then you're likely in for it... Tiz also quite possible that your mother doesn't have a full/true/strong sense of just how unique new technologies like texting interface with the young relationships of today. So this remains a puzzle... Unless he's demonstrated other behaviors outside of this texting situation that indicate or show he's being controlling, this situation is about trust because there was something specific that happened to put him on edge about it. Does he otherwise try to control you in other areas of the relationship? If not, then this is a "one off". I would not assume he has a control issue based on this texting situation.
Author Maxie Max Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 What do you mean he was your texting buddy? A texting buddy is someone you can text about anything and they always engage.
Assada Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I've been reflecting on a texting session that my boyfriend and I had the other day. Basically, I would text him and then I could complete another task. I wouldn't reply to his texts until I was done washing dishes, getting off the phone with other friends and so forth. It reached a point in which he asked me "Why is it taking you such a long time to reply to my texts?" I simply told him that I had been working on things. He wanted to know what those things were. I told him. He then said that I should have told him what I was doing from the start. I didn't think too much of it but when my mom heard about it, her reaction was . She is saying that this is a slight sign of my boyfriend being controlling or even abusive down the road. She said there is no reason why he should need me to list what I am doing. Its a sign that he's insecure 1
ponchsox Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 The both of you need open communication about communication to make sure you're on the same page. People can get the biggest misconceptions about texting which can lead to serious issues in a relationship. Some people have jobs in which they can't text for a long period of time, and others don't prefer to text much as a primary means of communication. I had the same issue with an ex gf and we got on the same page (before other more complex issues ended our relationship) 2
CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Maybe he was concerned for your safety? Did you let on that you were doing something or going somewhere that something bad would happen? I think communicative intelligence evolves a bit later on, when the couple is more established and comfortable. You get to know each others schedules and activities during the day and these arguments gradually disappear. I think a real red flag would be if he does demand to know your each and every move, but if you two are new to the relationship, I wouls just tell him honestly that keeping in touch over text is rather difficult when there is so much to do. I think most would understand...
Itspointless Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Like Assada said, he can be insecure and perhaps be anxious attached.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I don't think so, I think some people sit on their chairs or sofas waiting in anticipation for a response because they feel they are equating to a real life face-to-face conversation. This is to be a pet peeve of mine when Smart Phones didn't exist and only PC's were present. Now, I just expect "Meh, they'll answer when they answer"...so I make my texts appear like they have a point or a question to it. I've been reflecting on a texting session that my boyfriend and I had the other day. Basically, I would text him and then I could complete another task. I wouldn't reply to his texts until I was done washing dishes, getting off the phone with other friends and so forth. It reached a point in which he asked me "Why is it taking you such a long time to reply to my texts?" I simply told him that I had been working on things. He wanted to know what those things were. I told him. He then said that I should have told him what I was doing from the start. I didn't think too much of it but when my mom heard about it, her reaction was . She is saying that this is a slight sign of my boyfriend being controlling or even abusive down the road. She said there is no reason why he should need me to list what I am doing.
Andy_K Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I agree with your mum. I've dated enough girls who have had abusive and controlling relationships to know what the signs are. Most normal people will not bat an eyelid at a slow response to a text. But not only did he inquire about it, he wanted to know exactly what you were doing, and on top of that told you that you were in the wrong not to have told him what you were doing in the first place, thus turning his frustration/impatience around on you. I cannot think of any normal, sane, easygoing person who would react the way he did. Would any of your friends do that? Tread carefully here. 1
venusishername Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) I've been there - got the t-shirt and the bag and the dvd and the.... When I finished with him I deleted mail after mail and text after text of me explaining I was doing this, that and whatever. He was long distance but demanded to know my every move. I think the argument over me cutting my toenails was one of the worst ones. I didn't have an argument about it - he did. I was in BIG trouble over that as I was 5 mins late to a Skype call that night - the reason being that he was insisting upon texting and wanting a response so I was not finished cutting my nails on time. What matters os how you feel and whether this has set off alarm bells in you. If it has - don't ignore them. F that, Gemma! Geez... what an ass! You have a point; I wouldn't say this is a red flag for the OP unless she had reason to believe that he was controlling in other aspects. On its face I think it's rude and immature, not necessarily controlling. However, I agree with Andy. Tread carefully. If someone I was dating was demanding to know why I'm not holding my phone and waiting for his call/text and being 100% responsive to him at all times, I would tell him to **** off and if he can't respect that I have a life other than talking to him then get out of my life. Some men are needy and insecure. I have zero tolerance for that. I have a gf whose ex did this to her so I've seen it before. Even after they broke up, she's still hooked in on him if he texts her or vice versa. They remained 'civil' and are 'friendly but not friends'. He wasn't abusive to her, or controlling.. he was just insecure, needy, and manipulative. Guys like this tend to put their hooks in you. Yuck. Edited January 15, 2015 by venusishername
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I used to be married to someone who was very controlling, but he was very covert about it. I eventually left him because he was driving me crazy although I couldn't figure out why. My sister once pointed out to me that every time I was at her house, he found an excuse to call. I never gave it any thought until I had been with him awhile. He was very controlling in an underhanded way. While I was in that relationship, I got to the point to where I knew I would kill myself or die, literally, if I stayed with him. Then I was once with an abusive/controlling guy. One day, I was in an interview and, of course, shut off my phone. When I got back to my car, I called him and he was so angry by then, he was basically foaming at the mouth. He had forgotten that I had an interview but, so what? What a nutcase. Your bf may not be abusive but he's definitely somewhat controlling. You need to be careful about being involved with someone like this. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I agree with your mum. I've dated enough girls who have had abusive and controlling relationships to know what the signs are. Most normal people will not bat an eyelid at a slow response to a text. But not only did he inquire about it, he wanted to know exactly what you were doing, and on top of that told you that you were in the wrong not to have told him what you were doing in the first place, thus turning his frustration/impatience around on you. I cannot think of any normal, sane, easygoing person who would react the way he did. Would any of your friends do that? Tread carefully here. We don't know how he asked. I don't generally care about text speeds, or whatever, but I might casually enquire what someone was up to... and if someone thought the text conversation was meant to be something it wasn't (a back and forth nonstop thing) then it's hardly abusive or a warning of abuse to say 'next time we're chatting would you mind letting me know if you're busy at the same time?', maybe the guy wanted to get on with his own chores but didn't because he thought he was gonna be unable to put his phone down! I agree if he said 'why the F are you taking so long to respond? Are you with another guy? Oh, chores? They're more important than me huh? Next time you disrespect me by messing around with the hoover when I'm giving you the time of day, do me the respect of telling me so I won't bother giving you as much attention' then that's totally a huge red warning flag, something worth running a mile from. But I don't think the OP really gave enough information for us to detect that it was definitely a worrying exchange.
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 People who must text back and forth all the time certainly can be control freaks that you need to leave, but I am viewing many of them as people with nothing productive to do at this point. If they had a couple of jobs, they wouldn't have time for this. If the person is out of school and still has time to text 24/7, I'd consider that a big red slacker flag.
Author Maxie Max Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 We don't know how he asked. I don't generally care about text speeds, or whatever, but I might casually enquire what someone was up to... and if someone thought the text conversation was meant to be something it wasn't (a back and forth nonstop thing) then it's hardly abusive or a warning of abuse to say 'next time we're chatting would you mind letting me know if you're busy at the same time?', maybe the guy wanted to get on with his own chores but didn't because he thought he was gonna be unable to put his phone down! I agree if he said 'why the F are you taking so long to respond? Are you with another guy? Oh, chores? They're more important than me huh? Next time you disrespect me by messing around with the hoover when I'm giving you the time of day, do me the respect of telling me so I won't bother giving you as much attention' then that's totally a huge red warning flag, something worth running a mile from. But I don't think the OP really gave enough information for us to detect that it was definitely a worrying exchange. I had mentioned that I was going to start taking Zumba classes and he wanted to know where. It probably took me an hour or so to respond. It's not exactly something he couldn't continue on with his day without knowing.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I had mentioned that I was going to start taking Zumba classes and he wanted to know where. It probably took me an hour or so to respond. It's not exactly something he couldn't continue on with his day without knowing. If he gives you a bad gut feeling, then listen to it, trust it. I was working on the assumption that while you didn't feel he was doing anything wrong, your Mother did and you were seeking opinion as to whether or not she was right. If you think he's acting weird then trust yourself. But it's impossible for people to say, when we don't know the context, or the manner in which he said it (and people can read intonation from a text if they regularly send them). For example, 'oh that's awesome, I didn't know anywhere around here did the classes, where you going?' is quite different to 'you're doing Zumba? Which gym? I will come with you' or whatever. If you're not into lengthy text exchanges, just tell him. 'I generally text when I get some free time, so don't expect me to be replying within ten seconds '. If he has a problem with that, then you have a problem. Personally it would turn me off someone being desperate for me to reply to them within a certain timeframe, it would seem clingy. Some people don't mind, everyone's different.
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