RoxStar Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Well today is day three of no contact. I am not quite as emotional as I was yesterday. Last night after work I just kinda sat down with my self and thought about the advice from LS and the feedback from one of my friends that sees and knows first hand what the situation is. I know deep down this is the right thing. I spent a lot of years in a bad relationship before this one and the reason I stayed then was because it was just easier then starting over. I guess I am lazy like that. I think I would be content to stay in this situation because its also easy but lately I have also been thinking a lot about what I want out of life and I want to have kids and he doesnt. I am only 31 so I have time but at the same time if I stay in this situation I might not end up having kids or meeting someone to do that with. Maybe we will work it out after a few months of taking some time off or maybe we wont. I am not doing this in anticipation of that happening. I am looking at this as a real break. Last night I found myself going back and forth about is this the right thing or not. I almost called him to talk about stuff but decided that maybe at the end of the week we can talk if I still feel we need too. I do love him and I always will. He might feel like I hurt him by ending things but on the same hand when he asked me not to leave on Thursday and Friday I asked him what was going to change and what are we going to work on and he says nothing so he had an opportunity to work it out but he opted not to. So its going to be tough. I think he does care about me but I am not sure he really loved or loves me if he is just ok with letting this go. That is also something for me to take into consideration. He said in the very beginning of us getting together that he didnt want a relationship but a relationship evolved from our situation. Like I have posted we arent boyfriend/girlfriend by definition but regardless it was some form of a relationship. The other day he again said he didnt want a relationship and I said to him - This is a relationship. So who knows what will happen. I feel a little better. I need to just vent by posting I guess. I do feel better and like I said deep down this has to be the right thing to do. I hate it. I am sad. I dont feel as bad as I did yesterday though so BABYSTEPS. I am sure I will break down on this NC thing. I just have a feeling already that I will probably call him in a day or two. I keep wondering to myself what his fear is of change within our relationship. All I am asking him is to not lie about what goes on with us for no reason. All I want is for him to quit sending mixed messages from time to time which usually only happens when he is drunk. When he is sober he tells me he is fine with me talking to guys (not getting digits, not dating but just talking and being social) when we are out but when we get home he goes off on me that he knows I was trying to get with so and so or I wanted to take home so and so. Again all of that goes back to his insecurity. In any event the more I type the more seems to unravel here and lets me know that this is a good thing. I am a little nervous because he is in a wedding I am invited to as well in a few weeks and I just dont know how that will go over. Thanks for listening, reading and responding.
EC Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 I am only 31 so I have time but at the same time if I stay in this situation I might not end up having kids or meeting someone to do that with. Maybe we will work it out after a few months of taking some time off or maybe we wont. I am not doing this in anticipation of that happening. I am looking at this as a real break. You are 31. You want a marriage and kids one day. You have been seeing this guy for so long and he doesn't even consider you a relationship! He wants kids then he doesn't. You are 31, you don't have time for that childish behavior. You need a man. He could change his mind and change or he could not. He said he wouldn't so thats how you should think. I agree you are doing the right thing. By not wasting time on him and his issues you can leave yourself open for something real. A man that wants a commitment and kids. Thet are out there! I do feel better and like I said deep down this has to be the right thing to do. I hate it. I am sad. I dont feel as bad as I did yesterday though so BABYSTEPS. I am sure I will break down on this NC thing. I just have a feeling already that I will probably call him in a day or two. I keep wondering to myself what his fear is of change within our relationship. All I am asking him is to not lie about what goes on with us for no reason. All I want is for him to quit sending mixed messages from time to time which usually only happens when he is drunk. When he is sober he tells me he is fine with me talking to guys (not getting digits, not dating but just talking and being social) when we are out but when we get home he goes off on me that he knows I was trying to get with so and so or I wanted to take home so and so. Again all of that goes back to his insecurity. I have an insecurity problem so I can probably guess how he feels about this. The accusing you about other men is an obvious insecurity but him showing no reaction to your breaking up and just letting it go is another insecurity. I was in a relationship once, I didn't want it to be called a relationship because if it wasn't a relationship and things went sour then I wouldn't be hurt. Then the guy wanted to 'break up' from our 'non-relationship' and I was dying inside but because I didn't want to deal with the anxiety of the problems going on that I felt I really couldn't fix, I thought it best to just let go and not deal with it so that I could have less anxiety. That was me, I don't know if thats what hes thinking. But anyways I see you are doing better. If you do call him dont have any expectations because you will just be let down again and that will take another week of crying. Just be strong, Remind yourself what your goals in life are, and you will be fine. Don't worry so much about the wedding girl, One day at a time.
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