I [26F] broke up with a guy [32M] over a stupid reason and have major regrets

January 14, 2015

I'm 26F and have been seeing 32M for 2 months. It's been going well but I have had some doubts about our emotional chemistry, but the sex is FANTASTIC. My bday was on Monday and he took me out for a nice dinner on Saturday. He was going to be leaving town on Wednesday and so I asked him if I could see him before he left. My actual bday was on Monday (day before yesterday) and we had agreed to meet up that night to see each other before he left town for a week-long trip. I texted him when I was through with work around 8:30 pm and he replied back saying that he had to work late and wouldn't be able to see me, with no plan to see me the next day and nothing like "I want to see you before I go". I thought it was strange he didn't say happy birthday or anything and that he didn't let me know sooner about the having to work late, considering it was my birthday and the last time I'd be seeing him for at least a week.

I had been having some second thoughts about our chemistry and decided I needed to end it with him because I was on the fence already. There had been another minor issue where I found out that he was active on tinder (not just having the app on his phone) after we had agreed to become exclusive. I sort of freaked out briefly but then talked to him and felt good about it. My friend also sort of talked me into breaking up with him because she felt like I wasn't as happy with it anymore. I called him and we had a pleasant convo in which he still didn't say happy birthday and then I ended it. I didn't make it about that but said we weren't well matched. I don't think we had amazing chemistry. He said he was completely surprised by it and it came out of left field. I asked him why he didn't say happy birthday at least and he said "I gave you a nice present and don't need to say it again." I apologized and thanked him for dinner again. Then I hung up and we left it at that. I guess I felt like I had been initiating a lot of texting and was afraid he was using me for sex. I immediately regretted my decision to break up with him and texted him the next day:

Me: I feel like I made a mistake. If you want to see me when you get back from your trip, can you let me know ? I'm sorry that I overreacted. It really meant a lot that we went out this weekend and I was hoping to see you before you left.

Him: I completely understand. Why don't we take this time that I am away to think about what we really want. Please feel free to message me while I'm gone, and I will do the same.

Me: Ok, that would be good.

Him: I hope you enjoyed a nice bday.

Me: Thanks! Enjoy the game tonight.

Later...

Me: I miss you!

Do you feel the same?

Him: You are definitely on my mind.

I know I sound crazy now. I miss him so much and feel like I made a huge mistake.

I know. I'm insecure. i thought he was going to break up with me because he had been acting differently towards me like not as talkative, not texting, etc. I've been burned in the past where guys will just fade out. I figured I should preemptively break up with him, but now I realize he wasn't expecting it at all and he actually did like me all along and perhaps birthdays just aren't important to him. =/

Do you think he would be willing to give me a second chance if I just don't text him for the remainder of his trip?

tl;dr: Not sure if I made a mistake breaking up with him, apologized and now want to get back with him. Help!

Edited January 14, 2015 by swimmergirl2010

January 14, 2015

I'm 26F and have been seeing 32M for 2 months. It's been going well but I have had some doubts about our emotional chemistry, but the sex is FANTASTIC. My bday was on Monday and he took me out for a nice dinner on Saturday. He was going to be leaving town on Wednesday and so I asked him if I could see him before he left. My actual bday was on Monday (yesterday) and we had agreed to meet up that night to see each other before he left town for a week-long trip. I texted him when I was through with work around 8:30 pm and he replied back saying that he had to work late and wouldn't be able to see me, with no plan to see me the next day. I thought it was strange he didn't say happy birthday or anything and that he didn't let me know sooner about the having to work late considering it was also my birthday.

I had been having some second thoughts about our chemistry and decided I needed to end it with him because I was on the fence already. My friend also sort of talked me into it because she felt like I was always complaining about something related to the relationship recently. I called him and we had a pleasant convo in which he still didn't say happy birthday and then I ended it. I didn't make it about that but said we weren't well matched. I don't think we had amazing chemistry. He said he was completely surprised by it and it came out of left field. I asked him why he didn't say happy birthday at least and he said "I gave you a nice present and don't need to say it again." I apologized and thanked him for dinner again. Then I hung up and we left it at that. I guess I felt like I had been initiating a lot of texting and was afraid he was using me for sex. I immediately regretted my decision to break up with him and texted him the next day:

Me: I feel like I made a mistake. If you want to see me when you get back from your trip, can you let me know ? I'm sorry that I overreacted. It really meant a lot that we went out this weekend and I was hoping to see you before you left.

Him: I completely understand. Why don't we take this time that I am away to think about what we really want. Please feel free to message me while I'm gone, and I will do the same.

Me: Ok, that would be good.

Him: I hope you enjoyed a nice bday.

Me: Thanks! Enjoy the game tonight.

Later...

Me: I miss you!
Do you feel the same?

Him: You are definitely on my mind.

I know I sound crazy now. I miss him so much and feel like I made a huge mistake.
I know. I'm insecure. i thought he was going to break up with me because he had been acting differently towards me like not as talkative, not texting, etc. I've been burned in the past where guys will just fade out. I figured I should preemptively break up with him, but now I realize he wasn't expecting it at all and he actually did like me all along and perhaps birthdays just aren't important to him. =/
Do you think he would be willing to give me a second chance if I just don't text him for the remainder of his trip?

tl;dr: Not sure if I made a mistake breaking up with him, apologized and now want to get back with him. Help!

Your insecurities got the better of you and, worse yet, you allowed your friends to influence YOUR feelings. You have told him that you feel you've made a mistake. Leave it at that for now. He knows you've had second thoughts and it is now in his court to decide whether or not he wants to continue to pursue you. You must let him come to you now if he is going to.

I would not text him during the trip. I'd let him have that time to process everything. In addition, I would not text or call him right away when he returns. Leave some time to see if he calls or texts you first. In essence you are hitting the "reset button".

In addition, you said above that you had been doing a lot of the initiating and so it wasn't clear to you what his intentions were. This is the reason that for the first couple of months, the woman allows the man to take the lead and do most if not all of the initiating. It should be balanced though. He contacts you, you reciprocate. Later, it can be you initiating once for every couple of his.

All this being said though, it was only two months into the "relationship" and you were having misgivings and on the fence. There was something going on that was putting you off and making you unhappy with things. You were already too invested in the relationship than you should have been at this point. And, putting so much emphasis on the birthday thing was just plain neediness. He gave you a gift. He didn't even need to being doing that at the two month mark. You questioning his interest was unwarranted.

And, if you were thinking he was using you for sex, you should have initiated a conversation with him about it rather than assuming. In fact, you two should have had a conversation about what you were each looking for out of your dating experiences prior to or very shortly after becoming intimate.

You've also said "you're not sure you did make a mistake breaking up with him". You are all over the place here. I recommend you take the time while he is gone to get clear in your head about what you want and be ready to convey that to him in a clear way.

January 14, 2015

Thanks for the reply. I agree that I should not text or call him while he's away. My concern is that he won't reach out to me when he returns and that will be it for the relationship. I ruined something that could've been beautiful with my insecurities. We did have a conversation about being exclusive, and had decided to just see each other. However, I found out he was using tinder (but he wasn't meeting up with the girls) so that fed into some of my insecurities that he was looking around.

Another thing that came up was he told me that he would be away "pretty much every weekend in February." I was worried that he was telling me this because he wanted to take things less seriously, so I did ask him that. He said that he was just letting me know.

I think part of my neediness is that we slept together on the 3rd date. We've had a pretty crazy sex life, it's been amazingly good for both of us and so I'm often thinking about when I will get to see him next.

At this point, do you think there's a chance he'd be willing to move past this with me? Or should I assume it's done? Were my last few texts over the top?

Edited January 14, 2015 by swimmergirl2010

January 14, 2015

Thanks for the reply. I agree that I should not text or call him while he's away. My concern is that he won't reach out to me when he returns and that will be it for the relationship. I ruined something that could've been beautiful with my insecurities. We did have a conversation about being exclusive, and had decided to just see each other. However, I found out he was using tinder (but he wasn't meeting up with the girls) so that fed into some of my insecurities that he was looking around.

Another thing that came up was he told me that he would be away "pretty much every weekend in February." I was worried that he was telling me this because he wanted to take things less seriously, so I did ask him that. He said that he was just letting me know.

At this point, do you think there's a chance he'd be willing to move past this with me? Or should I assume it's done?

You're not going to know until you have a chance to talk to him again. You must be patient right now (easier said than done, I know). We certainly can't tell you how this is going to play out. Keep things in perspective—it's been two months! In the grand scheme of things, that's nothing, and not a time when you should already be so invested in this guy that you're still getting to know. You may get a second chance, or you may not—but even if you don't, it's not the end of the world. Take what you've learned this time and apply it to your next relationship.

What is it about this guy that makes him such a good catch in yours eyes? The good sex? Is there anything else? It doesn't sound like you weren't having a very good time, yet now that you're faced with him actually being gone from your life, you're panicking—why? Does it have more to do with you or with him? The Tinder thing raises something of a flag to me.

It sounds like you let your insecurities drive your behavior. You doubted your emotional chemistry (which takes time to determine, by the way), and when he did something "wrong" (not wishing you HBD again) you pulled the trigger. If he does come back, will you be able to take a step back emotionally and see things from a more measured perspective?

January 14, 2015

Thanks for the reply. I agree that I should not text or call him while he's away. My concern is that he won't reach out to me when he returns and that will be it for the relationship. I ruined something that could've been beautiful with my insecurities. We did have a conversation about being exclusive, and had decided to just see each other. However, I found out he was using tinder (but he wasn't meeting up with the girls) so that fed into some of my insecurities that he was looking around.

Another thing that came up was he told me that he would be away "pretty much every weekend in February." I was worried that he was telling me this because he wanted to take things less seriously, so I did ask him that. He said that he was just letting me know.

I think part of my neediness is that we slept together on the 3rd date. We've had a pretty crazy sex life, it's been amazingly good for both of us and so I'm often thinking about when I will get to see him next.

At this point, do you think there's a chance he'd be willing to move past this with me? Or should I assume it's done? Were my last few texts over the top?

You should never do any ASSUMING ever. I do not know if he's willing to move past it. It doesn't matter if your texts were over the top. They are out there. It is unlikely that they caused anymore damage than has already occurred though.

January 14, 2015

Agreed, was it the text "I miss you!" that was out there? Or the text about making a mistake? Perhaps I should've waited a bit and called him when he got back from his trip? Ugh, I do fear that I ruined a potentially great relationship. I'm sure he's having serious doubts about ever seeing me as potential gf material again.

January 14, 2015

You should never do any ASSUMING ever. I do not know if he's willing to move past it. It doesn't matter if your texts were over the top. They are out there. It is unlikely that they caused anymore damage than has already occurred though.

I guess what I want to know is, do my texts make me sound crazy/emotionally unbalanced? Or just really upset that I'm missing him? Because I was feeling pretty ****ty about missing him.

January 14, 2015

You should never do any ASSUMING ever. I do not know if he's willing to move past it. It doesn't matter if your texts were over the top. They are out there. It is unlikely that they caused anymore damage than has already occurred though.

One more thing, you and he had discussed and agreed to exclusivity. Exclusivity is not about a "committed" relationship, it's about only being sexual with each other.

There will be people here who will jump all over this, but the fact is that just because you are exclusive with someone does not mean they or you are not going to date anyone else. You are just agreeing not to be intimate with anyone else and the reason for this is that so many people become intimate very early with a dating prospect . . . before they really know the person enough to decide that they want to commit to them. How can you know after 3 dates or a month, if you want to "tie" yourself to that one?

What should happen is that the other person doesn't see other people, but what usually happens nowadays is they will go out on dates with other people until they decide to become initimate with the new one, at which time, they drop the first one. This is what happens and people are surprised because they think they are "committed". Commitment comes after exclusivity.

January 14, 2015

One more thing, you and he had discussed and agreed to exclusivity. Exclusivity is not about a "committed" relationship, it's about only being sexual with each other.

There will be people here who will jump all over this, but the fact is that just because you are exclusive with someone does not mean they or you are not going to date anyone else. You are just agreeing not to be intimate with anyone else and the reason for this is that so many people become intimate very early with a dating prospect . . . before they really know the person enough to decide that they want to commit to them. How can you know after 3 dates or a month, if you want to "tie" yourself to that one?

What should happen is that the other person doesn't see other people, but what usually happens nowadays is they will go out on dates with other people until they decide to become initimate with the new one, at which time, they drop the first one. This is what happens and people are surprised because they think they are "committed". Commitment comes after exclusivity.

I think you're right. I realized that I wasn't even ready to not date anyone else after just the 3rd date with him. I'm just wondering if my texts come across as "crazy" or bipolar. I'm not bipolar but I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and be impulsive about acting on my emotions. I do miss him and wish we could take time to start fresh but I'm afraid I've already come across as a crazy girl and he'd never see me as relationship material.

January 14, 2015

I guess what I want to know is, do my texts make me sound crazy/emotionally unbalanced? Or just really upset that I'm missing him? Because I was feeling pretty ****ty about missing him.

Unless he was feeling that you were emotionally unbalanced or crazy before these texts, he likely just thinking you are upset at the moment. In other words, if your history with him in the past made him didn't make him think this way about you before, these texts will be taken in context for what's going on now.

January 14, 2015

No, you don't sound crazy. Crazy would be texting someone every ten minutes regardless of their reply. Telling someone you miss them, when you truly miss them, is a sign of emotional vulnerability, not insanity. Jeebus.

January 14, 2015

No, you don't sound crazy. Crazy would be texting someone every ten minutes regardless of their reply. Telling someone you miss them, when you truly miss them, is a sign of emotional vulnerability, not insanity. Jeebus.

Thanks. I asked this question on reddit actually and people replied there that I sound completely nuts and this would be enough to scare him away. I agree that I need to get my emotions under control, but I just hope I don't come across as too crazy.

January 14, 2015

Well, reddit ...

You don't sound crazy. You do sound a bit insecure (that's not the worst thing in the world, by the way; everyone's a little insecure). Whether this guy decides to come back or not will probably not hinge on the tone or contexts of those texts, however, and if this doesn't work out, I wouldn't blame it on the texting.

January 14, 2015

Well, reddit ...

You don't sound crazy. You do sound a bit insecure (that's not the worst thing in the world, by the way; everyone's a little insecure). Whether this guy decides to come back or not will probably not hinge on the tone or contexts of those texts, however, and if this doesn't work out, I wouldn't blame it on the texting.

Ok, but literally everyone who commented said "He's better off without you. Leave him alone. You screwed it up" and "You probably blew it. You showed your true colors."

I'm afraid he said "you are definitely on my mind" just to be nice because i had texted him so much.

January 14, 2015

Him: I completely understand. Why don't we take this time that I am away to think about what we really want.

Him: You are definitely on my mind.

Oooh... aloof.

The ball right now is totally in his court. You have to sit tight and see if he's going to hit it back to you or just leave it where it lies and walk off the court.

He may not break up with you, but he may pull way back on you in the foreseeable future. You're going to have to get this lashing out thing of yours under control because his aloofness may cause you to lash out again and then it will seem like a pattern of behavior to him that he would prefer to do without.

January 14, 2015

Ok, but literally everyone who commented said "He's better off without you. Leave him alone. You screwed it up" and "You probably blew it. You showed your true colors."

I'm afraid he said "you are definitely on my mind" just to be nice because i had texted him so much.

Only he can decide if he's better off without you and you don't know if he's decided that or not.

He simply acknowledged your texts PERIOD. Of course, you are on his mind, he just went through something difficult with you. It is neither a positive nor a negative.

You should not have sent a series of texts, that's true, but I'm telling you that it has neither caused more damage nor has it helped your case.

Stop worrying about this and wait to see how it all plays out. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Go out tonight with your friends and do something fun

January 14, 2015

Stop texting.

As others have said, the ball is in his court. If he is interested, let him contact you and wait until you actually have time to talk IN PERSON; no phones or texts so that you can see body language and have eye contact.

January 14, 2015

Oooh... aloof.

The ball right now is totally in his court. You have to sit tight and see if he's going to hit it back to you or just leave it where it lies and walk off the court.

He may not break up with you, but he may pull way back on you in the foreseeable future. You're going to have to get this lashing out thing of yours under control because his aloofness may cause you to lash out again and then it will seem like a pattern of behavior to him that he would prefer to do without.

Yeah, that's exactly how it sounded to me. Do you think I should just move on for now? Part of me wants to text him when he gets back next week to get an answer. Ugh, I'm such an idiot =/

January 14, 2015

Stop texting.

As others have said, the ball is in his court. If he is interested, let him contact you and wait until you actually have time to talk IN PERSON; no phones or texts so that you can see body language and have eye contact.

What if he just never contacts me?

January 14, 2015

Do you think I should just move on for now? Part of me wants to text him when he gets back next week to get an answer. Ugh, I'm such an idiot =/

I don't think you should move on. I think you should sit still. Do not call him. Do not text him. Your "I miss you" text was over the top & yes it did make you look somewhat nutty because it showed how much you don't know your own mind. You broke up with him. Then a few hours later you apologized. He accepted but said he thought taking the time while he was traveling to be apart would be good. Instead of agreeing to that & backing off as he asked, you told him you missed him & then whined wanting to know if he missed you too. He gave you an honest & diplomatic answer.

If this has any prayer, you need to be patient.

If he just never contacts you, his silence is his answer: NO thanks.

If you push him & demand an answer / response it's going to be no I don't want to date you because you are impatient & insecure. He won't say that. He will decline the option to continue without giving you a reason but that will be the reason.

If he's going to come back it will only be if you give him the time & space to do so. No response is a response & it is a real possibility.

January 14, 2015

I don't think you should move on. I think you should sit still. Do not call him. Do not text him. Your "I miss you" text was over the top & yes it did make you look somewhat nutty because it showed how much you don't know your own mind. You broke up with him. Then a few hours later you apologized. He accepted but said he thought taking the time while he was traveling to be apart would be good. Instead of agreeing to that & backing off as he asked, you told him you missed him & then whined wanting to know if he missed you too. He gave you an honest & diplomatic answer.

If this has any prayer, you need to be patient.

If he just never contacts you, his silence is his answer: NO thanks.

If you push him & demand an answer / response it's going to be no I don't want to date you because you are impatient & insecure. He won't say that. He will decline the option to continue without giving you a reason but that will be the reason.

If he's going to come back it will only be if you give him the time & space to do so. No response is a response & it is a real possibility.

Ok, I won't text him at all and I fully expect he won't text me either. I suppose I thought it would be okay because he had texted me "I hope you had a nice bday" earlier in the day. I was just full-on really missing him last night.

January 14, 2015

What if he just never contacts me?

It means he's gone. You need to accept that this is a real possibility right now.

If he does contact you again, you will need to be on your game. You will need to be poised, centered and clear headed. Do not apologize again, do not tell him you missed him, do not say how excited you are to hear from him.

Be receptive and listen to what he has to say and respond in a mature, controlled way. You will be in "damage control" mode. You will be at square one again and should operate as if this is basically a "new" relationship. Let him drive so to speak. Be prepared for him to move very slowly and for him to be reticent and perhaps a little distant. If you sense that, do not push him in any way.

January 14, 2015

It means he's gone. You need to accept that this is a real possibility right now.

If he does contact you again, you will need to be on your game. You will need to be poised, centered and clear headed. Do not apologize again, do not tell him you missed him, do not say how excited you are to hear from him.

Be receptive and listen to what he has to say and respond in a mature, controlled way. You will be in "damage control" mode. You will be at square one again and should operate as if this is basically a "new" relationship. Let him drive so to speak. Be prepared for him to move very slowly and for him to be reticent and perhaps a little distant. If you sense that, do not push him in any way.

Okay. I suppose I was trying to respond that way when I responded to his text about "have a nice bday" and when I told him that a break would be good. I was trying not to be too enthusiastic. But I did go out with friends last night and realized that I missed him a lot and figured it wouldn't hurt to let him know. He didn't respond for like an hour so I'm guessing he wasn't really sure how/if to respond.

January 14, 2015

Yeah, that's exactly how it sounded to me. Do you think I should just move on for now? Part of me wants to text him when he gets back next week to get an answer. Ugh, I'm such an idiot =/

I think you should read what I wrote. I said

You have to sit tight and see if he's going to hit it back to you or just leave it where it lies and walk off the court.

Move on to what? This is all in flux right now. You need to sit with what you did, think on it and why you lashed out the way you did.

Something to consider: his job may have dumped a whole lot of work on him on Monday that he has to deal with. He may have truly wanted to come see you, but was up to his eyeballs in alligators and had to make headway through that so it can be wrapped up before he gets on the plane or however he was traveling. You lashing out at him for not acknowledging your birthday then breaking up at him may have seemed to have come out of left field, but you would have had a leg to stand on if he hadn't taken you out and given you a gift on Saturday. Before you steered the conversation where you did, he may have been about to say something about your birthday, but you beat him to the punch.

He might have already been feeling down that he wasn't going to be able to get to you on your birthday in person. Yeah, a "happy birthday" unprompted from him would have been nice, but it's not like he didn't show you love on Saturday. What he was left with was you acting ungrateful and harsh.

Do not text him unprompted. Wait for him to send you a text. He said he would be in touch later this week.

January 14, 2015

I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and be impulsive about acting on my emotions.

It would be a good idea for you to begin working on reining this in now that you have some time on your hands. This kind of behavior gets really old really fast for those on the receiving end of it.

Sign In

I [26F] broke up with a guy [32M] over a stupid reason and have major regrets

Recommended Posts

swimmergirl2010

Redhead14

swimmergirl2010

losangelena

Redhead14

swimmergirl2010

swimmergirl2010

Redhead14

swimmergirl2010

Redhead14

losangelena

swimmergirl2010

losangelena

swimmergirl2010

kendahke

Redhead14

CarrieT

swimmergirl2010

swimmergirl2010

d0nnivain

swimmergirl2010

Redhead14

swimmergirl2010

kendahke

kendahke

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...