KansasChica Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I know I know. It's probably a bad idea. Back story: Both in our 30s and dated for 2 years. He has a history of commitment issues (I was his first LTR). When we began dating, I told him I was looking for "the One" and I wasn't dating just to date anymore. He agreed. I checked in with him repeatedly about this- he assured me we were on the same page. Then, in early December, when I ask about our future, he couldn't confirm that I was in his and told me he wasn't ready for the next step, etc etc. I know that I'm ready for marriage so I broke it off. He didn't argue, didn't seem that upset- didn't beg me to stay. We've been in VERY limited contact since then- mainly light texts initiated by him. I just want to know why he persistently told me that we were on the same page. I'm just seriously pissed- I feel like I wasted so much time with him. He knew from the beginning that I was ready for marriage. Ugh.
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 ... I just want to know why he persistently told me that we were on the same page. Because you were - until he cheated.... I'm just seriously pissed- I feel like I wasted so much time with him. He knew from the beginning that I was ready for marriage. Ugh. I'm sure you were. He didn't realise he wasn't - until he met someone closer to home who could come up with the goods, in the flesh as it were (if you'll pardon the expression) And yup. Very bad idea. Because everything he will tell you will be to appease you and cover his tracks...
towardthefuture Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 You will never get a straight, honest answer out of your ex regarding almost anything. Keep that in mind. Just decide what the answer is for yourself.
Author KansasChica Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I really don't think he cheated on me, but who knows?
RedButton Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 If you want clarification it needs to come from within, like closure I guess. My ex even offered that I could email or send her a text if I had questions or wanted to ask things of her (generous offer), but I never took it up. I had to sort things out for myself, because I knew that anything she told me I would over-analyse. Did she mean that? Was she lying? If she was telling the truth, what did she mean by it? etc etc.
seminoles84 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Because you were - until he cheated.... I'm sure you were. He didn't realise he wasn't - until he met someone closer to home who could come up with the goods, in the flesh as it were (if you'll pardon the expression) And yup. Very bad idea. Because everything he will tell you will be to appease you and cover his tracks... I'm confused by this post. 1. Where did she mention he cheated? 2. She said Long Term Relationship (LTR).
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I really don't think he cheated on me, but who knows? I think if he had commitment issues, and this was an LDR, it's quite likely. Sadly. ...he couldn't confirm that I was in his and told me he wasn't ready for the next step, etc etc.Definitely sounds like stone-walling to me....
RedButton Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I don't think it's fair to accuse him of cheating just because you have a hunch, that's only going to make things worse. Either way, I stand by my comment that you shouldn't be looking elsewhere for clarification, but rather work it out on your own. 1
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 LTR not LDR. Ah. Damn my head-cold... Silly me. Misread. Ok.
Ieris Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He doesn't even know what he wants. He is a complete time waster, don't waste anymore time on him. People like this will say whatever you want to hear just to get what they want.. there's a name for this kind.. future fakers I think they're called? 3
Zapbasket Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I think this kind of thing happens much more frequently than you'd think. It's easy to feel you want "forever" when it is a vague notion towards which you are vaguely moving. The relationship feels good in the now; the person is getting something out of it (sex, companionship, etc.); and so of course s/he will say, "Yes, I want the same thing as you." And the person isn't necessarily "lying," either--perhaps they fully believe they mean it. Up until it's time to actually make good on it, that is. Up until they have to match their words with actions (concrete future plans, engagement, etc.). Then the excuses come, the flip-flopping, the pushing back and resentment and blame-shifting. The only way to prevent against this is to watch, from the get-go, to see if the person's actions match his or her words. If they always dismiss conversations about the future, or talk about the future in a pie-in-the-sky way while making no headway toward even a slice of that pie, then that's the truth about where they are in terms of commitment to the relationship. It really sucks. My ex dragged along for 3.5 years before he finally told my visiting mother he loved me but "couldn't take any responsibility" because he was "lost and confused, a spinning compass," etc. That was in August, and all summer long he insisted up and down that he wanted a future with me, etc. etc. etc. barf barf barf. But truth is, all along he delayed talking about the future in a concrete way. He'd make furniture and say how important it was that I like it because it would be in "our home"; but there always a hold-up to the progress of the relationship, e.g., "I can't talk about the future until I finish my book"; "How can we talk about the future if there is acrimony between us?" (yet he'd never offer a solution to the acrimony, or examine its causes with me). The signs were there; I just didn't heed them. And that's the other sucky part: you want so badly to believe that the words they tell you, even if not backed by actions, are the truth. Because you love them, and you want the relationship to succeed. So you must forgive yourself. Sorry this happened to you, OP. 2
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