CarrieT Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 when put into a room full of people whom I do not know & whom, my her assertion, have nothing in common I'm going to call you on this one. My husband is a surgeon. He also sings in a male Russian choir. And he has a handful of other hobbies (like WWII, foreign languages, Ancient Rome, etc.) My point is that with a ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, if you talk to enough different people you will find something you have in common. I can't believe these people live/breathe/eat/sleep choral music and nothing else. So go to the party and take it as your assignment to talk to as many different people as possible and find something - anything - you have in common with at least three of them. It can be as banal as a mutually-admired television show, a sports team, or an author. Don't let your wife base her assertion that there is nothing in common with a room full of people and you because that will be just plain wrong.
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 She said the only reason I should go is if I genuinely felt I would have fun and she knows when I'm faking a smile. . This is a very critical $hit test. If you flunk it, she will be bitter and scornful and it will be another gig against you. This is a test to see if you are devoted to her, are engaged and connected with or if you are just roommates on your way to disconnecting and moving on in separate lives without each other. If you take her up on her offer to stay home, no matter how sincere and heartfelt she makes it sound, you will flunk and the date of her affair and your ultimate divorce will be moved up that much closer.
Author funnyusername Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks for all the advice. It's definitely given me a lot to think about. So, almost, all of you think that I should insist on going to the party & attempt to have fun, despite my wife seeming relieved when I said I'd reconsider it. I really want to support this, huge, aspect of her life in more than just allowing her the time to do all of these events. And share these nights out that she has so much fun on. I really miss seeing my wife having that sort of fun. You'd say making an effort here is the way to go regardless of what she says she wants.
sandylee1 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks for all the advice. It's definitely given me a lot to think about. So, almost, all of you think that I should insist on going to the party & attempt to have fun, despite my wife seeming relieved when I said I'd reconsider it. I really want to support this, huge, aspect of her life in more than just allowing her the time to do all of these events. And share these nights out that she has so much fun on. I really miss seeing my wife having that sort of fun. You'd say making an effort here is the way to go regardless of what she says she wants. Do the other husbands go to th I sort of thing? Maybe she wants it to be dishing she does on her own and without you. Especially if there are mainly women in the group. Sometimes when it's mainly girls, you let your hair down in a different way. Just in how you talk and interact. If I had to have my H stuck to me all night, it would dampen my enjoyment. Would be different on date night obviously, or a different kind of party. Personally I'd say, I would like to be there, but I clearly get the impression you want to go alone so I'll respect that. Don't force yourself to go and not enjoy it. If I got a lot of opposition I might think there was a reason for it.
Author funnyusername Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Hi Sandylee1, Thanks for replying. It's a mixed choir so there'll probably be a pretty even mix of genders, perhaps slightly more women. I know some members do take their partners but I'm not sure of the numbers.
PogoStick Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Not knowing either of them, nor their relationship, makes it difficult to figure out. My guy feeling is an emotional affair (if not more) who will also be at the event. Otherwise, I really don't understand the wife's resistance. The other possibility is she just really doesn't want him there regardless, which speaks equally poor of their marriage.
Author funnyusername Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Hi Pogostick, I'm getting more concerned now. I've always considered our marriage pretty strong on most levels. The lack of time together is really the only issue that I had. My wife seems to be happy, other than me now wanting to join her at some choir events.
CarrieT Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 OP, I think you should be concerned. Perhaps it is time to go into investigative mode... As bad as it sounds, you could buy a Voice Activated Recorder and hide it in her car. Most people make phone calls from their car as that is when they are totally alone. Check her phone for texting history or install a Keylogger on her computer to check email. I am kinda with the others that think *something* might be going on if she is so adamant on not wanting you there...
Author funnyusername Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Wow... Maybe I'm too trusting.
Author funnyusername Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 My thoughts were that she considered me dull and that spending time with me in situations where we didn't have the kids or some other distraction was, well, less fun for her than choir regardless of what form I was on. Do you think checking her emails & bugging her car is the right way to go. I don't want to accuse her of anything if it is baseless. As I said, it never really crossed my mind until you mentioned it...
Standard-Fare Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Personally I think the suggestions to start invading your wife's privacy and monitoring her behavior are pretty off-base. There's no need to leap to worst-possible assumptions right now. All you know is that she'd prefer to not have you at the party, and the reason she's given you is that she thinks you want have fun (meaning she also won't have fun). In your shoes I'd try to press it a little to see if she's willing to make a big deal out of it. Like tell her: "My plan is to come to the party. That's what I want. If you're going to flat-out prohibit that, I find that strange and I need to understand this better." If she takes it that far, then yes it would be more cause for concern and you guys would need to have a bigger conversation about what's going on here beneath the surface. My personal best guess would be that she sort enjoys trying on a different "persona" when she's with these choir people. Probably sides of her personality come out that you don't often get to see (and maybe you wouldn't even like). She must enjoy this space of her life where she's not defined as a wife. If my guess is right... I don't know if it's that a problem or not. Seems fairly normal but like it could develop into a bigger issue. It does seem that the time has arrived where you two need to rip off the band-aid and let these two realities merge a little. 3
PogoStick Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Points for an affair: Ample opportunity with overnight trips Ample opportunity to bond with people who share her interests Her multiple attempts to keep you away from the party You saying she is happy points in favor of no affair. As I said, we're operating with minimal information and I would hate to stir up something that doesn't exist. Your instincts in the matter count the most. I think bugging the phone etc is going too far if this event is the only reason to be suspicious. At the same time I can tell you scary stories about affairs, including clueless husbands. Of course, I can also share stories of non-cheating with inaccurate accusations. Would you like to hear either? I would be more insistent on attending , telling her that you feel you have been neglecting her, that you want to change that NOW, and that it's important to you to be there to celebrate her success. If she continues to strongly resist it is important to discover why, whether it involves cheating or just relationship problems with your marriage. 1
dental Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I've always considered our marriage pretty strong on most levels. The lack of time together is really the only issue that I had. My wife seems to be happy, other than me now wanting to join her at some choir events. I read your story and it does't sound pretty strong at all. To me it seems that she considers you (I'm really sorry) as dead weight in situations that she enjoys. She seems like the boss that tells you she doesn't want you there. Reasons for this, to me, are not important. She just want you to stay the f*ck out of that part of her life. She does not want to share here fun with you. How is this pretty strong? But I don't know you. Is she right? Are you a partypooper? You sound hesitant and a bit passive. You ask a lot and seem to be clueless. Then, why is she with you in the first place? Ask yourself a couple of good questions. Is this the marriage that you really want? Am I happy right now and in the future doing what I'm doing now? Am I independent or codependent? What do I want, what kind of man do I see when I look in the mirror? And, do I like this man? I hope you do some soul searching and will be able to make some good decisions for yourself!
Author funnyusername Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Hi dental, thanks for commenting. I think you maybe missed the qualifier in the "pretty strong" sentence. This perticular issue is obviously a weak point. Could you clarify your "clueless" comment? Is this in relation to my assessment of my marriage or something else? I openly admit that I'm hesitant and shy and, indeed, ask a lot of questions. When looking for advice asking questions seems to be good way to go about it. If you wish to tell me other methods of getting advice from people here I'm happy to listen. Or is your issue more that I have asked for advice in the first place? That ploughing single mindedly ahead was the best option and I'm a fool for doing anything but. I'm happy for you that you have such confidence in your own abilities and that these have never put you in a position where any assistance was needed. However, I am confused as to how that you find yourself here, in a forum of people, many of whom are looking for advice, when you seem to have such disdain for those who desire help. Though, Maybe I'm missing something from your final sentence.
dental Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Very good reply. Good sting, smart, I like the sarcasm. Why not use this when addressing your wife about the situation you're in?
contact1 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I find it a bit funny how some are protecting the wife a bit for going out on overnight activities. If this was switched were a male was going to be out overnight and was telling his wife he didn't want her because she wouldn't have fun and bring him down, the majority would be screaming red flags and to track their every move.
DKT3 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 My thoughts were that she considered me dull and that spending time with me in situations where we didn't have the kids or some other distraction was, well, less fun for her than choir regardless of what form I was on. Do you think checking her emails & bugging her car is the right way to go. I don't want to accuse her of anything if it is baseless. As I said, it never really crossed my mind until you mentioned it... Honestly, it sounds fishy. I would simply STATE "I'm going with you" if she continues to fight or refuses to go then I would move the investigation to the next level.
rester Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I suggest using this party as an opportunity to get out of your comfort zone and to socialize with people that you normally wouldn't. Think of it as a step towards self-improvement. I'm a shy person and usually try to avoid situations like this, but once I do go I always have a good time. Just make sure to not cling to your wife too much and try to have fun. Ask people what they do outside of choir and you may find you have some things in common with them that your wife didn't know about. Or you might find that talking to people that you have absolutely nothing in common with can still be an interesting and enjoyable experience. Show your wife you're a fun guy again. Research how to make small talk and things like that beforehand if you need a little help. 2
mrs rubble Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 My thoughts were that she considered me dull and that spending time with me in situations where we didn't have the kids or some other distraction was, well, less fun for her than choir regardless of what form I was on. Do you think checking her emails & bugging her car is the right way to go. I don't want to accuse her of anything if it is baseless. As I said, it never really crossed my mind until you mentioned it... No please don't start bugging her car and checking her e-mails. You have that seed of doubt planted in your own mind now (thanks to this forum!) so you're generally going to be noticing her behaviour differently now anyway. I think it's strange that it's an overnight event with a mixed choir and she doesn't want you there!! If it were an all female choir, I'd be less suspicious. I think you should go- tell her you want to have some time out from the kids with her and you're just too proud of her acheivement and you want to be a part of it. Then go along enjoy yourself, and spend time getting to know some of the other's in the choir, I suspect it's more that she doesn't want you to know these people because she has something to hide than you being dull. 1
autumnnight Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 No please don't start bugging her car and checking her e-mails. You have that seed of doubt planted in your own mind now (thanks to this forum!) so you're generally going to be noticing her behaviour differently now anyway. I think it's strange that it's an overnight event with a mixed choir and she doesn't want you there!! If it were an all female choir, I'd be less suspicious. I think you should go- tell her you want to have some time out from the kids with her and you're just too proud of her acheivement and you want to be a part of it. Then go along enjoy yourself, and spend time getting to know some of the other's in the choir, I suspect it's more that she doesn't want you to know these people because she has something to hide than you being dull. Once you become a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Recommended Posts