I spoke to the Ex and I am devastated. Please Help!

[simon_uk]

Well I spoke to the ex. My mother had called (I didnt know) as she was worried about her, they did get on really well. She rang me to ask me not to ask my mum to speak to her, I told her I didnt know she had.

 

Anyway the converstaion had its ups and downs. Basically she said there is no fire in her belly anymore, she is sick of fighting for me. I was selfish and wanted her to find her own life as well as a life with me. Anyhow she got sick of waiting around for me and the spark has just gone and she cant get it back, I got the classic, I Love You but am not In Love with You line. i asked her to marry me, she said no. She said she was hoping for a ring at Christmas and when that didnt come, she lost hope. I told her I was saving it for her 30th (next month) she asked me what it was like, how big it was, what kind of stone etc, in a loving cheery voice. I told her I was going to get her and she laughed, said I was crazy. I tried to be upbeat about things and when things seemed to be going well, it changed and she said she doesnt want those things with me now. We laughed, we cried, we talked. I told her, all of the dreams I had and when and how I thought of her and the future and she broke down, saying why didnt you tell me before. Now its too late. So now I am devastated. She said she really diod want all those things with me and now she doesn't she cant help the way she feels. I know I cant make her change, it is just so sad.

 

Is there hope for us? Please Reply.

 

Simon

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't call her anymore. Don't write her anymore. Don't contact her in any way, shape or form anymore. Block her calls, her emails, her txts, or whatever. She made her break, and now you need to make yours. You need some uninterrupted time to get your head and heart back together - time away from her, and with no contact with her.

 

In this current state of things, there is no chance. You are begging and she is rejecting. A woman will do nothing but run from a guy under those conditions. If you want her to consider running after you, then you'll need to walk away and cut her off in order for that to happen, if it is going to happen at all. Give her something to run after, not away from. If you keep calling/begging she is eventually going to see that as you pushing her into something she doesn't want with you, and she'll lose whatever feelings/respect she has left for you and it will turn to resentment and dislike. Then she'll be demanding you leave her alone.

 

Don't let it get to that point. Walk away now.

[simon_uk]

Thanks for the advice Lucrezia. I know you are right, it is just so hard as you probably know. She says she wants us to be friends becuse she does really like me as a person. I just dont know if i can handle that. The conversation seemed like she was giving mixed signals but I am not sure?

 

I am so upset.

 

Thanks

 

Simon

[Mz. Pixie]

LB is right-

 

I wanted to separate from my husband but he refused to let me go. He wouldn't move didn't want me to move. Called me constantly, I quit answering the phone- he cried everyday and begged me. It did nothing but push me in the other direction. It made me sick. Do not continue to do this. It will not work.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

Don't call her anymore. Don't write her anymore. Don't contact her in any way, shape or form anymore. Block her calls, her emails, her txts, or whatever. She made her break, and now you need to make yours. You need some uninterrupted time to get your head and heart back together - time away from her, and with no contact with her.

 

In this current state of things, there is no chance. You are begging and she is rejecting. A woman will do nothing but run from a guy under those conditions. If you want her to consider running after you, then you'll need to walk away and cut her off in order for that to happen, if it is going to happen at all. Give her something to run after, not away from. If you keep calling/begging she is eventually going to see that as you pushing her into something she doesn't want with you, and she'll lose whatever feelings/respect she has left for you and it will turn to resentment and dislike. Then she'll be demanding you leave her alone.

 

Don't let it get to that point. Walk away now.

the above is exactly the advice I would give you, SIMON_UK. Follow it to the letter.

[EC]

Ai agree with the previous posters. Right now she is thining..I wanted all those things but he didnt want to give it to me so I'm going to show him! So she breaks up with you and now your crying and doing exactly what she wanted you to do. She wants you to feel it.

 

So the more you cry and beg the more she will leave and think to herself yeah he wants it now but too bad because I've moved on.

 

Don't call her, text, see her nothing. Give her exactly what she wanted.

[alphamale]

once you become a crying, begging, pleading, pathetic shell of a man you are finished for good!

 

be aloof, strong, silent and confident of yourself.

[simon_uk]

Thanks for the responses all. It is VERY appreciated.

 

 

Just one other point. The day before we broke up she asked me if I would open a store account for her to buy a bed. Now she has helped me out financially many times so I know she isnt a gold digger or anything, but should I ask for the money? She asked last night how much she owed me but I just said forget it but I really cant afford to pay for it. Also if she texts me and asks me any more favours, how should I respond?

 

 

Thank You so Much

 

Simon

[simon_uk]

UPDATE::::

 

She did text me this is how it went.

 

Her: Sorry to be a pain but can you upate website tonight?

 

Me: I can 't do a proper job as I haven't got time

 

Her: Well you can only do what you can. thanks x

 

Me(stupid again) I will do it properly when I have the time.

 

Her: Ok thanks whilst I am pestering, my email isnt working do you know why? Also do you still want to do my site?x

 

Me: I will do it but give it a while its hard to see your pics. x

 

Her: OK thanks

 

Now i know I shouldnt be in contact with her at all but she messaged me and i want to stay on good terms for the sake of the future. I did try to let her know how busy i am so as to get her wondering as I didnt usually go out much in the week.

 

Good or Bad?

 

Love

 

Simon

[alphamale]

Originally posted by simon_uk

Now i know I shouldnt be in contact with her at all but she messaged me and i want to stay on good terms for the sake of the future.

 

this woman just blew you out of the water and now you are rewarding her by helping her out and trying not to rock the boat becasue of the future? ARE U INSANE?

 

when someone does something bad to you then you must do the same to them. she is starting to put you in the 'friends' cateogry and you are complying like a fool.

 

next time she contacts you for anything you do not respond in any way shape or form.

 

go out and start meeting other women. she will come around once she finds out that you are with someone else.

[simon_uk]

Wow you say it like it is Alpha! Damn! i must admit that does worry me a little! and in the meantime I am worrying she is with somebody else or may find somebody else. :-(

 

Simon

[Butterflye]

I know exactly how you feel...you are trying to stay friend because that means that at least ou still have SOME form of conatact with her. It seems that this is better than nothing. But in a way, I have to agree with the others. Don't contact her. You've told her how you feel right? She knows the deal, she knows you still care for her and you still want her back, what more can you say even if you wanted to?? Everything from your side has basically been said, which means she has the ball in her court now.

 

Again, as a woman ad I'm sure men feel the same, when someon makes themselves soooo available, t's just too easy. It's not necessarily attractive and it really doesn't work to get someone back (said as someone who's tried and equally been on the recieveing end of it).

 

You now need to give her space. She needs to sort out her head and if i remember from your previous thread, you were the only one who was ever really there for her (prob's with the sister and best friend if i remember). If you stop contacting her, she'll feel lonely, she'll remember you, remember what it was like to have you there for her. She'll miss you.

 

I don't really know what to say about the money for the bed. If it weren't for the fact you can;t afford it, i'd say forget it. However, when was the last time you contacted her?? If it was like yesterday, maybe one final mesage to basically say, look, just on a financial matter, not that you're being petty and if it weren't for circumstances you wouldn't bring it up, but you really can't afford it at the moment. Then leave it. If she is dcent, she will reply and you can sort that out. But DO NOT initiate anything other thatn this subject about the money.

 

If she doesn't reply, she is obviously just avoiding paying you back ad you can't forc her to pay you back, so in a way, your money is lost ad you'll have to try and manage.

 

Bu don't contact her, be strong. She WILL contact you! She obviously still cares for you...so let her just ponder on this.

 

Really hope it all works out for you

 

P.S. thank you for the advice in my thread, really helped me, thank you

[simon_uk]

Thanks Butterflye, your post means a lot to me! i am glad I could offer some aadvice but dont really know what else to say as I am in the same position as are most of these loving people here.

 

she did ask me how much she owes me re the bed but i kinda just brushed it off, trying to pretend I wasnt that bothered. At the end of the day she has helped me in the past so maybe I should just forget it. Its just the emails asking me to do her little favours that are bothering me because I cant initiate NC if she keeps msg me for things. its so hard. And like you say if I have the friendship there I have something to work with but if I have nothing then baasically, well i have errrrr nothing! lol but I do understand Alpha's point too, Why should I do anything for her right????

 

God its so hard and confusing, if only men were as much fun in bed, Id be happy with my best mate!!!! :-)

 

Take Care

 

Simon

x

[beatjunkies]

haha yeah sometimes im like "man it'd would easier if i were just to turn gay !" but that will never happen.. i love women too much !! haha.. I would agree with the other posters on here too.. I am in the same situation only my ex has a b/f.. I am thinking if i should talk to her when she calls me or just ignore her for a while.. I am not going to contact her though any more ! I know it sucks but just think at least your not the only one going through it.. I know that doesnt help much haha..

 

take care..

 

peace

[Butterflye]

Haha, I've pondered becoming a lesbian many time recently...I figure at least I UNDERSTAND women...I am one...shame I just don't fancy them!!

 

I think everyone is confused as what to do with no contact when THEY contact you. I have just been thinking about it myself as my ex has said that he will contact me and I too, like you kinda want to keep him as a friend because like you said, otherwise I have nothing to work with!!

 

I have created a 'game-plan' for myself because for me, if I have a plan I can feel more focused, more in control, less completely at a loss, and I'll share it in the hope that maybe it helps you too! (also hope it help you too beatjunkies)...but again, this is just a 'game-plan'...god knows if it'll work or do any good, but hey, here goes.

 

I figure that I can't initate contact. On MY side, there can be NO CONTACT!! However, the aim of no contact is, in a way to help them miss you and to help you get your head sorted, so...WHEN they conact, my rules go like this:

 

- If they contact by msn, don't reply for at least 24 hours and when you do, reply by text...say u were busy, away from the computer..anything, just basically saying your doing stuff with your life

- If they contact by a phone call, don't answer, and in response, dont call back, instead text, but again, not for at least 24 hours

- If they text, again, don't reply (sensing a theme?!?!) but herenot for 48 hours (don't know why i feel text needs longer, suppose it's because with a text they aren't trying to be as direct, hence i suppose i figure they need to wait longer)

- Then, when you do contact them back, keep conversation to a minimum, keep it light, keep it friendly, but don't get emotional or bring up the relationship, because otherise you're 'bothering/confusing/not-helping...basically pushing them away

- Then, again, carry on no contact from your side until they contact you again, and again, don't answer immediately, hough maybe time span's can be diminished!

- However, if they only contact you to try get something, stcking to Alpha's poit, we don't owe them anything anymore, they lost that right now. To have us always there for them, they need to be with us, hence, if she tries, maybe you should just say st like how you can't be expected to just be there for her when is convenient. After all, she wanted to be on her own, she can't expect things to be as they were in the sense of you being there for her how you used to be. Don't act over angry or emotional about this though, just say it as fact, because if u get emotional, they'll know you're only doing it to 'get-back' at her, because ur still hurt. You need to sound as calm as possible and that will make it seem less like an insult and more like just plain simple truth.

- If they do bring up the relationship, say that you understand their decision, that maybe they were right, that they are great peopl but maybe not good for you.

 

These are only things I'm saying in regards to my relationship ad also, thinking into how with one of my past relationsips, the guy (who basically did all the things wrong I've done and we are all doing wrong) could have mabe made me lok twice at him again. How he could have salvaged my respect and maybe made me think twice about whether this was the decision I want to make.

 

Women can get jealous and if you mke out that you're slowly beginning to move on, maybe thinking the relationship was not as amazing as you thought it to be, it can make them want to prove you wrong. I'm not saying in ALL cases, but all I know from past experiences and from all the message here on LC is that you cannot put yourself down for them. YOU know that you are a good person to be with, you just have to remind them how wonderful you are and exaclty what they're missing out on, and as Merin put in my thread, they can't miss you if you don't take yourself away!

 

As a final point though, I believe that if we are meant to be with someone (maybe not forever, but if something more should happen with two people and the course has not run fully between them) something will hapen to allow this to occur. I am a great believer in love!

 

All the best Simon

 

P.S. Don't worry about her being with someone new. Most people follow two courses when theyve just had a major breakup like this, they either (1) can't even face the thought of being with someone else because they still need to sort themselves out, or (2) if they do go with someone else, it is normally just for a quick 'pick-me-up', an ego boost, and usually, just sex. While this may not help, it at least means that they are not emotionally involving themselves with that person and nothing is likely to come of it, so ty not to think in those terms of her finding someon new. She obviously still cares for u and there is obviously stuf still to be sorted for both of you, you don;t need jealousy clouding up your already raw emotions!!

[simon_uk]

Great post Butterflye!

 

I agree with everything you say. To be honest at the moment I am thinking, yeah ok, I screwed up and I did some things you werent happy with but hey, so did you. If you don't want to be with me, I am not going to beg you to be. I am worth more and at the end of the day it is your loss too! I am worth more than people telling me how wonderful I am and how much they love me and then leaving me because I dont feed her insecurites, thats your problem. Maybe thats why she is doing this, to sort out her own problems and good for her! Throuigh thick and thin, thats what I say, there were many a time when I had enough and thought about ending it but then I worked through it. I thought why am I feeling this way or that way, I thought about her good points and sorted out my issues because at the end of the day I love her. I couldn't leave somebody I love unless it was something I could not forgive her for, e.g cheating.

 

The funny thing is, she left her husband after a year of marriage (they were together 4) because he loved her too much and never ever got angry with her. He was too soft and too much in love with her for her liking. She has left me because I am the opposite which is what she loved about me so much. Because she didnt get her own way. Now she feels neglected and feels like she was up my arse and in my face too much. Yeah and why do you think I wasn't as loving as you wanted? Because I was smothered! She needs to find a man who is directly in between me and her ex husband, which narrows the field a little for her I would think?

 

I asked her the other day if she still fancied me and she said, I fancy your body and love your bum but I cant remember your face!!!!! What it has only been four days!!!!!! Is this just her way of dealing with it, put me out of her mind? Or is she just being hurtful! Either way F*ck her! If she wants me come get me if not, so what!

 

Simon