My girlfriends ex is dead but still a huge part of her life

[jvillena7]

My girlfriends ex died two years ago, but he remains a big part of her life. In fairness, they were friends for much longer than they were in a relationship. They were friends in high school, dated for a little bit (less than a year around the age of 20), then broke up and remained extremely close friends afterwards. She's 27 now and he died two years ago. She took his death extremely hard and still does. She continues to mention great times they used to have (as friends) and his pictures are all around her apartment. She remains very close with his family and intends to remain this way forever.

 

We've been dating for 6 months but have known each other for much longer. I love her so much and I know she feels the same way about me, but this situation really bothers me. I can't tell if I'm being selfish or normal to feel this way. I know they didn't date long at all compared to how long they were friends, but all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature (not over the top or anything like that) so I hate having to see that everywhere. He's been her phone background for two years so every time she opens her phone, I see his picture.

 

Am I being incredibly selfish here? I want to be considerate here. It bothers me to have to see the pictures all the time, but she lost a close friend. My feelings must be less than nothing compared to her loss. I haven't told her how I really feel about all this because I feel bad. Am I being a jealous little bitch that should get over this, or should I talk to her about how it bothers me that this guy is such a huge part of her life?

[PegNosePete]

It's terrible what happened and she has my sympathies but she is not ready for a new relationship. She needs to be single until she is over what happened.

[Gaeta]

If it was a female friend would you think differently? Your gf and this man dated 7 years ago and this for a very brief period. You think about her and him being intimate together, she doesn't.

 

How was her dating life before you? Did she date since her friend died?

[evanescentworld]

My girlfriends ex died two years ago, but he remains a big part of her life. In fairness, they were friends for much longer than they were in a relationship. They were friends in high school, dated for a little bit (less than a year around the age of 20), then broke up and remained extremely close friends afterwards. She's 27 now and he died two years ago. She took his death extremely hard and still does. She continues to mention great times they used to have (as friends) and his pictures are all around her apartment. She remains very close with his family and intends to remain this way forever.

 

We've been dating for 6 months but have known each other for much longer. I love her so much and I know she feels the same way about me, but this situation really bothers me. I can't tell if I'm being selfish or normal to feel this way. I know they didn't date long at all compared to how long they were friends, but all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature (not over the top or anything like that) so I hate having to see that everywhere. He's been her phone background for two years so every time she opens her phone, I see his picture.

 

Am I being incredibly selfish here? I want to be considerate here. It bothers me to have to see the pictures all the time, but she lost a close friend. My feelings must be less than nothing compared to her loss. I haven't told her how I really feel about all this because I feel bad. Am I being a jealous little bitch that should get over this, or should I talk to her about how it bothers me that this guy is such a huge part of her life?

 

Could I ask, haven't you posted this before? I'm sure I contributed to a thread not long ago, on this very subject, and the circumstances are uncannily similar (not to say they sound perfectly identical....)..?

[evanescentworld]

I've actually found the thread.

 

There ARE differences, I correct myself.

 

but it may help you read the responses in THIS thread, to evaluate your own position....

[Redhead14]

My girlfriends ex died two years ago, but he remains a big part of her life. In fairness, they were friends for much longer than they were in a relationship. They were friends in high school, dated for a little bit (less than a year around the age of 20), then broke up and remained extremely close friends afterwards. She's 27 now and he died two years ago. She took his death extremely hard and still does. She continues to mention great times they used to have (as friends) and his pictures are all around her apartment. She remains very close with his family and intends to remain this way forever.

 

We've been dating for 6 months but have known each other for much longer. I love her so much and I know she feels the same way about me, but this situation really bothers me. I can't tell if I'm being selfish or normal to feel this way. I know they didn't date long at all compared to how long they were friends, but all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature (not over the top or anything like that) so I hate having to see that everywhere. He's been her phone background for two years so every time she opens her phone, I see his picture.

 

Am I being incredibly selfish here? I want to be considerate here. It bothers me to have to see the pictures all the time, but she lost a close friend. My feelings must be less than nothing compared to her loss. I haven't told her how I really feel about all this because I feel bad. Am I being a jealous little bitch that should get over this, or should I talk to her about how it bothers me that this guy is such a huge part of her life?

 

A loved on who dies, remains in their hearts forever. My fiance of two years passed away two years ago. I still have his picture in my phone and am still close with his family. I am, however, currently in another very satisfying and close relationship with another man. He isn't replacing my fiance. He is special in his own way to me.

 

There isn't always just one, "The One". Each relationship is different and special. Her friend is gone from this world, but not her heart, but she is still able to give what's left of her heart to you, that's a very good thing.

 

Don't reflect on her past, she's apparently trying not to do that herself. Does she show you that she cares for you? If so, enjoy that.

[jvillena7]

If it was a female friend would you think differently? Your gf and this man dated 7 years ago and this for a very brief period. You think about her and him being intimate together, she doesn't.

 

How was her dating life before you? Did she date since her friend died?

 

This is a great question. it would 100% be different if it was a female friend. it would be equally different if they were just friends and had never had an intimate relationship as well. Thats the thing though. They did and thats all i see when i see pictures of him. them remaining extremely close friends aftewards also makes a difference. if we were to move in together, what if she puts his pictures around the apartment. he will remain a huge part of her life and she says that will not change.

 

to answer your other question. she dated a little since him but nothing serious. i'm her first serious relationship since him.

[kendahke]

My girlfriends ex died two years ago, but he remains a big part of her life. In fairness, they were friends for much longer than they were in a relationship. They were friends in high school, dated for a little bit (less than a year around the age of 20), then broke up and remained extremely close friends afterwards. She's 27 now and he died two years ago. She took his death extremely hard and still does. She continues to mention great times they used to have (as friends) and his pictures are all around her apartment. She remains very close with his family and intends to remain this way forever.

 

We've been dating for 6 months but have known each other for much longer. I love her so much and I know she feels the same way about me, but this situation really bothers me. I can't tell if I'm being selfish or normal to feel this way. I know they didn't date long at all compared to how long they were friends, but all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature (not over the top or anything like that) so I hate having to see that everywhere. He's been her phone background for two years so every time she opens her phone, I see his picture.

 

Am I being incredibly selfish here? I want to be considerate here. It bothers me to have to see the pictures all the time, but she lost a close friend. My feelings must be less than nothing compared to her loss. I haven't told her how I really feel about all this because I feel bad. Am I being a jealous little bitch that should get over this, or should I talk to her about how it bothers me that this guy is such a huge part of her life?

 

She is not done grieving the loss. He's still taking up a lot of space both physically and emotionally in her life. You may need to give her a whole lot of space, if not putting the relationship on the back burner, until she's in a place where his pictures are not all over her house.

[PegNosePete]

Don't reflect on her past, she's apparently trying not to do that herself.

By keeping his pics all around her apartment and on her phone background? Sorry I beg to differ. She is reflecting on her past all the time.

 

Of course she will always remember him and he will always be a part of her life and her memories. But if she feels the need to have his face so prominently around her apartment and phone even when seeing the new guy, I think she is not over him and not ready for a new relationship.

[Redhead14]

She is not done grieving the loss. He's still taking up a lot of space both physically and emotionally in her life. You may need to give her a whole lot of space, if not putting the relationship on the back burner, until she's in a place where his pictures are not all over her house.

 

I agree with giving space for the grieving, I do not agree that he should put the relationship on the back burner. If he cares for her enough, it would be important to a developing relationship for him to be able to support her and understand her needs.

 

If the tables were turned and he'd lost a girlfriend to death but he was willing and able to move forward with a new relationship, he would want and expect his new interest to be understanding and respectful of it.

 

It is different than moving on from a hurtful break up where the person is carrying scars from the hurt of that break up and can't get invested in a new relationship. The death is painful but doesn't represent a personal afront that can be projected on to a new person.

 

If it were very soon after the death, I'd say, yes, put a little space between them. But it's been two years, yes, she's still grieving a little but being able to focus on someone new may be a good thing for her and may help her move on now at maybe a quicker pace now.

[Gaeta]

I have a good friend that started dating a widower. His wife had died something like 1-2 years previously. He had pictures of her all over his house and a huge one right in his entrance way which disturbed my friend particularly.

 

She talked to him about it.

 

Turns out he was unaware it bothered her that much. He took down her pictures and kept one in his family room.

 

I think you should talk to her. Often we do things without thinking it may be unpleasant for others. I am sure your gf will understand the importance of living in the moment and to give our full attention to the living.

[Redhead14]

By keeping his pics all around her apartment and on her phone background? Sorry I beg to differ. She is reflecting on her past all the time.

 

Of course she will always remember him and he will always be a part of her life and her memories. But if she feels the need to have his face so prominently around her apartment and phone even when seeing the new guy, I think she is not over him and not ready for a new relationship.

 

YOU think she is not over him. What does SHE think? Have you had a conversation with her about all this? Does she know how this affects you? If you are important enough to her, she will understand and take at least some of them down. If she is standing there looking at all these pictures and dwelling on them, then I might agree with you. They are likely "just there" now. She's not thinking about them and just plain hasn't taken the time to remove them. Just hasn't gotten to it maybe. Does she show you otherwise that she cares for you?

 

I am speaking to you as a woman who has suffered the loss of a Fiance. Everyone is different for sure, but I can say this, that I could not have entered into another relationship at all if I were still grieving the loss on a significant level and if I did, the other person would know I wasn't all in for a new relationship, they'd feel it.

 

You should talk to her about it all in a non-confrontational way.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is an easy one. You need to speak to her directly about this. Tell her you appreciate she lost a best friend, you're sorry for her loss, but you'd feel more comfortable if she kept those photos mostly in private, as you find it a little weird that they dated and she's still displaying photos of him all around.

 

If she says 'oh wow, I didn't think of it like that, I'm sorry it bothers you' and removes most of the photos, changes her background to one of you guys together or something else, then she's probably just not clicked that it would bother you.

 

If she says 'what!? He was my BEST FRIEND, I loved him so much, he's gone and I can't just pretend he was never here, I won't get rid of the photos, if you don't like it then leave me' then she ain't ready for a relationship, period. She's not over him dying.

 

It would make me feel uncomfortable in your position, and I'm quite an open person, I lost my Mother four years back, I miss her and have a couple of photos in my apartment but that's about it, I feel like I'm 'over it' as much as I can be... she doesn't consume my waking thoughts anymore, I only have the occasional dream, I know I'll always love and miss her but I'm moving on with my life like she'd want me to. If it were an ex I'd lost (and sorry, but he IS an ex even if they were friends for longer) I would assume before it even came up that it wasn't appropriate now I'm in a new relationship and remove most of the photos before my boyfriend had chance to bring it up.

 

It's not that she's wrong to still care this deeply... it's just that, if she can't see how it might bother you and won't make even some allowances towards a new relationship which is her future, she isn't done grieving enough to let go.

[d0nnivain]

About 6 weeks after I met the man who is now my husband, my EX died. I was devastated. We had known each other in high school & I knew his family. we dated for about 2 years & had been broken up for about 2 years when he died. As I said to my then new BF I'm not crying because I want him back but I am crying because I want him to be alive.

 

I do still talk about him. A painting he did for me still hangs over the fireplace in my living room. DH knows this & is OK with it. Occasionally people will come over & comment about the artist, my deceased EX. DH has met his family & I still keep in touch with my EX's son, a relationship DH encourages.

 

Your GF's EX will always hold a place in her heart. If you can't handle that, you need to walk away. You can't dictate how she feels or ask her to suppress a part of herself.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Your GF's EX will always hold a place in her heart. If you can't handle that, you need to walk away. You can't dictate how she feels or ask her to suppress a part of herself.

 

There's a huge difference between him holding a place in her heart, and her keeping photos of him and her together all around her apartment, having him as her phone background, and talking about him all the time. Anybody can see that.

 

If taking some photos down and keeping just one or two up, and changing her phone background is too difficult for her to do and makes her feel that OP is trying to change how she feels or ask her to suppress herself, she isn't ready to be dating.

 

The fact your husband met your deceased ex's family shows that you were over it enough to be ready to date again. I doubt the OP's girlfriend is going to be introducing the OP to her late ex's family any time soon, it doesn't seem like she's really 'there' with him yet.

 

Would your husband have been okay if there was a photograph of your ex in every room of the house, you brought up up daily, and every time he used your phone he saw your ex staring back at him?

[d0nnivain]

acrosstheuniverse -- there are differences between the OPs situation & mine. I was already over my EX before I met my husband. It was his death that shook me. In the immediate aftermath for about 2 weeks it was all I could talk about & I walked around in a fog. DH was great. His compassion was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.

 

The OPs GF does not seem like she is fully over the deceased or ready to date again but he still can't force her to speed up her healing grieving process.

[preraph]

You reserve a place of love for a deceased. It's only natural. That doesn't mean she isn't ready to find love again, though it could be the case. But don't expect her to remove what little she has left of him. I have dead friends that I will always keep their photos up because it's all I have of them and memories.

[acrosstheuniverse]

acrosstheuniverse -- there are differences between the OPs situation & mine. I was already over my EX before I met my husband. It was his death that shook me. In the immediate aftermath for about 2 weeks it was all I could talk about & I walked around in a fog. DH was great. His compassion was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.

 

The OPs GF does not seem like she is fully over the deceased or ready to date again but he still can't force her to speed up her healing grieving process.

 

I can understand that it would have absolutely shook your world, and your husband sounds a wonderful and compassionate man. For him to be supportive without showing an ounce of jealousy or concern, is a wonderful trait.

 

But with you saying 'he will always hold a place in her heart, if you can't handle that you need to walk away' it seemed like you thought the issue was the boyfriend not being able to handle that her ex had a place in her heart. I don't think it's that, I think he's okay with the fact that he meant a lot to her and always will. I read more that he's concerned that she's still keeping so many photos of him around, still talking about him all the time. I know he said it made him feel jealous to see the guy's photo knowing they were intimate but he seems quite a rational, reasonable person, I got the sense he was okay with her feelings of loss and how much the guy meant to her, but he was concerned that something wasn't right with how much of a huge part in her life the deceased guy still plays.

[jvillena7]

I can understand that it would have absolutely shook your world, and your husband sounds a wonderful and compassionate man. For him to be supportive without showing an ounce of jealousy or concern, is a wonderful trait.

 

But with you saying 'he will always hold a place in her heart, if you can't handle that you need to walk away' it seemed like you thought the issue was the boyfriend not being able to handle that her ex had a place in her heart. I don't think it's that, I think he's okay with the fact that he meant a lot to her and always will. I read more that he's concerned that she's still keeping so many photos of him around, still talking about him all the time. I know he said it made him feel jealous to see the guy's photo knowing they were intimate but he seems quite a rational, reasonable person, I got the sense he was okay with her feelings of loss and how much the guy meant to her, but he was concerned that something wasn't right with how much of a huge part in her life the deceased guy still plays.

 

acrosstheuniverse, you are 100% correct here

[d0nnivain]

Something isn't "right" about the situation. I'm not trying to tell the GF how to feel because her emotions are neither right nor wrong. I am telling the OP that the reality of his situation is that he either has to accept what his GF is doing with all the pictures & the chatter or walk away. He cannot tell her to take the pictures down or shut up about the deceased. He just can't. Even in the kindest words, it's still a lousy thing to say (but an understandable thing to want because you can't compete with a ghost)

 

 

I'm sure my DH was a bit jealous but he did have the good sense to suppress that in my immediate grief. If I was still hung up on my deceased EX two years later I doubt my husband would have been so understanding.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I am telling the OP that the reality of his situation is that he either has to accept what his GF is doing with all the pictures & the chatter or walk away. He cannot tell her to take the pictures down or shut up about the deceased. He just can't. Even in the kindest words, it's still a lousy thing to say (but an understandable thing to want because you can't compete with a ghost)

 

Hmm, I respectfully disagree. It could be that she just hasn't got round to removing the pictures, she might not even have clicked that it might bother the OP, there could be many reasons she still has all of his photos around.

 

It could be that when he mentions it, she realises it bothers him and willingly takes down most of the photos, changes her phone background etc. I just think that if the choice is end an otherwise happy relationship, or give her at least the chance to make things work, then having the conversation with her is worth a shot.

 

I know if I was doing something that was upsetting a boyfriend of six months, I'd rather he tell me what it was so I could consider whether to change it or not, rather than lose him by him walking away.

 

He doesn't have to 'tell her to take the pictures down', he just has to talk to her, honestly, and tell her it bothers him. It's up to her whether to take them down and keep the relationship, or refuse to and lose the OP as her boyfriend. I suspect if she says she won't take them down and gets overly emotional about it, she wasn't really ready to be dating anyway and so the relationship ending would probably be for the best.

[Rainbowlove]

all I see when I see his picture is a guy that used to bang my girlfriend. I'm kind of a jealous person by nature

 

I think this is your problem more than hers. Not only are you jealous...over a dead guy...you are insecure beyond reason.

 

Yes, you are selfish. Yes, you are being a little bitch over it.

 

If YOU cannot let go of the dead guy in her life than I say let her go.

 

Don't make her missing her friend, her problem. It's yours.

 

Obviously, she loved him and you feel like you can't compete with a dead guy.

 

If you were secure, it wouldn't bother you at all.

[me85]

She doesn't need to be in a RS. 2 years is not nearly enough time to fully grieve the death of a loved one a person was very close to. I'm really sorry but you and her have only been dating 6/7 months and I know you say you've known her a while but still...maybe the best thing is to stop seeing each other and just remain friends if it's possible to do that.