CALOVELY Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 OP here... I just wanted to say thanks for all of your replies. I suffer from depression (runs in my family), so my emotions sometimes get the best of me. Sometimes it's hard to assess the situation of a relationship from the inside, so asking people from the outside (all of you) helps me see what is really happening. You guys made great points, and it opened my eyes. It sounds like I guess I am in the wrong and need to change my thinking, and I am okay with that. Thank you all for being critical and not holding back any thoughts lol. It took guts to come back after the responses you got. I give you a lot of credit for that. It is good that you are open to opinions from others and are willing to take them to heart. Sometimes we just need others to open our eyes to things we do not see. I wish you all the best with your relationship. He sounds like a great guy. 2
acapelo_dp Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I see absolutely nothing wrong with what your boyfriend is doing. He isn't cheap, he is smart with his money. It sounds like you don't pay for things, or offer anyways so why should he be the one spending money for example on a tour he doesn't want to do? Why didn't you offer to pay some? I think you are being over dramatic about it. He works hard for his money and he doesn't want to waste it. Smart guy!
Redhead14 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Background So I have been in a long distance relationship with my BF for 2 years now. He recently graduated from graduate school with a Masters of Science degree in software engineering and got a half-time job which pays $30 an hour. He is trying to be full-time. Recently, we decided that we wanted to take it to the next level, so he is about to move closer to where I go to college at. He has saved $12,000 for the move and has already paid $600 for the plane ticket here. I'm a college student with my own apartment where my rent and living expenses are being paid for thankfully by my dad. I don't have a job atm.... but I will try to get one once I graduate from college. With the background aside... I wanted to express some of the reasons why I think my BF is cheap... and is too cautious about his spending... Scenario 1 When we decided to move closer together, he suggested that we should share the same apartment. I don't believe that a couple that is not married should live together. I have friends who have broken up once they shared the same apartment, and I don't want that to happen to us. He continued to insist that if we moved in together, he could help my dad pay for the rent by paying half. He also explained that because of that, we'd have extra spending money to go on dates and that sharing the same apartment was the financially smart thing to do. But I am firm in my beliefs... and finally... he decided to get his own apartment instead. I admit that he will most likely be at my apartment for most of the time anyways, but my beliefs are strong, and I feel that I will be ready for us to share the same apartment once we're married. For my bf, his main concern was that it would be smart financially to share an apartment and that my reason was a little silly, but I don't think it should be all about the money. Scenario 2 The previous year, we went on a road trip and came across an old country town that had unique clothing stores, food places, and jewelry shops. A street-performer stopped us, and handed us a brochure advertising that there were $30 tours being given by tour-guides later in the day. I really wanted to go on this tour but he expressed that it was a waste of money. His reason was that we could have our own "private" tour by ourselves around the town instead, and that it would be more fun without a tour-guide. I wanted to go on this tour because the tour-guides would explain about the history of the town. My BF however didn't want to go and said that $30 was too much for a tour. I told him that he should stop worrying about money and to let loose a bit. Scenario 3 For his new apartment, he wanted to buy some kitchen supplies such as pots, pans, spoons, and forks. He suggested that we go to a thrift shop because they usually have good deals on kitchen supplies. I expressed that I thought that was gross and that he needed to change and stop being cheap. He told me that he was just using "strategy" and was being smart about his spending. He insisted that as long as you wash the kitchen supplies, it is perfectly fine to use and that it was a good deal... But even for essentials such as kitchen supplies... my bf insists on buying used supplies. It's annoying. Conclusion I do love my bf, and care about him... but I just feel that he sometimes worries too much about his money for such small things. The other day, he had a long distance call with his friend which he later realized cost him $7. He calmly mentioned how that fee sort of bugged him. Don't get me wrong, my bf buys me awesome gifts for Christmas, my birthday, valentines day, and our anniversary, and I appreciate that a lot.... it's so sweet, but I just wish that he would just stop caring so much about his spending. I think he needs to change. Do you guys think that he is being cheap? You need to get on the same page about money and spending habits. You said it yourself "worries too much about his money for such SMALL THINGS". He's spending HIS money on YOU and spends money on BIG THINGS like Christmas and birthdays. The reason he has money is because he's careful with it. If you two ever do get married, you better be careful with it too.
FitChick Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 OP, what are your career plans and would your degree pay a decent wage?
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Your father is paying your bills. You know very little about how to support yourself. My father would have lost his mind if I said I expected him to cover my rent while I lived with my BF. Since you are in college without a job, hold off on moving closer to your BF. Let him earn money & continue to save. Wait until you get work or start looking for work closer to him. If he moves now, you both will have to move again when you graduate. If you wanted to go on the tour, you should have paid for the tickets. I like thrift shops & shop in them but . . I agree with you that thrift shop cookware is . . . icky. My first cookware was used but it was my grandmother's. When I bought my own house I did wait for a sale & a coupon before I bought "good stuff."
preraph Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He's not cheap. He's just kind of new to money and he's had to be frugal. And honestly, if he doesn't keep being frugal, he won't hang onto his money. Sounds like you need to get off him about it. As long as he's paying for nice dates and keeping his bills paid and paying off any school loans and got something to drive, he's good.
FitChick Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 If I saw an All Clad pot or pan in a thrift shop, I'd grab it! You just wash it before you use it. You buy clothes don't you? Chances are other people have tried them on. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He's not cheap, he is savvy. However, if I were he I would prefer to see you on your own two feet financially before thinking of moving in together due to the fact that it appears you two may well be totally incompatible. As in - he is savvy/thrifty and you are not. 3
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Background So I have been in a long distance relationship with my BF for 2 years now. He recently graduated from graduate school with a Masters of Science degree in software engineering and got a half-time job which pays $30 an hour. He is trying to be full-time. Recently, we decided that we wanted to take it to the next level, so he is about to move closer to where I go to college at. He has saved $12,000 for the move and has already paid $600 for the plane ticket here. I'm a college student with my own apartment where my rent and living expenses are being paid for thankfully by my dad. I don't have a job atm.... but I will try to get one once I graduate from college. With the background aside... I wanted to express some of the reasons why I think my BF is cheap... and is too cautious about his spending... Scenario 1 When we decided to move closer together, he suggested that we should share the same apartment. I don't believe that a couple that is not married should live together. I have friends who have broken up once they shared the same apartment, and I don't want that to happen to us. He continued to insist that if we moved in together, he could help my dad pay for the rent by paying half. He also explained that because of that, we'd have extra spending money to go on dates and that sharing the same apartment was the financially smart thing to do. But I am firm in my beliefs... and finally... he decided to get his own apartment instead. I admit that he will most likely be at my apartment for most of the time anyways, but my beliefs are strong, and I feel that I will be ready for us to share the same apartment once we're married. For my bf, his main concern was that it would be smart financially to share an apartment and that my reason was a little silly, but I don't think it should be all about the money. Scenario 2 The previous year, we went on a road trip and came across an old country town that had unique clothing stores, food places, and jewelry shops. A street-performer stopped us, and handed us a brochure advertising that there were $30 tours being given by tour-guides later in the day. I really wanted to go on this tour but he expressed that it was a waste of money. His reason was that we could have our own "private" tour by ourselves around the town instead, and that it would be more fun without a tour-guide. I wanted to go on this tour because the tour-guides would explain about the history of the town. My BF however didn't want to go and said that $30 was too much for a tour. I told him that he should stop worrying about money and to let loose a bit. So why didn't you pay for it? Scenario 3 For his new apartment, he wanted to buy some kitchen supplies such as pots, pans, spoons, and forks. He suggested that we go to a thrift shop because they usually have good deals on kitchen supplies. I expressed that I thought that was gross and that he needed to change and stop being cheap. He told me that he was just using "strategy" and was being smart about his spending. He insisted that as long as you wash the kitchen supplies, it is perfectly fine to use and that it was a good deal... But even for essentials such as kitchen supplies... my bf insists on buying used supplies. It's annoying. Why did you buy him a new set of All Clad pots and pans? Conclusion I do love my bf, and care about him... but I just feel that he sometimes worries too much about his money for such small things. The other day, he had a long distance call with his friend which he later realized cost him $7. He calmly mentioned how that fee sort of bugged him. Don't get me wrong, my bf buys me awesome gifts for Christmas, my birthday, valentines day, and our anniversary, and I appreciate that a lot.... it's so sweet, but I just wish that he would just stop caring so much about his spending. I think he needs to change. Do you guys think that he is being cheap? You two are fundamentally incompatible in the area of money and finances. This relationship is going to have a short shelf life. You need a man who is either already well established in his career or is independently wealthy and money is no object for him. Aside from the fact that you're not even owning your own keep. Your dad is paying your way, therefore you can afford to look down your nose on how your boyfriend view expenses because you're not having to manage your own. You just send the bill to daddy. He doesn't have that kind of luxury to be dismissive about the cost of things and it's really, really unfair of you to expect for him to have your view.
preraph Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) My first three pans were a very old iron skillet from my mom that I somehow managed to burn up but replaced; a good saucepan from my mom that we used the whole time I was growing up that she gave me, that I still use constantly; and a Teflon omelet pan that the guy who helped me move into my first rent house went and got out of a shed of people he knew, which I still use. These pans have outlasted countless new pans I haven't gone through since then. That sauce pan has to be at least 60 years old and it's the greatest. As for thrift shops, I once took a limo to a thrift shop in Hollywood. Nothin' wrong with thrift shops. My most spectacular slips I had in my 20s were vintage from Goodwill in the 1970s, and they're so pleated and gorgeous, I kept them just to look at them once in awhile. I got a lot of my clothes vintage before stores started hogging them all for resale. Some eras of old stuff are better than new stuff, I think. Edited January 14, 2015 by preraph
pteromom Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I am with you on the pots and pans. Eww. Neither of you is wrong or right. You are just different. The real answer to whether your relationship has a shot is whether you can compromise and negotiate on this stuff. The tour for instance. If you really wanted to go, he could have considered going ahead and doing it. For you. Even though the cost bothered him. What concerns me more than him being "cheap" is him being stubborn. THAT is a recipe for breakup. You have to be willing to take a deep breath and let him be frugal about things that aren't that big of a deal to you (and quit calling him cheap because that isn't nice.) And he has to be willing to get out of his spending comfort zone once in a while to let you indulge on something that makes you happy. 1
AMusing Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Totally agree with almost every other response here: your bf is not cheap (or, at least, your scenarios provided give no evidence that he's cheap). And I respect the fact that you apparently listened & responded maturely after posters here overwhelmingly disagreed with you. Not many people would've. I'm surprised people here think that buying used pots/pans/silverware is "disgusting." Sure, new is nice, but calling used pots "disgusting?!" The utensils the OP's bf bought were probably used by a single family before him, and he can clean them thoroughly himself before using them. Compare that with a restaurant, where hundreds-thousands of people have used them before you, and the dishwasher's attention to cleanliness isn't guaranteed. Do y'all refuse to go out to eat, too? 3
MissBee Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) How does a marriage certificate make living together any easier? Your logic makes no sense to me. If living together is going to produce problems and issues when unmarried, you can bet your bottom dollar those exact same issues will come up when you're married. You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive..? PegNose, in every thread when people bring this up as a sidenote to their larger question, why do you ignore the entire rest of their problem and focus on whether or not they want to live together before marriage or not? That's not her question. It just seems odd to always chastise people about this or make this the issue when they haven't asked for input on that. In any event regardless of if she believes in living together before marriage or not, it is impractical IMO for her to move in with him if she doesn't make her own money. THAT to me is a recipe for disaster. If both of them are financially independent and joining finances, fine. But I don't think if your dad pays your rent and bills you should be moving in with your boyfriend. Anyway, OP, your boyfriend doesn't seem cheap to me. He seems thrifty, which isn't the same. I know cheap. I hate cheap. So believe me if he sounded cheap I'd tell you. Cheap for me is a guy who always counts dollars and cents and is also very stingy. Your boyfriend isn't stingy. He buys you lovely gifts and it seems that he just prefers to make smart financial choices. All the cases you've brought up were him strategizing how to get the best deal but it doesn't seem like he does it in the same way a cheap person would. You also haven't really said how you contribute (why didn't you just treat him and yourself to the tour?) You don't pay for your own living expenses which is fortunate. I don't judge you for it. Lots of parents will support their child financially once they are in school so they can just focus on school and they do it with the idea that they will eventually graduate and support themselves. This is wonderful. But, that said, maybe having everything paid for by someone else makes you more lax about money versus your bf who has to pay everything for himself. So try to understand it from that point of view and if you want to do something he doesn't want to pay for, pay for it yourself or treat him! Edited January 14, 2015 by MissBee
Els Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 OP here... I just wanted to say thanks for all of your replies. I suffer from depression (runs in my family), so my emotions sometimes get the best of me. Sometimes it's hard to assess the situation of a relationship from the inside, so asking people from the outside (all of you) helps me see what is really happening. You guys made great points, and it opened my eyes. It sounds like I guess I am in the wrong and need to change my thinking, and I am okay with that. Thank you all for being critical and not holding back any thoughts lol. Happy to hear that you're open towards taking in feedback and changing your perspective. All the best!
orangetree Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I have to agree with many others here- Your boyfriend doesn't sound cheap at all, he sounds like a great intelligent guy. You on the other hand sound extremely spoiled. I also went to university (obtained Bachelor's and Master's) and I worked the entire time besides studying. I never wanted to be dependent from my parents. If you want your dad to pay for your life that's fine, but apparently you don't know the value of money because of this. For you it's easy to spend since it's not your own money. Your bf even saved up a lot of money from that small salary he has, just to live close to you. Edit: Just saw you already answered. Good for you
Versacehottie Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 It took guts to come back after the responses you got. I give you a lot of credit for that. It is good that you are open to opinions from others and are willing to take them to heart. Sometimes we just need others to open our eyes to things we do not see. I wish you all the best with your relationship. He sounds like a great guy. I agree that he does sound like a great guy. I do think that you got the majority of responses that were critical of your point of view on his spending. I actually do think in relation to your own standards on spending he IS cheap. By that I mean, that you just are far on the spectrum from each other in terms of way you choose to spend money and how you look at it and spend it. I agree with the others that it's not your place to tell him what to do with his money. However, as with every aspect of whoever you are in a relationship with--it's normal to evaluate it and at some point you ask yourself if it makes sense to keep investing in a relationship where this would continue to be an issue. Especially if the topic of living together came up, even if you are not doing it now, having discussed it means you're a relatively serious couple and planning some sort of future together. I'm sure someone can pull up the statistic that money is a top reason couples break up. I like that you are willing to see if you are being unrealistic. It's good to always check that. When I read your post, I agree with why would you live together before marriage. That's more than a money decision for you it's a decision that how you want to conduct your life. You don't want to just make the decision based on money. I agree with you. Neither of you is wrong--you just have really differing view points on this. As a couple this will probably come up many more times: he will want to spend with practicality in mind and you will want to spend for experiences that you value and what feels right to you. This is not unsurmountable but you can't expect things to work out without compromise on both ends. It can't go all your way or all his way without one person feeling completely unheard and disrespected. I also agree with you about the used utensils. Gross and pointless. Of course, he's right that you wash and they are then clean but how thrifty can you be!! A new set at target or a place like that is not that much. Truthfully neither of you is wrong--but will you ever be able to come to an area of agreement or will it be such a struggle that is will affect the relationship and your love for each other. I can see it taking a toll. Oh and i agree about the tour for $30--sounds like you will constantly be trying to get him to relax and use his money for fun or make experiences, more dreamy type uses. Whereas he is uber responsible and spends with great thought and potentially get annoyed with your irresponsibility in his view. How to resolve and is is resolvable and worth resolving that's what you really need to be asking yourself? I think more like you do and know if i was that far away in thinking about spending from my boyfriend, it probably will not work in long run. You just need to find a balance or someone that is not too extreme opposite than you about spending (he may be this). He does sound nice and some responsibility is great!! good luck
Recommended Posts