PrincessXeno Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Background So I have been in a long distance relationship with my BF for 2 years now. He recently graduated from graduate school with a Masters of Science degree in software engineering and got a half-time job which pays $30 an hour. He is trying to be full-time. Recently, we decided that we wanted to take it to the next level, so he is about to move closer to where I go to college at. He has saved $12,000 for the move and has already paid $600 for the plane ticket here. I'm a college student with my own apartment where my rent and living expenses are being paid for thankfully by my dad. I don't have a job atm.... but I will try to get one once I graduate from college. With the background aside... I wanted to express some of the reasons why I think my BF is cheap... and is too cautious about his spending... Scenario 1 When we decided to move closer together, he suggested that we should share the same apartment. I don't believe that a couple that is not married should live together. I have friends who have broken up once they shared the same apartment, and I don't want that to happen to us. He continued to insist that if we moved in together, he could help my dad pay for the rent by paying half. He also explained that because of that, we'd have extra spending money to go on dates and that sharing the same apartment was the financially smart thing to do. But I am firm in my beliefs... and finally... he decided to get his own apartment instead. I admit that he will most likely be at my apartment for most of the time anyways, but my beliefs are strong, and I feel that I will be ready for us to share the same apartment once we're married. For my bf, his main concern was that it would be smart financially to share an apartment and that my reason was a little silly, but I don't think it should be all about the money. Scenario 2 The previous year, we went on a road trip and came across an old country town that had unique clothing stores, food places, and jewelry shops. A street-performer stopped us, and handed us a brochure advertising that there were $30 tours being given by tour-guides later in the day. I really wanted to go on this tour but he expressed that it was a waste of money. His reason was that we could have our own "private" tour by ourselves around the town instead, and that it would be more fun without a tour-guide. I wanted to go on this tour because the tour-guides would explain about the history of the town. My BF however didn't want to go and said that $30 was too much for a tour. I told him that he should stop worrying about money and to let loose a bit. Scenario 3 For his new apartment, he wanted to buy some kitchen supplies such as pots, pans, spoons, and forks. He suggested that we go to a thrift shop because they usually have good deals on kitchen supplies. I expressed that I thought that was gross and that he needed to change and stop being cheap. He told me that he was just using "strategy" and was being smart about his spending. He insisted that as long as you wash the kitchen supplies, it is perfectly fine to use and that it was a good deal... But even for essentials such as kitchen supplies... my bf insists on buying used supplies. It's annoying. Conclusion I do love my bf, and care about him... but I just feel that he sometimes worries too much about his money for such small things. The other day, he had a long distance call with his friend which he later realized cost him $7. He calmly mentioned how that fee sort of bugged him. Don't get me wrong, my bf buys me awesome gifts for Christmas, my birthday, valentines day, and our anniversary, and I appreciate that a lot.... it's so sweet, but I just wish that he would just stop caring so much about his spending. I think he needs to change. Do you guys think that he is being cheap? Edited January 14, 2015 by PrincessXeno
CALOVELY Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 No, I do not think he is cheap, I think he is smart. He is a recent graduate with a part time job and does not have a father paying his way. 23
Els Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 To be honest, you sound rather spoilt and entitled to me (and I don't throw the E-word around lightly). Did it occur to you that the whole reason your bf was able to relocate to be with you in the first place, despite your inability to contribute financially to his move, was that he had saved up a lot of money by being thrifty? If he hadn't been cautious with his expenses, chances are you two would still be long distance because he wouldn't have had that nest egg that enabled him to move to you. That being said: Scenario 1: You are within your rights to say no, but he was within his rights to ask. Scenario 2: If you really wanted the tour that badly, why not pay for it yourself? Or did you offer to pay and he still didn't want to go? Scenario 3: It's his apartment, not both of yours (because you said 'no' to moving in together, remember?), so he should buy whatever he likes for his kitchen. 18
MissTrudy Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I agree with other posters. You are the one with the problem, not him. 9
SycamoreCircle Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He sounds resourceful, thrifty and intelligent. That said, I do think you have a point about moving in together. It can seriously change a relationship. When you remove the entrances and exits to the stage, the characters and plot start to stale. I found that out the hard way. I also think that even though his point about the organized tour is perfectly valid, if he is the type of person who will never indulge you your extravagances, that can be a real annoyance. My mother always told me that as a person ages the characteristics of their personality becomes more concentrated. So, if you believe that, take what you are seeing now both in yourself and your SO. Down the road, those qualities will amplify.
Els Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I also think that even though his point about the organized tour is perfectly valid, if he is the type of person who will never indulge you your extravagances, that can be a real annoyance. She already said that "my bf buys me awesome gifts for Christmas, my birthday, valentines day, and our anniversary". So I do think he indulges her, she just expects to be indulged ALL the time, which isn't very realistic for two fresh grads.
coolheadal Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Wow your have very good BF there who know how be smart with money. What he's doing holding out. I do the same thing he's doing. He's not cheap, but wants the money he has to last longer. You need to understand why he does and look at the benefits you get nice gifts for the holiday's because he tight with his money that's why. You should be very proud of him for doing so. As for moving in he's just trying to save money again. He should respect your wishes for him not to move in now. Again he's thinking to save money.
hoping2heal Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Hi PrincessXeno, No, I do not think your boyfriend is being cheap. You have described that you have the luxury of not having to work while you attend college, and additionally, someone else pays for your rent and living expenses. Your boyfriend on the other hand, has had to save for what he has. You think he is being cheap because you don't have the same financial situation as he does. It is easy to say "oh I think we should go on a $30 tour" at the drop of a hat when it is someone else's money you're spending. Likewise, it is easy for you to tell your boyfriend to just get his own place vs. sharing one when you have your rent completely paid for you. He did try to tell you that by living together there would be more money for extras, but as you pointed out "you were firm in your beliefs". OK, well, now your boyfriend cannot afford certain things comfortably so you cannot have it both ways. It is pretty admirable that he saved up 12K just to relocate to be near you but rather sad that you would come on this board and accuse him of being cheap. 5
xxmusical Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I also agree with the others that your bf is not cheap. In fact, calling your bf cheap is quite hurtful. In case you haven't noticed, he just finished his masters, is supporting himself with a part-time job, and have saved enough money to move closer to you. While him wanting to move in with you so he could save up more money is a smart idea, you are right to stand by your belief. But which part of this scenario makes him "cheap"? Ouch. Did you offer to pay for half of the tour? How about when you two are out on dates? Or do you usually have him pay everything? You two have very different values on money. Did you two start out as a LDR right from the start? How often do you see each other?
rocketman122 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Id throw u to the curb. Spoiled and ungrateful as u are Just by reading your post and your name as "princess" says it all to me. I think only a matter of time till he walks away. Then id say he isnt only thrifty, hes extremely smart. 6
katlover Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I disagree with you on scenario 1 and a little bit of 2 but number 3..? scenario 1. I think it would be wise for the both of you to live together because that would save a lot of money (1 month rent can hit your pockets hard), but like you said you have strong beliefs of not living together until your married. So I don't think he is being cheap here he's just being smart. scenario 2. Perhaps he should've payed for the tour, but you should have not pressured him into buying the tour guide as you have no say in this. scenario 3. I agree that buying used kitchen utensils is straight up disgusting.. It doesn't cost that much more for new ones.. So I think he can be a little cheap sometimes but.. you cannot really judge him as you have no right to
Rydo Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I think number 1 is the dumbest... who gets married to someone they haven't even lived with yet? 2
Purepony Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I like this guy I really think he's smart and looking out for himself financially, hell I wish I could be like that but my 69 Camaro needs an ls crate engine >
PegNosePete Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I don't believe that a couple that is not married should live together. I have friends who have broken up once they shared the same apartment, and I don't want that to happen to us. How does a marriage certificate make living together any easier? Your logic makes no sense to me. If living together is going to produce problems and issues when unmarried, you can bet your bottom dollar those exact same issues will come up when you're married. You wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive..? 2
Omei Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) You have no say in your man's money. When he comes over there hes going to be supporting you like your father until you get work and pull your own weight you have no say in anything with money, and how its spent. How dare you call him cheap? When you dont contribute my guess is he pays for everything you guys do and will be doing together. And not living together before marriage is a good first step towards getting divorced in the first year, I hope he doesn't marry you till you're equals it wouldnt be wise. I too think its only a matter of time till he walks away. Edited January 14, 2015 by Omei
BluEyeL Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He is not cheap, but he is a saver and you are a spender. You have to think about the future and see if you are OK with marrying a man who may later lower the thermostat temperature below what you're comfortable with, make you always walk and never take a taxi on trips, and other stuff like that. It's not that he is cheap, but he puts a lot of weight on saving and maybe less on comfort and proceed only if you are comfortable with that. If not, find a man who is more of a spender. I disagree with the others about living together before marriage being a must. Statistics show that cohabiting couples divorce at a higher rate than those who didn't live together before marriage. At my age, I don't care about marriage, so I'd live with a man, but if I were younger, I don't think I would have. 2
PegNosePete Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Statistics show that cohabiting couples divorce at a higher rate than those who didn't live together before marriage. Source please?
veggirl Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Honestly try paying for all of your OWN bills before judging how your bf spends his money. none of your examples make him sound cheap. he needs to worry less about spending money? are you crazy? do you even have any money of YOUR OWN? how do you think he saved up 12k to move? by spending all his money? good lord. Edited January 14, 2015 by veggirl 3
BluEyeL Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Source please? "According to statistics gathered by US Attorney Legal Services, living together before getting married doesn't accomplish the goal that couples think that it will. A couple who does not live together prior to getting married has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years. If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent." 1
PegNosePete Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) A quick google search reveals many studies that show the opposite. Cohabiting does not make the relationship more likely to fail. The main reason for that statistic being flawed is that "within 5 years" is taken from the date of marriage, not the date of cohabitation. Does living together before marriage lead to divorce? - HowStuffWorks https://contemporaryfamilies.org/cohabitation-divorce-brief-report/ Cohabitation Doesn't Cause Divorce, After All Edited January 14, 2015 by PegNosePete 2
BluEyeL Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 "According to statistics gathered by US Attorney Legal Services, living together before getting married doesn't accomplish the goal that couples think that it will. A couple who does not live together prior to getting married has a 20 percent chance of being divorced within five years. If the couple has lived together beforehand, that number jumps to 49 percent." However, now that I did some googling, it seems that newer studies show that in fact there is no difference in divorce rates between cohabiting partners and those who move into marriage right after dating if instead of taking just nubmers into account, you adjust the statistics by taking into account the age of moving together or marrying. In other words, moving in together doesn't protect marriage, but also doesn't hurt it. What it seems to matter is having the maturity to share life with someone, i.e. couples who move in together OR marry young have a higher divorce rate than those who marry/move in together when they're older.
veggirl Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 omg I just saw that he only works part time too! So 20 hours a week at $30/hour? So he makes $600/wk, less taxes etc, takes home probably $450/week? and still managed to save up 12k to move with you and buy you extravagent gifts? And you think he's cheap. Geesh. 1
BluEyeL Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 A quick google search reveals many studies that show the opposite. Cohabiting does not make the relationship more likely to fail. The main reason for that statistic being flawed is that "within 5 years" is taken from the date of marriage, not the date of cohabitation. Does living together before marriage lead to divorce? - HowStuffWorks https://contemporaryfamilies.org/cohabitation-divorce-brief-report/ Cohabitation Doesn't Cause Divorce, After All Personally, I don't want to get married before moving in together with someone (or get married at all for that matter, it's all the same to me). But that's for personal reasons: I don't want to get through an official divorce for a second time, I don't want to be "locked in" and have trouble leaving if I want to, I don't want to be taken for granted because there is a paper in place, I will not have any more children to benefit from married parents...stuff like that. But I'm 43 and divorced. I don't think cohabiting will protect me against divorce though, it just seems marriage is not that beneficial at this stage.
Author PrincessXeno Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) OP here... I just wanted to say thanks for all of your replies. I suffer from depression (runs in my family), so my emotions sometimes get the best of me. Sometimes it's hard to assess the situation of a relationship from the inside, so asking people from the outside (all of you) helps me see what is really happening. You guys made great points, and it opened my eyes. It sounds like I guess I am in the wrong and need to change my thinking, and I am okay with that. Thank you all for being critical and not holding back any thoughts lol. Edited January 14, 2015 by PrincessXeno 7
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Haha! No. Not cheap at all! By the way, I don't think he really wants to live with you to 'save money'... I think he wants to live with you because he loves you and wants to share his life with you. And the guy is moving to be near you, right? He's spending THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS to move to be near you, and you won't even allow him to move in with you. There's no way I'd move to be near a partner, so far from my own life, unless we truly were about to start a life together under the same roof. You have a right to your own views on marriage and cohabitation but please don't use his statement that living together would 'save money' as gospel... he's trying to argue for a good, logical reason to live under one roof to try and persuade you. He's giving up everything to be near you, and spending a bomb, what actions are you taking to show him that you're serious about him too? Because I can't see any so far. And the other stuff... you can't sit there and have your life funded by your parent and then make judgements on how he spends his money. Even if I had all of the money in the world I wouldn't see any reason to waste money on new furnishings if I could get decent second hand stuff. He has to be careful with money because he's an independent adult, and money issues can his those of us who pay for ourselves at any time. For example, since I got my new job last September I've been saving really hard and almost managed to save a thousand dollars. So proud of myself because I've always been pretty poor with money, but I'm proud of myself for now being able to build up my own little buffer against emergencies instead of having to get into debt or try and borrow money from someone like when I was living on minimum wage. My car broke down a couple days ago and I had to spend all by 100 dollars getting it fixed so I could keep running it and getting to work, so I'm back down to zero. It's just how it goes, peaks and troughs you can't understand until you've felt that gnawing feeling of not having enough money to go around. Having said that, from your latest reply (just now, before this post) it seems you have an open mind, aren't openly defensive to the point of blinkers, and are willing to relook at your attitudes and acknowledge when you're wrong. Those are some great traits to have in a relationship and traits SO rarely seen on this board. So be proud of yourself for that.
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