bootyboot Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Am I emotionally unavailable? 31 yr old female living in NYC and never have had a serious relationship. My life is great except I can’t make anything work out in my dating life. Have had lots of casual relationships, the longest lasting 9 months. Never has a man said they loved me or vice versa. Always some new guy in my life as I get a lot of interest from men. I'm cute and funny and a fun girl to be around and guys like my company. But somehow I manage to sabotage anything that could be good and have lots of regrets with guys that I "acted up" with. Most of my "relationships" started with a guy I’m not that into pursuing me, then I'd get drunk on our 1st/2nd/or 3rd date and hook up because I didn't really want to be 100% mentally present and didn't care if he never called again or not. They are nice to me until we sleep together a few times and then the power completely shifts. When they start to lose interest or drop me suddenly, I start chasing them as they’ve become more interesting to me. It usually turns into a half-relationship for a few days/weeks/months until he does the fade. Then I abruptly end it verbally or it implodes by me overreacting to something. A lot of them look like relationships from the outside (we go on dates, go to dinner/drinks, weddings, work events, I get house keys, meet friends/family etc.) but sex is also always involved. Anytime I've gone with a guy that seems nice and actually interested in getting to know me, I blow him off because it feels boring. Lately I just go for the ones that are half-interested from the start as I'm older, more lonely, yet even more aloof when dealing with men. I have a hard time trusting and am scared of getting hurt again. I’m so over being this way but can’t seem to stop repeating this pattern over and over! It's really sad and embarrassing and I hate myself for it. I'm disgusted that I allow men to disrespect me, and I have accepted unacceptable behavior that I know is wrong, even when it gets to the point of me being pathetic and desperate. I even dated a guy 5 months that never actually kissed me! Lately, I took a 7 month break from dating to work on myself, then got involved with two guys that ended in disaster. One I though had potential for something real finally, but turns out he was a serial dater who was great at charming women. These are not healthy dating habits I have, I realize that, but does it mean I'm emotionally unavailable? I'm scared I'll never change although I managed to terminate the latest two disasters because I knew they were going in the usual direction. So that might be a good sign that I didn't pursue the guys or drag it out, even though I really liked one of the guys? I really want to change and be open to love, I just don't know how! Also, my father was an alcoholic who died of cancer a few years ago, and he was the only major male presence in my life growing up. Never had good understanding of connecting with men.
amaysngrace Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I'm not a psychiatrist but if I had to guess I'd say that growing up with an alcoholic father brought shame into your life. And if that's the case you still may be carrying some of that around with you.
losangelena Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 As a woman who can be closed off emotionally, I understand where you're coming from. I don't think being emotionally unavailable is the worst thing in the world, and not insurmountable. I think a lot of people are, and they don't even try to be in relationship or try and work through their issues. So being aware of the issue is a good start. My dad wasn't an alcoholic, but he was pretty emotionally distant. I also grew up extremely overweight, and that's given me a lot of residual shame. I go to therapy once a week to work through it all, but it's meant that at 34, I'm just now dipping my toe into the relationship pool. It's very easy for me to have unattached sex as well. I know I didn't give you a lot of useable advice—just wanted to reiterate that you're not alone in feeling this way.
Ebelskiver Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 It sounds like you could really benefit from some therapy. I go, it's great. They can help you find patterns that you may not be aware of. Also, they help yoiu fix those patterns. With your upbringing you may also have some borderline personality tendencies. Maybe you can read up on that and see? Finally, dating is Hell for everyone. I don't know when it happened but no one seems really interested in building connections anymore. Or it's just very hard to find the ones that do. Wait to sleep with any guy you're dating. I don't have any moral objection to sex right away, I've just found that waiting allows you to get to know the person better, to see if their legit before you become more emotionally invested.
Recommended Posts