Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Okay everyone, I confronted the other friend and she said that "well we've hung out before" aka before I met him. But apparently they did so while trying to set him up with some friend they have, but it's not like they are doing it again because the girl they tried to set him up with is actually in a relationship now and she wasn't even with them. Either way, they weren't close friends to begin with, so I don't think this justifies their actions any more. They never went out just the three of them without the other girl, except on occasions when they went to the coffee shop he manages (I have always been completely OK with this and no, they werent there last night, they were basically driving around). What do you guys think?
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This thread is basically a repeat of so many threads on this forum; there is someone who is upset that their BF or GF is talking with a member of the opposite sex or with an ex. I guess it just comes down to perspective. In my social circles, there has always been a lot of friends with members of the opposite sex because in music it is very easy to form friendships making music together. We hang out after concerts and spouses cannot always come. There are music festivals that spouses are not a part of etc. So to me it is very different to see the reactions of many on this forum. I just come from a different world altogether I guess! I come from the music world too, so does my boyfriend! Classical orchestras, metal bands, wind bands, touring the world, touring the country, rock bands... never played music together but both very much grew up in that environment. We both have plenty of friends of both genders. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at him going to get coffee with a girl friend of his, and I regularly see my male friends both with my boyfriend and without. The thing that's weird and bothering the OP, I think, and what would bother me, is that... these two people aren't friends. They know one another through the OP, they are acquaintances at best, so why are they going out of their way to hang out with one another? Maybe they hit it off as friends, but it would still be inappropriate to start hanging out one on one without the OP included, at least for many months, years, until they've built up their own real friendship through time spent as the three of them. And most people with social intelligence would make sure the OP was okay with it first, because it just is strange. When my best friend and I get new partners, we're excited to get to know them, we make a real effort to include them, but it's hanging out as a group. At most, there are a handful of facebook messages or texts between her boyfriend and I, or her and my boyfriend, usually to do with planning surprises or arranging something. But I would find it strange if they suddenly casually met up without me. I'd probably wonder if they were developing a crush on each other. If OP had a problem with her boyfriends seeing his own female friends, then that'd be another issue all together! But that's not the issue here. It's that he's seeing her best friends, and she isn't included. In an ideal world nobody would ever care about these things, nobody would feel jealous or possessive, nobody would see gender, just potential new friends to hang out with. But as much as people on this board advocate for that, it isn't how social norms work in our society, yet. And it's the norm for this behaviour to bother someone, I think. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 What do you guys think? Did the second friend basically respond in the way you suggested, with a defensive 'well we did it for this reason' or did they actually make an effort to acknowledge your feelings and try to understand why it bothered you?
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This thread is basically a repeat of so many threads on this forum; there is someone who is upset that their BF or GF is talking with a member of the opposite sex or with an ex. at first blush, it would seem like it was like that, but with more information coming from OP, it's really more about her friends going behind her back to ask her boyfriend to go hang with them after OP told them she couldn't make it and him being so dim as to think it was OK to do it. If her girls said when they talked to her at 8p "hey, would you care if dude went for coffee with us--perhaps you can meet up with us later on?", this may have been a completely different thread or not here at all. But they waited 3 hours after knowing that she couldn't join them to ask him to come hang out. OP was treated like an afterthought by all of them. THAT is the problem.
bachdude Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Okay everyone, I confronted the other friend and she said that "well we've hung out before" aka before I met him. But apparently they did so while trying to set him up with some friend they have, but it's not like they are doing it again because the girl they tried to set him up with is actually in a relationship now and she wasn't even with them. Either way, they weren't close friends to begin with, so I don't think this justifies their actions any more. They never went out just the three of them without the other girl, except on occasions when they went to the coffee shop he manages (I have always been completely OK with this and no, they werent there last night, they were basically driving around). What do you guys think? I'm going to stay out of this! But I wanted to apologize for being hard on you! I am understanding the situation better now.
bachdude Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I come from the music world too, so does my boyfriend! Classical orchestras, metal bands, wind bands, touring the world, touring the country, rock bands... never played music together but both very much grew up in that environment. We both have plenty of friends of both genders. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at him going to get coffee with a girl friend of his, and I regularly see my male friends both with my boyfriend and without. The thing that's weird and bothering the OP, I think, and what would bother me, is that... these two people aren't friends. They know one another through the OP, they are acquaintances at best, so why are they going out of their way to hang out with one another? Maybe they hit it off as friends, but it would still be inappropriate to start hanging out one on one without the OP included, at least for many months, years, until they've built up their own real friendship through time spent as the three of them. And most people with social intelligence would make sure the OP was okay with it first, because it just is strange. When my best friend and I get new partners, we're excited to get to know them, we make a real effort to include them, but it's hanging out as a group. At most, there are a handful of facebook messages or texts between her boyfriend and I, or her and my boyfriend, usually to do with planning surprises or arranging something. But I would find it strange if they suddenly casually met up without me. I'd probably wonder if they were developing a crush on each other. If OP had a problem with her boyfriends seeing his own female friends, then that'd be another issue all together! But that's not the issue here. It's that he's seeing her best friends, and she isn't included. In an ideal world nobody would ever care about these things, nobody would feel jealous or possessive, nobody would see gender, just potential new friends to hang out with. But as much as people on this board advocate for that, it isn't how social norms work in our society, yet. And it's the norm for this behaviour to bother someone, I think. OK, I can see it. I can't say it would bother me terribly, but I can see the perspective.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I'm going to stay out of this! But I wanted to apologize for being hard on you! I am understanding the situation better now. Thank you for this. 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 In the end, I can't help feeling like a ba person. I think I was too hard on him. I don't want to be the girl that gets mad over every move he makes, I do trust him an I don't know why I feel all this rage. I know he is sorry and understands what I didn't like, but I just wish he wouldn't even WANT to be there with them in the first place. I never interfere when he goes out with his male friends. I did spaz out once when he went out with a suspicious girl (it was a college friends outing) but I did apologize and see the wrong in my reaction. But I don't want to be that person, I don't want to ruin every one of my boyfriends fun going out days, just because something bothers me, I don't want to fight him over things like this, but on the other hand he isn't telepathic, and knowing myself I know I will be passive aggressive about it. I always try to stay calm an just voice my concern without accusing, but then he'll make a comment of some sorts or try and justify his actions with something that just drives me crazy. I want to be a better person to him, how can I evaluate future problems with him without causing a huge argument and end up scolding him? I can't play cop forever, but no matter how much I tell myself I'll handle it better next time, I get so caught up in the fight it looks more like war than two people trying to make it work... He's much calmer in this area, but will sometimes provoke me on purpose. How do I control the way I react?
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Did the second friend basically respond in the way you suggested, with a defensive 'well we did it for this reason' or did they actually make an effort to acknowledge your feelings and try to understand why it bothered you? Defensive once again...
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I think giving some background information would be helpful. I'm a good girlfriend to my boyfriend. I know all his friends and closest social group. His work allows him to come into contact with numerous people over his working hours, and this has never been an issue for me. I support his wishes and descisions. We made it clear from the beginning that neither of us could allow or forbid the other to do or not do something, ultimatums weren't an option and we have both respected that. However, that does not mean us not voicing our displeasure and concerns to each other about certain situations. He admitted to being wrong on this, but still justifies it as being innocent. To me it's beginning to look a lot like they (my 2 friends) did this pretty much single-handedly. First, they offered to drop him off at his coffee shop (he had to go for work reasons) and then after he got in the car they decided they'd go for coffee or drinks or I dont know what at another place first. I'm not controlling, but I have had arguments with him once or twice, when I've been concerned or uncomfortable with a certain situation. I have apologized according to the situation and we have moved past that. I have explained to him that I don't want to be the person that calls the shots in his life, he is free to do what he wants, as am I, keeping in mind the ways certain things could affect my relationship. But right now I'm being my own critic and I do think that maybe I did give him too much of a hard time. I don't want to make him feel terrible, but I do want him to know he has hurt me with his ways. I'm just concerned that maybe my actions speak louder than words and that I might some day scare him away or into thinking that I have to know EVERYTHING about his life. I don't, but at times when someone completely random who I've never even heard of or situations like yesterday's do happen, I do feel threatened... I DO want to be the best person I can to him, of course with hope that it will be reciprocated although I have yet to test his boundaries as he has mine, because he is the one with the most active social life. So once again, how do I stop myself from causing full-on arguments when it can be avoided and it just comes down to contolling myself?
Gaeta Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 So can I know now how your 2 friends got your boyfriend's phone number if they are just acquaintances?
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 So can I know now how your 2 friends got your boyfriend's phone number if they are just acquaintances? It's a small city, and basically everyone knows everyone. Getting a phone number or already having it isn't the hardest thing in the world... Let alone that it's plastered on every poster for the events the coffee shop has.
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