Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Thank you everyone for your replies. I did receive an invite from my girlfriends at around 8pm, and then they went on and called him knowing that I couldn't join any of them. He took up on that offer and only asked me if I was okay after he'd already said yes. Of course I wouldn't start drama and let everyone know I'm pissed off with him, that's immature. But this DOES bother me. I would never go out with his friends knowing that he couldn't join us, WHY would I do that? I am offended, I truly am. The two girls are two of my best friends, we attend the same classes and have been friends for 4 years now. This, though is a new low for all three of them. How could they offer and how could he be so eager to go out with people he barely knows without me?
LostOnes05 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Yea, no idea why they would call him after you turned them down. That's rather sneaky. You might want to at least reevaluate the social intelligence of all three. Deep down I was hoping you'd say, "oh yeah, my birthday is next month" or something.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Yea, no idea why they would call him after you turned them down. That's rather sneaky. You might want to at least reevaluate the social intelligence of all three. Deep down I was hoping you'd say, "oh yeah, my birthday is next month" or something. I did confront all three about it. I don't know if it was smart of me to do so, but I didn't do anything dramatic, I just told them I wouldn't go out with their boyfriends if I knew they couldn't join me, and same goes to him and his friends. No one really put up a fight but they did make needless comments like "We weren't screwing, we just hung out.", stupid and immature if you ask me. Anyway, it's settled with my girlfriends, just not so much with him.
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Thank you everyone for your replies. I did receive an invite from my girlfriends at around 8pm, and then they went on and called him knowing that I couldn't join any of them. He took up on that offer and only asked me if I was okay after he'd already said yes. Of course I wouldn't start drama and let everyone know I'm pissed off with him, that's immature. But this DOES bother me. I would never go out with his friends knowing that he couldn't join us, WHY would I do that? I am offended, I truly am. The two girls are two of my best friends, we attend the same classes and have been friends for 4 years now. This, though is a new low for all three of them. How could they offer and how could he be so eager to go out with people he barely knows without me? Yeah... they're a problem. I would be more pissed off with him if this was all his bright idea and he's the one who called them up to hang out, but they instigated this mess. In my world, friends don't do this to friends. Frenemies do this kind of mess... keep that in mind. Your boyfriend is obtuse for not knowing when to chill on the invites, but your girls know your feelings and IMO, what they did really breached the boundaries of friendship. Keep an eye on them and keep your thoughts and feelings about your boyfriend to yourself from now on--certainly do not open your heart to these two. I don't get the feeling that they are really your friends, despite how long you've known each other.
bathtub-row Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This would seriously piss me off. The biggest thing is that he didn't invite you. He gave you a clue about his character and where he's at emotionally when he said what he did about missing the thrill of the chase. Sometimes, relationships are about timing. Meaning that people meet and end up marrying when both parties are done playing around. Your bf isn't even close to being done playing the field. I know it will hurt, but cut him loose and let him get back to chasing. This issue will never go away, otherwise. You never know, if it's meant to be, the two of you may come back together sometime down the road. Right now, it appears that the timing is all wrong.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I feel very hurt and offended, I don't quite know how to handle this with him. Advice?
maysj18 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I feel very hurt and offended, I don't quite know how to handle this with him. Advice? Girl, I don't know what to tell you. I would feel betrayed like you. Tell me though: what are these girls like as people? I have some girl friends who I love dearly, but I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I have a friend who has the weird jealousy aspect about her and goes after married/taken men to see if she can get with them. It's not even something I think she realizes she can do, I've just put the pieces together. Again, afriend I don't "trust" but I do love to spend time with because she's fun. So yeah, what are these girls like? It sounds like you don't trust either of them from what you've said. If that's the case, they have some explaining to do. I'd meet with the one you're the closest to and ask the hard questions. If these are good girlfriends, it could totally just be a mistake on their part and in which case you should approach them more friendly and just explain how it hurt your feelings. For the guy, I hate to say it but this relationship would be dead at this point. I know it hurts and it sucks, but you're going to be hurt much worse if you continue to stay with him when he's obviously not "excited" enough with how things are. That sort of admission usually leads to cheating, so be careful!
Scaatys2014 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 If I were in your shoes hun, I would stay classy. I would be very honest and say the whole scenario bothered me. His reaction will show you what you need to do. If he's genuinely inept and meant no harm, let him make it up to you. If he has a "whatever" attitude about it, let him fade away because clearly he's a douche and there are far better men out there. As for your "friends", there are plenty of better ones of those too! What twits! Big hug.
bachdude Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Thank you everyone for your replies. I did receive an invite from my girlfriends at around 8pm, and then they went on and called him knowing that I couldn't join any of them. He took up on that offer and only asked me if I was okay after he'd already said yes. Of course I wouldn't start drama and let everyone know I'm pissed off with him, that's immature. But this DOES bother me. I would never go out with his friends knowing that he couldn't join us, WHY would I do that? I am offended, I truly am. The two girls are two of my best friends, we attend the same classes and have been friends for 4 years now. This, though is a new low for all three of them. How could they offer and how could he be so eager to go out with people he barely knows without me? You said in your opening post at 11 pm, None of them consulted me or asked me to come along.. Now you say they asked you at 8 pm to come along. And you said he never consulted with you but now you say he asked you if it was OK for him to go. Anyway... Did you say yes, he could go? He did call you up and ask. Perhaps he said yes and then on more reflection thought it would be best to check with you. What difference does the order make? Are you sure your friends called him after they called you? Sounds like your friends all wanted to go out together. You said no, he said yes. This sounds all very out in the open. It wasn't done in secret. And I smell a big misunderstanding with your friends and a lot of drama. People have many different perspectives on being friends with members of the opposite sex and just because you would not do what he did doesn't mean everyone else must follow those same ideas. And keep in mind, they went out for coffee! Scandal! Edited January 14, 2015 by bachdude 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 You said in your opening post at 11 pm, None of them consulted me or asked me to come along.. Now you say they asked you at 8 pm to come along. And you said he never consulted with you but now you say he asked you if it was OK for him to go. Anyway... Did you say yes, he could go? He did call you up and ask. Perhaps he said yes and then on more reflection thought it would be best to check with you. What difference does the order make? Are you sure your friends called him after they called you? Sounds like your friends all wanted to go out together. You said no, he said yes. This sounds all very out in the open. It wasn't done in secret. And I smell a big misunderstanding with your friends and a lot of drama. People have many different perspectives on being friends with members of the opposite sex and just because you would not do what he did doesn't mean everyone else must follow those same ideas. And keep in mind, they went out for coffee! Scandal! Wow, you are really persistent. You could go back and read my opening post and notice where I said, and I quote "None of them consulted me or asked me to come along, he mentioned they intended 'to come pick me up too' but only after he noticed I am less than pleased about this.". None of them did ask me about this. The girls asked me out at 8 pm, I said I couldn't go and they dropped it. They called my boyfriend at 11 and asked if he wanted to go out, and he said yes. Their invitation to me never said "Call your boyfriend and come along with us.", it was more like "do you want to come along?" and I said I can't. He asked me if I wanted to come along only after he was already in the car with them, and he knew I had already said no to their previous invitation. So no, it was not a big useless drama by my side, it was a huge indecent thing to do by all three of them. But if I'm the crazy, psycho, delusional girlfriend because I actually look out for my relationship and any red flags then so be it.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Girl, I don't know what to tell you. I would feel betrayed like you. Tell me though: what are these girls like as people? I have some girl friends who I love dearly, but I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I have a friend who has the weird jealousy aspect about her and goes after married/taken men to see if she can get with them. It's not even something I think she realizes she can do, I've just put the pieces together. Again, afriend I don't "trust" but I do love to spend time with because she's fun. So yeah, what are these girls like? It sounds like you don't trust either of them from what you've said. If that's the case, they have some explaining to do. I'd meet with the one you're the closest to and ask the hard questions. If these are good girlfriends, it could totally just be a mistake on their part and in which case you should approach them more friendly and just explain how it hurt your feelings. For the guy, I hate to say it but this relationship would be dead at this point. I know it hurts and it sucks, but you're going to be hurt much worse if you continue to stay with him when he's obviously not "excited" enough with how things are. That sort of admission usually leads to cheating, so be careful! I think you very well explained how I feel about these two. They have history with men in different situations but I don't necessarily think they would do that to me. Either way this bothers me, and when I did mention it to one of the girls she got visibly pissed off saying "We weren't ****ing, just hung out." which is right about the stupidest comment you can make. I don't know, really. I'm still mad at everyone. If I were in your shoes hun, I would stay classy. I would be very honest and say the whole scenario bothered me. His reaction will show you what you need to do. If he's genuinely inept and meant no harm, let him make it up to you. If he has a "whatever" attitude about it, let him fade away because clearly he's a douche and there are far better men out there. As for your "friends", there are plenty of better ones of those too! What twits! Big hug. Thank you, hugs back.
Diezel Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 How is everything "cool" with your female friends but you don't know how to handle it with him? They are all equally "guilty". Hell, your female friends probably more so than him. If my girlfriend was hanging out with my male friends, you'd bet your ass that my GOOD friends would actually let me know what is happening in advance. And yes, it has happened to me before. I always knew what was going on.
hoping2heal Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I don't know, I'm surprised so many people have commented with the likes of "chill out". I guess I would find it totally bizarro if I were dating a guy and 2 of my friends decided to go out with him but not invite me. I mean and in that, I can't really imagine calling up the guy my friend is dating and being like "let's go out but not with X, who is also your girlfriend" lol. I must really be old fashioned because I find the whole thing ridiculous. 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I don't know, I'm surprised so many people have commented with the likes of "chill out". I guess I would find it totally bizarro if I were dating a guy and 2 of my friends decided to go out with him but not invite me. I mean and in that, I can't really imagine calling up the guy my friend is dating and being like "let's go out but not with X, who is also your girlfriend" lol. I must really be old fashioned because I find the whole thing ridiculous. I do, too. Thank you.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 How is everything "cool" with your female friends but you don't know how to handle it with him? They are all equally "guilty". Hell, your female friends probably more so than him. If my girlfriend was hanging out with my male friends, you'd bet your ass that my GOOD friends would actually let me know what is happening in advance. And yes, it has happened to me before. I always knew what was going on. I'm sorry, I failed to see your post earlier. Things are definitely not "cool" with anyone, it's not like I forgot what they did or how each of them handled it, but I don't think I'm really in a position where I can start getting angry especially at my girlfriends because I know they will later ridicule me for being "jealous" of them when in reality it's they who are wrong. It's 3 vs 1 at this point and I really can't cause myself anymore distress. But you bet I'll make a mental note and they all will pay their dues, as psycho as that sounds.
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I would find this totally weird. I dated a guy who after exclusively dating me for 3 months ran into my best female friend on the street and invited her to get a drink. Then they grabbed dinner. It turned out into a 5 hour hang out. After it was done he told me about it like it was perfectly normal. Now they only met twice through me and this just felt off. After I told him that it bothered me, he accused me of being paranoid and that he is just a friendly guy. After we broke up for unrelated reasons, my best friend showed me all these flirty texts from him that neither of them told me about. She tried to justify it that nothing ever happened and she didn't won't me to worry. She is no longer my best friend. What he did wasn't right. Listen to your gut. 1
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 The girls asked me out at 8 pm, I said I couldn't go and they dropped it. *They called my boyfriend at 11 and asked if he wanted to go out*, and he said yes. Honey---THIS is the problem. That phone call should never have been made by them to your boyfriend. All of them are in the wrong and you need to quit giving your girls a pass because if they had been real and true friends, the thought of going in behind you to ask your boyfriend to go out with them would never have happened. It's a rare woman who thinks it's ok to go ask her BFF's man to go hang out with her and another of your friends at 11p after her BFF told her that she can't make it, unless she was after him. Here is the question you need to answer for yourself: whose relationship would you rather do without: theirs or his?
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry, I failed to see your post earlier. Things are definitely not "cool" with anyone, it's not like I forgot what they did or how each of them handled it, but I don't think I'm really in a position where I can start getting angry especially at my girlfriends because I know they will later ridicule me for being "jealous" of them when in reality it's they who are wrong. It's 3 vs 1 at this point and I really can't cause myself anymore distress. But you bet I'll make a mental note and they all will pay their dues, as psycho as that sounds. This isn't an issue of you being jealous. The issue is them doing something highly inappropriate. You have every right to be offended by what they did because what they did was offensive. You need to ditch them. They do not mean you any good. That doesn't mean you do anything psycho--it means you stop dealing with them and find a new set of friends who have a way more balanced moral compass. Also, an adage I go by: "the guilty make the most noise". When your friend reposted with "we weren't effing", she revealed to you her true intention. She's after your guy--that's why she reached for that non sequitur instead of saying "you know, you're right. I shouldn't have asked your man to go with us when you couldn't make it. I'm sorry". That is what should have come out of her mouth. Edited January 14, 2015 by kendahke
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I would find this totally weird. I dated a guy who after exclusively dating me for 3 months ran into my best female friend on the street and invited her to get a drink. Then they grabbed dinner. It turned out into a 5 hour hang out. After it was done he told me about it like it was perfectly normal. Now they only met twice through me and this just felt off. After I told him that it bothered me, he accused me of being paranoid and that he is just a friendly guy. After we broke up for unrelated reasons, my best friend showed me all these flirty texts from him that neither of them told me about. She tried to justify it that nothing ever happened and she didn't won't me to worry. She is no longer my best friend. What he did wasn't right. Listen to your gut. Honey---THIS is the problem. That phone call should never have been made by them to your boyfriend. All of them are in the wrong and you need to quit giving your girls a pass because if they had been real and true friends, the thought of going in behind you to ask your boyfriend to go out with them would never have happened. It's a rare woman who thinks it's ok to go ask her BFF's man to go hang out with her and another of your friends at 11p after her BFF told her that she can't make it, unless she was after him. Here is the question you need to answer for yourself: whose relationship would you rather do without: theirs or his? This isn't an issue of you being jealous. The issue is them doing something highly inappropriate. You have every right to be offended by what they did because what they did was offensive. You need to ditch them. They do not mean you any good. That doesn't mean you do anything psycho--it means you stop dealing with them and find a new set of friends who have a way more balanced moral compass. Also, an adage I go by: "the guilty make the most noise". When your friend reposted with "we weren't effing", she revealed to you her true intention. She's after your guy--that's why she reached for that non sequitur instead of saying "you know, you're right. I shouldn't have asked your man to go with us when you couldn't make it. I'm sorry". That is what should have come out of her mouth. Thank you, everyone for your support and bringing me peace of mind knowing my sanity is still intact. I love my boyfriend deeply and have many common interests that keep me close to my friends, so I believe that ending either of those relationships would be a bit dramatic, but I will definitely distance myself. It breaks my heart knowing that I will probably never look at my boyfriend or friends the same after this, it's like I'm losing my relati
Author CoolBurn Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I would find this totally weird. I dated a guy who after exclusively dating me for 3 months ran into my best female friend on the street and invited her to get a drink. Then they grabbed dinner. It turned out into a 5 hour hang out. After it was done he told me about it like it was perfectly normal. Now they only met twice through me and this just felt off. After I told him that it bothered me, he accused me of being paranoid and that he is just a friendly guy. After we broke up for unrelated reasons, my best friend showed me all these flirty texts from him that neither of them told me about. She tried to justify it that nothing ever happened and she didn't won't me to worry. She is no longer my best friend. What he did wasn't right. Listen to your gut. Honey---THIS is the problem. That phone call should never have been made by them to your boyfriend. All of them are in the wrong and you need to quit giving your girls a pass because if they had been real and true friends, the thought of going in behind you to ask your boyfriend to go out with them would never have happened. It's a rare woman who thinks it's ok to go ask her BFF's man to go hang out with her and another of your friends at 11p after her BFF told her that she can't make it, unless she was after him. Here is the question you need to answer for yourself: whose relationship would you rather do without: theirs or his? This isn't an issue of you being jealous. The issue is them doing something highly inappropriate. You have every right to be offended by what they did because what they did was offensive. You need to ditch them. They do not mean you any good. That doesn't mean you do anything psycho--it means you stop dealing with them and find a new set of friends who have a way more balanced moral compass. Also, an adage I go by: "the guilty make the most noise". When your friend reposted with "we weren't effing", she revealed to you her true intention. She's after your guy--that's why she reached for that non sequitur instead of saying "you know, you're right. I shouldn't have asked your man to go with us when you couldn't make it. I'm sorry". That is what should have come out of her mouth. Thank you, everyone for your support and bringing me peace of mind knowing my sanity is still intact. I love my boyfriend deeply and have many common interests that keep me close to my friends, so I believe that ending either of those relationships would be a bit dramatic, but I will definitely distance myself. It breaks my heart knowing that I will probably never look at my boyfriend or friends the same after this, it's like I'm losing my relationship and my support system all at once... But I definitely blame him more, he's a grown man, he should have thought of me and what position he was putting me in, he should have considered my feelings but rather he chose to follow whatever his head told him in that moment, and that hurts more than any invitation my friends could have made.
Gaeta Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I am curious about something. If this had happened to me my first question would be: how did my friends, who only know my bf as an acquaintance, end up with my boyfriend's phone number? 2
kendahke Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 But I definitely blame him more, he's a grown man, he should have thought of me and what position he was putting me in, he should have considered my feelings but rather he chose to follow whatever his head told him in that moment, and that hurts more than any invitation my friends could have made. and they are grown women who have known you longer (and whose loyalty should be so rock solid it can't be moved) and should never have gone behind your back to call and make any offers to your man to go hang out 3 hours after they'd talked to you. 3 hours passing means they must have debated doing it before doing it. That's not a spur of the moment action. I'm not saying your boyfriend doesn't deserve opprobrium, he does. He should never have agreed to go hang out with them unless he was going with you. All 3 of them put you in this position, and as I maintain, your girls had a larger duty to loyalty, being your girls, than your boyfriend. I've had female friends like those in the past and everytime they did something sketchy involving someone I either was dating or interested in, it turned out that they were after the guy. You will learn to drop people like this off at the mall rather than keep toxic people around you. Life is too short to put up with this kind of treatment out of anyone, male or female. And as women, their loyalty should have been towards the sisterhood and friendship with you, not trying to make you out as an out of control, jealous psycho when they were clearly in the wrong no matter how they want to parse it out.
Blade96 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 She's not a controlling psycho - it is weird. I have been friends with this couple I know for 15 years. I have still NEVER hung out with him alone without her along. Wouldn't do it. It's not that she doesn't trust me or trust her own husband, it's just - it is weird. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I would be more annoyed at the friends to be honest. It's just inappropriate, and weird, to go out of your way to hang out with your 'best friend's boyfriend, late on in the evening, without her coming along too. Maybe I am controlling but it would be really weird for me if my best mate did that. If she wanted to see him for some reason, I think she'd run it past me first. 'Hey, *boyfriend* and I are really bored and fancied going on a coffee run... I know you're busy, but would it bother you? Because if it would, I won't go'. Just, my best friends' feelings are of paramount importance to me, making sure I don't accidentally make them jealous or hurt them in any way. It's certainly strange to reach out to see a friend's boyfriend, when you're not individually great friends to begin with, so late at night without the mutual person being there too. The boyfriend sounds like a lost cause, it's only six months and he already misses chasing women. Plus accepting the invite says a lot about his boundaries with you, as well! And that he doesn't seem what behaviour is appropriate or not in a relationship. But the friends would upset me. True best friends can be honest with one another. If you don't feel able to tell them that you're confused why they went out with him and it bothered you, and have an open discussion about what's going on and how you feel and what's going to happen in future, you're using the term 'best friend' very loosely. 1
bachdude Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 This thread is basically a repeat of so many threads on this forum; there is someone who is upset that their BF or GF is talking with a member of the opposite sex or with an ex. I guess it just comes down to perspective. In my social circles, there has always been a lot of friends with members of the opposite sex because in music it is very easy to form friendships making music together. We hang out after concerts and spouses cannot always come. There are music festivals that spouses are not a part of etc. So to me it is very different to see the reactions of many on this forum. I just come from a different world altogether I guess!
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