CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 It is now 11 pm and my boyfriend had the brilliant idea of going out for coffee with two of my best friends (both girls my age). They are merely aquaitances, friends he knows through me at best. They even picked him up at his apartment and will drop him back home, I am more than pissed this is apalling. None of them consulted me or asked me to come along, he mentioned they intended 'to come pick me up too' but only after he noticed I am less than pleased about this. I am furious. What do I do?
LostOnes05 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Chill out...he went out with two of your friends? Maybe a surprise birthday party is around the corner. May they are helping him plan something for you. You don't know and it's too early to tell. Don't jump to conclusions so fast. 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Chill out...he went out with two of your friends? Maybe a surprise birthday party is around the corner. May they are helping him plan something for you. You don't know and it's too early to tell. Don't jump to conclusions so fast. I don't think you see anyone to plan suprises at 11 pm. And there is no such thing coming anytime soon anyway. A few days ago he mentioned he 'misses the thrill' of approaching and seducing someone. We've been dating for 6 months and I'm more than worried to say the least.
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 It is now 11 pm and my boyfriend had the brilliant idea of going out for coffee with two of my best friends (both girls my age). They are merely aquaitances, friends he knows through me at best. They even picked him up at his apartment and will drop him back home, I am more than pissed this is apalling. None of them consulted me or asked me to come along, he mentioned they intended 'to come pick me up too' but only after he noticed I am less than pleased about this. I am furious. What do I do? What is the real issue? Are you jealous, feel insecure, or are you hurt that they left you out? Or maybe all three? 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 What is the real issue? Are you jealous, feel insecure, or are you hurt that they left you out? Or maybe all three? I'm not concerned he would cheat with my friends, but this certainly speaks volumes of him when he goes out with two girls he barely knows at almost midnight, without his girlfriend. If this is to be mentioned at a later conversation (which it most DEFINITELY will) I will be embarrassed to say the least. This looks really bad among my friends, and I don't even know why he would do this without reasoning at all, it's like he could barely wait for the opportunity to present itself. I'm hurt and offended, by my friends for offering such a thing and by him for taking them up on that offer and remembering to "consult" me only after he's agreed. Of course I'm not gonna say back off immediately, I don't want this argument to spread to my friends as well. This is more than inconsiderate of him, and we've had previous conversations where he has expressed his dislike of me going into my (male) friends cars, and now he goes and does this?!
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not concerned he would cheat with my friends, but this certainly speaks volumes of him when he goes out with two girls he barely knows at almost midnight, without his girlfriend. If this is to be mentioned at a later conversation (which it most DEFINITELY will) I will be embarrassed to say the least. This looks really bad among my friends, and I don't even know why he would do this without reasoning at all, it's like he could barely wait for the opportunity to present itself. I'm hurt and offended, by my friends for offering such a thing and by him for taking them up on that offer and remembering to "consult" me only after he's agreed. Of course I'm not gonna say back off immediately, I don't want this argument to spread to my friends as well. This is more than inconsiderate of him, and we've had previous conversations where he has expressed his dislike of me going into my (male) friends cars, and now he goes and does this?! Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't feel my GF had to "consult" with me to go out with someone, like I am their parent or something, especially my friends who I trust. I think you need to take ownership of your own emotions here and stop blaming him for them. Not everyone would be bothered that he went out for coffee with your friends! They didn't even go to a bar or anything and got drunk. They probably went to a starbucks or something and had a little chat. It sounds completely innocent to me.
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't feel my GF had to "consult" with me to go out with someone, like I am their parent or something, especially my friends who I trust. I think you need to take ownership of your own emotions here and stop blaming him for them. Not everyone would be bothered that he went out for coffee with your friends! They didn't even go to a bar or anything and got drunk. They probably went to a starbucks or something and had a little chat. It sounds completely innocent to me. I think consulting would be the respectful thing to do when you decide to go out in the middle of the night with someone who you barely know, but that's just me and my morals.
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I think consulting would be the respectful thing to do when you decide to go out in the middle of the night with someone who you barely know, but that's just me and my morals. To me, your posts come off as incredibly controlling. "Consult"? Seriously?
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 To me, your posts come off as incredibly controlling. "Consult"? Seriously? Yes Seriously. Asking if I was okay with him going out with MY friends in the middle of the night is the decent thing to do. I don't go out with his friends in the middle of the night just because we hang out once every two months.
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yes Seriously. Asking if I was okay with him going out with MY friends in the middle of the night is the decent thing to do. I don't go out with his friends in the middle of the night just because we hang out once every two months. "MY" friends in capital letters no less! It comes off as if you are possessive of your friends too! Love is not possessive, CoolBurn. If your friends and your boyfriend wanted to enjoy each other's company, is there really any harm in it? Do they really have to get your Okay to do this? 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 "MY" friends in capital letters no less! It comes off as if you are possessive of your friends too! Love is not possessive, CoolBurn. If your friends and your boyfriend wanted to enjoy each other's company, is there really any harm in it? Do they really have to get your Okay to do this? Yes. Because love also means respecting each others boundaries.
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yes. Because love also means respecting each others boundaries. Going out with your friends constitutes crossing YOUR boundaries? You would only say this if you were possessive of your friends. CoolBurn, take a good look at yourself here. 2
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Going out with your friends constitutes crossing YOUR boundaries? You would only say this if you were possessive of your friends. CoolBurn, take a good look at yourself here. I took a look at myself long before I came to post on here. At this point I'll agree to disagree and won't start attacking your sanity, unlike yourself. Thanks anyway.
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I took a look at myself long before I came to post on here. At this point I'll agree to disagree and won't start attacking your sanity, unlike yourself. Thanks anyway. You came here looking for input and I called it like I see it.
Scaatys2014 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hmmm, not to stir the pot but I would be a bit put off by his poor judgement for sure. Had the tables been turned, I'm sure a woman would come off looking like a tramp for taking up a late night offer from another guy when she has a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a bit old school...... I would make my boundaries clear for sure. That being said, 6 mos is still very new for a relationship. If he can't respect you now, what makes you think he will in another 6 mos. Your friends included. What they did was in very poor taste. Good luck! 1
Author CoolBurn Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Hmmm, not to stir the pot but I would be a bit put off by his poor judgement for sure. Had the tables been turned, I'm sure a woman would come off looking like a tramp for taking up a late night offer from another guy when she has a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a bit old school...... I would make my boundaries clear for sure. That being said, 6 mos is still very new for a relationship. If he can't respect you now, what makes you think he will in another 6 mos. Your friends included. What they did was in very poor taste. Good luck! Exactly! Thank you.
kendahke Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 You're running dangerously close to acting like his mother instead of his girlfriend. Don't flip this from an adult/adult relationship to a parent/child relationship because every normal man has an abhorrence to feeling romantic about his mother. He will flip into the child role if you go about scolding him and a possible one-off problem will become an ongoing problem because it is the natural nature of children to rebel. Today, he didn't put you first in his consideration before acting. Neither did your friends, truth be told. When it's all said and done, unfortunately for you, he's an adult who can stay out as long as he wishes if that's what he wants to do. He really doesn't need to get your permission. I know that's not what you want to read, but the real question is: how badly do you need to be in this relationship? If this situation is a one off, then make a note of this and keep your eyes peeled for other behavior like this. If this is a pattern of behavior on his part, then you need to take some time to rethink the wisdom of being with this particular guy. Do you trust all of them? Does he do this a lot? At six months in, the relationship is pretty much at the point where compatibility issues start rearing their ugly heads. Also, don't get mad at advice you get from people who have no emotional investment in you. If you put your business out on a public message board, you're going to get a lot of viewpoints, many of which will not be the validation you may be seeking if it seems your path is going to be destructive. They very well may be planning a surprise for you. Other than that, I really can't see any reason why your girls didn't swing around and come get you. THAT would have me pissed off more than what he did, especially if they are privy to your thoughts and feelings about him. 4
maysj18 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Uh, no idea why nobody else sees this as being weird. If my best friend's boyfriend asked me to hang out, I would be weirded out as ****. Not because he isn't cool, but because..just..why? I mean, I know him only because he's dating my very best friend. We never knew each other before and we have no similar interests outside my best friend, if that makes sense. I'm just putting myself in the situation and I find it extremely weird. It's also pretty disrespectful of your friends- it jsut doesn't make sense as to why they would ask YOUR boyfriend to hangout and not invite you? Yes, they COULD be planning something, but you know your friends well enough to know if that could be a possibility. Now, in my best friend's defense, if she hung out with my boyfriend, I would know for a fact that they were up to something such as planning an engagement for me or a birthday. That's just how she is and I know that would be the first person he would contact if he wanted to make it special. I wouldn't suspect anything weird at all. I also know their types and how they handle interactions with the opposite sex, so them even possibly being interested in each other would just be..impossible, lol. With that being said though, I would personally never feel comfortable hanging out one on one with her boyfriend unless we were planning something. I just don't know him that way and I would find it very odd if he wanted to get to know me privately. My best friend's ex was one of my very best friends when they were together. Her and I were roommates, so the three of us hung out pretty much all day every day and were a little trio. Occasionally he and some other friends would invite me out without her being there, but we were all a part of this big group so it was never weird. We might all want to see a movie that she and some others had no interest in seeing or something. That was generally it. I think hanging out one on one with someone of the opposite sex is a bit inappropriate for someone in a relationship. Unless they are a long time best friend or it's a school thing, of course. But to just call up an "acquaintance" (especially your BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND) and invite him/her out for dinner? Nope. 5
DirtyHairy Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not sure how old you two are but going out at 11pm isn't normally that bad especially if it was with 2 other people plus himself. If it was 1 on 1 then that might bring up some more questions. But please let me give you some advice and tell you a story. I had a girlfriend who I was with for nearly 3 years. She was sometimes worried about me leaving her to date other people etc because I had a lot more friends than she had and I was quite popular at school. She was very jealous when my friends who I had known for a while talked to me, hung out with me etc. I always told her I would never cheat on her or go behind her back (which is true because I never even thought for 1 second of doing that the entire time we dated). Anyways she got very worried and possessive in a way. She accused me and mistrusted me on occasion even when we hung out every day together. She ended up being a hypocrite in the end and did some very questionable things. Anyways I'm just saying just try not to get to worked up about it because its hard to deal with someone who mistrusts you. I'm sure its fine, he told you he was going with them so I'm not sure I see the problem? I get that you don't want him to cheat which I understand completely but just try and trust him. If its a problem just talk to him about it and express your concern. I hope this post came out okay, just don't want you to get too worked up and get jealous(not saying you are I'm just saying it could happen)
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 A few days ago he mentioned he 'misses the thrill' of approaching and seducing someone. ^^^^the nub of the problem^^^^ 2
maysj18 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not sure how old you two are but going out at 11pm isn't normally that bad especially if it was with 2 other people plus himself. If it was 1 on 1 then that might bring up some more questions. But please let me give you some advice and tell you a story. I had a girlfriend who I was with for nearly 3 years. She was sometimes worried about me leaving her to date other people etc because I had a lot more friends than she had and I was quite popular at school. She was very jealous when my friends who I had known for a while talked to me, hung out with me etc. I always told her I would never cheat on her or go behind her back (which is true because I never even thought for 1 second of doing that the entire time we dated). Anyways she got very worried and possessive in a way. She accused me and mistrusted me on occasion even when we hung out every day together. She ended up being a hypocrite in the end and did some very questionable things. Anyways I'm just saying just try not to get to worked up about it because its hard to deal with someone who mistrusts you. I'm sure its fine, he told you he was going with them so I'm not sure I see the problem? I get that you don't want him to cheat which I understand completely but just try and trust him. If its a problem just talk to him about it and express your concern. I hope this post came out okay, just don't want you to get too worked up and get jealous(not saying you are I'm just saying it could happen) But she made it a point to say that they are her girlfriends who only met him casually because she brought him around. You wouldn't be offended if your best dude called up a girl you were dating and invited her to hang out and she went? That's sketchy as hell and I can't imagine a good friend doing that or a good boyfriend/girlfriend going along with it. As I said above, my best friend's ex and I were extremely close because we all lived together practically and he and I had a lot in common. With that being said, we never hung out one on one. It was never discussed and probably wouldn't have even been a problem, but it was just an unspoken respect thing. I don't blame OP for being freaked out- it's weird. 2
LostOnes05 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I understand your point a lot better since you added in the 6 month thing and his comment about seeking a thrill. I too would be perturbed if my girlfriend went out with two of my male friends without me. When I said chill out, I meant don't have a heart attack about it. Follow your gut but gather the necessary information before rushing to judgement. There may be an innocent reason...maybe not. You should ask them each individually about going out that night since it is bothering you. Look for discrepancies in their stories. Calmly ask him if he thought it was appropriate to hang out with other women that late at night without at least inviting you. The worst thing you can do is mope around like something is bothering you but saying nothing. Sure he is a grown man, but the rules set in the relationship apply both ways. If he is going to disregard and disrespect the relationship, he should expect the same in return.
kendahke Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 ^^^^the nub of the problem^^^^ That's why I have my side eye cocked in their direction. Is he using them to score someone? That doesn't speak very highly of them (this doesn't speak highly of any of them), since they know OP's heart about this guy. OP--have either of your friends at least called you in all this time to let you know what's up or when they're coming around to get you? I would not have done this, especially knowing my girl's heart and feelings about this guy and if he did call me to ask me to meet him, it wouldn't be at 11p... and my girl would have gotten a call right after he called me to let her know what was up.
DirtyHairy Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 But she made it a point to say that they are her girlfriends who only met him casually because she brought him around. You wouldn't be offended if your best dude called up a girl you were dating and invited her to hang out and she went? That's sketchy as hell and I can't imagine a good friend doing that or a good boyfriend/girlfriend going along with it. As I said above, my best friend's ex and I were extremely close because we all lived together practically and he and I had a lot in common. With that being said, we never hung out one on one. It was never discussed and probably wouldn't have even been a problem, but it was just an unspoken respect thing. I don't blame OP for being freaked out- it's weird. Oh ya I understand where your coming from yes. To the OP how good of friends are these 2 girls? Like are you good friends with them and hang out often? I just ask because maybe he wants to be friends with your friends? Maybe some people think that's weird but I don't. I hang out with a few of my friends girlfriends one on one sometimes (I'm single by the way, and I'm not trying to steal them lol). Because they became my friends because I wanted to be friends with my friends girlfriends. I know what its like to be in a relationship where I can't hangout with my friends because my then girlfriend didn't like or didn't want to be friends with my friends. Anyways maybe that is slightly off topic. But are your (the OPs) friends good friends or just random people? I still think its okay either way but he has a better excuse if they are your good friends and he just wants to be friends with your friends.
kiss_andmakeup Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yeah, I had to chime in after page 1 of people making the OP out to be some kind of controlling psycho. I would think it was extremely weird if my husband (or boyfriend, while we were dating) called me up at any time of day and informed me that he was going to hang out with a couple of my girlfriends. What?! That's just kind of bizarre. It would be one thing if they were friends prior to your relationship, but if he just knows them through you? Super weird. I'd also never feel comfortable texting a couple of my H's friends and asking them to hang out without him.
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