waiting4u Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I was so proud of myself on sunday because I had actually accomplished 30 days of No Contact. (My goal is 90 days and then I'm going to celebrate like crazy.) It would have been more like 6 weeks on Sunday, but I sent a snarky email in early December. It was a dramatic breakup - we both acted like idiots. The rational part of me feels disrespected and like I need to move on because he's toxic, but the emotional part of me really really misses him still. I broke up with him for his bad behavior, wanted to work it out, things got all dramatic and I yelled at him, then he just abruptly cut off contact. This was right before Thanksgiving. I've apologized for what I did wrong. He hasn't apologized for ****e. No Contact has been the best move I could have made. I mean, I feel SO much better than I did before. I have more good days than bad days and I've been focusing on myself and moving forward with my life. Trouble is I just miss him SO much. And I feel like he should have at least reached out to me by now. It may be a standoff. I mean, we did this when we were together as well. I'd ignore him because I was irritated about something, he'd ignore me for ignoring him, etc. But I don't feel like I should reach out. I'm still really angry about a lot of things he said and did. I should just wait, right? The worst part of all this is I've just been feeling really unattractive and worthless - like I wasn't good enough for him or something. When we were together I felt beautiful and brilliant - like seeing myself through his eyes. Has anyone else experienced this? Right now, I honestly don't feel like any other man would want me. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like such a failure. I don't really have a question here. I guess I could just use some advice and support. 1
Satu Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 One of your goals should achieving emotional independence, and getting to the point where what he thinks about you no longer matters to you. That's doable. I've included a link to something interesting below. I'm not saying that any of it applies to you, but its food for thought. Well done on the NC. Keep up the good work. Link. 1
dyna85 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I feel you totally. The best solution I can offer is to continue with the NC. I say this because the ball is in his court. He cut it off, and hasn't apologized, but you've been forgiving and have apologized. You said yourself NC has been the best move you could have made. I think you gotta just stick with that same resolve that propelled you forward in the beginning. It just gets tricky as times goes on and you hear nothing. Like you said, you start to wonder why they're not contacting you and it feels realllllllly crappy. It gets serious real fast, when weeks/months pass and there's dead silence. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you pretty much summarized my emotions throughout this process, and made me feel not alone either, so thank you, and good luck throughout the NC process. It sure ain't easy. 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going' Stay strong. 1
dravas18 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Right now, I honestly don't feel like any other man would want me. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like such a failure. You are not alone.... I feel like I failed in my last relationship. I question things I did and did not do, how I could have done it better, etc. but in the end I was myself and stuck to my principles, and I know I did the right thing. So that part is normal, you shouldn't beat yourself up - and I know I have been. About feeling not worthy of anyone else, I bet if you go out with some of your friends and dress up all nice, guys will notice you. You don't have to sleep with anyone, but you can go out and do some harmless flirting with some guys and get a little confidence back.
bigtrouble Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Nah, you are worth more than you think you are, NC just got the best of you, the tables turned somehow, and its a power struggle between you two. Yeah you do miss him true. Hang in there be strong. You both prolly hurting now, just give it more time to calm your emotions and maybe work from there. Get yourself ready to face him again do it when you are a bit stable and the ball will be in your court again. Edited January 14, 2015 by bigtrouble
RedButton Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Around the end of the first month is tough I think. It was for me anyway. I think it's when you start to feel like 'It's really over' whereas before it hasn't sunk in yet. Hang in there, keep focusing on yourself only and get your head right. It will get easier, even if there are bad days sprinkled in. I didn't even realise I hit the 60 day mark, it wasn't until afterwards I was having a bad day and thought 'how long has it been?'. As for the self-doubt and feeling worthless, I think that's normal after a breakup. I'm in month 2 of No Contact/Breakup and I still have moments where I think 'I just wasn't good enough'. But deep down I know that's not true and we were just too different to work together. It's normal to want someone to blame, and it's easy to blame ourselves I think. Unless you can think of one thing you did that was wrong (and that's usually not a factor) then you mustn't think like that.
Lokin4AReason Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 heck looking like that, I am surprised that you don't have a line forming outside your door begging to ask you out .... he didn't deserve you and if he did, he would not have done at what he did doing good at not getting in touch with him and I hope that you stick w/ it =0)
unforgotten Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I honestly don't feel like any other man would want me. I know at least one who would.
Author waiting4u Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Thanks so much to everyone for this. It was just what I needed. I've decided to stop looking at his Facebook page. I don't think that's helping. Plus he keeps adding pretty girls. It's weird - some of the profiles are either of women who live in other cities or they look fake - like women who've just opened their profile and added 200 people in one day. What does that mean? One I suspected, so I googled "pretty girl" in google image, and the girl was one of the first pictures that came up. I mean, it's likely a fake profile. Is he seeing strippers or prostitutes or something? Bizarre. Anyway, I blocked him on Facebook, so that's helping. Unforgotten, Broken and Lokin4 - thanks for the compliments. You are very kind. Redbutton - thanks for the support. I guess I thought 30 days was this magic moment that I would be completely over him or something. It's not. I still sort of feel like I'm just waiting around for him to come back. bigtrouble - I hope he's hurting. I know that's mean, but he deserves it. I rather think he doesn't think of me at all. That's what makes me feel horrible most of the time. dravas and dyna - Thanks so much for the support. It helps to know I'm not alone. Satu - interesting link. Thank you. Emotional independence. Definitely a lot to think about there.
RedButton Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Redbutton - thanks for the support. I guess I thought 30 days was this magic moment that I would be completely over him or something. It's not. I still sort of feel like I'm just waiting around for him to come back. I think I felt that way too, I expected that at the 30 day and 60 day Mark I'd be feeling fine or 'over it' but it doesn't quite work that way. It's not really a straight line so much as having lots of ups and downs. You'll notice it more in terms of 'This week was better than last week' rather than daily progress if that makes sense. I'm 2.5 months in and I'm starting to feel better about it. Still miss her, but not in a 'I need her back' kind of way. More like haven't seen an old friend in a while kind of way.
nadine5 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 OP...does it helping knowing I am supremely jealous of your 32 day victory right now? Day 1 (today) is definitely not that fun.
Chi townD Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 If you were looking at his Facebook page, then you weren't in NC. NC means NO CONTACT! By looking at his Facebook page is getting a look at what's going on in his life. Doing NC is one thing. Will doing NC heal you? Yes. Will doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life heal you faster? Absolutely. So, what positive changes have you made in the last 30 days? 1
Danda Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Emotional independence makes a HUGELY positive difference in one's life, although it can definitely be difficult to maintain if you started out at rock bottom or with very little, can expect plenty of setbacks and having to recuperate and regather yourself from time to time (so when it happens, don't beat yourself up or get discouraged, it's pretty normal, if emotional independence wasn't normal for you for most of your life before you started working on it). But it really is a ridiculously, drastically improved life experience when you truly know yourself, with all of your "pros and cons". If people think poorly of you in ways where you know that you're just fine or even exceptional, then their words, opinions and behaviors have no effect on you. It becomes extremely easy to detect when people are just projecting their shenanigans onto you. Likewise, when you know your issues, flaws and weaknesses and slowly but surely work on them, when someone tries to use pointing out your issues/flaws/weaknesses as a weapon against you - it has no effect. Because you already knew and embraced your "cons", made peace with yourself in such regards and then resolved ways to work improve yourself over time. It doesn't hit you like a brick to the face to have someone point then out to you, the narcissistic injury (and possible rage) no longer occurs. It is definitely very well worth it to learn how to genuinely know yourself, be at peace with yourself and to be able to validate yourself completely. One of the biggest things many notice is that you actually start enjoying people, which feels so.. just light and fluffy and pleasant ^_^, compared to needing people.
Deidre Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 NC only works if we use it for the right reasons. Using it as a 'stand off' isn't the right reason. It also shouldn't be used as a form of the silent treatment, or to punish an ex. It is designed to focus your thoughts on you and your own healing, and you very well may know this...but, just going with what you say about a 'stand off,' and if that's the main reason...you will cave sooner than 90 days. I've broken NC a number of times in the past, only to pay a horrible price. It took me over a year to feel whole again after two horrible relationships from the past...NC will bring you to healing...stay strong, and don't cave.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Anyway, I blocked him on Facebook, so that's helping. Congratulations. Now you can start doing No Contact for real. What you were doing before wasn't NC, it was kind of a Diet No Contact. Now it's time for the real thing and if you stick with it and use the time away to work on yourself, not as some sort of game of chicken, you will progress and evolve.
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