Engaged but n luv wit some 1 else....Please help!! Any thoughts and comments welcome

[Sicantired]

well i have posted here before but not in a while, and i always get good responses so here goes.......

 

i had been dating this guy since march of last year off and on. we had a lot of problems and there were times where i would go for months not talking to him. then finally i heard from him again in december of last year and he seemed sincere and wanted to get serious again. he seemed truthful so i gave it a go again. but low and behold he flipped up again. so i just basically gave up. we never actually talked about breaking up.....he would just not call for months at a time and then when he did call, act as if we had just talked the day before. then i met *James* (changed name).

 

I met james through another friend of mine on christmas day. (before i tell you anything else james lives in texas, i live in california). i was talking to my friend on the phone and he put james on the phone and we started talking. i found out that he was 6 years my senior but very mature, not like my former bf. we talked for a good while then he said that he had to go home and he asked for my number so we could continue the conversation later that night. i gave it to him not thinking he would call but he did. we talked until 7 in the morning. thankfully i didnt have anything to do the next day.

 

we were hittin it off pretty well. then 2 1/2 weeks after we first started talking, we both expressed our feelings for each other. he wanted to come out here to see me but i was still waiting for my current bf to show his face. but i got tired of waiting, vowing to myself to never let him back in my life again. james even bought a plane ticket and was leaving the next day to come out here to see me. but when i told him how i felt he didnt want to come between me and my feelings.

 

my bf never acted like he wanted to be with me anymore so i went ahead and proceeded things with james. two months to the day we met he called me and said he had sent a picture of him and a letter with a surprise in it. im like ok what could possibly fit in an envelope. i was thinking like a necklace or something. when i got the letter almost 3 weeks later, he had sent an engagement ring. and the letter was a proposal of marraige and how he felt about me. i was so happy i had found someone who wanted to finally get serious and treat me like a real person.

 

but now my bf is trying to come back into my life and i'm thinking i should let him go. but i am having second thoughts. is this the wrong way to be feeling? i am deeply in love with james but i cant help but go back to how i feel about the other guy. i dont know what to do. i'm so confused.

 

Please any comments or thoughts help.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I don't know exactly how much time you have spent with James, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you probably don't know him well enough to make a lifetime commitment, espeically if you have feelings for the other guy that feel very real to you.

 

I understand that you and James have got very close, and that's a great thing. You have probably even spent a week together, perhaps two, but marriage is supposed to be forever, and no matter how great he seems on the phone, and no matter how wonderful your short time together was, I think you really need to get to know him better before committing to a lifetime of marriage.

 

Also, why did he mail you an engagement ring? Why not just wait until your next meeting? I'm not one to judge, but that does seem a bit odd to me (yes, I know he is in Texas and you are in California - it still seems odd). Were you his first, or vice versa? That's a personal question I certainly would not expect you to answer on a public board if you were not comfortable doing so, but if the answer is yes, you should definately wait before tying the knot. Sometimes people associate certain things with other things, and sometimes it really is real - but sometimes it isn't. It would be nice to find that out, one way or the other, before engaging in an entanglement as serious as marriage.

 

I know someone who got together with someone, and got close to that person, and very shortly thereafter, a question was popped, but something wasn't quite right. That person was also in love with someone else, but went through with marriage anyway, and now regrets the hell out of that decision. Just be careful.

 

As far as what to do about James verses the other guy, I would definately spend some more time with James. The other guy didn't bother calling you for months, and you moved on. Just try to remember, that even if you decide to completely give up on the other guy, it does not necessarily follow that the next right thing to do right now is to immediately say "yes" to James as fast as you can. Marriage is something you (hopefully) only do once - unless everything 100% feels right (and even if it does except for the other guy, that means your feelings for James are not strong enough yet), put it off and get to know James better in person. You NEED to spend 6 months or a year with him, perhaps longer, all the time, before you can be sure if he will make a good life partner for you, and even after you do, if something doesn't feel right, or if anything is missing (yes, even incredibly strong residual feelings for the other guy you can't explain because that means you don't have all of those feelings for the guy you are thinking about marrying), don't go through with it. Now don't take that last sentence the wrong way. You will never forget lovers of the past, and they will always be with you, but if the other guy is still a current part of what a big part of you wants to be doing, then it isn't fair to either you or James to get married. Remember, you only want to do this once! Good luck to you.

[Dreamgirl03]

This is kindof what i am currently going through as well. I am actually engaged to a very good friend of mine..we have been friends since high school..we dated for a year and he proposed to me..we started living together about 10 months ago. Soon after we started living together, we started argueing..constantly. And now, he has started this job as a truck driver, so he is hardly ever here anymore at all. I have seen him like maybe 1 day in the past 2 months..and half of that time was argueing. And just the past week or so I was on yahoo chatting and met this other guy, David. We live like 4 hours away from me. We have hit it off and I really like him, alot. He has also expressed to me that he is really into me as well. We are planning to meet each other in person soon, and its likely that when we do meet we are going to fall in love with each other. I know I shouldnt feel this way about someone else, but I cant help it. I dont know what it is about this guy, but for some reason I am attracted to him. Plus, with mine and my fiance`s problems in the relationship..i feel like for some reason its not right, but i`m still in love with him. I really am not sure what to do..it`s kinda scary.