What does it say about a guy if he has a really messy place?

[kumar123]

Okay guy I'm dating has a really messy place. Everything I'm about to say is an UNDERSTATEMENT. This guy has been living alone for the past year and a few months. He's 26 and it's his first time living outside of his home. Every time I go to his place there is food molding on his counter or the floor. Every single time! There's cheese just thrown on the floor, with mold and bugs in it. I'll see a random shopping bag in the corner. When I look in it there's molding bread, yogurt and other items. When I tell him, he's like "OMG I forgot to put that away. I bought that a few days ago!" There's rotten apples, left there for months, open water bottles on the kitchen counter that haven't moved in the several months I've known him, etc. He always has dishes piled up in his sink with flies hovering around it. His bed has piles of clothes and objects on it. His clothes are half hanging/half lying on the floor. His laundry basket is over piling and spills onto the floor. All the tables in his living room are completely covered with papers. I've had to move them out of the way to eat. I even saw a bowl of starbursts with ants crawling through it. He even ate a starburst without realizing there were ants on it, even inside the wrappers! I told him and had to throw it away.

 

One day I came over and helped clean up the place... thinking that might help. It took several hours, the place was still dirty, but not a nightmare. A week later, when I came over the entire place was a mess, with dishes piled in the sink, food rotting, etc. One time his friend came over and looked in his fridge/freezer and was surprised at how carelessly the food was put away (things in freezer that should be in fridge and vice versa). Honestly, the only place that's not a nightmare is his bathroom. It's still messy but at least visibly clean enough to use.

 

He's mentioned multiple times that he doesn't host parties or events because he's embarrassed about how his place is and feels it says something about himself. He only lets me and a few friends come over because we aren't judgemental. He also feels terrible because he's wasting a lot of food due to his inability to put it away. He's mentioned that when he lived with his parents this was not an issue (perhaps his Mom put stuff away for him).

 

Is this a red flag? What does this indicate about a partner? I've honestly NEVER dated a guy this messy. All of my exes were clean. I've dated guys who weren't that clean, but they didn't have their places look like trash either or have freshly bought groceries just left out to spoil carelessly,

[J21]

He just doesn't care enough to make an effort to be clean.

 

Being messy is a norm for him.

[Zahara]

How long have you been dating him? Honestly, I don't have tolerance for when people live like pigs. Messy is one thing. Clothes on the floor. Papers all over. I could probably look past that.

 

But rotting food with vermin and insects? That has nothing to do with being messy. And eating the food crawling with ants. Flies/dishes in the sink. His place would most likely be stinking to high heaven. How can one be so oblivious, or lazy? Maybe he is suffering from depression?

 

You must really like this guy! Imagine living with him. Eek!

Edited January 13, 2015 by Zahara

[kumar123]

How long have you been dating him? Honestly, I don't have tolerance for when people live like pigs. Messy is one thing. Clothes on the floor. Papers all over. I could probably look past that.

 

But rotting food with vermin and insects? That has nothing to do with being messy. And eating the food crawling with ants. Flies/dishes in the sink. His place would most likely be stinking to high heaven. How can one be so oblivious, or lazy?

 

You must really like this guy! Imagine living with him. Eek!

 

I've known him as several months as friends and have recently just started trying out dating him. When we met, I didn't care as much, and still don't but that's only because I don't live with him. I only thought about this cause I've recently started dating a different guy, went to his place, and he's normal and clean. I felt instantly more relaxed and like I was around a person who genuinely cared about his living areas. After this, it's made me think a lot about the other guy I'm dating and why he chooses to live in such a messy area. I also feel stress when this guy bakes/cooks for me because I know he won't do his dishes for a week, attracting more insects. It almost makes me feel guilty! Or I feel inclined to clean his dishes when I go there, because I don't want the problem to escalate.

 

I could easily tolerate clothes on the floor, and papers. I tend to leave clothes on the floor and won't throw away beer bottles for a day or two, but I don't leave bottles out for months (he's not using these as decor)!

 

I've been to his parent's place. They aren't tidy but there place isn't messy by my standards. He's been living there for over 24 years of his life so that's not the norm for him.

 

Edit: He's not depressed. I've asked him why he doesn't clean and he says that he doesn't have time, that he's too busy with his hobbies/other things to clean (from knowing him, I can tell he's not that busy, I think he just comes home after work and is too tired to do basic cleaning). He says he only cleans his dishes once a week (he does not have a dishwasher, but manually cleans), on a Sunday. When we first met I didn't understand why he couldn't hang out for one whole day, but now I see he's just really messy and takes a full day to clean his dishes alone.

Edited January 13, 2015 by kumar123

[evanescentworld]

Nope.

Just absolutely totally a deal-breaker.

 

Wouldn't have anything to do with him AT ALL.

 

(Having done the 'Health & Safety Food Hygiene in Catering' course, I couldn't even walk through his doorway....)

[FitChick]

Sounds like a hoarder. Mental illness.

[carhill]

What does it say about a guy if he has a really messy place?

 

That's who he is, domestically. If you also note his vehicle, work space, yard, etc to also be messy, then that's who he is, globally.

 

The world is full of people like him, people who are excruciatingly neat and tidy, and everything in between. If minds meet, then relationships may result. If not, not. We're all autonomous and association is completely voluntary.

 

Lastly, change. Anyone can change, at any time. Some do, some don't. How or why is generally unknown.

 

Personally, I've suffered enough life-altering events that I changed my prior commitment to tidiness to a more moderate stance. I think being married helped too. Life's too short to focus so much on one thing. For someone else, their perspective can be completely different.

 

I wouldn't expect him to change or predicate any attachment upon such change and, if the current status quo is irreconcilable, well, it is.

[Zahara]

After this, it's made me think a lot about the other guy I'm dating and why he chooses to live in such a messy area.

 

Messy is not the word to define how he lives. It's unhygienic, unhealthy and foul.

 

I also feel stress when this guy bakes/cooks for me because I know he won't do his dishes for a week, attracting more insects. It almost makes me feel guilty! Or I feel inclined to clean his dishes when I go there, because I don't want the problem to escalate.

 

Why are you dating him then? What sort of anything can you have if you can't even stomach having a meal at his place. What keeps you going back?

 

I could easily tolerate clothes on the floor, and papers. I tend to leave clothes on the floor and won't throw away beer bottles for a day or two, but I don't leave bottles out for months (he's not using these as decor)!

 

I can get messy sometimes too. But not to the extent whereby things are crawling and smelling without him even batting an eyelid.

 

I've been to his parent's place. They aren't tidy but there place isn't messy by my standards. He's been living there for over 24 years of his life so that's not the norm for him.

 

Maybe he is depressed. And doesn't have the motivation to do anything. It doesn't seem normal that one can live in such a state and think nothing of it. Or he's just extremely lazy. Or maybe he has a mental illness. Whatever the case it doesn't bode well for you because ingrained habits/patterns like this don't go away just because you cleaned his house once. This is how he lives. This is what he is used to.

[regine_phalange]

This isn't just messy, this is unsanitary!

Maybe next time you can visit him in one of those. He will take the message.

 

But even if he takes the message, imagine what will happen if you ever move in together = who is going to clean up after him.

[venusishername]

Okay guy I'm dating has a really messy place. Everything I'm about to say is an UNDERSTATEMENT. This guy has been living alone for the past year and a few months. He's 26 and it's his first time living outside of his home. Every time I go to his place there is food molding on his counter or the floor. Every single time! There's cheese just thrown on the floor, with mold and bugs in it. I'll see a random shopping bag in the corner. When I look in it there's molding bread, yogurt and other items. When I tell him, he's like "OMG I forgot to put that away. I bought that a few days ago!" There's rotten apples, left there for months, open water bottles on the kitchen counter that haven't moved in the several months I've known him, etc. He always has dishes piled up in his sink with flies hovering around it. His bed has piles of clothes and objects on it. His clothes are half hanging/half lying on the floor. His laundry basket is over piling and spills onto the floor. All the tables in his living room are completely covered with papers. I've had to move them out of the way to eat. I even saw a bowl of starbursts with ants crawling through it. He even ate a starburst without realizing there were ants on it, even inside the wrappers! I told him and had to throw it away.

 

One day I came over and helped clean up the place... thinking that might help. It took several hours, the place was still dirty, but not a nightmare. A week later, when I came over the entire place was a mess, with dishes piled in the sink, food rotting, etc. One time his friend came over and looked in his fridge/freezer and was surprised at how carelessly the food was put away (things in freezer that should be in fridge and vice versa). Honestly, the only place that's not a nightmare is his bathroom. It's still messy but at least visibly clean enough to use.

 

He's mentioned multiple times that he doesn't host parties or events because he's embarrassed about how his place is and feels it says something about himself. He only lets me and a few friends come over because we aren't judgemental. He also feels terrible because he's wasting a lot of food due to his inability to put it away. He's mentioned that when he lived with his parents this was not an issue (perhaps his Mom put stuff away for him).

 

Is this a red flag? What does this indicate about a partner? I've honestly NEVER dated a guy this messy. All of my exes were clean. I've dated guys who weren't that clean, but they didn't have their places look like trash either or have freshly bought groceries just left out to spoil carelessly,

 

OMG, OMG my skin started crawling just reading your first paragraph. I nearly vomited. I'm a complete neat freak (comparable to Monica from Friends), so this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. My friends always joke that my floors are so clean you can eat off them.

 

I used to see a guy who was probably CLEAN compared to what you are describing, but to me he was a total slob!! I couldn't handle being at his place. Even his CAR was trashed and gross. I'm very nitpicky about cleanliness, so again I am more biased than most about this.

 

I believe messiness translates over into other aspects of life and personality. Typically it goes hand in hand with laziness, tardiness, indifference, being more passive in general. In my opinion it pretty much is equivalent to = UNMOTIVATED AND CARELESS.

Last guy I dated would make his bed immediately upon waking and wipe down the counters after washing all the dishes after cooking me dinner. It's just really important to me.

In your situation, though, I'm not sure how you can stomach it or how this is attractive to you.

Edited January 13, 2015 by venusishername

[amaysngrace]

He sounds like a mommy boy.

 

...or a sloth

[acrosstheuniverse]

It says that he's happy living in that kind of environment.

 

If you wouldn't be, the relationship already has an expiration date. You won't be able to move in together. You can't even sleep over really in those conditions. If he does really clean up, and try keep on top of things, then that may be a possibility but... I wouldn't personally risk dating someone like that. The fact that that's who he is when he is single, shows me he's happy in that kind of environment. And I'd be aware he was always at risk of slipping back into it, when he got comfortable. People generally revert to type.

 

The relationship isn't going to work long term, so you're wasting both of your times dating him when you could both be free to meet someone compatible.

[preraph]

That he's a pig. If he won't clean, then he needs to hire a maid. That's what I do because I hate cleaning (though I also do not mess a place up or leave anything out of place -- my dogs do.) And if a man won't help when you are sharing a place, he's not just a pig; he's a disrespectful pig who isn't willing to meet you halfway.

[kumar123]

OMG, OMG my skin started crawling just reading your first paragraph. I nearly vomited. I'm a complete neat freak (comparable to Monica from Friends), so this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. My friends always joke that my floors are so clean you can eat off them.

 

I used to see a guy who was probably CLEAN compared to what you are describing, but to me he was a total slob!! I couldn't handle being at his place. Even his CAR was trashed and gross. I'm very nitpicky about cleanliness, so again I am more biased than most about this.

 

I believe messiness translates over into other aspects of life and personality. Typically it goes hand in hand with laziness, tardiness, indifference, being more passive in general. In my opinion it pretty much is equivalent to = UNMOTIVATED AND CARELESS.

Last guy I dated would make his bed immediately upon waking and wipe down the counters after washing all the dishes after cooking me dinner. It's just really important to me.

In your situation, though, I'm not sure how you can stomach it or how this is attractive to you.

 

Haha thanks for this. It's certainly not attractive to me at all... I guess he just usually comes over to my place or I never really stay at his place to hang out. I've only been there a few times. I'm really glad I asked you guys. It only just recently hit me that maybe his behavior with cleaning could mean he's really lazy and unmotivated in general. He also tends to come 15-20 minutes (one time 45 minutes) late to dates (he treats everyone like this), has poor time management, takes hours/days to respond to messages from me and other friends, has difficult time planning things (even in his own life!) and I think I'm just oblivious cause I didn't realize that these all link up and may be saying that this guy is just lazy and careless. He has a very good job that pays really well (he got it through a graduate program at his school) but has admitted to procrastinating and not doing work for a week or two due to just not feeling like it. I'm dating other guys so just weighing my options. I adore him as a person but these other things really bother me.

[kendahke]

Okay guy I'm dating has a really messy place. Everything I'm about to say is an UNDERSTATEMENT. This guy has been living alone for the past year and a few months. He's 26 and it's his first time living outside of his home. Every time I go to his place there is food molding on his counter or the floor. Every single time! There's cheese just thrown on the floor, with mold and bugs in it. I'll see a random shopping bag in the corner. When I look in it there's molding bread, yogurt and other items. When I tell him, he's like "OMG I forgot to put that away. I bought that a few days ago!" There's rotten apples, left there for months, open water bottles on the kitchen counter that haven't moved in the several months I've known him, etc. He always has dishes piled up in his sink with flies hovering around it. His bed has piles of clothes and objects on it. His clothes are half hanging/half lying on the floor. His laundry basket is over piling and spills onto the floor. All the tables in his living room are completely covered with papers. I've had to move them out of the way to eat. I even saw a bowl of starbursts with ants crawling through it. He even ate a starburst without realizing there were ants on it, even inside the wrappers! I told him and had to throw it away.

 

One day I came over and helped clean up the place... thinking that might help. It took several hours, the place was still dirty, but not a nightmare. A week later, when I came over the entire place was a mess, with dishes piled in the sink, food rotting, etc. One time his friend came over and looked in his fridge/freezer and was surprised at how carelessly the food was put away (things in freezer that should be in fridge and vice versa). Honestly, the only place that's not a nightmare is his bathroom. It's still messy but at least visibly clean enough to use.

 

He's mentioned multiple times that he doesn't host parties or events because he's embarrassed about how his place is and feels it says something about himself. He only lets me and a few friends come over because we aren't judgemental. He also feels terrible because he's wasting a lot of food due to his inability to put it away. He's mentioned that when he lived with his parents this was not an issue (perhaps his Mom put stuff away for him).

 

Is this a red flag? What does this indicate about a partner? I've honestly NEVER dated a guy this messy. All of my exes were clean. I've dated guys who weren't that clean, but they didn't have their places look like trash either or have freshly bought groceries just left out to spoil carelessly,

 

He's a hoarder. It's an OCD. They never throw anything away.

 

That is a complete neon, flashing red flag.

[CarrieT]

My last long-term BF was the worst slob I ever met; as an alcoholic, he would frequently crawl in bed with dinner and wake up sleeping with his plates and mess. It should have been a Red Flag that the first time I went to his place, his living room was filled with empty vodka and beer bottles and the kitchen was covered in dirty dishes.

 

Silly me, I helped him clean and then I moved in. When the relationship was close to being over (two years later), I went on a family cruise with my sisters and upon my return, he was taking off for a one-month sailing trip around Panama. I returned with the flu and desperately needed to just heat up some chicken soup, brew some tea, and crawl in bed but I couldn't even find the stove because of all the dirty pots and pans and strewn food packaging and the bed was covered with empty food packaging.

 

I ended up hiring a cleaning service to JUST clean the mess he left in the kitchen and bathroom because I was so sick. It took three people almost four hours to clean my Ex's filth - it was that bad...

 

Never, ever again.

[kendahke]

Haha thanks for this. It's certainly not attractive to me at all... I guess he just usually comes over to my place or I never really stay at his place to hang out. I've only been there a few times. I'm really glad I asked you guys. It only just recently hit me that maybe his behavior with cleaning could mean he's really lazy and unmotivated in general. He also tends to come 15-20 minutes (one time 45 minutes) late to dates (he treats everyone like this), has poor time management, takes hours/days to respond to messages from me and other friends, has difficult time planning things (even in his own life!) and I think I'm just oblivious cause I didn't realize that these all link up and may be saying that this guy is just lazy and careless. He has a very good job that pays really well (he got it through a graduate program at his school) but has admitted to procrastinating and not doing work for a week or two due to just not feeling like it. I'm dating other guys so just weighing my options. I adore him as a person but these other things really bother me.

 

I think it's more than being lazy and careless. OCD's like hoarding get worse as people get older. He may also be dealing with severe depression and feelings of being overwhelmed--and all of this speaks to a need for him to get some professional psychiatric help, although he may balk at that idea.

[me85]

I do not date dirty dudes. They haven't been absolute neat freaks like me but they were certainly tidy. I hate mess!

[Zahara]

He's a hoarder. It's an OCD. They never throw anything away.

 

That is a complete neon, flashing red flag.

 

I used to think that hoarders only held on to material things. But flipping channels I found a show on TV called Hoarders and I remember this one lady. Her fridge was filled with rotting meat that she put in the drawer of the refrigerator where you put your produce. She was insistent that it should not be thrown out and that it could still be used if she cut the bad parts out. And the fridge wasn't even working. I couldn't watch it after that. It was so disturbing.

[shet]

TBH from personal experience, this guy sounds more like he's abusing a substance. The only guys I've known remotely like this were serious drug users. Just having guff piled everywhere and a sinkful of dishes ("But I wash them weekly" ) is one thing, but the forgetting to put groceries away, rotting food and obliviousness to insect pests? Quite another. Grab a flamethrower, kick his door down and go to town, then leave his ass before you find his crack pipe or needles.

[Jessie1231]

I ended a relationship with a guy because he was messy. Not just messy, unclean, which your guy clearly is. I tried to stomach through it, but I never wanted to spend the night at his place and honestly ran out of excuses one day. I had to be honest with him. I did it in a really nice way and he seemed to understand. He even made an attempt at cleaning to fix it, but within weeks it was back to filth and I knew I couldn't have a future with someone like that. There are women who are okay with that kind of lifestyle, so I decided - and hopefully you will - that he was better off with someone who wouldn't need him to change something that was clearly hard for him to change.

[CALOVELY]

Okay guy I'm dating has a really messy place. Everything I'm about to say is an UNDERSTATEMENT. This guy has been living alone for the past year and a few months. He's 26 and it's his first time living outside of his home. Every time I go to his place there is food molding on his counter or the floor. Every single time! There's cheese just thrown on the floor, with mold and bugs in it. I'll see a random shopping bag in the corner. When I look in it there's molding bread, yogurt and other items. When I tell him, he's like "OMG I forgot to put that away. I bought that a few days ago!" There's rotten apples, left there for months, open water bottles on the kitchen counter that haven't moved in the several months I've known him, etc. He always has dishes piled up in his sink with flies hovering around it. His bed has piles of clothes and objects on it. His clothes are half hanging/half lying on the floor. His laundry basket is over piling and spills onto the floor. All the tables in his living room are completely covered with papers. I've had to move them out of the way to eat. I even saw a bowl of starbursts with ants crawling through it. He even ate a starburst without realizing there were ants on it, even inside the wrappers! I told him and had to throw it away.

 

One day I came over and helped clean up the place... thinking that might help. It took several hours, the place was still dirty, but not a nightmare. A week later, when I came over the entire place was a mess, with dishes piled in the sink, food rotting, etc. One time his friend came over and looked in his fridge/freezer and was surprised at how carelessly the food was put away (things in freezer that should be in fridge and vice versa). Honestly, the only place that's not a nightmare is his bathroom. It's still messy but at least visibly clean enough to use.

 

He's mentioned multiple times that he doesn't host parties or events because he's embarrassed about how his place is and feels it says something about himself. He only lets me and a few friends come over because we aren't judgemental. He also feels terrible because he's wasting a lot of food due to his inability to put it away. He's mentioned that when he lived with his parents this was not an issue (perhaps his Mom put stuff away for him).

 

Is this a red flag? What does this indicate about a partner? I've honestly NEVER dated a guy this messy. All of my exes were clean. I've dated guys who weren't that clean, but they didn't have their places look like trash either or have freshly bought groceries just left out to spoil carelessly,

 

He is not "unable" to put food away, he chooses not to. He is making excuses for his actions as if he is powerless in this. This lack of ownership is just one of many major red flags with this guy.

[LookAtThisPOst]

This isn't just messy, this is unsanitary!

Maybe next time you can visit him in one of those. He will take the message.

 

But even if he takes the message, imagine what will happen if you ever move in together = who is going to clean up after him.

 

Yeah, if he has flies and vermin VISIBLE in broad daylight, he has an infestation. He doesn't spray for bugs obviously, too.

 

I mean, I can be someone messy at times, but we're talking if his place was a restaurant, it'd be shut down big time.

[bachdude]

 

I believe messiness translates over into other aspects of life and personality. Typically it goes hand in hand with laziness, tardiness, indifference, being more passive in general. In my opinion it pretty much is equivalent to = UNMOTIVATED AND CARELESS.

 

Baloney! I have a very successful job and career with an advanced degree and my place is messy because I don't have the time or energy to clean. But truth be told, I am messy anyway (but not like the case described in this post!). I know others that are like me.

[Country_Girl]

I agree with the hoarder comments, due to personal experience.

 

My mom is a hoarder, nothing crazy like on tv (it used to be worse but she was forced to remove items when she went from a 2500 sq foot home to apartment after her divorce 5 years ago).

 

She bought a house 2 years ago and things are still piled up in boxes, or out, unorganized as if she moved in yesterday.

 

One thing she also hoards is food. She has 3 full size freezers full of food. Many items in the fridge 6 months past their expiration date, rotting and moldy vegetables/fruits, fruit flies everywhere. No clear space on the kitchen counters- pots/pans/dishes everywhere. It's disgusting. In the winter she uses the garage as an additional fridge/freezer. Mind you, my mom lives alone, there's no need for all this food. Whenever she gives me food I throw it away, it's always freezer burned and from 5 years ago.

 

My dad thinks it's because she grew up poor village in Poland, so food wasn't always available. But either way, I see this as hoarding tendencies. Wether it's food or material objects, seems "waste not" is their all around thinking.

 

You might want to consider dating someone else. It's rough living with someone like this, growing up I almost never had friends over, it was too embarrassing. If I did, it's because I spent the previous 24 hours cleaning the whole house the day prior. My dad would be so happy when I did this, he'd often pay me $20 dollars- he couldn't keep up with my mother's mess and was working 60 hour work weeks.

 

I found this lifestyle very overwhelming and produced anxiety upon walking into the house. Ask yourself if you are prepared for this.