amythan Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hi, I have some trouble making my mind about this issue which can ruin my "perfect relationship" .. Let's say that you did something in your past that for you is not a big deal or at least you are not particularly ashamed of (having threesomes, an abortion, cheating in a relationship, having an open relationship, sleeping around or whatever you want) and you know for sure it is a deal breaker for your partner .. would you say the truth if they ask you directly knowing that it will change how they see you or even leave you ? I am talking about someone you really love. What would you do ? Thanks
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Lying is a problem in the present. I think you have a much better shot at getting the other person to understand & get over your past if you tell the truth. I'm a middle aged woman. Although I don't condone cheating & cheating on me is a deal-breaker, I would not get all that upset if a new SO confessed he cheated on his college sweetheart. Drugs are also a big no no for me. But again, at this age I'm not going to freak too badly about a youthful indiscretion. I don't think it's fair to judge people based on what happened 1)+ years earlier. That said, lying to me now is a problem. 2
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 It depends on a lot of things: Their personal self-esteem, how long you've been together, whether they have jealousy issues (My H used to have) what the actual situation was, what our current living arrangements were.... My personal policy is never lie to anyone, and don't accept anyone lying to you. But if it's a question of just 'letting sleeping dogs lie' perhaps that would be a more tactful way to permit things to remain unsaid.... Is there something specific playing on your mind, then?
bachdude Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) It sounds like you haven't been together that long since you refer to it as a "perfect" relationship. If it is new...do you really want to open up your diary to someone you don't know that well yet? How do you know he won't go blabbing it to all his buddies? Since it is a new relationship (I am assuming) and you really have no idea if it is going to last, how do you know he will keep his mouth shut about it after the break up? Everyone has skeletons in the closet and he does too. Wait for him to get to know you and trust you and see your character. If he comes to respect your character after a long enough period of time, when you share this past issue of yours, he will most likely see it in the best possible light and as a one time event. On the other hand, if you have known this person for a while, and you still feel you can't share with him, it means you do not trust him with you deepest darkest secrets. This is a problem. You would need to decide if the person you love is someone you really trust. Edit: Missed that the question is, If he asked you directly! I would say don't volunteer the information. If asked directly, you are in NO way obligated to respond if the relationship is new. Edited January 13, 2015 by bachdude 1
Arabella Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 If you know something is a deal-breaker to your partner and you fail to disclose it, you're essentially tricking them into having a relationship with you. My husband did this to me. It shattered my trust in him and completely transformed the way I perceived him. The secret he hid isn't what did it... I probably would have been able to overlook if he had told me about it sooner. The lie was. We are still together, and it has been a couple of years now since I made the decision to stay with him. However, the deception has made it impossible for me to overcome what he did. We will never be the same.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I would say don't volunteer the information. If asked directly, you are in NO way obligated to respond if the relationship is new. I don't know about that. Of course no one has to volunteer information. However, if asked a direct Q you can't lie. You can be evasive or try to change the subject but don't like about it. 2
Author amythan Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 The relationship is not that new .. one year and a half and we are talking about moving in together. I know he has a very strong opinion about a certain number of things (sometimes with a double standard) and I am sure he will look at me very differently. I do not think it is important and i do not want to break up but I feel a bit sad thinking that he loves someone who is not really me.
Andy_K Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'd tell the truth. If she can't handle it, she's not right for me anyway. People should be flexible on the past, nothing is black and white. There are always shades of grey. Only the Sith deal in absolutes. 4
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'd tell the truth. If she can't handle it, she's not right for me anyway. People should be flexible on the past, nothing is black and white. There are always shades of grey. Only the Sith deal in absolutes. Not true. The Borgs do as well. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The relationship is not that new .. one year and a half and we are talking about moving in together. I know he has a very strong opinion about a certain number of things (sometimes with a double standard) and I am sure he will look at me very differently. I do not think it is important and i do not want to break up but I feel a bit sad thinking that he loves someone who is not really me. You can't move in with a lie as a foundation. If you genuinely believe that he loves somebody that you are not, your relationship is far from perfect. 2
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The relationship is not that new .. one year and a half and we are talking about moving in together. I know he has a very strong opinion about a certain number of things (sometimes with a double standard) and I am sure he will look at me very differently. I do not think it is important and i do not want to break up but I feel a bit sad thinking that he loves someone who is not really me. How do you think he would take it if you broached the subject and came clean...? You could say that "in the interests of honesty, and because you love/respect him so much, you feel it right that you tell him that...." How do you imagine it would go?
Author amythan Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I think he would not break up with me, he would have a hard time accepting it and probably it will be in his mind forever. I also think that part of the respect he has for me will be gone and he will never look at me in the same way.
Arabella Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I think he would not break up with me, he would have a hard time accepting it and probably it will be in his mind forever. I also think that part of the respect he has for me will be gone and he will never look at me in the same way. And that sucks, but if you KNOW this... why would you hide it from him? Why trick him into being with you? You both deserve better. Tell the truth and face the consequences. If he can't accept it, YOU may want to be the one to break up in order to find someone who can fully accept you.
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Would you like to discuss this with us in more detail? perhaps if we knew what it was, we could give you a better perspective. If you'd rather not, in public, feel free to go via PM. But if that too, is not something you can do, then I guess you have a very difficult decision to make....
Author amythan Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 After breaking up with my long term bf I went on a wild phase were I had a bunch of ONS and two threesomes. I wanted to experiment and I was not in a right place to have a committed relationship. I knew he will not be ok with this, so I cannot claim that i was not aware of the importance it would have for him .. He thinks i am the perfect girl and probably he will start picturing me in the most nasty situations ..
kendahke Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hi, I have some trouble making my mind about this issue which can ruin my "perfect relationship" .. Let's say that you did something in your past that for you is not a big deal or at least you are not particularly ashamed of (having threesomes, an abortion, cheating in a relationship, having an open relationship, sleeping around or whatever you want) and you know for sure it is a deal breaker for your partner .. would you say the truth if they ask you directly knowing that it will change how they see you or even leave you ? I am talking about someone you really love. What would you do ? Thanks Yes I'd tell him if asked, although I don't think I would be able to countenance someone who is that judgmental over things which have nothing to do with him at a time in my life way before I even met him and, frankly, are none of his business. All he needs to know is that you're STD clear. That's it. If I was asked directly, I would tell the truth and take my butt whippin' for standing in my truth. That's what being an adult means. Besides, the truth always outs. To enter into a lie is bad policy. Being a liar, IMO, is far worse than the offenses you've listed above--they were all in your past and have made you into the person you are today. Lying to get out of owning who you are is just really base. 2
BluEyeL Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 After breaking up with my long term bf I went on a wild phase were I had a bunch of ONS and two threesomes. I wanted to experiment and I was not in a right place to have a committed relationship. I knew he will not be ok with this, so I cannot claim that i was not aware of the importance it would have for him .. He thinks i am the perfect girl and probably he will start picturing me in the most nasty situations .. He doesn't need to know. He's not your priest. 3
Arabella Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well, for some people, promiscuity IS a deal breaker. Including myself. You're well in your right to do whatever you want in your life, but people are well within their rights to reject you for it. Their reasons are their own... just like you had your reasons for sleeping around. Tell him, and let him go and find a less promiscuous woman if that is what he wants. You should be with someone who can accept you fully as well.
kendahke Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 After breaking up with my long term bf I went on a wild phase were I had a bunch of ONS and two threesomes. I wanted to experiment and I was not in a right place to have a committed relationship. I knew he will not be ok with this, so I cannot claim that i was not aware of the importance it would have for him .. Then this is the wrong man for you to be with. He thinks i am the perfect girl and probably he will start picturing me in the most nasty situations .. Him thinking you are the perfect girl is HIS problem, not yours. No one is perfect. If he is that impacted that he will melt down and resort to this kind of behavior, honey, cut your losses, save yourself a whole lot of grief and heartache and just friendzone him. There is nothing you can do to spin the earth backwards to the moment you first considered doing what you did and that is exactly what his acting out is going to amount to---he's going to want for none of this to have taken place so that he won't have to sit with the shift of his paradigms and stretch his mind around it. 1
CarrieT Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 He is going to find out. Somehow, someplace, and in some way, it WILL come out and - at that point - it could be a breaking point for him that he may feel you lied to him. Best to come clean now before moving in together and let the chips fall where they may. If he doesn't accept you the way you are and who you are NOW, than it was not meant to be. 1
Author amythan Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Kendahke: I agree with you but I accept that all of us we have our limits. For some people is a relationship with a married person, or prostitutes, or an orgy or whatever .. It sucks anyway. I guess I will tell him but more out of fear that he finds out than desire to do it ..
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Listen, the general consensus seems to be to come clean and take the rap. I agree with kendahke on all counts. But let us know what happens, and if we can support you in any way.
FitChick Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 If it's something you did a while ago and never repeated the mistake and you didn't even know him then, then it's irrelevant. People learn, grow and change. If you did it while being in a relationship with him now, knowing he wouldn't like it, that is totally different. 1
kendahke Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Kendahke: I agree with you but I accept that all of us we have our limits. For some people is a relationship with a married person, or prostitutes, or an orgy or whatever .. It sucks anyway. I guess I will tell him but more out of fear that he finds out than desire to do it .. Oh definitely--we all have our bottom lines--and should have them. I'm also 55, so the things which bothered me in my 20's are different from the things which bother me in my 50's. One thing remains a constant: lying. Everyone has a past, but like another wise poster said, lying is in the present and it is unacceptable. However, you're dealing with a guy that you already know cannot handle the kind of past that you have. He may grill you about your past, which will necessitate you giving him a truthful answer---and he may end things with you (at the very least) or keep going, but berating/humiliating you (at the very worst) every chance he gets because he can't stop thinking about what you did. Do you want to live with someone who will treat you that way? The fact that he has a construct built around you that will need to be demolished once the truth is known tells me tells me that you're going to have some tough going in the next few weeks, but no matter what he may sling at you, you can at least take comfort in the fact that you gathered your bravery and told him the truth and he can never take hold of you for being a liar. I wish you luck in this. I hope that you can achieve an outcome that isn't going to take a pound of flesh out of you. 1
ascendotum Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well, for some people, promiscuity IS a deal breaker. Including myself. You're well in your right to do whatever you want in your life, but people are well within their rights to reject you for it. Their reasons are their own... just like you had your reasons for sleeping around. Tell him, and let him go and find a less promiscuous woman if that is what he wants. You should be with someone who can accept you fully as well. I don't think its a deal breaker the way she describes it but yeah some guys will. I think when the person knows its a deal breaker and lies about it is wrong. Lots of people I'm sure realize that and will try and make vague or generalized comments when questioned (like a guy who is sleeping with a couple of fwbs but says he is not dating when questioned by a prospective gf, hey its just sex not going out on dates) or act indignant to try and make the other person uncomfortable for asking much more. Lots are women are all for truth and getting to know the real guy and what makes him tick except want to take promiscuity off the table. With a lot of things people can get away with with putting their own spin on events if it was in the past and there is not any witnesses around now, unless say deceiving the person about your age which will have to be an ongoing deception. I think you should come clean when he asks and explain what your motivation was at the time. If you are not ashamed of what you did then don't act it. If he does not like you for the real you (and dont pretend the real you only starts when he met you, its all your history), then he is not the right guy for you who accepts and loves you for the way you are. 1
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