bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hello, Im currently in the NC and im doing it for 30 days, I have done this before with my ex and she would always initiate contact with me within a couple of weeks. I would answer the phone and we would get back together but within a week or so we would break it off again for the same reasons. Should i not pick up or not answer any of her attempts to reach me for the 30 days? To show her that i mean business and not fall in her trap again. And have the ball in my side of the court and call the shots. Its a complicated relationship due to that her family does not know where together becouse of a previous break up and we are constilently hidding and that was the reason i broke it up again. I dont want to hide anymore!!
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 If you do the same thing you've always done, you will get the same results you've always got. Is that what you want? No contact means NO contact, not "no contact contact unless she contacts you first or if it's a wednesday or if there's unusual sunspot activity or mercury is in retrograde.." NO contact. 4
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 If you do the same thing you've always done, you will get the same results you've always got. Is that what you want? No contact means NO contact, not "no contact contact unless she contacts you first or if it's a wednesday or if there's unusual sunspot activity or mercury is in retrograde.." NO contact. Ok, will do!! no contact is no contact ill hold my self when she calls!! thx even if it on a wednesday or thursaday lol, thx 1
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 If you do the same thing you've always done, you will get the same results you've always got. Is that what you want? No contact means NO contact, not "no contact contact unless she contacts you first or if it's a wednesday or if there's unusual sunspot activity or mercury is in retrograde.." NO contact. And NOOOO i dont want the same results i want to have a healthy and promising relationship with this girl, this time is no contact!!!! until she changes or tells me and proves it to me!!!
Light Breeze Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 What's your end game here? No contact as a mind game? Sounds like a toxic relationship btw. 1
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 What's your end game here? No contact as a mind game? Sounds like a toxic relationship btw. No, no mind game, i just want the ball in my court and tell her that if we are going to be together then its time tell her family and stop this nonsense. and with the NC going the full 30 days without me picking up the phone and falling in again, maybe in my mind she might just say ok lets tell them and things would be normal again so she would not lose me, becouse if not im out and letting her go!
bigtrouble Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well you got that one right no more hiding its what you want, put the terms and plan, wait till the ball is in you court and hit it. 2
Light Breeze Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 No, no mind game, i just want the ball in my court and tell her that if we are going to be together then its time tell her family and stop this nonsense. and with the NC going the full 30 days without me picking up the phone and falling in again, maybe in my mind she might just say ok lets tell them and things would be normal again so she would not lose me, becouse if not im out and letting her go! What if she got fed up doesn't contact you after the 30 days are up? 1
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 What if she got fed up doesn't contact you after the 30 days are up? If she doesnt contact me after the 30 days, then well its over and im cool i tried my best and helped her many times, so at the end then its time to move on to better and brighter things! im pretty cool over the break up. I have my terms if she aint down with that then see u later aligator! been there done that
Light Breeze Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Ok, cool. Hope it turns out well for you! 2
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 If she doesnt contact me after the 30 days, then well its over and im cool i tried my best and helped her many times, so at the end then its time to move on to better and brighter things! im pretty cool over the break up. I have my terms if she aint down with that then see u later aligator! been there done that BTW, she told me during the break up talk, that she would be contacting me in 2 weeks, becouse it has happend in the past and i would answer the phone, and then she hung up on me! lol
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Doing NC for 30 days in an effort to make the other person miss you is a mind game. It's not the proper use of NC which is a healing tool to help you get over the other person. If your point in going quiet was to get her to reach out & she's reaching out, you accomplished your goal, didn't you? To further punish her by continuing to remain silent while turning the pages of a calendar indicates that you may be a manipulator. 2
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Doing NC for 30 days in an effort to make the other person miss you is a mind game. It's not the proper use of NC which is a healing tool to help you get over the other person. If your point in going quiet was to get her to reach out & she's reaching out, you accomplished your goal, didn't you? To further punish her by continuing to remain silent while turning the pages of a calendar indicates that you may be a manipulator. Ok i understand what you are saying (d0nnivain) the thing is that she is very strong in her ways, I have tried the NC and it has worked for me with her in two occasions and we always go back to the same old **** and im pretty tired of it to tell you the truth. If i go with no contact even if she is calling, I think not answering will just show her that im not playing anymore. If she really wants to fix things ill wait for a text or a knock on my door and if not, BYE BYE. She has to know im worth it and not to have the cake and eat it too! Edited January 13, 2015 by bigfred
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 You aren't going to fix things by being quiet. You have a opportunity to fix things by talking about the problem & working toward a solution together. However, if you have the same fights over & over with no real resolution maybe it's a sign that you should just let each other go. For you to sit there & expect her to understand that your refusal to answer the phone means she should text you or come over is unreasonable. Text is the worst possible way to address difficult emotional issues. Face to face is better because you need body language & other cues to process. You don't have to answer me, but if this is your regular response -- to go silent & demand that she change -- you have to analyze how your communication style is adversely affecting your relationship. It takes two to tango & from where I sit, your behavior isn't helping. When she calls, tell her that she needs to come to you to talk because if you two can't fix the problem, this time it really might be over. 1
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 You aren't going to fix things by being quiet. You have a opportunity to fix things by talking about the problem & working toward a solution together. However, if you have the same fights over & over with no real resolution maybe it's a sign that you should just let each other go. For you to sit there & expect her to understand that your refusal to answer the phone means she should text you or come over is unreasonable. Text is the worst possible way to address difficult emotional issues. Face to face is better because you need body language & other cues to process. You don't have to answer me, but if this is your regular response -- to go silent & demand that she change -- you have to analyze how your communication style is adversely affecting your relationship. It takes two to tango & from where I sit, your behavior isn't helping. When she calls, tell her that she needs to come to you to talk because if you two can't fix the problem, this time it really might be over. Thats the thing we haved talked it out and she just goes right back how she was just a few days that pass, not answering her phone or texts due to that she is with her kids or mother, then after she will call and im not cool with that anymore, she is just being sellfish, when she needs me she calls and she right there when i call her and picks up on the first ring but other than that its hours before she would call. I have told her many times that it takes two to tango, but she tells me what i want to hear than changes right back to her old self wanting to have the cake and eat it too. Im going silent until she changes and if not again, im done and moving on.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Screw No Contact for 30 days to try to flush out a response. Such a manipulative move. No Contact is for healing -- not to try to hold your ex hostage so they contact you. Seriously man, you've done this twice, and she comes back -- only to realize that everything is the exact same because neither one of you is looking to heal, evolve, and learn from what went wrong. So it repeats. Stop doing the same dumb stuff that hasn't worked. Her coming back to only leave again isn't an indication that this "30 days" stuff is working -- it just shows that the both of you are codependent on each other and completely incapable of sustaining a mature relationship that doesn't involve mind games. Go No Contact and stay No Contact. Actually learn something from this experience to apply to future experiences. Evolve as a person -- stop running in place. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Thats the thing we haved talked it out and she just goes right back how she was just a few days that pass, not answering her phone or texts due to that she is with her kids or mother, then after she will call and im not cool with that anymore, she is just being sellfish, when she needs me she calls and she right there when i call her and picks up on the first ring but other than that its hours before she would call. I have told her many times that it takes two to tango, but she tells me what i want to hear than changes right back to her old self wanting to have the cake and eat it too. Im going silent until she changes and if not again, im done and moving on. Change takes several months, if not years.
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I think you are better off apart. She is not going to answer your calls when she is with her kids or her mother. I'm not sure why she's not answering when she is with her mom but on some levels I can understand not answering when she has the kids. The kids are more important than a BF. Sorry but that's just the nature of kids. I rarely answer my cell phone when I am with others. The interruption of a phone is rude to the present person. You two have different communications styles / preferences. You want her to be right there when you want her. She can't or won't do that. Neither is wrong but they are incompatible choices.
BeautyPrincess Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So say you go no contact for 30days and u ignore her when or if she phones. What is there to say that following u ignoring her contact, she doesn't say 'oh he's over this, he doesn't care' and gives up trying to contact you? If somebody didn't respond to me, it would say to me that they don't want to talk to me? Not that they want to work things out and get back together??! Am I right in thinking that you broke up with her as well? I think there's probably only so many times a dumpee will attempt contact to try to fix things, even if it is their fault, before they give up due to thinking they're not wanted. I agree with d0nnivain! If she calls you need to sit down and talk like adults. If you tell your ex that you want her to tell her parents about you and she still refuses, then you have your answer. I don't know if ignoring her for 30 days will get you the outcome you want.
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Screw No Contact for 30 days to try to flush out a response. Such a manipulative move. No Contact is for healing -- not to try to hold your ex hostage so they contact you. Seriously man, you've done this twice, and she comes back -- only to realize that everything is the exact same because neither one of you is looking to heal, evolve, and learn from what went wrong. So it repeats. Stop doing the same dumb stuff that hasn't worked. Her coming back to only leave again isn't an indication that this "30 days" stuff is working -- it just shows that the both of you are codependent on each other and completely incapable of sustaining a mature relationship that doesn't involve mind games. Go No Contact and stay No Contact. Actually learn something from this experience to apply to future experiences. Evolve as a person -- stop running in place. I like whatt your saying, but im still going silent! i've tried what your saying and it didnt work. If she cant be with me or tell her mother we are back together so i can stop picking her up a block away from her house or meeting in gas stations is just riduculus. If the no contact doesnt work or she doesent change her mind in bringing me in back wioth the fams, then i know she ws just using me for her own emotinal gain and intemacy, until then im out. This time around im not playing or waiting anymore she wants me she can find me, plain and simple!
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I like whatt your saying, but im still going silent! i've tried what your saying and it didnt work. If she cant be with me or tell her mother we are back together so i can stop picking her up a block away from her house or meeting in gas stations is just riduculus. If the no contact doesnt work or she doesent change her mind in bringing me in back wioth the fams, then i know she ws just using me for her own emotinal gain and intemacy, until then im out. This time around im not playing or waiting anymore she wants me she can find me, plain and simple! That is ridiculous. You are her dirty little secret. You don't have to put up with that but by the same token it's grounds for just ending this once & for all not screwing around with this BS NC punishment. NC is not going to make her change. Stop thinking it will. Grow a pair. Break up with her. Move on to a healthy relationship with a woman who is proud to show you off.
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 So say you go no contact for 30days and u ignore her when or if she phones. What is there to say that following u ignoring her contact, she doesn't say 'oh he's over this, he doesn't care' and gives up trying to contact you? If somebody didn't respond to me, it would say to me that they don't want to talk to me? Not that they want to work things out and get back together??! Am I right in thinking that you broke up with her as well? I think there's probably only so many times a dumpee will attempt contact to try to fix things, even if it is their fault, before they give up due to thinking they're not wanted. I agree with d0nnivain! If she calls you need to sit down and talk like adults. If you tell your ex that you want her to tell her parents about you and she still refuses, then you have your answer. I don't know if ignoring her for 30 days will get you the outcome you want. We did that already and she wont thats why i broke it off with her again, i want to let her know that i mean business and ignoring her for a period of time and not answering her when she contacts, will just tell herself that i could be with someone else and she would come by my house and then i will talk to her "again" until then i am going silent
Author bigfred Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 That is ridiculous. You are her dirty little secret. You don't have to put up with that but by the same token it's grounds for just ending this once & for all not screwing around with this BS NC punishment. NC is not going to make her change. Stop thinking it will. Grow a pair. Break up with her. Move on to a healthy relationship with a woman who is proud to show you off. I like your style, grow a pair!! love it, funny thing thats exactly what im doing, and she will notice when she is being igmored and tell herslef "dang it this gus is for real this time, i better fix things or im going to loose him, is waht im thinking is going to happen.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I like whatt your saying, but im still going silent! i've tried what your saying and it didnt work. If she cant be with me or tell her mother we are back together so i can stop picking her up a block away from her house or meeting in gas stations is just riduculus. If the no contact doesnt work or she doesent change her mind in bringing me in back wioth the fams, then i know she ws just using me for her own emotinal gain and intemacy, until then im out. This time around im not playing or waiting anymore she wants me she can find me, plain and simple! No you haven't tried what I'm saying -- you keep responding and going back to her. What I'm saying is to go silent and stay silent and move forward. You haven't done what I'm saying at all -- you've done basically the opposite. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I like your style, grow a pair!! love it, funny thing thats exactly what im doing, and she will notice when she is being igmored and tell herslef "dang it this gus is for real this time, i better fix things or im going to loose him, is waht im thinking is going to happen. No she won't. She'll do what she has to do to get you back where she wants you to be, then she'll go back to the behavior that best suits her. She's done this over and over and you fall for it every time. 1
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