Hurting&Confused Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been together almost four years. I love him deeply and I believe that he loves me. Despite this love, we have so many problems and it breaks my heart. We fight so often and I frequently go to bed hurt and angry. He says or does things that are hurtful and no matter how many times I tell him how much he hurts me, it doesn't stop. We go through the whole routine: he says or does something hurtful, frequently it starts out as hurtful teasing, I get upset and we yell at each other, I end up crying and hating myself, feeling hopeless, and like a wimp, he expects to say sorry and everything is fine. He falls asleep no problem and I lie awake overwhelmed and sad. I never expected my life to turn out like this, or to find someone that I love so deeply, yet get hurt by. I feel pathetic, I used to say I would never put up with this kind of thing and yet I am. I have no idea what to do. I suggest couseling and he says we can't afford it or he doesn't want to go. I have almost left several times and we both just end of breaking down. He apologizes and says he will try... We are basically married in every sense but the legal. I desperately want some way to fix this, some hope that there are other options. On top of all this, I may be pregnant and he knows. My breasts have been really sore lately and I've told him, yet he repeatedly jokes about it or grabs at them and says I'm lying about them hurting. Tonight we got in another fight about it and he says he's going to sleep in the car. He messed up and I end up feeling like the jerk. Wow, I wrote a lot... Some advice please.. Does anyone think there is any hope for us? Or is it time to throw in the towel? Thank you
d'Arthez Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Time to throw in the towel. There are quite a few signs that suggest possible emotional abuse. And if you have told him that you have sore breasts, he has no business grabbing them, and invalidating your statements and feelings. That is outright abusive, and you can't leave an abuser too soon. Unless he is autistic, but then he should behave to everyone in a similar and at times hurtful way. And even then, he has little control over his behavior. If he is autistic he would need to see a professional for all related issues, as living with an autistic person can be really hard.
Butterflye Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Hi there hurtingandconfused, Ok, I don't obviously know the full situation or exactly what it is that he does, but while I do vouch for counselling, remember, that all counselling is is getting you two to PROPERLY talk. You two REALLY need to have a proper talk, especially if you think that you may be about to have a child together! You need to pre-arrange this talk, write down exactly what it is you want to say to him, but you have to try and not get overly emotional. Getting overly emotional will mean that it will be very difficult for you to express to him exactly the points you mean to get across. Arrange a time, say a Sunday afternoon, when neither of you have prior plans to go to beofre or after, you need time to sort this out. Sit him down and TELL him what it is that is botherin you. Be specific. Men usually can't deal with long elaborate discussions about feelings or emotions, you need to hone in on the EXACT things that bother you and state it, so he fully understands. Tell him: - I DO NOT like the insensitive way you tease me - I DO NOT like the way you think 'sorry' makes eveyrthin better when the siuation is not dealt with - I DO NOT like it when you say/ do....(whatever it is he does) See what he says, if he can understand where he is going wrong. If he says it's not a big deal, he's only joking, just be firm, say that while it may be jokin for him, it doesn't change that YOU do not like it, and that's all that matters, whethe he means it in jes or not. Possibly a 'wake-up-idiot' call is needed. Say you love him but if he can't understand this, then he is pushin you further away, that if he cannot stop and continues like his, the relationship is jsut plain too destructive for you. Say you are saying this now to try and fix things before they become un-fixable. If he does not change, painful as it is, you will have to leave him! You cannot leave yourself in a relationhip where you constantly feel put-down. It's not good for either of you! You never know, leaving him may make him realise his faults and change his way to get you back (if he loves you) but DO NOT try to leave him jsut to get a rise out of him. You have to do it becuase you know it is either these things change or it has to end. If he doe change, then good for you, if he doesn't, you are seriously emotionally better off without him. You need to take control of your own happiness! I hope this helps!! Good luck
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