duke91 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So something my husband has said to me recently has really bothered me. First of all, a little background information. We've known each other for 6 years and have been married for a year and a half. We don't have any children and don't plan on having any for at least another 3 years. But we do talk about children a lot. So one day he said that I'm crazy if I think that he's gonna change diapers and get up in the middle of the night with the baby. It really bothers me because I feel like those are things that he should help out with. I'm not saying all the time I'm just saying sometimes but he acts like no way its never going to happen. SI here's my dilemma. I don't want to have children with a man that doesn't think he has to help wit them. But not having children is a deal breaker for me. I've thought, well maybe it'll change when we do have a baby. But honestly I don't want to take that chance. I need to know that he will help me. And he's always said that if we did ever have children and I tried to leave him, that he would take my children from me. Has anyone else ever had this issue? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.
WonderWoman911 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So one day he said that I'm crazy if I think that he's gonna change diapers and get up in the middle of the night with the baby. I think he answered your question for you. He's letting you know. Don't be naïve and waste years "hoping" that he's going to change. You already said it yourself that you don't want to have a child with someone who doesn't think he should help. That's the whole of idea of parenting. There's a mother AND father raising the child.Then the idea of him saying if you leave him, he will take the kids? No,no,no. You don't want to deal with that. Suppose the relationship/marriage doesn't work out for whatever reason, but here he goes trying to take custody? That's bs. Don't gamble your life with these circumstances. How he's acting already BEFORE there's a child in the picture makes you think how he's going to act in the future. Be smart. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So one day he said that I'm crazy if I think that he's gonna change diapers and get up in the middle of the night with the baby. It really bothers me because I feel like those are things that he should help out with. You're over-thinking - and worrying about - this. Men don't grow up playing with dolls and fantasizing about having and caring for a baby. Much of what you've probably been preparing for since childhood is a foreign concept to him. Many guys even struggle with connecting their wives growing baby bump with the eventual person joining the family. Fortunately, it all changes the first time we hold our kid. And I'd bet his tough guy attitude now will melt the first time that occurs. Give it time... Mr. Lucky 2
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So something my husband has said to me recently has really bothered me. First of all, a little background information. We've known each other for 6 years and have been married for a year and a half. We don't have any children and don't plan on having any for at least another 3 years. But we do talk about children a lot. So one day he said that I'm crazy if I think that he's gonna change diapers and get up in the middle of the night with the baby. It really bothers me because I feel like those are things that he should help out with. I'm not saying all the time I'm just saying sometimes but he acts like no way its never going to happen. SI here's my dilemma. I don't want to have children with a man that doesn't think he has to help wit them. But not having children is a deal breaker for me. I've thought, well maybe it'll change when we do have a baby. But honestly I don't want to take that chance. I need to know that he will help me. And he's always said that if we did ever have children and I tried to leave him, that he would take my children from me. Has anyone else ever had this issue? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. These two comments are huge red flags. He literally told you that caring for the baby is solely your job and if you ever left him he would punish you in the most painful way imaginable. Think long and hard about having children with a man of his character. 8
dichotomy Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Tell me about his involvement now in your marriage - is he giving, help out with stuff around home equally? when your sick make dinner, clean, or get groceries and stuff? If you have kids are you staying home to raise them ? When you talk about kids does he seem excited about being a dad - talk about dad stuff? fun stuff with his children? The "not getting up in the middle of the night for diapers" is one comment that I could see maybe is not so bad - but the "I will take the kids in a divorce" comment is kind of troubling and sick. Edited January 13, 2015 by dichotomy 1
jackslife Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Two issues here I think. 1. As a man the thought of changing nappies and cleaning, feeding your child etc seems unthinkable. Once your baby is put into your arms your world changes for ever. I never minded changing nappies and for those night changes we used to take it in turns. Or I'd do the early shift and my wife the second. It's a tough but very rewarding time. My son is 13 years old now, and I'd love to go back in time and do it one more time. 2. However, are you sure you want children with this man. Where does this "if we break up I'll take our child" come from? Are there any other red flags in this relationship you should be noticing but are ignoring? Is he more aggressive, distant, etc. etc. Is he saying things to piss you off and start a fight over nothing. I'd put the whole baby thing to one side and have a serious look at his attitude and if things aren't quite as rosy as you think they are. There could be a lot more to his attitude to child raising than meets the eye.
Author duke91 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I feel as if overall our marriage is good. He doesn't treat me badly. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He likes cooking so we take turns with dinner, he does do house work sometimes. He is so great with children, all of his older siblings have children. A few things that he does that I don't like, he likes to point out that he makes more money than I do. I work full time and I have a home networking business on the side. Yes he does make more money than I do, but it's not like I don't contribute. I like to tell him that I will gladly quit my job and stay he full time. But of course he doesn't like that idea, he says my money pays for all the extras in our life. I've said that when we have children that I don't want to go back to work. 1 I have a fear of missing important milestones. 2 his family is the only family that's here and even though I love them, I don't want them to be the ones watching my kid on a regular basis. 3 because I wouldn't let my kid go with his family I definitely don't want to have to pay for daycare, and 4 I just dislike my job in general. But even though he likes to tell me how he makes more money then me, he's said he doesn't want me to stop working. Even when we have a baby. I've noticed a few 1 sided things in our relationship. Not like huge issues and not things that happen on a daily basis just little things. I'm honestly very happy with him. I'm just freaking out over the future. I don't want to be left solely to take care of a child that he helped make. Yes I understand things like nursing he can't really do lol but changing diapers? Cmon. He had always said oh we're never having kids, I think he's scared he'll be a bad father because his father was never around. I finally had to sit down with him one night and be like look I want a kid someday. Maybe in like 4 or 5 years. And he agreed that he would be fine with that. He's also a big joker. I have no way of telling if he was serious when he told me he wouldn't change diapers and get up in the middle of the night or if he was serious.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 He had always said oh we're never having kids, I think he's scared he'll be a bad father because his father was never around. So you're pre-judging his parental abilities in regards to the kids he always says he doesn't want ??? There's definitely some unreasonableness is your relationship and it's not all coming from him... Mr. Lucky
Author duke91 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 No.. I think he would be a great father. I see him with his neices and know he'll be great. He's the one who has said he's worried he won't be a good father because his father was never around. I'm not looking for reasons to be upset with my husband. I just want to know that I'll have support from him when we have children.
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 .... I just want to know that I'll have support from him when we have children. Then you need to ask him - "If I'm tired - exhausted - and have been caring for the baby all day, can I please know now, that if i need your help, support and comfort, I will be able to depend on you to be the dad, and do the things that will need doing - which includes feeding/changing?" You need to obtain a commitment from the horse's mouth. only then, will you know what to expect, realistically..... 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 My husband said similar things to me. His mother & father confirmed that they did not see him doing any of those things. We married later in life. I was always on the fence about kids. When he said he wouldn't help, I said you want them more than me & if you think you are not going to do those things, we are not going to have kids. It was as simple as that for me. About a year ago he asked me if I changed my mind about IVF. I asked if he changed his mind about helping. He said No. So I said no to IVF. I don't want to be a married single parent. He's fine with that. If you really love him & want to stay married, keep talking to him. Expose him to more babies (i.e. volunteer to sit for your nieces & nephews & your friends' kids) Many men do change their minds when it's their kids. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 If you really love him & want to stay married, keep talking to him. Expose him to more babies (i.e. volunteer to sit for your nieces & nephews & your friends' kids) Many men do change their minds when it's their kids. That would be one option. Another would be believing him when he says he doesn't want kids. Some spouses see their partners as a block of granite and plan to chip away everything they don't like until the remaining statue fits their needs. That their partner might not be a willing participant comes as a surprise... Mr. Lucky
SJS Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 My husband had said something similar. He also said he wanted nothing to do with the baby if it was a girl, so I "better have a boy". And guess what? We had a girl. Not only did he dote on her, he is also wrapped around her finger. I'd be less concerned with ^^this and more concerned about the part of taking the kids if you left him. 1
Rainbowlove Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 They say it takes a village to raise a baby, b/c it takes a village to raise a baby. I know there are single mom and dad's in the world and when my partner or I get sick and are unable to help each other care for our 4 year old, I always think of the single parents in the world and wonder how they do it? It's hard damn work caring for our kids. It takes two full time parents to give them the proper care and attention they deserve. If he stands by his comments, I think you had better seriously reconsider your marriage. Having to do all the hands on caring for your kids is tiring and you'll become angry and resentful and the whole experience will be a JOB!!! I wish you luck, but don't think you can change him, bc you can't. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 That would be one option. Another would be believing him when he says he doesn't want kids. Some spouses see their partners as a block of granite and plan to chip away everything they don't like until the remaining statue fits their needs. That their partner might not be a willing participant comes as a surprise... Mr. Lucky I thought the OPs husband wanted kids but didn't want to change diapers or get up in the middle of the night with a crying baby / sick child, which is a bit different. If he's saying no to kids altogether, absolutely assume that won't change. So it's either stay married & give up your own dream of kids or walk. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Understood, she sort of dropped this in as part of a follow-up post: He had always said oh we're never having kids duke91, since you're obviously interested in having children, why marry someone who feels this way? Mr. Lucky 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Mr. Lucky -- thanks for the clarification. OP / duke91 if he said he won't help, you may be able to change his mind, especially after he holds his 1st born in his arms. If he said he doesn't want kids, take him at his word & get an annulment. The failure to disclose a no kids stance before marriage is grounds for an annulment in even the most strict religions. If you don't care about that just get a divorce. 1
sandylee1 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So something my husband has said to me recently has really bothered me. First of all, a little background information. We've known each other for 6 years and have been married for a year and a half. We don't have any children and don't plan on having any for at least another 3 years. But we do talk about children a lot. So one day he said that I'm crazy if I think that he's gonna change diapers and get up in the middle of the night with the baby. It really bothers me because I feel like those are things that he should help out with. I'm not saying all the time I'm just saying sometimes but he acts like no way its never going to happen. SI here's my dilemma. I don't want to have children with a man that doesn't think he has to help wit them. But not having children is a deal breaker for me. I've thought, well maybe it'll change when we do have a baby. But honestly I don't want to take that chance. I need to know that he will help me. And he's always said that if we did ever have children and I tried to leave him, that he would take my children from me. Has anyone else ever had this issue? I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. This is not a man you want to have children with. Thank heavens he has told you and showed you his views in relation to having children. My H said he would help out with the kids a lot more than he actually did when they came along and he wanted lots of kids. I said you've shown you don't help out enough, so no I'm not bearing any more kids for you. This will cause BIG problems and I imagine you will ultimately have very different views on parenting. The threat he has made about taking children away if you left him is a really big red flag. Think very carefully if you want children with this man. Once you do, you are tied and have to have dealings with him for almost the rest of your life. School, hospital, graduations, marriage etc Maybe make a list of all the things that are important to you with child rearing and discuss. Another thing might be to read some parenting books and gain more ideas of his views. That way you will know whether you can get passed the diaper stage, if he is great in all other ways. Once you have kids, it's much much harder to leave a marriage. Keep posting 4
Emerald_11 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I agree with a lot of the advice you have been given already. I think you will be very unhappy if you have a family with your husband. You will be exhausted when he does not help with the baby. It is totally uncool of him to point out how much money he makes compared to your income. 1
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 you know him more than the rest of us. Is he an ass? All men have probably cocked off and said they aren't changing diapers etc (I never changed a diaper in my life until my first was born and I was 37 years old at that time) But context is what is important here. Is he selfish and self-centered and uncaring about other people as just part of his character? How is he with other people's kids and babies? is he at least comfortable around them and respectful towards them or is he irritated and inconvenienced with them? Does he try to avoid them and not have them around?
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 ...And the comment about taking them away is what is troubling. For starters is bullcrap because a man that won't change diapers or get up at night is not a man that is going to want to have primary custody. (and lets keep in mind that the courts won't let him keep them from you, so he's talking out his ass in the first place) What is concerning is he is saying that to scare and intimidate you which also points to him being an ass. If he is an ass that doesn't like kids, is self-centered and willing to manipulate and intimidate people, you really need to reconsider having kids with him. People have this romantic notion that big tough guys hearts will melt when they hold their baby for the first time but that only applies to men that are decent, kind, compassionate, respectful people in the first place. Guys that are self-centered, don't like kids and have no fondness or comfort with kids do NOT change. They remain self-centered and egotistical and remain annoyed with and irritated by kids and ultimately abandon both their children and their children's mothers when they are inconvenienced by the demands of parenthood too much for their liking. If he is a dick that doesn't like kids and is an ass to people, don't reproduce with him. 2
pink_sugar Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sorry, but honestly I think you should leave this guy considering what you just said. -He won't help with the care-taking of the child -If you have children with him, he will make it very difficult for you if you ever get divorced So it sounds like your choices are: -Divorce him now before children are involved -Don't have children if you stay with him
pink_sugar Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 These two comments are huge red flags. He literally told you that caring for the baby is solely your job and if you ever left him he would punish you in the most painful way imaginable. Think long and hard about having children with a man of his character. This 100%.
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