Art_Critic Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Compromise doesn't apply here cuz there's a TV in the bedroom and he only needs it for 1-2 hours. "Why" does he need the TV in the main room? Fixed that for you, see it works both ways.. he doesn't need it more than her BTW... 2
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Compromise what? There's no problem here. She can simply go to the bedroom. Compromise, IMO is when there's no other option and someone has to bend...for example, sex every day might be a problem if one party wants it more than the other. One partner likes it only a couple of times a week cuz they are tired. "Compromise" will be the party wanting more sex to help the other get more rest, with household chores, etc so that the partner would have more energy for sex. Compromise doesn't apply here cuz there's a TV in the bedroom and she only needs it for 1-2 hours. "Why" does she need the TV in the main room? You keep thinking that this is about the television. This is about his lack of respect for her wishes and needs. That is a big problem.
Anela Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 You know, this thread speaks towards the crap men have to face when living with a woman... Believe it or not, the woman dominates the home. We decorate it to our tastes and clean it. We use it mostly cuz we are - as the matriarchs - are the ones who socialize and our "home" is what we use for it. Men, to keep their masculinity and sanity need their "man's cave". They need that part of the home that still looks and feels "masculine" where they can be a "guy". That's also why I believe in "guy time". Women should allow their guys to go and have beers with the guys and let him recharge his "guy" batteries. Same way women should go to the mall, beauty salon, and manicures with the girls. Again, I think what is needed here is communication and respect for the sexes. Shoot, the "childish" behavior some people think this guy is doing is probably him sort of "marking" his territory in the home. WOMEN - A man commits to you and gives you an entire freakin' home...is it too hard to just give him space in it? Geesh, men take so much crap. I mean, even in their own home, a woman reduces him to a "den", "garage" as the only place in his whole home that actually reflects him and his manliness...IMO, that's freakin humiliating. But, that's men, they just wanna make the woman happy and sacrifice a lot. My parents share the bills. There was a time when my mother made more than my dad. Why are you so quick to decide that the woman is the problem? 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Compromise what? There's no problem here. She can simply go to the bedroom. Compromise, IMO is when there's no other option and someone has to bend...for example, sex every day might be a problem if one party wants it more than the other. One partner likes it only a couple of times a week cuz they are tired. "Compromise" will be the party wanting more sex to help the other get more rest, with household chores, etc so that the partner would have more energy for sex. Compromise doesn't apply here cuz there's a TV in the bedroom and she only needs it for 1-2 hours. "Why" does she need the TV in the main room? A couple who can't compromise on TV time surely won't be able to come to a mutual satisfying arrangement regarding sex, LOL! Yea, good luck with that! 1
Author misty12 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 My husband has a gaming addiction and has had it for YEARS. I have given up on fighting that a long time ago so changing that is not my focus. He has improved however.. He will go for months with only intermittent gaming, but if he finds a new game that he really likes he will be glued to it for weeks at a time and do nothing else. On a Saturday I can leave the house at 8:30 AM and come back at 8:30 PM to find him in exactly the same spot on the couch in front of the TV, and he had not eaten or showered. I'm not a big TV person, I prefer reading or the computer so when I do want to watch a TV show it is not a common occurrence. Often I will sit in the living room with him and watch a show on my iPad with my headphones so he can continue to game with me there. Our living room was set up with the big fancy TV, surround sound, and technology so I guess I agreed from the beginning that it was to be the man cave without realizing it.
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 My husband has a gaming addiction and has had it for YEARS. I have given up on fighting that a long time ago so changing that is not my focus. He has improved however.. He will go for months with only intermittent gaming, but if he finds a new game that he really likes he will be glued to it for weeks at a time and do nothing else. On a Saturday I can leave the house at 8:30 AM and come back at 8:30 PM to find him in exactly the same spot on the couch in front of the TV, and he had not eaten or showered. I'm not a big TV person, I prefer reading or the computer so when I do want to watch a TV show it is not a common occurrence. Often I will sit in the living room with him and watch a show on my iPad with my headphones so he can continue to game with me there. Our living room was set up with the big fancy TV, surround sound, and technology so I guess I agreed from the beginning that it was to be the man cave without realizing it. I have a big television and fancy sound equipment as well. That does not mean I agreed to an addiction or to be sidelined in favour of it. It sounds like you are unwilling to address his gaming, so what do you plan to do about this? 1
evanescentworld Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 misty12, the last question in your OP was "Is this normal in a relationship?" I would say most definitely not. but it seems normal in yours, given that you admit he has a gaming addiction. You maintain that you "have given up on fighting that a long time ago so changing that is not my focus." I hate to say it, but actually it is - or if it isn't, it should be. Because that is at the heart of the issue. The problem is not that you want to use the TV and he's monopolising it. The problem is that he would have to give up time on the TV to you - and he's patently not even willing to discuss that. So his addiction is really affecting his relationship with you. You need to address the real basis of this problem. And that is that he puts his addiction above accommodating you. And that, as far as I would be concerned, would be a major deal-breaker for me. 3
Author misty12 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 He does accommodate when I insist.. But makes his displeasure known so that it's not even enjoyable for me to use the TV. So I feel like no matter what I'm able to negotiate with him,I have to deal with whining and impatience.
serial muse Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 He does accommodate when I insist.. But makes his displeasure known so that it's not even enjoyable for me to use the TV. So I feel like no matter what I'm able to negotiate with him,I have to deal with whining and impatience. Yes, this, to me, is the issue. The whining has got to go. If you've decided to accommodate his desire to do some intensive gaming, then that's your call - but you clearly haven't agreed to give up all rights to the TV in perpetuity. If you had, you wouldn't be upset about it now! He's just appropriating it. Not cool. So that's what you need to re-negotiate with him. Buying a nice TV and sound system is NOT a tacit agreement that you never get to use it! Sit his butt down and get this out. Even if you have to set up a schedule so he knows when it's time to vacate - he needs to be accommodating of you, too, and now's the time to put your foot down on that. I would be supremely annoyed and unable to enjoy a program if I had to spend 30 minutes arguing about it before I could sit down to watch it, not to mention the rest of the program quietly stewing about the injustice of it all. 1
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 He does accommodate when I insist.. But makes his displeasure known so that it's not even enjoyable for me to use the TV. So I feel like no matter what I'm able to negotiate with him,I have to deal with whining and impatience. That is because he is an addict and wants his fix. You said you are unwilling to address this aspect of the relationship. Addicts take and take while enablers give and give. You will lose yourself in this unless it is addressed head on. 3
Quiet Storm Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) This reminds me of the time I installed the Xfinity remote control app on my phone, and then pretended to be playing on my phone while I secretly kept changing the channel from my husband's HBO show to the Investigation Discovery channel. Since the real remote was in his hand, it was pretty funny to watch his reaction and frustration, all confused and saying "WTF is wrong with the remote!!!". My husband also likes to control the TV, but he will give it up if we want to watch. We all like the living room TV, even though there is a family room downstairs and smaller TVs in all of our bedrooms. I like it because I can do stuff in the kitchen and still see the TV. He likes it because it's 60 inch and our other ones are smaller. The kids like it because its a smart TV and has internet and Netflix on it. It's also the one that we have the PS4 hooked up to. The TV downstairs is also big but has Xbox, and my husband likes PS4 better. He doesn't play video games that much, though. He'll go through spurts when new games come out, but it doesn't last. Anyway, I think your issue is less about the TV and more about his unwillingness to compromise, which could be just his nature or it could be related to an addiction. I agree that watching TV in your room is a solution, but also feel like he is being unreasonable. If he is unreasonable about a lot of things in your life, then this may just be his character. If he is only unreasonable about this particular issue, then I'd suspect he does have a video game addiction. Can you discuss it with him and make it not about "control of the TV" but more like "I love you and am worried about you. Your life seems to revolve around video games. Your unwillingness to compromise for even an hour is just unreasonable. Do you think your game use is excessive? I don't like seeing you like this, and I also don't like how you are treating me. I don't know what to do about it, so I am coming to you for insight. How can we work this out?" Edited January 13, 2015 by Quiet Storm
Emilia Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 He does accommodate when I insist.. But makes his displeasure known so that it's not even enjoyable for me to use the TV. So I feel like no matter what I'm able to negotiate with him,I have to deal with whining and impatience. Of course you do because he is an addict. The same with alcoholics or smokers or whatever, you take away their addiction and they start stressing. You chose that path when you took the easy option and gave up on his addiciton problem. I don't know whether this will get worse but I'd imagine unless you tackle the cause, you will probably keep struggling long term.
MissBee Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 misty12, the last question in your OP was "Is this normal in a relationship?" I would say most definitely not. but it seems normal in yours, given that you admit he has a gaming addiction. You maintain that you "have given up on fighting that a long time ago so changing that is not my focus." I hate to say it, but actually it is - or if it isn't, it should be. Because that is at the heart of the issue. The problem is not that you want to use the TV and he's monopolising it. The problem is that he would have to give up time on the TV to you - and he's patently not even willing to discuss that. So his addiction is really affecting his relationship with you. You need to address the real basis of this problem. And that is that he puts his addiction above accommodating you. And that, as far as I would be concerned, would be a major deal-breaker for me. I agree 100% with this.
Got it Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 But why can't "she" compromise? She just wants to lounge and watch TV. Then put a reclining/rocker chair in the bedroom. They sell those chairs in small sizes you know - it won't take up much room in the bedroom. I have one in my room and my mum's room. Actually, I'm reclining in mine right now and responding to this thread. I didn't believe in moving the Xbox from the main room cuz now a days video games are so much a "group" thing that sometimes when people come over, they'll even play video games with you, do karaoke, even those dancing games. Oh, and some video games are used to play DVDs. But then again, I believe in sort of a "den" room. That's what I did with one of my bedrooms. I'd go there and watch TV with the dog and fart and drink beer. When siblings come over to visit, I'd have them play video games there. When guests come to sleep over, that's the room they use. I don't want people frequenting and/or soiling the main living room. That's where I want to entertain guests. So, in the OP's case, maybe he can turn the bedroom into his little "gamer" room and they put the reclining chair in there for him, cuz, again, for me, turning the main/living room into a "play area" is a no-go for me. If he was gaming and people came over, where would I be able to entertain the guests? So, a mature and detailed convo needs to take place here...not "treating him like he's a kid". Compromise means both parties give. Your recommendation is a concession on her part. He is not compromising anything. Actually, to me, the bigger issue is his seeming addiction to gaming than use of the TV. Sorry, it doesn't sound like he has anything to do if he has that much time to game. I would not find that remotely attractive. We have a "man cave" with a big screen and recliner seats down in the basement. My husband will watch movies down there or sports. Most of my TV viewing is the TV in the kitchen as I am in there the most in the sitting area. We have a TV in the bedroom as well. I would sit down and ask him for a compromise if he won't concede then I would buy another TV and set it up in the room you want to spend most of your time in.
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