BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yes, and thank you. I'm definitely healing, but in reference to the 5 stages of grief I think I'm on number 3 (bargaining). I'm trying to realize that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Easier said than done. Good to know that you're in the 5 stages (so you eventually move through them). It's pretty normal for a betrayed partner to be their own worst critic. No matter how you slice it, it certainly feels like rejection. But the fact of the matter is that wayward partners almost always have either an excessive need for external validation, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or are severely conflict-avoidant. Many times there's a toxic combination. The healthy and honorable thing to in an unhappy relationship is to fix it or at least leave it before engaging with someone else. But for broken people, the affections of one person are never enough, or they feel they deserve more than one person's affections, or they cannot even effectively communicate that they are unhappy. The key thing to note about all of those is that they have nothing to do with the betrayed partner. Cheating isn't a relationship problem; it's a personal problem. Hell, there's a ton of wayward spouses on the Infidelity board that openly state that they have a perfectly good marriage and spouse at home and yet found themselves cheating anyway. But I get that it's going to take time for you. I'm 3 1/2 years post Dday and I still sometimes struggle with hyperanalysis of my "contributions." Fortunately, I always come back to the realization that those thoughts are really mularky. My exwife can own her piss poor decisions. I was denied a vote. Feels good to eventually reach stage 5 and stay there. I don't fully understand the 'why' behind her choices but at this point, I bet understand them better than she does. Even if she tried to give an explanation, it'd make no sense because there's no logic behind it. It's based on a bunch of mental gymnastics to rationalize poor behavior or they just compartmentalize those uncomfortable thoughts away altogether. Eventually, acceptance (and closure) comes from within. Good luck. 2
runredlights Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Good to know that you're in the 5 stages (so you eventually move through them). It's pretty normal for a betrayed partner to be their own worst critic. No matter how you slice it, it certainly feels like rejection. But the fact of the matter is that wayward partners almost always have either an excessive need for external validation, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or are severely conflict-avoidant. Many times there's a toxic combination. The healthy and honorable thing to in an unhappy relationship is to fix it or at least leave it before engaging with someone else. But for broken people, the affections of one person are never enough, or they feel they deserve more than one person's affections, or they cannot even effectively communicate that they are unhappy. The key thing to note about all of those is that they have nothing to do with the betrayed partner. Cheating isn't a relationship problem; it's a personal problem. Hell, there's a ton of wayward spouses on the Infidelity board that openly state that they have a perfectly good marriage and spouse at home and yet found themselves cheating anyway. But I get that it's going to take time for you. I'm 3 1/2 years post Dday and I still sometimes struggle with hyperanalysis of my "contributions." Fortunately, I always come back to the realization that those thoughts are really mularky. My exwife can own her piss poor decisions. I was denied a vote. Feels good to eventually reach stage 5 and stay there. I don't fully understand the 'why' behind her choices but at this point, I bet understand them better than she does. Even if she tried to give an explanation, it'd make no sense because there's no logic behind it. It's based on a bunch of mental gymnastics to rationalize poor behavior or they just compartmentalize those uncomfortable thoughts away altogether. Eventually, acceptance (and closure) comes from within. Good luck. That is really concise advise thanks. Did you find out about the cheating or did she come clean? Did your ex wife offer any resolutions or was she already checked out? Or did you just divorce her immediately. I cannot fathom why I was discarded after she was the one who betrayed me. Totally ass backwards. I agree in that my ex is a broken person.
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 That is really concise advise thanks. Did you find out about the cheating or did she come clean? Did your ex wife offer any resolutions or was she already checked out? Or did you just divorce her immediately. I cannot fathom why I was discarded after she was the one who betrayed me. Totally ass backwards. I agree in that my ex is a broken person. My story is a lengthy one and worthy of a Lifetime movie. To be brief, I discovered my wife's infidelity after she inexplicably told me that she might want to separate. Ironically, it was actually our lack of significant marital problems that ultimately led me to investigate the possibility of another man. She initially lied unsuccessfully and then confessed, agreed to break off the affair, blah, blah, blah. There's a lot to the middle of the stoey but in brief, I continued to catch her in lies and I eventually flipped out (more to that story, too) and we both called it quits after 8 months of trying to reconcile. For what it's worth, I also felt discarded like a piece of trash. Some years later, I'm glad to be done with it but I still have about a dozen years of coparenting remaining. Out of respect to the original poster, I'd suggest you start your own thread in the Infidelity forum so we don't continue to hijack this one. There's a lot of help to be found there and you'd be welcomed.
runredlights Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Oh sorry I'm new to LS. I will learn the etiquette. Carry on everyone.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 are there BS that know their WS was much more sexually satisfied in their affair? Q. How would you know whether or not this was true? A. Your WS tells you. Q. And this person has a track record of honesty and full-disclosure? A. Uhhhhhh.... Mr. Lucky 2
sidney2718 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 That is really concise advise thanks. Did you find out about the cheating or did she come clean? Did your ex wife offer any resolutions or was she already checked out? Or did you just divorce her immediately. I cannot fathom why I was discarded after she was the one who betrayed me. Totally ass backwards. I agree in that my ex is a broken person. You may be right. But you may also be wrong. Perhaps what your ex had was an "exit affair", one that gets her psyche up for a divorce.
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 You may be right. But you may also be wrong. Perhaps what your ex had was an "exit affair", one that gets her psyche up for a divorce. Whatever excuse floats your boat. An exit affair is still a sign of a broken person to me - can't possibly leave one person without clinging onto another. 2
aStranger Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 My story is a lengthy one and worthy of a Lifetime movie. Dude - I read your story and I ended up getting choked up 3 separate times. I'm truly sorry you had to live through that horror but you seem to be coming out the other end a better man. I also respect that you tried hard to save your family even through a lot of "trickle truth" crap. And the final straw - her post online and the couch thing - just makes me want to give you a bro-hug. In your case the sexual component had to be crushing. You did the right thing divorcing her. It sounds like the co-parenting thing is working better and I hope life (kharma) deals you a much better hand with your love life from now on. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Dude - I read your story and I ended up getting choked up 3 separate times. I'm truly sorry you had to live through that horror but you seem to be coming out the other end a better man. I also respect that you tried hard to save your family even through a lot of "trickle truth" crap. And the final straw - her post online and the couch thing - just makes me want to give you a bro-hug. In your case the sexual component had to be crushing. You did the right thing divorcing her. It sounds like the co-parenting thing is working better and I hope life (kharma) deals you a much better hand with your love life from now on. Thanks for the support. It was a remarkable ordeal. The sexual component may have been more disturbing for me if there hadn't been so many other things to be disturbed about. It seemed it would never end. Fortunately, it did (other than continued coparenting). I also appreciate the support for having made the effort to save the family. It may have been fruitless (and I took a lot of heat for it at the time) but I'm proud to have done it regardless.
runredlights Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I don't want to continue hijacking, but can you clarify what you mean by a broken person specifically?
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