HereNorThere Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I've noticed that a common theme amongst reconciled couples is the downplaying of the sexual component of the affair (especially if the BS is male.) Is this something that is necessary in a successful R or are there BS that know their WS was much more sexually satisfied in their affair? You just rarely (if ever) hear a male admit that they stayed knowing that they were not considered as good a lover (sexually) as the AP. I'm equally interested in the female perspective, although this seems to bother most females less than the reconciled males (in my observation.)
Sub Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I don't think it's necessary for a successful R. I don't know if I was as good or better or worse than the OM. I know it was different. I would never pretend like I'm the world's greatest lover. Or say that we didn't have spells in our 20 years together where it was mediocre. I'm also sure the guy's d**k was probably bigger than mine. But I've really just focused on how I've treated my WW in bed, what I'm good at and how it feels when we're together. The physical aspect of their A was never a huge issue with me in regards to how it affected my self-esteem or insecurities. 2
Realist3 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Just the opposite in what I witness. It the male BS's that can't get over the sex and downplay the emotional side. Women BS's on the other hand dismiss the sex and are concerned about the emotional. 4
Buckeye2 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Men fear sexual affairs - but women are more upset if their partner falls in love with someone else Study by Chapman University, California, found 54 per cent of heterosexual men were more likely to be more hurt by sexual infidelityBut 65 per cent of women would be more hurt if their partner fell in loveExperts claim this is because of evolutionary differences where men fear they may not be the father of their partner's baby Men fear sexual affairs but women are more upset if their partner falls in love with someone else | Daily Mail Online 4
Author HereNorThere Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I totally agree with you guys and the data. Sorry if my post didn't make that clear. I'm just wondering if there are BS that know for certain their WS enjoyed sex more with their AP or do most reconciled partners downplay the sex as a means of coping? I know for certain most men fear another lad giving their bird a good rodgering.
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I totally agree with you guys and the data. Sorry if my post didn't make that clear. I'm just wondering if there are BS that know for certain their WS enjoyed sex more with their AP or do most reconciled partners downplay the sex as a means of coping? I know for certain most men fear another lad giving their bird a good rodgering. Your post was clear. I think both genders in affairs will downplay the sexual component to their spouse. It is part self preservation and part sparing the spouses feelings but mostly the former. I have an ex-friend who told her husband the sex was terrible but told a very different story to me. She said it was the best sex she had ever had, yet her husband thinks it was mediocre at best. What you have to understand is that cheaters are liars who will do anything to keep the status quo. Lying to their spouses once the affair comes to light is par for the course, especially if they hope to keep their marriage in tact. 2
DKT3 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I've noticed that a common theme amongst reconciled couples is the downplaying of the sexual component of the affair (especially if the BS is male.) Is this something that is necessary in a successful R or are there BS that know their WS was much more sexually satisfied in their affair? You just rarely (if ever) hear a male admit that they stayed knowing that they were not considered as good a lover (sexually) as the AP. I'm equally interested in the female perspective, although this seems to bother most females less than the reconciled males (in my observation.) I think most BH's actually obsess about the physical element of his wife's affair. For me the sexual component wasn't as big a deal once I got my daughters DNA results. I struggled with the emotional element of her affair. The fact that she shared things with him that she never shared with me, in terms of fears and dreams. It really boiled down to a lack of trust she had in me.
DbleBetrayal Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Yeah, the sex part pi55es me off the most. It's the thing that really makes me incredibly furious, and disgusted. That's my honest deep down feelings about it. The most disrespectful thing I ever, ever had to come to terms with was their screwing sessions. And I am the betrayed wife. However, the OW was supposed to be my best friend, which may be why the f@#*ng part has disturbed me more than anything else. Maybe if it had been someone I couldn't envision or if the OW meant nothing to me, the screwing part wouldn't pi55 me off so much. But it probably would. It's disturbing knowing your man is getting his rocks off with someone else, and coming home to you doing the same thing- disgusting. Potentially giving you STDS etc, it's just straight forward disrespectful. I still find it hard to believe someone can say they love you and totally disrespect you like that. That's something I'm stuck on understanding in R. It's the worst. Edited January 13, 2015 by DbleBetrayal 1
Sub Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Even if my WW said the sex wasn't that good, or it was bad, I wouldn't believe her. Honestly, I think we could ALL find someone else we could have "mind-blowing" sex with in a variety of contexts. I'm sure there was the extra excitement and thrill for her of having sex in the context of an A with a new partner. 4
ktya Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 My perspective on sex has really evolved after 17 years of back to back monogamy then massively multi dating, including being the betrayed spouse in an 8 month long affair my ex fiancee had with my friend and business partner, and screwing up having a few ONSs myself during that long time across several relationships ranging from 9 years to six months. Being 38 and childless may affect my point of view. Personally, i dont care about being the sole owner of a girls vagina much anymore. Relationships end, women cheat, and people can love eachother regardless of whether theyre having sex at all, with only eachother, or with multiple people. Over the past year ive slept with three different women with boyfriends. Two still loved their boyfriend and eventually went back to monogamy with them. One loved me before she met her boyfriend, but had moved away, kept coming back to see me and we still love eachother, even though she lives with him now. I have loved several of the girls i dated but still kept dating and had sex with other women, sometimes in the same day. What is key is that both people are on a level playing field and you dont have one person committing to only the other person but the other person is playing around. I think monogamy is great for some couples and when it works, it works well. Committed monogamy does really change the relationship dynamic and i think many people rush into it too quickly and often women demand it too early as a prerequisite for sex. It introduces a form of posession if done at the wrong time or with the wrong person that can be unhealthy. From my perspective, sex is just sex. Ive had love now without sex, love without monogamy and sex without love. The problem with cheating is that it is a breaking of the social contract between a couple. Monogamy should be merely not wanting to sleep with anyone else, not having the desire, not something that is enforced or demanded. I think this is the reason why cheating is so widespread.
aStranger Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The sex is all that bothers me anymore. The lame reasons and lying were what she had to do to get sex. I forgive the lies & even her selfish, immature thinking. But the sex can't be undone and only gets harder for me to accept. 3
Gloria25 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 IMO.... For men, sex is how men get acceptance, love, and caring from their woman. So, if the sex is lacking or boring (i.e. she just sees it as another "chore" instead of making love to her man), he's gonna stray and he'll take sex where he can get it - even so/so sex. All a woman has to do is smile and make him feel special. I did a thread related to this the other day. I don't get how/why women get comfortable and/or don't keep their bodies tight, doll up, be affectionate, and/or sex their guy. Men are simple creatures. Take care of the thing above (their stomach) and below (their penis) his waist and you'll be set. For women, I believe that women don't cheat because of sex. They cheat cuz they are not getting the attention/affection from their husband. While women do not depend on sex the same ways men do - sex is a way to make a woman feel "desired", "wanted". So, if a guy is "wowing" her in the bedroom, she may be taking that as a false sense of him loving her, showering her with attention. Hence, why women bond with men after sex happens. There's a chemical reaction that takes place. But, what I still don't get is how/why women put sex on the backburner once they snag a guy and get comfortable. 1
RedRobin Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 When my ex cheated, I was never concerned about either the emotional aspects or the sex. To me, it illustrated his poor communication and problem solving skills. I was more interested in determining if we could ever find a way to solve our problems constructively. His cheating was a power play. I didn't feel the least bit diminished as a woman. More people would be wise to view infidelity this way, IMHO. Sure, there are those who are so damaged or have emotional issues that prevent them from being faithful to anyone. I happen to believe those people are an extreme minority. The average person cheating is often just cowardly and lacking communication skills necessary to get their needs met in an open and constructive way. Or the relationship is truly dead and they don't have the courage to share that information with their spouse for a variety of reasons.
Mal78 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I totally agree with you guys and the data. Sorry if my post didn't make that clear. I'm just wondering if there are BS that know for certain their WS enjoyed sex more with their AP or do most reconciled partners downplay the sex as a means of coping? I know for certain most men fear another lad giving their bird a good rodgering. I can see what you are saying. Although if it were me that had an A I don't think it would be that my H would have felt inadequate (he knows he is) it would be that another man stuck his penis in his wife. Period. If we're to "up-play" the sex aspect that would drive him crazy. So to be safe I probably wouldn't give details, however I don't think he would ask.
Got it Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 IMO.... For men, sex is how men get acceptance, love, and caring from their woman. So, if the sex is lacking or boring (i.e. she just sees it as another "chore" instead of making love to her man), he's gonna stray and he'll take sex where he can get it - even so/so sex. All a woman has to do is smile and make him feel special. I did a thread related to this the other day. I don't get how/why women get comfortable and/or don't keep their bodies tight, doll up, be affectionate, and/or sex their guy. Men are simple creatures. Take care of the thing above (their stomach) and below (their penis) his waist and you'll be set. For women, I believe that women don't cheat because of sex. They cheat cuz they are not getting the attention/affection from their husband. While women do not depend on sex the same ways men do - sex is a way to make a woman feel "desired", "wanted". So, if a guy is "wowing" her in the bedroom, she may be taking that as a false sense of him loving her, showering her with attention. Hence, why women bond with men after sex happens. There's a chemical reaction that takes place. But, what I still don't get is how/why women put sex on the backburner once they snag a guy and get comfortable. Um, no. Many women cheat for better sex. Why do you think it is different? If you do any research on this, it shows that men and women cheat for very similar reasons. But, yes, many women cheat just simply for sex. Some men cheat for emotional needs. Many men and women cheat for both. Some cheat as a means to fueling an addiction (cheating is a byproduct of the addiction). 4
ktya Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I can see what you are saying. Although if it were me that had an A I don't think it would be that my H would have felt inadequate (he knows he is) . Yikes. Supportive much? I think hes the one who is likely to have an A. 1
hotpotato Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) IMO.... For men, sex is how men get acceptance, love, and caring from their woman. So, if the sex is lacking or boring (i.e. she just sees it as another "chore" instead of making love to her man), he's gonna stray and he'll take sex where he can get it - even so/so sex. All a woman has to do is smile and make him feel special. I Truth be told, sometimes, or a lot of the time, a guy just wants something different. Many cheating men have hot wives and active sex lives. They just want to have sex with other females. Many guys aren't going to admit that. Most men aren't gonna say,"Ya, I cheated. I wanted to feel on a different pair of boobies." IA with others that men do not tolerate sexual infidelity. This is oftentimes true even if he cheats. Edited January 13, 2015 by hotpotato 1
Gloria25 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Truth be told, sometimes, or a lot of the time, a guy just wants something different. Many cheating men have hot wives and active sex lives. They just want to have sex with other females. Many guys aren't going to admit that. Most men aren't gonna say,"Ya, I cheated. I wanted to feel on a different pair of boobies." IA with others that men do not tolerate sexual infidelity. This is oftentimes true even if he cheats. Well, yeah, I believe there are usually two types of cheaters: the "dogs" (as you mentioned) and the men that are "starved" (as I mentioned in this thread). Then, there's people who just "slip"...in a moment of weakness (no matter how good/bad their RL is), they get it out of their system. I mean, put a man and a woman alone in a room and the devil is the 3rd party. Now, there are also dirrrty women. They are nasty and like to have a bunch of men inside of them...but IMO, women like that have "issues" - it's not cuz of the sex. Got it says that some women cheat for the sex. I still believe that while the end result is sex when women cheat - the reason behind the desire for the sex is more complex. Cuz, even if a woman cheats for better sex, the bad sex she was getting is sort of a symbol of the guy not meeting her needs, not desiring her. When men are sex starved, they'll cheat with whatever - even so/so sex. They just need the actual physical act of release to feel a connection.
Got it Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well, yeah, I believe there are usually two types of cheaters: the "dogs" (as you mentioned) and the men that are "starved" (as I mentioned in this thread). Then, there's people who just "slip"...in a moment of weakness (no matter how good/bad their RL is), they get it out of their system. I mean, put a man and a woman alone in a room and the devil is the 3rd party. Now, there are also dirrrty women. They are nasty and like to have a bunch of men inside of them...but IMO, women like that have "issues" - it's not cuz of the sex. Got it says that some women cheat for the sex. I still believe that while the end result is sex when women cheat - the reason behind the desire for the sex is more complex. Cuz, even if a woman cheats for better sex, the bad sex she was getting is sort of a symbol of the guy not meeting her needs, not desiring her. When men are sex starved, they'll cheat with whatever - even so/so sex. They just need the actual physical act of release to feel a connection. Gloria, do the research, you are guesstimating on this and simplifying a much complex topic that I believe, quite frankly, is underestimating both sexes. I will tell you, initially I cheated for better sex. That was it. I wanted my cake and eat it to, wanted a little play time, was done with my marriage and tired of settling for bad sex. So I took the opportunity.My sex drive ramped up at 30 and I no longer wanted to settle. I literally wanted sex with a man I was attracted to. But you saying that "the bad sex . . . . sort of symbol of the guy not meeting her needs" is insulting because you are making the BS responsible for why she is cheating. This isn't true or fair. She is still responsible for cheating. Men and women will cheat in marriages that have plenty of sex, no sex, and everything in between. A recent survey showed that over 70% of men who have cheated would say that they are very happy at home. Over 60% of women would say they were very happy at home. There are many reasons why someone decides to cheat, some can be very superficial and others are far more complex. You may find some insight into this with books like "When Good People Have Affairs", "After the Affair", and a few others. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I don't see it often here that the men "downplay" the quality of sex that the WW had with an OM. From what I see, they are plagued by it. Lots of data supports that BHs are (generally) more disturbed by the physical aspects on their WW's affairs and that BW are (generally) more disturbed by the emotional aspects of the WH's affairs. But I don't see much about them living in denial over it. In my own situation, I certainly assumed that my wife enjoyed sex with the OM. Otherwise she wouldn't have gone back for more (like a hundred times). What I pretty much downplayed was the emotional component of it. I still see it as rather juvenile. Anyone can be attracted to another person. Engaging in all the mental gymnastics that are required to foster it into "love" and "soulmates" just seems emotionally immature to me. I didn't take it seriously (even if she did). It made me see her as a broken person, a view I still hold today. But I'm sure the sex with a new person was great; it was for me, too. 3
Buckeye2 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 What is key is that both people are on a level playing field and you dont have one person committing to only the other person but the other person is playing around. ^^^This is it^^^
runredlights Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I can't help but, feel like I am in a messed up way at fault for my long term ex cheating. Clearly there were things that I was or wasn't doing that made her unhappy. After someone cheats on you and then breaks up with you afterwards your whole world is turned upside down. Ending a relationship like that is absolutely abominable and i resent her for it. I know it isn't my fault, but part of me wonders what I could have done better. The WHY behind it is more important to me that the sexual aspects. Why why why...
badkarma2013 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 The sex is all that bothers me anymore. The lame reasons and lying were what she had to do to get sex. I forgive the lies & even her selfish, immature thinking. But the sex can't be undone and only gets harder for me to accept. You are so right....Your WW can do EVERYTHING to help you heal and can follow the WSs script to a tee...But they can NEVER EVER Un FU$K the OM.. And thats why I filed for D without a Second thought.. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I can't help but, feel like I am in a messed up way at fault for my long term ex cheating. Clearly there were things that I was or wasn't doing that made her unhappy. After someone cheats on you and then breaks up with you afterwards your whole world is turned upside down. Ending a relationship like that is absolutely abominable and i resent her for it. I know it isn't my fault, but part of me wonders what I could have done better. The WHY behind it is more important to me that the sexual aspects. Why why why... Your ex's logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix the relationship or leave it. She chose door #3 and that's entirely on her. You didn't cause her to cheat. The cause of her cheating was that she chose to cheat. If I had to bet, she'd say cheating goes against her personal beliefs and values. A person that makes decisions against their own personal beliefs and values (and takes great pains to hide them) is a broken person. It's on her, bud. She had other choices. She chose to be a cowardly and deceptive cheater instead. 1
runredlights Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Your ex's logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix the relationship or leave it. She chose door #3 and that's entirely on her. You didn't cause her to cheat. The cause of her cheating was that she chose to cheat. If I had to bet, she'd say cheating goes against her personal beliefs and values. A person that makes decisions against their own personal beliefs and values (and takes great pains to hide them) is a broken person. It's on her, bud. She had other choices. She chose to be a cowardly and deceptive cheater instead. Yes, and thank you. I'm definitely healing, but in reference to the 5 stages of grief I think I'm on number 3 (bargaining). I'm trying to realize that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Easier said than done.
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