thecrucible Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Does anyone else think having too many checklists or rules to follow in dating does more harm than good? 2014 was pretty hard on me dating wise - just a series of encounters with guys I'd met online but it never went any further than a few dates. Either they lost interest in me, or I lost interest in them. Now I don't feel needy but I want this year to lead to love because I miss the benefits of being in a relationship. And I'm a bit closed off due to being hurt in the past. Anyway, so I realised that I've made it harder for myself by going in with too many expectations about how guys should act if they're interested (Who says they need to take me out for a three course meal on a first date. Or call me when every guy I know only texts?). I got a lot of these from websites I've read and that book The Rules. But by trying too hard to be aloof and mysterious, I've actually turned guys off because I haven't shown reciprocal interest. I've been too scared to do what those guys are doing - to really put myself on the line, to show them who I am and to make gestures to show I like them - to come as an equal partner, not just waiting for them to do stuff. I was in a relationship last year in which the guy was treating me like crap. I wanted something serious but he lied about his intentions (just straight out lied to my face) and just wanted me for sex - even telling me he loved me, before admitting that he only said that because 'it's what women want to hear'. I kept wanting to call him out on his behaviour but I was getting this advice from friends "just play it cool. Don't say anything or you'll look clingy."....Anyway I ended getting very hurt trying to play the cool 'go with the flow' chick when I wasn't happy...I'm fed up of being seen by guys as casual company or the possibility of 'no strings attached' So I've decided - no more rules, no more pretending to be someone I'm not...2015 is going to be an authentic dating year for me. I will just grow some lady balls and say to a guy how I see the situation rather than endure the agony of 'do I like him or not?' or 'does he like me?'...Ahh I just wanna say 'let's make this a zero BS year'.. Sorry I'm a little frustrated by dating. Basically how can I protect myself from situations in which the guy is wasting my time, without looking cool and disinterested? 1
Rupert711 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Just be 100% your true, authentic self. Sure, that might make a few guys uncomfortable, but those are the disinterested ones anyways. The right guy will respect you for you.
Ebelskiver Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Girl, I feel you! Dating is such a sh*t show. It's been the same for me, start to get interested and then get blown off, things don't gel, Become intimate with someone only to be told "I'm not looking for a serious relationship". I'm in the very earliy stages of exclusively dating someone now. We'll see how it goes. What I did this time was make it very clear that I wanted an LTR, that while I realized that we wouldn't discover if we were compatible for a bit I definitely am not looking to be a FWB, NSA, piece on the side or one night stand. It filtered out a few who wanted only casual dalliances. Also, I believed men when they told me they didn't want anything serious. I didn't try to win them over or change their minds. Other than that it's a numbers game. As much as dating sucks you have to meet people to find the one that's right for you. I gave up on online dating, the flake factor was too high, as was the constant low-level rejection. My ego just couldn't handle it any longer. I met my current bf at a bar on Halloween. Which is odd because it's probably the only bar I went to in all of 2014. I don't like to play games but it's important not to come on too strong or to pursue too vigorously. That said, if I'm having a good time, I let the guy know. If I like him I let him know! I just don't announce it on FB or expect to hear from him every day. I do think it's wise to wait at least a few weeks to become intimate, you'll weed out more assh*les that way. I waited 10 weeks with the current bf. By that time I was fairly certain he was honest, reliable, kind, etc. Waiting for sex gives you time to vet them and be sure they are who they present themselves to be.
regine_phalange Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Okay, let's say you follow the rules and "impress" the guy or make him chase you because you're a "challenge". Then what? True chemistry is about someone wanting you because of the way you behave naturally. Why would you settle for less? This kind of thing doesn't bring happiness.
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Does anyone else think having too many checklists or rules to follow in dating does more harm than good? 2014 was pretty hard on me dating wise - just a series of encounters with guys I'd met online but it never went any further than a few dates. Either they lost interest in me, or I lost interest in them. Now I don't feel needy but I want this year to lead to love because I miss the benefits of being in a relationship. And I'm a bit closed off due to being hurt in the past. Anyway, so I realised that I've made it harder for myself by going in with too many expectations about how guys should act if they're interested (Who says they need to take me out for a three course meal on a first date. Or call me when every guy I know only texts?). I got a lot of these from websites I've read and that book The Rules. But by trying too hard to be aloof and mysterious, I've actually turned guys off because I haven't shown reciprocal interest. I've been too scared to do what those guys are doing - to really put myself on the line, to show them who I am and to make gestures to show I like them - to come as an equal partner, not just waiting for them to do stuff. I was in a relationship last year in which the guy was treating me like crap. I wanted something serious but he lied about his intentions (just straight out lied to my face) and just wanted me for sex - even telling me he loved me, before admitting that he only said that because 'it's what women want to hear'. I kept wanting to call him out on his behaviour but I was getting this advice from friends "just play it cool. Don't say anything or you'll look clingy."....Anyway I ended getting very hurt trying to play the cool 'go with the flow' chick when I wasn't happy...I'm fed up of being seen by guys as casual company or the possibility of 'no strings attached' So I've decided - no more rules, no more pretending to be someone I'm not...2015 is going to be an authentic dating year for me. I will just grow some lady balls and say to a guy how I see the situation rather than endure the agony of 'do I like him or not?' or 'does he like me?'...Ahh I just wanna say 'let's make this a zero BS year'.. Sorry I'm a little frustrated by dating. Basically how can I protect myself from situations in which the guy is wasting my time, without looking cool and disinterested? If a woman is interested in a man and he asks you to date him, you should always reciprocate interest in a BALANCED way. In the beginning, it should be about one to one contact, he calls, you answer and follow the conversation where it goes, he texts, you respond. Don't text him first and then if he doesn't respond right away, send 5 more texts. Let him respond, if he's going to respond, etc. After a month or so of dating, then you can initiate calls or texts first. Keep them light and interesting. If a guy doesn't respond as quickly as you'd like but he does respond fairly soon, don't question him about why it took so long, or ask questions. This is when you begin to appear clingy or needy. In the beginning, let him do most of the "work", it's the only way you really know he's really interested. Later on after a few months, and it's clear to you he's interested and you are truly interested in him, you can begin to show more. You can be who you are, just don't push it on him, let yourself come through naturally and with the flow and pace of the developing relationship. These things are not about rules, it's about human nature. Neither men nor women want to "guess" about whether someone is interested. But neither one wants to be overwhelmed either. There are guys out there like the one you mentioned above, but usually there are gut feelings women get along the way but women will ignore them. If you suspect that a man isn't being honest with you, listen to your gut. You need to address it. It not what you say, but how you say it. Communication is key in any relationship. You are entitled to have your questions answered just ask them in non-confrontational ways. Simply say, I am unhappy with . . . (whatever the situation is) and let him respond. If you are not satisfied with the response, you can say I don't think this is working for me and wish him all the best. Extricate yourself from the situation with dignity. If you feel that a man is treating you like crap but says he loves you, move on. Words and actions don't match. Some men however are not so good with the words, but his actions show you tons. It's not always about what they say but more about what they show you. Some men might be a little wishy washy with expressing their emotions with words and maybe not clear, but if he treats you like a princess you don't need to hear the words. Yes, it feels like a slippery slope, but patience and balance are necessary in the very beginning. Pay attention to how you feel with him and how he's treating you in the early stages. Don't ignore your gut either. If you think something isn't right, open a casual, non-confrontational discussion about what you want/like. Just a statement . . . "you know, I like it when I get calls during the day from you, or I like going to movies or I'm feeling like we need to spend more time together or whatever is bothering you. Make the statement and give him an opportunity to respond. 1
Toodaloo Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I know you are feeling down hearted but I actually think you are doing well. You are going out and trying to meet "the one" OK so you haven't met them yet but give it time and you will. Being in a relationship does not define who you are or "make you whole". My advise is stop worrying so much, be yourself and take that time frame to complete the task off and instead concentrate on the quality of the task in hand. Which you seem to be doing anyway! 1
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