unhappyinlove2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, My story is quite long and painful. My hubby and I have been married for only 3 years. Our marriage has been under enormous strain following 5 awful miscarriages in close proximity, one being a late miscarriage. I ended up having to go to hospital for a medical procedure following 3 of these pregnancies. My husband made no effort to come with me, he was way too busy with work (seemingly). Months down the track when I fell pregnant again (and got past the 20 week mark) I told him i needed to have a holiday, and that everything that had happened over the past 18 months had made me down. I couldn't sleep, work or function properly. He told me he couldnt take time away from his business. Since then it has been down hill for me. I have had my beautiful baby who is healthy and for that I am ever so grateful however my marriage is a loveless pit. I am so angry that he left me to sort things out for myself and that our new house and his work were always put first. He gets angry at me because I show no affection or communication anymore, what the hell does he expect from me? I openly told him he wasnt there for me when I really needed him and that I have lost my love for him. I am pondering where I should stay or go. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Edited January 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and move to MLP
sandylee1 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Hi everyone, My story is quite long and painful. My hubby and I have been married for only 3 years. Our marriage has been under enormous strain following 5 awful miscarriages in close proximity, one being a late miscarriage. I ended up having to go to hospital for a medical procedure following 3 of these pregnancies. My husband made no effort to come with me, he was way too busy with work (seemingly). Months down the track when I fell pregnant again (and got past the 20 week mark) I told him i needed to have a holiday, and that everything that had happened over the past 18 months had made me down. I couldn't sleep, work or function properly. He told me he couldnt take time away from his business. Since then it has been down hill for me. I have had my beautiful baby who is healthy and for that I am ever so grateful however my marriage is a loveless pit. I am so angry that he left me to sort things out for myself and that our new house and his work were always put first. He gets angry at me because I show no affection or communication anymore, what the hell does he expect from me? I openly told him he wasnt there for me when I really needed him and that I have lost my love for him. I am pondering where I should stay or go. Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated. Congratulations on the birth of your child and sorry you suffered so many miscarriages, that must have been really really tough. Tell your H you would like try MC to work through the issues in the M. It's clear he doesn't realize what you went through with those miscarriages and how his lack of support affected you. You have every right to have expected him to be there and he should have been. He may think it's all forgotten about or maybe not realise that you wanted and needed him at the hospital. If you really want the M to work, I definitely recommend MC. It will enable you both to state what you are feeling with a neutral 3rd party present. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Before you throw in the towel, go to marriage counseling on your own and also with him. It would be a shame to throw away your marriage without trying or giving him a chance to improve and work on himself. Running away when things get rough may make life a lot harder than you realize. You'll have custody with him, financial stress too, maybe have to move somewhere else and start over. Are you ready for so many changes? Your H acted like a jerk, but (and I'm not defending him at all, he should sucked it up and been there for you) he is a good provider for you and does love you. He may not have the tools to handle loss and emotions, how to deal with that. Just saying there could be deeper issues that can be fixed with him, instead of giving up and divorcing right off the bat.
coolheadal Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Young marriage there only 3 years into it. So let me see the problem here. Husband working hard to make ends meet. Wife stays homes to have his child. So you have decided to live like this and not work so your stay home wife then. While your husband works very hard unless he's runs the business. But he should have made time for you and be very supportive, but he's not. Lacks understanding of your needs and the needs of the new born. This is another trait that most don't consider before getting marriage. To you both understand each others wants and needs. If you don't plan or work on this before marriage then you this issue during it. Now you have so much anger towards your husband, because you don't know what to do next? It's like your confused over the matter. But your choice was to live like this as you know already all he does is work, work and work. So you can have the things you need for you and the new born and sounds like there is a new house too. Stay in your marriage don't leave because he wasn't there too much or being supportive, as you already know how he is and you still marriage him. He's your child father and your the mother of your child. The child needs both parents, don't mess that up. Now that you have healthy baby be there for the baby! Stop thinking about your husband not being there not healthy for you it will just tear you apart in your mindset. Take the baby for walk in the wheel carriage. Get out of the house for one thing. Go do something like visit your family for a couple of weeks even if they live near you still go. Your have a new addition in your family a new baby. You had tried and tried to have one and you did it! Cheers Alright then, pull yourself together, make yourself look wonderful and go walk the baby and if you can pull it off go visit and stay with your folks for a while. You need the rest and help. With the new born too. This where family comes in to makes the next steps easier! Your husband will finally notice your not there for him, and he'll come around because you need to give me the option too. Let him do this on his own. Work means money, but money can't always bring happiness. Your love for him now seems stale and cold, but again you need a break. But again don't leave over this think about this with a clear head first. Remember he's working and making things happen for you! Hint a New House, Hint Newborn!
jackslife Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Couples counselling is very good and highly recommended. Clearly you've had a traumatic time and he wasn't there for you. But remember the idea of men being caring, touchy feely, types is very new. Maybe he just couldn't handle all the emotions involved. Definitely find a counsellor and go together. They give a great opportunity to talk through issues. You'll be amazed how much you find out about each other. I'm sure I read somewhere that couples who have MC should have had it about 4 years earlier than they did.
Satu Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Try couples and/individual counselling before you do anything else. This might be something you can resolve. If not, you will at least know that you tried. All the best, Satu 1
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I am so sorry for you about all the miscarriages & so happy for you that you now have a healthy beautiful baby. I suspect (hope) that your husband is in just as much emotional pain as you are but he's burying it. I too recommend marriage counseling before you bail. When tragedy brings people together rather than rips them apart, those bonds can become unbreakable. You have to get inside whatever walls he's throwing up. Best wishes.
Author unhappyinlove2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Young marriage there only 3 years into it. So let me see the problem here. Husband working hard to make ends meet. Wife stays homes to have his child. So you have decided to live like this and not work so your stay home wife then. While your husband works very hard unless he's runs the business. But he should have made time for you and be very supportive, but he's not. Lacks understanding of your needs and the needs of the new born. This is another trait that most don't consider before getting marriage. To you both understand each others wants and needs. If you don't plan or work on this before marriage then you this issue during it. Now you have so much anger towards your husband, because you don't know what to do next? It's like your confused over the matter. But your choice was to live like this as you know already all he does is work, work and work. So you can have the things you need for you and the new born and sounds like there is a new house too. Stay in your marriage don't leave because he wasn't there too much or being supportive, as you already know how he is and you still marriage him. He's your child father and your the mother of your child. The child needs both parents, don't mess that up. Now that you have healthy baby be there for the baby! Stop thinking about your husband not being there not healthy for you it will just tear you apart in your mindset. Take the baby for walk in the wheel carriage. Get out of the house for one thing. Go do something like visit your family for a couple of weeks even if they live near you still go. Your have a new addition in your family a new baby. You had tried and tried to have one and you did it! Cheers Alright then, pull yourself together, make yourself look wonderful and go walk the baby and if you can pull it off go visit and stay with your folks for a while. You need the rest and help. With the new born too. This where family comes in to makes the next steps easier! Your husband will finally notice your not there for him, and he'll come around because you need to give me the option too. Let him do this on his own. Work means money, but money can't always bring happiness. Your love for him now seems stale and cold, but again you need a break. But again don't leave over this think about this with a clear head first. Remember he's working and making things happen for you! Hint a New House, Hint Newborn! Thanks Coolheadal. I appreciate your thoughtful reply. I thought it might also be useful to let you know that I am not a stay at home mum. I have been running my own business before, during and after my pregnancy. I am in fact the major income earner for the family, not my husband. Perhaps this has also added to the pressure I am feeling. It seems I have given so much financially and emotionally and I now feel like I no longer have anything to give.
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