Marieclaire Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I really need your help. I have recently started seeing someone new after a break up a few months ago. He is a good friend of mine who I have known for a year. Here's my problem. To the outside world, he appears unhinged, arrogant, and unpleasant. My friends and colleagues cannot stand him and he has this amazing ability to make people dislike him within the first few moments of meeting him. He has been rejected from jobs and positions because of this. People have warned me before about being friends with him. However, I have always managed to see through this. I see a completely different side to him. When he's alone with me, he is caring, passionate and attentive. He says he loves me and will do anything for me. I cannot knock him, he has been such a support for me through my break up also and been an amazing friend. He has held me when I'm crying, and just been amazing. He is also proud to be seen out with me and always wants to do things with me. He also has a few personal issues and massive self confidence problems (I don't want to divulge information about this). Despite the way he is with me, there are things about him that worry me. He's fascinated with guns and has a gun licence (something very rare here I'm the uk!). He also has an illegal baton which he keeps I'm his bedside drawer. One time I was getting changed in his room and I came across a sharp knife under the bed which he claimed had no idea how it got there. One time when a colleague of mine annoyed him he brought his baton into work and told me he warned to use it! He can also be quite racist and antisemitic which is unpleasant. He also has a bit do a history of violent tempers which he received treatment for but says they are no longer a problem. In addition all his friends scare me. He has known these people for years and years and been through a lot with them.They have really harsh opinions and are not the sort of people I want to be around. They are also into drug use (something thus guy I am seeing used to be into but isn't anymore, though he does drink a lot on his own). Needless to say I am not a drug user. So you can begin to see my problem. The way he is with me is so different to the way he portrays himself to the outside world and the way everyone else sees him. So I don't know which one is the real him. Before I knew all the intricate details about the weapons and his irrational behaviour I gave him the benefit of the doubt and thought it was all an act but the closer I get to him the more unsure I am. Trouble is, I am really falling for him, or at least the kind caring side of him I see. I never feel scared or anything when I am with him. I have no idea what to do. Something tells me to run as we are very much in the honeymoon stage of our relationship and I am feeling like this, but I am really falling for him and almost feel sorry for him because of his issues. What should I do? Please help.
pteromom Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 He also has a few personal issues and massive self confidence problems (I don't want to divulge information about this). He can also be quite racist and antisemitic which is unpleasant. He also has a bit do a history of violent tempers which he received treatment for but says they are no longer a problem. though he does drink a lot on his own The way he is with me is so different to the way he portrays himself to the outside world and the way everyone else sees him. Sounds to me he has shown you enough negative stuff where you don't really need to rely on the opinions of others. Feeling sorry for someone isn't a reason to form a relationship with them. I don't know if he is a psychopath, but I think he has shown you that his values and yours do not mesh well. Do you want your kids to grow up with a daddy who drinks all the time? Who is racist? Who has issues with temper? Who threatens to use weapons any time someone makes him angry? If not, what is the point of continuing this relationship? 4
preraph Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 John Wayne Gacy was a leader in his community and his wife never suspected a thing, not anyone else. Even psychopaths can have a good side. Doesn't mean you should get involved with them though. He sounds extremely volatile; and believe me the longer he is invested in you, the harder he will make it to leave and may become deadly when you do. So if you're going to bail, you should do it sooner rather than later. He probably has really rock bottom self-esteem issues, evidenced by his being against all those who are different. He needs to look down on people in order to tell himself he's better than them and give his ego a momentary boost that way. People with low self-esteem are the same people who meet a woman and use her to make themself feel better about themselves by having her on their arm and then get murderous once it falls apart because you're taking what little self-esteem he has with you. So this is why you're getting the better parts of him. I suggest you immediately make it clear you only want to be friends and try to stop him from becoming more fixated on you romantically, which he probably already is. Then you should show him you do intend to date other guys so he knows this is how it's going to be. I had a sociopath who exempted me from his violence many years ago. I worked with him. I was his boss but couldn't fire him myself or I would have. He got attached to me. He was a con artist and a thief and violent with women. He found me easy to talk to after awhile and began telling me things I didn't want to know. I didn't know was much back then as I do now, and sometimes I thought he might even be kidding or saying he did something violent to somehow impress me. Anyway, we both hung out at the music clubs, so I'd see him pick up different women every night. He was good looking, and it believing he was the best looking guy in the room was the only thing propping up his self-esteem. I never did find out what led to him being that way. He was on speed most of the time, so some of his actions were explained by that. But not his compulsive need to be told he looked good or looked better than anyone in the room. As he became attached to me, he would say at least once a day, "Am I the longest-haired guy you know?" which was code for the best looking. It became a joke, but part of him really meant it. Most of him really meant it. I was the only person he didn't screw over or hurt some way, and apparently he talked to everyone about liking me and in a good way, so his one-night-stands and dates and few actual friends ALL came to find me in the store we worked at one time or another telling me I was the only one who might be able to do something about him or help him or help them or stop him. I wasn't trying to be more involved. I wasn't about to date him or sleep with him. He liked me because I knew how he was and would ask questions about it, so in his mind, I understood him a little. I knew he didn't have a conscience and I would say things like, "You must think everyone is really crazy for not doing things because they think it's morally wrong," and things like that. He liked that. Probably the first person he was about to talk to about him not being like other people. He was really entertaining when we were working together and would do things to make me laugh, even self-deprecating things. So I enjoyed being around him a lot of the time. And we both liked dancing, so we'd dance if out at the same club at the same time. I even helped him shop for an unconventional suit one time. He was all about looking good. He got a regular girlfriend. She came to me and then I knew for sure he did beat women, even ones he barely knew. He was a predator. She wanted him to be around me more with her because he had me on a pedestal and I was the only one he didn't act out with. They came to visit once at my house in the country and got stranded there in a snowstorm for a few days. He couldn't hold it together all that time and finally acted out in front of me, hitting her in the bathroom out of my line of sight, but I could hear them. Once they came out, he broke down crying because he'd let me see that side of him and began telling me other of his problems, like impotency, which fueled his rage (impotency is very common in violent offenders). Of course, I had already told him he shouldn't be doing speed and he said it was the only thing that gave him the confidence to go out and stuff. Again, I have no idea why to this day. She stayed with him at least a while. I moved states and they came and found me once and things went somewhat okay, but it was evident he was still messed up and she was still putting up with it. After that I lost track of them. While I'm curious what happened to both him and her, of course, I didn't want to get reinvolved once out of it. This pattern of your guy's friends warning you, you need to take that seriously. He may be truly dangerous. Don't let him fixate on you. 1
Ieris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 He's all nice and caring until he switches, don't wait for that to happen. My cousin had a baby with a guy like this and she left because she was living in fear of her and her child's life. Steer clear!
dispatch3d Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I don't think he's a psycopath. Lots of people are into guns, it's not that big of a deal. The other stuff I wouldn't like, like bringing a baton to work, or being abrasive enough he doesn't get jobs because of it, or the friends that aren't very nice/fun to hang out with.
hoping2heal Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I don't know if he is a psychopath or not but... 1. I can handle people with different views than mine but racism and anti-semetism would get old to listen to reeeeal quick. 2. If I felt like my SO's friends were the type of people I didn't want to be around that too would get old real quick. 3. I don't know if I would feel safe around this guy. Not because he owns a gun, but between the shady friends and the violent tendencies he might not ever do anything to me but how do I know I won't be caught in the cross hairs or whatever and and his bad company are mixed up in? 1
Timshel Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 He's an a**hole but I's Luuv him. Ok. Is this your cup of tea or not?
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 When one of your friends / family members don't like the person you are dating, it's a personality conflict. When everybody you know is telling you not to date the person, there is something wrong that you are not seeing. Listen to them. 4
preraph Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 As far as him being a true psychopath, probably not, but he doesn't have to be a true psychopath or even sociopath to be a violent offender, and he sounds like he is looking for an excuse to be violent to me.
Winterina Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Psychologists agree that 4-8% of people in our society are psychopaths (or sociopaths, to use more modern term). It means chances are that you will meet many of them in your life and end up in a relationship with some. I was involved in a relationship with a sociopath once and here is what I learned from reading about it and from my own observations. Sociopaths' defining characteristic is a lack of remorse. They feel no guilt. They feel no empathy. BUT they learn from early age how to mimic emotions, what to say to achieve certain end, and they are master manipulators. I saw a documentary where a guy who was a sociopath said that he can spot his victim (usually very vulnerable, kind people who will do anything to help others) just by the way they walk. I asked my ex sociopath bf if he ever cried at movies, and he said he never even felt like crying on any of the movies. He never felt empathy for anyone, or felt anyone else's pain. When he did cry, it was to manipulate me because he knew I hate to see people cry and would do anything to make them stop. Also, his tears were coming down his face as if he were a statue. There was no facial expression typical of a crying person, his face stayed still but tears were coming down.... his voice did not change even a bit... colour of the face did not change to red, it was like watching drops of water roll. For sociopaths, everything is just interesting, including pain of others, both animals and people. They might say something like 'poor guy' if they see something sad, but they will feel nothing. They just know what to say to appear as if they have feelings. They might feel something on some level and some of them will chose to do the right things because they were raised to do so, and because they are not worst of the sociopaths. But do not expect love and care from someone like that. Be prepared for pathological lying too. About everything and anything. Be prepared for silent torture, which might make you question your own sanity. Having said all this, that guy of yours seems to have a different issue. He is violent, has issues with temper and does not really make it easy for himself...
Danda Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Psychopaths are usually very socially-smooth charmers and master manipulators. Not always, of course, but very frequently. What emotion they can feel is very limited, shallow and fleeting, as well. Psychopath doesn't mean psychotic. Two very different things. However some PD types such a BPD or NPD can become very violent and irrational when they fly into a rage. They can also often have a hard time expressing their upset or conflicted feelings in a calm and rational manner that is not extremely emotionally charged. For example hateful racism could be the result of a person who simply doesn't like the level of immigration in their community and feels that their own race and culture is being displaced or disrespected. That is a valid concern and worthy topic of discussion in some parts of the world, but for someone with extreme emotional dysregulation problems and a super puffed up yet fragile ego - it could easily get morphed into something hateful and nasty - and come out that way, as well. Threatening coworkers with weapons is a similar scenario. A psychopath generally won't jeopardize their own career and reputation like that. Psychopaths are more predictable due to their cunning, manipulation and safe-facing strategies. You can also typically maneuver safely around a psychopath because they won't knowingly jeopardize themselves. But an unstable person becomes irrational and intense and does crazy, self-sabotaging things like.. threatening coworkers with weapons. So my frank 2 cents opinion is that no he is probably not a psychopath, but is actually probably more dangerous than a psychopath if he frequently displays intense emotional dysregulation like that. When they go off the deep end, they don't care about their lives, their careers, their reputations, etc - they become irrational and thus volatile, can't be reasoned with. 1
preraph Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 ^ True. Sociopaths only cry for themselves. For whatever reason, cold upbringing, neglect, abuse, or head injury, they are not able to feel sorry for another person or feel their pain, so to speak. Therefore, they don't see any reason to play by the rules. They often consider themselves superior because of their lack of letting empathy or morals restrict their behavior. And yes, they do have to learn to mimic and are often the most charming people on earth when they want to be.
Danda Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yeah could have written post more clearly, still absorbing my coffee lol. But basically a person with a PD type that involves irrational thinking and dysregulated rage, can possibly (if their disorder is severe) be even more dangerous than a psychopath, because certain PD types when in a rage outright abandon their self-protecting instincts and can't be reasoned with at all. Yet we are more likely to feel empathy for them and want to save/fix them because we can detect that they are very disordered, not necessarily inherently bad people. Their crazed nastiness tends to come out when they feel hurt or threatened. But they are still dangerous if they do not get help. Whereas a psychopath will likely charm your socks off and give very little or no indication that anything is strange or wrong about them - until they've successfully used you or betrayed you, and then it's too late. Some people can intuitively detect psychopaths early on, but many people can't. Ironically PD types like narcissists tend to be a psychopath's favorite snack, given how distorted a narc's perceptions are, and how fragile their emotions/ego are, thus making them very easy to manipulate. Anyway, a psychopath however will usually move strategically to self-protect at all costs. So they're at least pretty predictable and lack the volatile factor. Serial killers and whatnot are often psychopathic but have co-morbid issues, as well. They're much rarer than the typical corporate psychopath who has no problem using and toying people, but won't take any major risks of landing his/her butt in prison.
Timshel Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 A Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist would never attempt a diagnosis in this forum. A Personality Disorder would require extensive testing and therapy to achieve a medical diagnosis. I'm standing by he's an ******* and whether or not you want your life involved with what seems to be dangerous shenanigans is up to you. 1
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