Confused48 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 You may be using the wrong frame, here. He is making every effort to reconcile,as am I. I'm not moving on, so much as trying to make peace with his decision to nuke 21 years of marriage for a sleaze of no consequence. I had no part in that decision. Wasn't consulted. Was lied to, repeatedly. He needs to win me back, not assume I'm his default. Me: lookin out for number one, yo. Yes, well, ok, I thought you were writing in support of others here who seem to imply that you can let your WS walk in on you and be surprised to find you with an AP of your own and that is all just fine. If your BH is trying to win you back, and while you allow that to happen, you also are pursuing other options, and that is not a secret, then I see no problem with that. You are not going to be found in the position of the hypothetical given above. I do believe that acting ethically and honorably is usually, if not always, in alignment with looking out for number one.
autumnnight Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I agree that the BS who leaves has zero moral obligation to the WS.
Bartlett67 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I agree that the BS who leaves has zero moral obligation to the WS. I'm not leaving. Im giving him a shot. But I'm not his again by default. He needs to make the case all over again, and it's a complicated one to make, given what he did.
autumnnight Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I'm not leaving. Im giving him a shot. But I'm not his again by default. He needs to make the case all over again, and it's a complicated one to make, given what he did. Yep. The WS is the one who blew the marriage apart. They need to do the work, hard work. 1
Bartlett67 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Yep. The WS is the one who blew the marriage apart. They need to do the work, hard work. I do have a fairly strong case on the side of forgiving him. But, circling back to the OP, there is a facet of this in which I'm left wanting to really assess the options out there. You know, people who haven't actively tried to screw me over.
autumnnight Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I do have a fairly strong case on the side of forgiving him. But, circling back to the OP, there is a facet of this in which I'm left wanting to really assess the options out there. You know, people who haven't actively tried to screw me over. That makes sense to me. I mean, if my laptop crashed and lost all my files, yeah, I might be willing to take it to the computer geek store and get it fixed....but it would sure be tempting to just buy a new one that HADN'T already made my life heck once. I know that's a dumb analogy, but that actually happened to me recently, so it came to mind. 2
Bartlett67 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 That makes sense to me. I mean, if my laptop crashed and lost all my files, yeah, I might be willing to take it to the computer geek store and get it fixed....but it would sure be tempting to just buy a new one that HADN'T already made my life heck once. I know that's a dumb analogy, but that actually happened to me recently, so it came to mind. Cheap forgiveness also isn't worth much. I fact, it's not even forgiveness, so much as capitulation. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I think the only problem I have there is the word 'secret.' If the BS straight up says, "I'd consider R, but I will be getting my own extramarital jollies until I feel able to commit to fidelity," then I see zero problem. I think the BS is at least being honest and giving the WS the ability to protect themselves from STDs and CHOOSE whether or not that arrangement is agreeable to them. Which is a heck of a lot more respect than their WS ever gave them. We're told over and over that R is a gift. A GIFT. So no, the WS doesn't not get to dictate the parameters of that gift. They can choose to accept that gift as the BS feels fit to give it or they can refuse that gift and divorce. But they lost any and all rights to the original contract the second they trashed it. As long as their BS is honest about their intentions and gives their WS the ability to protect their health and choose to walk away if they feel their emotional health is threatened intolerably, then the BS is morally clear in my book. Oh look! I just reoffered my roofer the job...only now I'm offering to pay him less money. If he doesnt want the job, fine. I'll hire a new roofer. Sounds like you're not 'secretly' doing anything. You've just come to a new agreement. All good in my book (whether it's healthy for either of you is another question but one you didn't ask). My argument would just be if that if you were surfing/dating in secret while you keep your partner committed, you're participating in a wrong just like your wayward partner did. But if everything is on the level from an honesty standpoint and both people agree, who am I to judge? 1
Janesays Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Sounds like you're not 'secretly' doing anything. You've just come to a new agreement. All good in my book (whether it's healthy for either of you is another question but one you didn't ask). My argument would just be if that if you were surfing/dating in secret while you keep your partner committed, you're participating in a wrong just like your wayward partner did. But if everything is on the level from an honesty standpoint and both people agree, who am I to judge? Well, in my case, we're divorcing. It's final next week. I'm just talking hypotheticals here. 2
BetrayedH Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Well, in my case, we're divorcing. It's final next week. I'm just talking hypotheticals here. I was hopin' that.
seibert253 Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 I've met quite a few women from dating sites. NONE of them looked as good in person, as they did on the pics they posted in their site profiles.
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