Jcwf Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I met this girl on a dating app about a month and a half ago. Since then she has been coming over to my house every weekend (and spent like a full week here). Well yesterday she told me that she loved me. I really do like her but there's just something in my mind that's telling me that I shouldn't continue with this, but another part is telling me I should. There's just certain things she's told me that is really bothering me. She told me that she was molested as a child (by someone in her family), that when she was 15 she was in an abusive relationship, that her mum treats her differently to her other siblings, her dad left when she was younger...etc. She got out of 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and she says it was the unhappiest she's ever been. She said the guy changed and she didn't trust him but she didn't leave because it's all she had, plus financial security...etc. She's told me that she's "****ed up". I can't even count how many times I've had sex with her but I think that's a big part of why I've gotten pretty attached. The first few times I didn't use a condom, then I did because she said we had to be careful. then I didn't again and more recently she's told me she wants to have my child. stupidly I have came in her more than twice. In the beginning I used to be rough with her and she'd say things like "you can't hurt me" even though I was and then she'd be like "ah well it's ok I'm used to it anyway". I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I think she is probably too damaged. She is really insecure, she has anxiety and O.C.D. I told her that it's pretty soon for her to be telling me that she loved me. I asked her if she's maybe not just mistaking it for that because of the fact that I give her attention, listen to her..etc and then she gave me many reasons for why she says that and that I make her happy. She says she can't help wanting to be around me. I just feel that I can't trust her because of how she is even though she's been so open with me and told me so much about her life. I talk to her everyday and she tells me about everything that happens at work, at home..etc. She never wants to go to sleep either because she says she'd rather talk to me. Another thing is the number of sexual partners she said had, well from 15-19 but she said it was just a phase and from then on she was only with her ex (I'm 23 and so is she). She said it made her upset when I questioned whether she knew what she meant by love. I told her that I really like her. She seems very eager to continue the relationship but I'm just not sure, it's really ****ing with my head. All this Oxytocin. I just need any advice. Thanks
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Listen to your gut. There are several red flags here. Do you know if she's ever had any professional help to deal with the awful things that happened to her as a child? If not, she is probably still carrying around a world of pain which will more than likely affect her perspective on intimacy and relationships. She needs to address her past in order to heal and find peace in herself. And you're right - 1.5 months is generally far too soon to be telling someone you love them, and certainly way too fast to be claiming to want a child. Do you want to be a father? If not, then for pete's sake use a contraceptive! Otherwise you will wind up in a huge mess that you cannot just walk away from. I sense that she's looking for a feeling of security and rushing into things with you in an attempt to find that. This is not a healthy dynamic and you're right to be concerned. You hardly know this girl. You're questioning things because you know it's not going well and you're sensing future problems. I'd put the brakes on this in a major way immediately.
Author Jcwf Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I appreciate the reply. It's just hard. I want to end things with her but I never should of allowed myself to get so attached and I promised that I wouldn't hurt her. I don't want to just let her go because I feel that it will be a waste, even though there's so many things that bother me.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 If you do not want to terminate the relationship then make sure she won't get pregnant. Sounds to me she is lacking in many departments. I would be very suspicious of anyone self-proclaiming they are fcked-up. She is already giving you excuses for the fvked-up stuff about to come up. You hardly know her, you don't know what she is capable of yet. How old are you 2? Does she work? does she support herself properly?
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I met this girl on a dating app about a month and a half ago. Since then she has been coming over to my house every weekend (and spent like a full week here). Well yesterday she told me that she loved me. I really do like her but there's just something in my mind that's telling me that I shouldn't continue with this, but another part is telling me I should. There's just certain things she's told me that is really bothering me. She told me that she was molested as a child (by someone in her family), that when she was 15 she was in an abusive relationship, that her mum treats her differently to her other siblings, her dad left when she was younger...etc. She got out of 4 year relationship about 6 months ago and she says it was the unhappiest she's ever been. She said the guy changed and she didn't trust him but she didn't leave because it's all she had, plus financial security...etc. She's told me that she's "****ed up". I can't even count how many times I've had sex with her but I think that's a big part of why I've gotten pretty attached. The first few times I didn't use a condom, then I did because she said we had to be careful. then I didn't again and more recently she's told me she wants to have my child. stupidly I have came in her more than twice. In the beginning I used to be rough with her and she'd say things like "you can't hurt me" even though I was and then she'd be like "ah well it's ok I'm used to it anyway". I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I think she is probably too damaged. She is really insecure, she has anxiety and O.C.D. I told her that it's pretty soon for her to be telling me that she loved me. I asked her if she's maybe not just mistaking it for that because of the fact that I give her attention, listen to her..etc and then she gave me many reasons for why she says that and that I make her happy. She says she can't help wanting to be around me. I just feel that I can't trust her because of how she is even though she's been so open with me and told me so much about her life. I talk to her everyday and she tells me about everything that happens at work, at home..etc. She never wants to go to sleep either because she says she'd rather talk to me. Another thing is the number of sexual partners she said had, well from 15-19 but she said it was just a phase and from then on she was only with her ex (I'm 23 and so is she). She said it made her upset when I questioned whether she knew what she meant by love. I told her that I really like her. She seems very eager to continue the relationship but I'm just not sure, it's really ****ing with my head. All this Oxytocin. I just need any advice. Thanks In this case, I would apply the adage that says "if you're not sure, you're sure". In other words, your gut is telling you to move on. She's had multiple sex partners and this is a symptom of sexual abuse. That kind of abuse often causes a young woman to seek that as a form of attention. For these women, even negative, unhealthy attention is comforting but only for a brief time. That's what they think they need to do to get attention, they think it's expected of them as women. You cannot help her move past all this. She needs professional help. You will suffer if you continue with her. Do yourself and favor and cut contact with her. Don't feed her unhealthy emotional state.
Author Jcwf Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 In this case, I would apply the adage that says "if you're not sure, you're sure". In other words, your gut is telling you to move on. She's had multiple sex partners and this is a symptom of sexual abuse. That kind of abuse often causes a young woman to seek that as a form of attention. For these women, even negative, unhealthy attention is comforting but only for a brief time. That's what they think they need to do to get attention, they think it's expected of them as women. You cannot help her move past all this. She needs professional help. You will suffer if you continue with her. Do yourself and favor and cut contact with her. Don't feed her unhealthy emotional state. I told her that I don't think it's going to work and I mentioned that and asked her if she's got help for it. She said she's spoken to her family about it and she's dealed with it. Also regarding her 4 year relationship, she said things only started to change in the last 6 months. I'm just really not sure what to think. I don't know if i can believe her. I'm not sure if i'm the one being insecure...she told me there's no point in keep telling me because i've already made up my mind about what i think. Can i move forward with her is there really no point? I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me.
Author Jcwf Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 If you do not want to terminate the relationship then make sure she won't get pregnant. Sounds to me she is lacking in many departments. I would be very suspicious of anyone self-proclaiming they are fcked-up. She is already giving you excuses for the fvked-up stuff about to come up. You hardly know her, you don't know what she is capable of yet. How old are you 2? Does she work? does she support herself properly? We're both 23. She works but lives with her mum and brother.
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I told her that I don't think it's going to work and I mentioned that and asked her if she's got help for it. She said she's spoken to her family about it and she's dealed with it. Also regarding her 4 year relationship, she said things only started to change in the last 6 months. I'm just really not sure what to think. I don't know if i can believe her. I'm not sure if i'm the one being insecure...she told me there's no point in keep telling me because i've already made up my mind about what i think. Can i move forward with her is there really no point? I appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. I promise you that things didn't only start to change in the last 6 months with her last relationship. Someone in her situation will go through the motions in a relationship for years sometimes and the other person is doing the same thing because they don't really understand what they are dealing with. That last relationship was at best very superficial. Do not move forward with her.
kendahke Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Certainly stop having sex with her. That has caused you to get way more attached than you should be with someone at this point with this level of unresolved issues---at least, they're unresolved to your satisfaction, not hers, necessarily. She sounds more desperate for some place new to live than she really is in having her focus on getting her head and her life in order. Since her mother treats her differently than her sibling, seems to me she should be about getting her finances in order to get her own place so she doesn't have to deal with them. You need to put this on hold. Sex may be the only way she knows how to deal with men, if she's been abused in her past, so that's why your oxytocin level is where it is. It may not necessarily be you, but someone who would validate her in this sort of way, you know? She really has a lot she needs to deal with with a professional, not a family who isn't helping her matters or qualified to help her in these matters.
Author Jcwf Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I promise you that things didn't only start to change in the last 6 months with her last relationship. Someone in her situation will go through the motions in a relationship for years sometimes and the other person is doing the same thing because they don't really understand what they are dealing with. That last relationship was at best very superficial. Do not move forward with her. I guess I'm just gonna have to end it with her then. I don't know why I feel like there is anything good to come from this. She is coming over tonight. Is there anything I can possibly ask her or try to get out of her that will give me the answers I'm looking for? I know the answers are probably already there. This is harder than I thought it would be.
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I guess I'm just gonna have to end it with her then. I don't know why I feel like there is anything good to come from this. She is coming over tonight. Is there anything I can possibly ask her or try to get out of her that will give me the answers I'm looking for? I know the answers are probably already there. This is harder than I thought it would be. I doubt you will get the answers you want . . . because you want her to tell you she's over her issues and can have a relationship with you and, even if she said that, I wouldn't believe it. She may think that's true herself, but I'd bet she's not being honest with herself. It's always hard to be in your position, but I promise you it will be much harder on you if you continue with her not only to actually drop her later but the emotional toll on you until you do will be very difficult to overcome.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I guess I'm just gonna have to end it with her then. I don't know why I feel like there is anything good to come from this. She is coming over tonight. Is there anything I can possibly ask her or try to get out of her that will give me the answers I'm looking for? I know the answers are probably already there. This is harder than I thought it would be. You are suffering from the Hero syndrome. Men want to feel needed, they want to help. You think you can save her and protect her. You cannot. She needs to do that for herself. I would not be surprised she soon gets herself pregnant so some guy can support her and move her out of her mom's house.
Author Jcwf Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 So today I ended it with her and she said I broke every last bit of trust she had left. I told her that I think she is used to being used and that she needs help. She told me I was wrong but then also said that I destroyed her a bit more than she already was. I might add that many of the times she's cried it seems like she's forced it or it seemed kinda fake but lots of the time it did seem really genuine. Also she said she doesn't want to leave because she loves me, but yesterday she said she'd e willing to take it a step back to how things were before she told me that she loved me but I don't see how that's going to work. She said the the way I see her is the way everyone else see's her and that she can't live with that. She said no one sees how strong she really is and that they only see the damaged part of her instead of the person that got through that. She said that I never looked close enough to see that part of her.
Author Jcwf Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not sure if it makes a difference either but it's actually been 3 months and not 1 and a half
HVW_Mark Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 +1 to everyone else here. This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Be good to her man, but get out.
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