hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I dont really know what to write or even how to start. I think I am so unhappy at the moment and i dont know where to go from here. I love my fiance I really do, but I think I want more from him. I give 100% to the relationship ive sold my house and moved in with him, suported him financially while hes been out of work, treat his son (from a previous relationship) like my own, go to visit his friends on a weekly basis which can sometimes last all weekend, he's met one of my friends once, birthdays christmases etc I make sure all is covered and knowbody gets left out, if left up to him there would be no presents i know this because hes missed presents for me on my birthday the disappointment on my face must have said it all because he made an effort for me this xmas. Christmas I drove him around christmas parties while he was drunk. Spent christmas day with his friends even had to go to his exes on christmas day. He wouldn't even come to visit my family for a couple of hours it was embarrassing to try and make excuses for him, he tells me he will be out for a couple of hours then comes back mid day the next day sometimes, although he has got better at this ive told him all I want is a message to say its going to be an all nighter so then I can lock up n go to bed instead of sitting and worrying. When he asked me to marry him it wasnt even a proper proposal just shall we do it then? No ring no down on one knee or anything like that. We also had a late miscarriage we had the funeral for our baby girl who wa born too early and yes he was sad I could see that, but he said that he just wants to be there for me. What I wanted was for him to show me how much he was hurting too, and whenever I try to bring the subject of her up he says yeah I think about her and changes the subject. He lives it up far too much on weekend which leave us no time to do the boring every day stuff which unfortunately has to get done and leaves everything to me. Then recently I found that hes holding on to a lot of old love letters, and pics of what has been described by his friends the love of his life which to me is a stab in the heart. I love this man deeply but I need more from him. Am I being unreasonable? How do I bring this up without sounding accusing or judgmental? I just want a bit more effort from him.
salparadise Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Many of the behaviors you mention are so over the top... not willing to visit with your family at Christmas, not showing up 'til the next day, no birthday or Christmas presents and having you chauffeur him around while he's drunk... Well, maybe love is blind. On the other hand, you can't expect him to act in a specific way with regards to his grief. And holding onto letters and pictures isn't a horrible thing as long as he's not pining for her and looking at them all the time. It sounds like you've got a five-year-old on your hands to me. I'd be heading for the exit if I were you. I hope you've protected the cash you got from selling your house. 1
eye of the storm Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Hopelessly, you can tell what is important to someone by what they spend their time, money, and emotion on. Your "fiancee" has shown thru actions that you and your family are not important to him. Loving him and spending 100% of yourself on him will not change him. You can't change anyone but yourself. It is ok to love something toxic to you. Acknowledge the love, but keep your brain in gear, separate yourself from it, and move on with your life. This guy will not get better. Either accept it or move on from it. By staying with him you are telling him with your actions that you are completely ok with how he treats you. Good luck.
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I guess I was worried that I was over reacting I do have a bad reputation as a bit of a commitment phobe and run at any slight bump in the relationship. But now I know that I am not being silly I feel more confident to bring these up. Yes he can be a complete inconsiderate childish man sometimes but I do love him, and want to try all I can before I leave. we have been through so much and he did a very good job at pulling me through a very difficult time. But I was upset he didnt seem that upset over our loss, although his friends have told me he was distraught...I just wish he could have shown me too. I think with that issue I shall tell him I am ready for councilling and I will sort my oen demons with that issue myself. Money yes I will be investing it in a smaller property which I will rent out, and if the wordt does ever happen for the worse for between us then I have somewhere to go. We have had a conversation about the behaviour before and he does admit hes selfish and it needs to change and I have to admit he has improved, and im not perfect he has given me a list of things that bug him about me. I hope I havent rambled on too much, its difficult because I literally have nobody I can talk to about this subject.
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You are not being unreasonable. Marriage is a commitment. You are thinking through just how committed you both are. I personally would never marry a man who can't even call me to tell me he's not coming home. You don't need to spend the rest of your life worrying because he's inconsiderate. If you haven't put down any money on a wedding, don't. Talk to him. Get some much needed marriage counseling. Perhaps check out an al-anon meeting for people in love with alcoholics. Does he have a job yet? If not do not get married. You do not need to take on his debt.
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Yes he does have a full time job now thankfully! But it doesnt pay much. But a jobs a job. I wouldnt say hes an alcoholic. The problem is when he goes up to see his friends, it is always a big night. And a friday evening drink can last all weekend ruining the weekend. I must admit I sometimes go, and I dont begrudge him spending time with his friends and going out. I just want to know if hes not coming home so I can lock the door and know hes not face down in a gutter somewhere. If im honest I wish I could tell him its getting a bit much, I would like to get our lives on some sort of routine and do stuff which is more the norm. Sometimes it feels like hes competing tobe how he was when he was in his 20's. He knows when he has annoyed me, without me even saying anything because we have hone over it before. He apologies, and he has explained hes never been with anyone who really cares that much, and before me he was single for quite a while, so he has never had to really "check in" or think about anyone else.
salparadise Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You're making excuses for what most people would consider deal-breaker behavior. If this is stuff you're willing to overlook, well... this is the life you're choosing. Hope you're not thinking about magical transformations after the ceremony.
evanescentworld Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You Teach People How To Treat You. He treats you this way, because you give him tacit approval and permission to do so. to complain now will in all probability evince the responses "I've always been like this, why are you bringing it up now?" and "It's the way I am, I can't change just because you want me to." If you want to change the situation, then it will be up to you to change it - but you'd better face facts: Change will involve drastic action. And if you cut your losses and run, you'd better say what you mean, and mean what you say.....
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I think ive had a lot of really good advise and I am taking it all in, and weighing up all my choices. This has to be a make or break disission which is why I dont plan to make a quick choice. I suppose I have made excuses for him, and I 100% agree if this is the way he is can he change? He does have a lot of good qualities and what I need to decide is if the good out weigh the bad because there is the chance he is going to be like this forever. Is it even fair to ask him to change if this is what he is? I know a lot of the things that are making me unhappy are petty but i cant help but get so angry at them sometimes. I dont expect that when we do marry its all going to be roses and all our problems will disapear. By the way no plans have been made yet!! I think all I really want is a little bit of consideration...maybe come first on his list of priorities (other than his little boy of course) and not his friends.
evanescentworld Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) ..... I know a lot of the things that are making me unhappy are petty but i cant help but get so angry at them sometimes. Let me impart something I learnt while working with a Counselling association: A relationship is made up of 'bricks and mortar'. The Bricks are the Big Issues. The huge situations that can occasionally overwhelm and prove to be really heavyweight stuff to work through. These are the important, high-profile factors which go to make up the main basis of a relationship.... The 'mortar' is the niggly bits. The tiny, apparently insignificant, minor skirmish-inducing petty problems, the foibles, the irritating small idiosyncrasies...The "who puts the rubbish out", the "who loads the dishwasher, buys the milk, makes the shopping list, books the car in for a service," stuff.... But remember this. It's not the bricks that really matter. It's the mortar. because if the mortar is faulty, the bricks aren't worth a pile of rubble.... The bricks are the solid load-bearing fabric of your house (relationship). But if the mortar isn't working well, any bricklayer/builder will tell you, there's no point using bricks to build with, if the mortar isn't up to holding everything together. The bricks are easy to manage. Stack, line by line, and keep building. The mortar: Getting the mix right is vital, and correct and proportionate application is pretty important too. If your mortar isn't up to scratch, then f&%K the bricks... I dont expect that when we do marry its all going to be roses and all our problems will disapear. By the way no plans have been made yet!!I would suspend all plans and not make any at all, if I were you.... I think all I really want is a little bit of consideration...maybe come first on his list of priorities (other than his little boy of course) and not his friends. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but if you haven't achieved a priority status by now, it's never going to happen. Because he has ALREADY prioritised. And it seems you feel you come a poor third. And if that's the way you feel, then you are probably right. Edited January 12, 2015 by evanescentworld
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 So basically I have 2 choices. Put up and shut up because even if I did talk to him about the issues he may promise to change but chances are he wont. Or walk away and move on. I think I knew this deep down, and I think thats what is so sad!!
evanescentworld Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 The 2 choices are pretty damn obvious yes. The tough, 'rubber-hits-the-road' crud, is choosing. There's an easy way, and a hard way. But the easy way will end up being hard on you, and the hard way will ultimately make your future easier.....
FitChick Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Look at it this way: Being with him prevents you from meeting someone so much better who will appreciate you and make you a priority. Why would you want to prevent that?
pteromom Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Some of his behaviors are just because he is different from you. How he grieves, for example. Some people like to talk it out, and some people like to stuff it inside and try not to think about it. How he is grieving has nothing to do with how he treats you. Same thing with holding onto pictures and letters. While I get that this stuff may ping your insecurity radar, it doesn't mean he is longing for past loves just because he likes to keep mementos. The way he proposed, and even gifts - you may feel differently than he does on those subjects due to how you were raised. (but he should still be willing to listen to you and adjust his behaviors on these things to make you happy.) But the other stuff - choosing not to visit your family, refusing to call so you worry about him... it all points to a lack of consideration on his part. So I guess my question for you is - do you want to commit your life to someone who doesn't really consider your feelings when making choices for himself? If yes, then sure...marry him. And then wait until you are up with sick kids and he's out whooping it up with his friends and see how mad you are then. Demand more for yourself.
pteromom Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Am I being unreasonable? ...oh and no. How do I bring this up without sounding accusing or judgmental? I just want a bit more effort from him. Tell him what you want, what you expect out of a relationship, and what a good relationship looks like to you. It's ok to be judgmental. I would hope you ARE judgmental when it comes to choosing someone to share a life with.
Author hoplessly_hoping Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I really havent considered that point of view. Yes he may just be different. But after I have told him about the things that really get my back up he has said yes fair enough you have a good point and the stuff that has upsilt me such as the presents I have to admit he really tried this christmas, and I have already got my order in for my birthday in months to come. So I do believe he does want to change. But can people really change? And is it fair for me to even ask him too?
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