Recent LDR break up even though I am due to see him soon..no contact till then?

[vitian]

Hi All,

I have a question on a slightly more complicated long distance relationship and how the no contact rule would apply to this context.

 

My boyfriend (now ex) and I 'broke up' officially a few days ago, after a few weeks of going back and forth with a rollar coaster of emotions. We were in a long distance relationship for about a year and three months which began when we met during a work visit I made to his country. I'm lucky that my work allows me to travel to amazing places. Anyway, up until two or three months ago everything was great! -Communication between us was regular, we would talk about everything and anything, talking about the future, marriage, kids, everything that we had in common, how our fathers deaths had affected us so much (this is how we bonded in the first place - we fell for eachother after only 3 hours of having a conversation all in one night and then I had to leave the next day -- that's how we met) and would spend a lot of time telling eachother how much we missed and loved eachother Fortunately my job allowed me to go back and see him twice in the past year, the first time for a week, the second time for two weeks.

 

The other important detail was that my significant other also has four children with two different women, something he did when he was very young (he is now 34 and I'm 27) but he is an amazing father and looks after the two younger children while also providing support for the two older ones. I have met both his younger kids and his daughter is very affectionate to me while his son, being only 5 years old, is very shy.

Anyway, together with this he has a very demanding job. When we first met he was not in this current employment but he credits me with giving him a new perspective on life and helping to give him the push he needed for the betterment of us and his children's livelihood. It is a demanding job in the sense that it takes him to dangerous areas where his role is to monitor and make sure the security of a particular area is ok, so stress levels are through the roof with him as you can imagine!

Sometimes the demands of this job stopped him from contacting me for days at time, that coupled with the fact the mother of his two younger children is sometimes very reliant on him seeing as she has no proper employment -- I never understood why she still asked him for money when she does not even look after the children. But he said he feels sorry for her and because she is in his children's lives (but not his) he sometimes has a soft spot for her and helps her out financially.

 

Anyway cut a long story short, he told me he loved me very much and that he missed me terribly and it hurt for him to say that he needs to 'put me on hold' but I think the strain of maintaining a long distance relationship coupled with his many responsibilities was getting too much. I have called him several times and he always answers the phone and we talk as normal, but when I bring up the relationship he just tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me and that I am too good for him, that I'm young and shouldn't be with a man with kids--all the excuses under the sun basically, even when I gave him solutions to all his fears. I miss him so much and my heart really yearns for him. I have never clicked or connected with someone so much on this level before especially since the whole relationship started based on one night of a deep conversation - and we'd only just met! Those kind of meetings and connections you do not give up so easily.

 

Here's the twist.

The last time we saw eachother physically was 8 months ago (long time I know). I am scheduled for a trip to his country in about 6-8 weeks time. I asked if he would come and visit me and he replied 'of course I will, it would be wrong not to'. Because most of our relationship has been through phonecalls I can tell by his tone of voice when he feeling sad or happy or whatever. Most of the time when I call him we talk as if we are still together, very flirtatious at times and at other times serious talk about the relationship which doesn't last long as he quickly asks if we can change the subject (does this mean it hurts too much for him to discuss it?).

 

I'm wondering if making a decision to end things on the phone was right and if seeing eachother after that amount of time will cause a rekindled spark? I have a feeling that it will because of all that yearning we had for eachother in the past 8 months. I'm going to try and give him his space to reevaluate everything in the 6-8 weeks until I go to his country but I'm scared that his feelings for me will diminish. I love him so much, I know he isn't cheating because when I call his phone line is always available and our conversations last very long (I do the calling as it is cheaper with my phone network), when he isn't working he is 24/7 with his children - which in a way makes me super proud to know a man that is so devoted to his children's happiness but at the same time makes me sad that he does not put his happiness in there too. I have asked numerous times if there is another woman, or if he is rekindling his relationship with the mother of his children (which lasted 5 years) but he has on every occasion denied it and I am sure he is telling the truth as he was very sincere about it not being the case.

 

Please help me. I don't want to feel more empty knowing that I will see him again soon and have him not feel for me what I feel for him.

By the way when we broke up....I said I don't think I can be your friend either as it hurts too much, he then said....I don't think I can be your friend either. We love eachother but this is a breakup of circumstance rather than anything else. I really wish this 6-8 weeks hurries up, my anxiety levels are through the roof!

 

Thanks and appreciate any advice that comes through

Edited January 12, 2015 by vitian

[Frank2thepoint]

he just tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me and that I am too good for him, that I'm young and shouldn't be with a man with kids--all the excuses under the sun basically, even when I gave him solutions to all his fears.

 

Based on what your wrote about his job responsibilities and four children, that is a lot of his time taken up. Having a LDR is more demanding than a local relationship. Lot of time is invested with phone calls, messages, and video chatting.

 

I have asked numerous times if there is another woman, or if he is rekindling his relationship with the mother of his children (which lasted 5 years) but he has on every occasion denied it and I am sure he is telling the truth as he was very sincere about it not being the case.

 

I was wondering why he would tell you he doesn't want to hurt you and this confirmed it. You sound to have trust issues and insecurities. LDR does demand more trust, but you still have to trust the person. Asking numerous times about his fidelity has given your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend perspective that he can't provide you the same investment of time and energy that you may seek. Hence, he doesn't want to hurt you and decided to end the relationship. Also, I'm sure he was growing annoyed with trying to appease you several times, assuring you that he is faithful to you. Honestly, you pushed him away with your lack of trust.

 

I said I don't think I can be your friend either as it hurts too much, he then said....I don't think I can be your friend either.

 

You traveling to see him will be pointless. The relationship has ended, and I highly doubt anything will be rekindled. My suggestion for you is to just cut all contact with him, cancel the flight (get a refund or credit for the ticket), and begin healing. Move on, heal, and learn to trust.

[justwhoiam]

Hi Vitian, welcome to the Loveshack LDR forum.

 

There are several points in your story that are similar to those in my relationship. So I can relate.

 

Please help me.

I'm not sure if I can help you and how, but I will tell you what I think.

 

my significant other also has four children with two different women, something he did when he was very young (he is now 34 and I'm 27)

He still is very young in most Western countries. Think that many men form a family for the first time around his current age. So I bet he just needs to be cautious now. He rushed into things too much in the past. 4 children in 2 different families means lots of responsibilities and funds available to support them.

 

he is an amazing father and looks after the two younger children while also providing support for the two older ones

Are his younger children living with him? You said his job takes him to dangerous areas, did you mean areas around his town? Or does he travel to other cities, etc? Is he able to go home to his children every day? Who's looking after the children when he's not around? Does he have to deal with emergencies too?

 

the mother of his two younger children is sometimes very reliant on him seeing as she has no proper employment

The father has total custody of the children? And they didn't get married? If that's the case, I guess he doesn't own her any money, and he's being very generous helping her financially.

 

he just tells me that ... I am too good for him, that I'm young and shouldn't be with a man with kids--all the excuses under the sun basically, even when I gave him solutions to all his fears

He's probably right. You're only 27. And you might want children of your own, that is very likely, if not now, later on in your life. And maybe he decided 4 kids are enough for him. He knows you might grow unhappy in such a relationship along the years. I know he's putting the cart before the horses, but for a reason. I'm not sure what solutions you provided.

 

I'm wondering if making a decision to end things on the phone was right

Hard to tell. I had a colleague that renounced making a family and had a man not living with her for decades. When she was past her 50s, her mother died and she regretted not having kids. One of her biggest regrets.

 

and if seeing eachother after that amount of time will cause a rekindled spark?

If he's attracted to you, how can he suddenly not be attracted to you anymore? I mean, you're always you. So I guess he'll have to refrain himself from jumping on you. That can be done. It depends on how strong he is. He was able to break things with two women who must have been important in his life, without looking back. That makes me think that he can be strong. Be prepared for him being cold with you in person. You need to think of any possible scenario.

 

I have a feeling that it will because of all that yearning we had for eachother in the past 8 months.

That's understandable.

 

I'm going to try and give him his space to reevaluate everything in the 6-8 weeks until I go to his country but I'm scared that his feelings for me will diminish.

Don't worry about that. If the sparkle goes off so soon, it wasn't meant to be. And you'd have a reason to let it go.

 

I don't want to feel more empty knowing that I will see him again soon and have him not feel for me what I feel for him

That's the worst, I know. But there's a good chance all his feelings are still there, though he's trying to push you away.

Ask yourself, in all honesty, would you renounce having kids to be with this man? Or do you see yourself in like 10 years talking him into having a baby with you? If a breakup must be, better now than in 10 years. You still have all your life ahead of you.

 

Anyway, if he still wants you, at that point, don't get intimate with him, not before reaching a deal. You don't want to sleep with him, then go home to be told it's better to break up. I wouldn't risk it. So you must be strong too.

[vitian]

Based on what your wrote about his job responsibilities and four children, that is a lot of his time taken up. Having a LDR is more demanding than a local relationship. Lot of time is invested with phone calls, messages, and video chatting.

 

 

 

I was wondering why he would tell you he doesn't want to hurt you and this confirmed it. You sound to have trust issues and insecurities. LDR does demand more trust, but you still have to trust the person. Asking numerous times about his fidelity has given your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend perspective that he can't provide you the same investment of time and energy that you may seek. Hence, he doesn't want to hurt you and decided to end the relationship. Also, I'm sure he was growing annoyed with trying to appease you several times, assuring you that he is faithful to you. Honestly, you pushed him away with your lack of trust.

 

 

 

You traveling to see him will be pointless. The relationship has ended, and I highly doubt anything will be rekindled. My suggestion for you is to just cut all contact with him, cancel the flight (get a refund or credit for the ticket), and begin healing. Move on, heal, and learn to trust.

 

 

I'm travelling for work, so cancelling the ticket is not an option I can control. I will inevitably see him as we work in the same circles.

And the reason I questioned him on fidelity was only because he never gave me a clear cut reason for wanting a break.

[vitian]

Hi Vitian, welcome to the Loveshack LDR forum.

 

There are several points in your story that are similar to those in my relationship. So I can relate.

 

I'm not sure if I can help you and how, but I will tell you what I think.

 

He still is very young in most Western countries. Think that many men form a family for the first time around his current age. So I bet he just needs to be cautious now. He rushed into things too much in the past. 4 children in 2 different families means lots of responsibilities and funds available to support them.

 

Are his younger children living with him? You said his job takes him to dangerous areas, did you mean areas around his town? Or does he travel to other cities, etc? Is he able to go home to his children every day? Who's looking after the children when he's not around? Does he have to deal with emergencies too?

 

The father has total custody of the children? And they didn't get married? If that's the case, I guess he doesn't own her any money, and he's being very generous helping her financially.

 

He's probably right. You're only 27. And you might want children of your own, that is very likely, if not now, later on in your life. And maybe he decided 4 kids are enough for him. He knows you might grow unhappy in such a relationship along the years. I know he's putting the cart before the horses, but for a reason. I'm not sure what solutions you provided.

 

Hard to tell. I had a colleague that renounced making a family and had a man not living with her for decades. When she was past her 50s, her mother died and she regretted not having kids. One of her biggest regrets.

 

If he's attracted to you, how can he suddenly not be attracted to you anymore? I mean, you're always you. So I guess he'll have to refrain himself from jumping on you. That can be done. It depends on how strong he is. He was able to break things with two women who must have been important in his life, without looking back. That makes me think that he can be strong. Be prepared for him being cold with you in person. You need to think of any possible scenario.

 

That's understandable.

 

Don't worry about that. If the sparkle goes off so soon, it wasn't meant to be. And you'd have a reason to let it go.

 

That's the worst, I know. But there's a good chance all his feelings are still there, though he's trying to push you away.

Ask yourself, in all honesty, would you renounce having kids to be with this man? Or do you see yourself in like 10 years talking him into having a baby with you? If a breakup must be, better now than in 10 years. You still have all your life ahead of you.

 

Anyway, if he still wants you, at that point, don't get intimate with him, not before reaching a deal. You don't want to sleep with him, then go home to be told it's better to break up. I wouldn't risk it. So you must be strong too.

 

Thanks so much! You were so insightful! Believe it or not he does want more kids and we talked about it on numerous occasions. His two younger children live with him and he does both the job of father and mother although the mother of the children comes around (when it suits her) to visit the kids.

When I said his work takes him to dangerous places, I meant to different cities in his country. While he is away he has a live in nanny to look after the children, he at times does not trust the mother of his kids as she is quite immature and aggressive.

When I called him in the few days leading up to and after the break up, we speak as normal, and he always asks me to call him back. He told me he loved me and missed me to the point that it hurt him so much but having not seen me so long and both of us wanting to visit eachother but having work in the way was getting too difficult. He called me a few times as well and sent me a sincere letter too. Emotions are very high with the two of us

Its a sad situation really, but I'm onto Day 4 of NC. Feeling slightly better, but I miss him like crazy!

[FitChick]

I think for someone with limited time, a long distance relationship would be easier. The questions would be who would move where and when? He may have to stay where he is due to kids and custody. Could you move there?

[vitian]

I think for someone with limited time, a long distance relationship would be easier. The questions would be who would move where and when? He may have to stay where he is due to kids and custody. Could you move there?

 

Yes that was one of the solutions I gave him, that I could move there and find a job. I think he felt guilty about me having to uproot myself and my life (being without baggage) to go live with him.

 

I'd feel more comfortable talking about it all face to face rather than on the phone where the line is often not clear enough or we have limited credit. Seeing as that my work travel is only in a couple of weeks I think this is possible. At least if a break up is truly what we both want it would have been done face to face and give us both some closure.

[Spectre]

You say you will see each other no matter what because you work in the same circles, so I'd say just keep it to that. Do not make plans to meet up or anything. If you see each other as a result of work so be it, but otherwise? Well, you guys broke up..so I see no point in breaking up and then making plans to hang out. You didn't break up years ago, it was recent. The only reason to plan to meet up is if you are going to get back together.

 

Yes that was one of the solutions I gave him, that I could move there and find a job. I think he felt guilty about me having to uproot myself and my life (being without baggage) to go live with him.

 

I'd feel more comfortable talking about it all face to face rather than on the phone where the line is often not clear enough or we have limited credit. Seeing as that my work travel is only in a couple of weeks I think this is possible. At least if a break up is truly what we both want it would have been done face to face and give us both some closure.

 

If you truly would have no problems moving there for him then make sure he knows that. He can't continue to feel guilty if you make it clear it is what you truly want. So if you do that and he is still hesitant then I would think maybe his heart just isn't into the relationship anymore.

[vitian]

After 5 days of no contact I suddenly get a multitude of calls from him. His excuse was that he had a cousin who was carrying a gift for me and was currently in my city. He then proceeded to continuously call and making small talk sometimes flirtatious and in one of the phone calls he outright said that he really missed me. A total of 22 calls were made. I think someone is starting to regret his decision?! I mean if all you want to say is that a parcel is coming to you, it should only take one phone call right? LOL Men eh <rolling eyes>

[justwhoiam]

Well, if you say he wouldn't mind having other kids, the situation doesn't look bad at all. The only con seems to be the distance. But that can be overcome, as you said.

 

Be at your best when you go there. Don't make any move, and see what happens. I guess you could talk to him on the phone about not breaking up and leave the decision for when you're there in person. That's what I did over a year ago. We didn't break up

[vitian]

I think there is some slight progress in my situation. Although he still thinks I am worth more than being in a relationship with a man who has children, he is slowly caving in to his emotions. He called late one night and although I wanted to maintain my no contact/give him space stance, I failed and answered the call. We spoke for awhile, he told me about his plans, his five year career and development plan and then he added 'I also want to maintain my relationship with you'....this struck at my heart strings, I smiled and just said, I'm sure there will be no problem with that, I will see you soon enough.

 

He has been calling regularly since then, Saturday night he even drunk dialled me...lol....so I know his pride and his heart are fighting eachother at the moment. Either way I'm glad there is some progress on this.

[Leigh 87]

Hi All,

 

I have never clicked or connected with someone so much on this level before especially since the whole relationship started based on one night of a deep conversation - and we'd only just met! Those kind of meetings and connections you do not give up so easily.

 

That is how YOU felt. If HE felt that way, he wouldn't have left. He would have made it work against all odds if he ALSO felt " a rare and amazing connection" with you.

 

Here's the twist.

 

There IS no twist. Either a guy thinks what you share is worth fighting for, or he doesn't.

 

Stop trying to manipulate yourself to believe that you have a mutual thing; it is one sided. You yearn for him. I am sure he likes you well enough but he doesn't think you have some sort of remarkable or rare thing.

 

Thanks and appreciate any advice that comes through

 

I know I am being brutally honest but men are simple. If they truly feel that you have a really rare connection and they are not averse to love and commitment - they will follow it up and they will fight for it UNLESS you do something really, really awful that is a deal breaker!

 

It is hard! I also tend to project my feelings onto other men who really were into me but just not on THAT level - the level I felt for them.

 

I had a fight with my long distance guy and you know what, if HE felt the amazing " connection" that he said he felt, he will come around. Or else, his feelings were never solid to begin with; men fight for women they feel are a rare match for them unless we REALLY royally screw up, such as cheating.

 

Kids. A busy workload. A full life. An argument. If these men ALSO feel that we had such an "amazing connection", they will want to make it work with us.

[Leigh 87]

I think there is some slight progress in my situation. Although he still thinks I am worth more than being in a relationship with a man who has children, he is slowly caving in to his emotions. He called late one night and although I wanted to maintain my no contact/give him space stance, I failed and answered the call. We spoke for awhile, he told me about his plans, his five year career and development plan and then he added 'I also want to maintain my relationship with you'....this struck at my heart strings, I smiled and just said, I'm sure there will be no problem with that, I will see you soon enough.

 

He has been calling regularly since then, Saturday night he even drunk dialled me...lol....so I know his pride and his heart are fighting eachother at the moment. Either way I'm glad there is some progress on this.

 

You mean he really likes you, probably finds you very attractive and really digs hanging out with you.... but he still doesn't think you have this so called " amazing connection" that YOU seem to feel, or else he would want to continue a relationship with you and be your boyfriend indefinitely, against all the obstacles in the way.

 

Drunk dialling and uttering sweet nothings to you means jack I am afraid. Men have feelings too and when they get attached to a girl, they can act a little mushy when drunk!

 

There is a difference between REALLY liking a girl, and thinking " she is the One". He just really, really seems to like you. If you were " the One", he would not let you slip away and get snapped up by other men.. he would have that talk with you, he would establish that he wants to work on things!

 

After a few months together, a guy knows early on if he thinks a woman could be "the One" for him.

 

Please don't get sucked in by his drunken calls and "lovey dovey" proclamations. It all means bullcrap at the end of the day, he is just a man who has a heart that has a definite soft spot for you.

 

Of course you will learn the hard way. No women in your situation willingly "gives up" until you just plain realise that hey, he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

Thankgod I have enough experience to see through a mans kind words and sappy declarations of "love":sick:

[vitian]

You mean he really likes you, probably finds you very attractive and really digs hanging out with you.... but he still doesn't think you have this so called " amazing connection" that YOU seem to feel, or else he would want to continue a relationship with you and be your boyfriend indefinitely, against all the obstacles in the way.

 

Drunk dialling and uttering sweet nothings to you means jack I am afraid. Men have feelings too and when they get attached to a girl, they can act a little mushy when drunk!

 

There is a difference between REALLY liking a girl, and thinking " she is the One". He just really, really seems to like you. If you were " the One", he would not let you slip away and get snapped up by other men.. he would have that talk with you, he would establish that he wants to work on things!

 

After a few months together, a guy knows early on if he thinks a woman could be "the One" for him.

 

Please don't get sucked in by his drunken calls and "lovey dovey" proclamations. It all means bullcrap at the end of the day, he is just a man who has a heart that has a definite soft spot for you.

 

Of course you will learn the hard way. No women in your situation willingly "gives up" until you just plain realise that hey, he doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

Thankgod I have enough experience to see through a mans kind words and sappy declarations of "love":sick:

 

 

Funny, I just got a call from him now saying he wants me back and has booked a flight for me to go see him tomorrow. And the connection WAS mutual, he was the one who said it first, and now actions are speaking louder than words.

We both have this mantra 'think happy thoughts' and have used it for a long time....guess thinking positive will reap positive results, most men will act like *******s but they don't all turn out as complete and utter ones.

[Leigh 87]

He said he wants you back and wants to fly you out to see him. Well, I guess I was wrong!

 

You have to understand that most men don't genuinely want a woman back once it is over, most men mean it.. they sometimes come back if they are bored and/or want sex and company but to let you go to begin with almost always means that a man just didn't feel that the connection was ground breaking enough to fight for.

 

It is rare that a man takes charge, calls you to ask for you back and then books you a flight. This is a great sign! I am so happy for you, you must be elated. I hope my guy wants me back after we have more or less called the relationship off for the time being.

 

Enjoy seeing him and good luck! I am glad you were one of the lucky ones where the guy wanted you back.

 

There was a lovely story on here where a guy broke up with his girlfriend even though he was crazy in love with her, due to being afraid of commitment. Turns out, months later he realised that she was the love of his life, and he reached out to her and told her he made the biggest mistake of his life and asked for her back. They are now married I think? Or at least engaged last time I checked.

 

Here's to happy endings!

 

I hope you can both set expectations - such as nightly, once per day phone calls - so that you stay connected even though his life is so busy with his kids and his job!