infiniti_73 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 So a little background info. I have been with my fiance for 8 YEARS. During that time, we have had our ups and downs. We have made it through infidelity (his) and drug addiction (also his), as well as addiction recovery and many many years of happiness. Now. For the past year or so, I have developed some health issues. First, I have always had a touch of depression. It turned into severe depression over the past year when my Ex decided he was going to "take" my son to live with him. (and so now we are in court over that) Also, I had a hysterectomy in 2005 and have never been on any type of hormonal therapy afterwards. Needless to say, I have mood swings and at times become very distant. There is also a history of sexual abuse in my past. I am turning 42 this year. He is younger than me at 34. Tonight, he basically told me that he has been unhappy for most of the past year. I asked him to talk to me about things to try to "fix" them. He told me that he didn't want to discuss or argue about it right now. During this conversation, I asked him if he had already found another. He didn't answer. But I KNOW. My only response was ya know, I sat here and gave you EVERYTHING when you were going through rough times. And now that I have hit a rough patch...you decide to just up and quit? I have recently been seeing a Dr. to treat my depression and subsequent withdrawal from society. I love my fiance so very much. I just don't know what to do. I barely made it through the first "affair" I just don't know if I can handle another one. I'm not myself. I haven't been for a while. I KNOW that. But I assumed that HE knew that as well and would stand beside me no matter what. After all, that's what he always told me he would do. So what now?
Satu Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Your next step should be going to see your doctor. After that you'll be more clear about what you are dealing with. 1
Mal78 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Yes, you need to see a doctor. His commitment to you is nil. I'm sorry you are going through this but you need to focus on you. If you have a history of abuse this won't get better until you do. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Look out for Numero Uno. That's what everyone else does.
Author infiniti_73 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I have already been seeing a doctor. Two actually. A Psychiatrist and a regular doctor. It's not like I can just flip a switch and go back to the way it was. I'm still in the "trying to find a medicine and dosage that works" stage. I also found out for certain last night. His "other woman" posted to FB that she was in a new relationship. He said something in reply about being jealous. She said "why on earth would you be jealous over yourself?" And then her daughter posted that she couldn't wait to be a part of his family because he's such a sweetheart and funny man! I took a picture of the thread and sent it to him in text. She removed it like 3 seconds later. He's just like his father. His mom and dad have been married for 40 years. His dad has cheated on his mother 8 times t hat they KNOW of. He has resented and hated his father for putting his mother through all of that...but yet, he is doing the exact same thing. I guess abusers really do begat abusers and infidelity must run in the family also. I'm just so tired. I can barely make myself gt up in the mornings already. He picked the worst time in the world to do this. The story doesn't end there...I was with him through court for 7 years to try to get full custody of his daughter. In fact, he wouldn't have his daughter 50/50 if it weren't for me. And now that my Ex is taking ME to court in just a few days...he's calling it quits on US. I'm distraught. I'm overwhelmed. I feel totally useless and worthless. Even more so than before. What's the point??
stillafool Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 So sorry this is happening to you. It doesn't sound like your fiance is making your life better but contributing to your problems. He has cheated before and now he has a new gf. May I ask how long he has been your fiance and why he hasn't married you yet? Even though you don't see it now (or feel it) losing him may be just what you need to get back to leading a healthy life. He doesn't sound very supportive nor loving considering he can't seem to stay away from other women. 1
harrybrown Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Do you have an attorney? How old is your child? Your child needs his mother in his life. Sorry for your pain. Good that you are not married to him, but do hope you get your child back in your life.
Author infiniti_73 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Yes, I have an attorney. My son is 16, getting ready to turn 17 this month. I have to really walk on eggshells with my son...he has resented me for the divorce since he was 7 years old. We have always had a great relationship until he went to stay with his father. Now he doesn't' give me the time of day. He thinks that just because he is staying with his dad, I have no say in his life. And of course, his father makes no effort to try to co parent or make my son realize that I AM still a part of his life and always will be. There's no rules at his dad's. And he has a nice new shiny truck. What teenage boy WOULDN'T want to stay where there's no supervision and a vehicle?
Author infiniti_73 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 We have had a very long engagement mainly because I had been married before for 10 years..and it was an ugly marriage. My fiance would have married me tomorrow or at any time..but I didn't want to jump right back into anything until I KNEW. So that part isn't his fault.
Author infiniti_73 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Okay so here is an update. After much deliberating and crying and pacing and thinking....I have come to the conclusion that I would rather have him in my life no matter WHAT. I was faced with two choices...either let him go and try to drudge on alone or buck up and face what has happened and try to work through it. Alone...there's no way on this earth that I can even begin to heal and better myself without him. Although flawed (as we all are), my fiance is my rock. He is the most reasonable, intelligent, caring person I have ever met. He has just made some mistakes along the way, as have I. I OWN my mistakes...and he has owned his. I pushed him away during this depression bout. I withdrew myself from the world, including him. So of course he's going to look elsewhere for the things he feels he needs. He wasn't happy with this other woman. AT ALL. She's partly to blame also. She met him at a very vulnerable point in his life. And she pushed and she pushed until he did what she wanted him to do. It's only been a month, and she was already telling him how much she loved him after only two weeks. She was just out of a horrible marriage herself, and when she found my guy, she did everything in her power to twist him into her arm candy. He complied to a point. Anyway, I know that my not being myself lately pretty much ran him into the arms of another. There is a choice, yes, but it's just part of human nature (in my mind) that when we aren't getting what we need out of a relationship, we start looking around for where we can get it. In this case, it's been more about the attention and the little things...not sex by itself...just calling and texting and letting him know that he's on my mind. He felt as if I didn't care any more because of the depression. The truth is, I CAN'T live without him. I can't do this without him. So we have both decided to work on our relationship. If anyone can help ME heal, it's him. And all he needs from me is the occasional pat on the back or show of attention that lets him know that I am still IN THIS. What it boils down to is that it happened. Period, The end. Some people may think that I am weak by staying with him and working through things. It's actually just the opposite. You have to be a very strong minded and strong willed person to accept YOUR responsibility in the matter and how things play out. In my case, I pushed him away and neglected him to the point where he was ready to leave me. But just the fact that he COULDN'T completely walk away, and that he was absolutely open to listening to what I had to say told me that he was only trying to make his other woman into a recreation of me and our relationship. It wouldn't work. That relationship was doomed from the start. You can't replace 8 or 9 years of unconditional love with a couple of 20 minute hops in the sack. This has all been a slap in the face for me...a wake up call. I need to get my act together and find myself again. I hate being this person I have become. So lots of counselling and anti depressants are in my near future. But I have my best friend and lover with me to help hold me up. That's all I need.
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