sunshinegirl Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Hi all, I found and have been lurking on this website for a couple of weeks. Have read some helpful, supportive things so thought I'd post my situation. I'm sorry for the length. I'm a 31-year old woman. A mutual friend introduced me to my 34-year old ex last June. We just hit it off right away, and despite living 450 miles apart, started dating long distance. I've had crummy relationships before so all my antennae were out on this one...I vetted him with friends and family to make sure I wasn't overlooking red flags... and all the signs (that I knew to look for, anyway) were good. Wow, we were really healthy and good and happy together. Intellectual, emotional, physical compatibility all over the place. Saw each other roughly every other weekend...I think in October it was every wknd, though! We introduced each other to friends early on...he invited me to two out-of-state weddings, was excited to meet my family, even came to my parents' 40th anniversary party in December. He is someone I respected, admired, had so much fun with--and it was very mutual. We had all things in common--same faith background, similar upbringings, similar overseas experiences and interests, similar professional aspirations, similar senses of humor and friendships and values and...well, the whole enchilada. My friends and his friends often commented on how good we were together (I say this just to remind myself that I wasn't making this all up or fantasizing about something that wasn't there). Yes, things were moving pretty quickly between us, BUT he didn't declare love from the rooftops or propose or do anything really crazy so I didn't worry too much about things happening too fast. As far as I could tell, we just really really enjoyed each other and were really happy together. As for the distance part: I was in a temporary position with a large international organization when we met and started looking for a permanent position in July/August. I ultimately had 3 offers in front of me: two overseas and one in "his" city. I put "his" in quotation marks because I had actually lived in his city for a total of 8 years, and we just happened to meet a month after I moved away to take this temp job. He was--or seemed--excited about me coming to his city. He also said that if I took an overseas job that he wouldn't see that as a reason to break up. And at one point along the way he said that I shouldn't feel like I'm the only one who has to think about relocating for us to be in the same place--that he would consider it too. Long story short: I accepted the job in "his" city because it was a better long-term fit for me professionally. It would also return me to a city I love, and a city where my sister and her family lives. Well. As soon as I made this decision (which I didn't consult him on in the last few days of my decision-making, which later seems to have been a big mistake), he started acting a bit strange. When I moved back to town in December, I noticed right away that things were cooler between us. We spent a week in Florida together over New Year's and I finally asked him if something was up. He hemmed and hawed and said he was trying to be more "objective" about our compatibility... but couldn't tell me more specifically what was wrong. A few days later I suggested a two-week break because he seemed to be wrestling with something and I didn't want to be pressuring him or wondering what was going on. I said I didn't need him to make any decisions during the break but that I would like for him to be able to talk to me about whatever it was once we regrouped. I was very clear about wanting this to be a break and not a break-up. After the break, he dropped the bombshell on me: that his feelings for me were more "friendship" than anything else. He said "I had a couple of ways I could think about our break--I could either try to think through what I was feeling and why, or I could go with the flow and see how I felt at the end of it." He went with the latter route...and apparently at the end of the 2 weeks told his best friend that he was looking forward to seeing me again. But then he got called to NYC for work, was gone for a week, and said that the NYC time (where he worked 80+hrs in a week) is when he finally thought about 'us' and came to this conclusion that he cares for me more as a friend than anything else. Again, he couldn't identify any reasons (fights, incompatibilities, whatever), said there wasn't anyone else, and when I asked what his ideal world looked like for us going forward, he said he wanted to be friends and hang out. I said, incredulously, "you mean, we would each date other people, but 'hang out' as friends together?" to which he hemmed and hawed and said "well, I feel friendship toward you NOW, but that could change....I don't know...." He said "you didn't consult me on your decision to move here" and when I reminded him that he had said he would consider relocating to my city, he said "yes, but I guess I was thinking like in a year or something." None of this was understandable to me, because I wasn't asking for an engagement ring when I moved. I wanted us to have the chance to get to know each other better in "real" circumstances, "real" life. Not the fantasty world that LDRs are. I said, politely, that I wasn't in the habit of being friends with my exes. And that was about it for that conversation. So now we've had no contact for two months. Part of me wonders if this is a commitment thing for him--he hadn't dated anyone seriously for 5 years before we met and he likes to "keep options open" in other areas of his life. When I met several of his friends, they openly expressed shock at seeing him hold a woman's hand, and/or commented on how good it was to see him dating someone. Many friends, when I called to tell them about the breakup, were shocked because they thought I was calling to announce our engagement. His best friend was absolutely in the dark about him breaking up with me and was shocked to hear of it. Again, I say this just to convey (and remind myself) that I wasn't imagining this, wasn't imagining his interest or care. So. I am 2 months post-breakup. Seems to me that things ended with still a fair amount of care toward each other--nobody was nasty or mean or accusatory or blaming. Oh wait, except for his comment that I didn't consult him on my decision to move here--that seemed like a blaming move. Was there duct tape over his mouth that he couldn't say "hey, sunshinegirl, maybe we should talk through what we're each expecting out of this deal when you move here." Which he didn't do--DESPITE having asked me a couple weeks earlier to pray for us to be "a good team and to have good communication." (We're Christians and used to swap prayer requests.) *sigh* I am not even sure what my question is. I think I'm doing the right things--no contact, trying to move on--but part of me is still holding on and wonders if he may change his mind. I have a girlfriend whose now-husband did this EXACT thing--broke up with her, I think more than once, saying he just wanted to be friends. But he always came back, and he ultimately proposed and they married. These kinds of stories are such double-edged swords, aren't they!?
Author sunshinegirl Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 Maybe I should have included a clear question in my post: --Does my ex's behavior sound like commitment-phobia? --Or just someone who (very quickly and very coincidentally given the timing) fell out of love? Thanks for any comments, reactions, advice.
Donut Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 He does sound like a commitment phobe to me. Please don't blame yourself. I think a good book for you would be Rhonda Findlings' "The commitment cure, what to do when you fall for an ambivalent man". I think you will identify with at least one of her six types of ambivalent men. She also wrote "Don't call that man" which is also a very good book to help you. These books certainly helped me put things in perspective, when I was going thru the same as you. I wish you all the best, like I said don't blame yourself, it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.
Author sunshinegirl Posted April 1, 2005 Author Posted April 1, 2005 Thank you, Donut. It's been tough to not blame myself. I've read Stephen Carter's books and at times they're really comforting ("ah! yes, this describes his behavior...he must be a CP!") and at other times I think "geez sunshinegirl, you're just looking for an explanation apart from simply 'falling out of love' to explain this." Oh, but I haven't read Rhonda Findling's stuff. Might be worth picking up...I am proud of myself for not calling, begging for more explanations, trying to convince him to come back, etc. If he's really a CP, I suppose I should be prepared for him to reappear at some point.
Donut Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 He may re-appear, he may not. Work on you in the mean time and seek closure for yourself. Self help books, therapy, whatever works best for you. And it's time and getting out there, enjoying life without them in it again as well obviously! If he comes back you may not even want him by then! Well done for not begging with him! I really wish I hadn't and I really feel humilliated now that I did, but I felt like I had to do something and I meant every word I said. It was so frustrating! I guess I can say at least I tried, even though I went overboard with it and it fell on deaf ears..... he probably resents me all the more for it, oh well. What's done is done! I know now for next time. It's hard though when they don't give you much explanation isn't it? Mine just blamed me for it, bringing up really trivial things that people don't usually break up over, to mask his fear of commitment, then wouldn't speak to me again! Obviously it's about love to, you don't break up with someone you love completely, but the fear of commitment explains why they have such a problem with lasting love, how they don't make things easy for themselves in the long run. How the fear of commitment prevents them from feeling love, it's about their own dysfunctional issues, which usually have nothing to do with you!
haywood Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 the cure for commitment phobes is patience. remember love is patient, love is kind...... just keep busy. sooner or later he'll either come back or someone else will find you. good luck
Recommended Posts